Navigating an Awkward Push/Pull

[skaman24]

I suppose that all push/pulls are awkward. My ex-pwBPD broke up with me in February 2021, and during an otherwise traumatic year for me (finalizing a divorce, my mom passed away, my dog passed away, etc.), we reconciled briefly toward the end of 2021 before she ended it again. We faced other issues (age gap, distance), too. Nonetheless, after a traumatic 2021, we went NC in January 2022 around the time she found a new boyfriend.

Throughout the year, I worked hard in therapy and on myself and rebounded to a life worth living. I never completely stopped thinking about her but had moved past her in all kinds of ways. My dating life was active but not fruitful, my inner peace strengthened, and I was fully fledged in healing and turning my attention to my future.

Then, in December 2022, I received frantic calls and single voicemail that she was in trouble and needed my help. I felt absolute terror and anxiety - why was she calling me? I had not blocked her, but I had not contacted her. Concerned, I exchanged some text messages - which led to finding out her boyfriend (with whom she was supposed to move in) had broken up with her b/c “she required too much emotional bandwidth.” She was pleading to see me, to talk to me… I resisted. I knew that it would be not be good for me. She was talking about suicide, too, but I could tell it was more about getting me to capitulate than anything.

We stayed in light contact, as I was worried about her. It picked up in early 2023, and I could tell she was suffering. She mentioned going on a month-long bender, which I had assumed. She would occasionally message me a “I miss you” or “I have a lot of heart for you.” But I knew that it was more about feeling broken-hearted and alone than about me.

But then, several weeks ago, she said something that triggered, b/c it was similar to what she said before: “I keep waiting for the right time for us, for me. I am frustrated that it’s been a years long process.” Startled (and admittedly enticed), I probed. During the breakup period in 2021, she mentioned the same thing. But over time, I realized that she only wanted to get back together when she was feeling weak, insecure, etc. Now, she had mentioned her ex-boyfriend told her not to contact me, but as I would later find out, she was the victim of an attempted carjacking and had gone to do a course in Australia but didn’t have her medication for months. She referenced being hospitalized briefly. In these moments, she said that she was tempted to contact me but for her promise to boyfriend.

I had grown so much away from her: putting myself first, learning to unwind my codependency, resisting being a white knight, and truly feeling emotionally/mentally healthy and resilient. While I did not come undone with her back in my life, I kept thinking that I could manage a distant friendship with her. Keep the charming, funny, and delightful bits and avoid the inability to manage emotions away from me. And largely, that’s been the case.

I pressed her for closure about relationship, which I received painfully: she was using me - aware but not wanting to admit to herself - for care, comfort, and security, while she was also putting herself first and subtly looking for sex and love elsewhere. She admitted to not treating my fairly or in some cases not regarding me at all. It hurt completely, and I sobbed plenty. But I felt a huge relief, too. My fears were confirmed, but I could move past.

In fact, she has been miraculously great at validating how her behavior affects me. She knows that it was painful, she acknowledges that she wronged me, and she knows that she has frustrated her and me both for years. She says she feels overwhelmed and confused with her feelings about me. And I have lived in this weird limbo for a long time (except last year when I was free of her).

You see, she says that she loves me, admits that she would be happy with me (though definitely overlooks the hard stuff), and daydreams about the surreality of just lying in bed and waking up together. She says it wouldn’t have to worry about “complicated friendships, dating, her mental illness, or even money,” but she “fears that would give up her opportunity to claw and drag her way through her own problems.”  I see this clear-eyed, because she thinks that I will take these problems from her. I asked her to think about how she would feel about me if “my boundary was that I’m not doing to solve your problems for you.” I know that I’m not going to be that way again.

But it comes down to this - this is what is driving me batsh!t insane: “I know that being with you or not would bring me happiness and also pain. I think what I’m waiting for I guess that choice to become obvious to me. Maybe I’m waiting for something to force my hand… but you were right in that I am still unsure of myself and in a tough life spot.”

And this is limbo that never gets cleared up. It’s always this “I want to be with you one day” stuff. Like magical thinking. Like fantasy. And I can’t quite shake it. I want to go back to NC. She is crystal clear that she is hurting and in no place to rekindle something. I am not really either. And I wouldn’t choose her EVER again if she weren’t choosing me from a place of strength, not weakness. And while I know that she is DBT every week, I also know - in my heart - that she is never coming back to me. But I dangle by a thread of hope - which I HATE - and never really detaching.

Any advice? I feel strong, resilient, etc., but I also cannot decide whether I’m really defining the relationship the way I want it. She is renting space free in my head, and I hate it.  Do I just walk away?