Update: adult son living independently

[Lollypop]

Hi

It’s been 8 months since son27 moved out to a kind of half way arrangement. He moved into a room in a friend’s family home on our lane, with an evening meal provided.

The closeness has helped him. He’s popped home regularly either for practical help with a meal, paperwork, illness or for emotional support with relationship problems with work, friends and more recently with his landlady. He only contacts us if he wants something but he’s always loving and friendly with us all.

The big things currently happening are:

1. He resolved a problem with the landlady who wasn’t feeding him (as agreed). He’s now paying less rent and but making his own meals. The initial repercussion is that he’s asked to join us twice this week as he was soo tired and just didn’t have the energy (ha!). Now, son27 has never really cooked. He can make a few meals but finds it a challenge. I’m waiting and hoping that he can crack this skill so he’s one more step closer to full independence.

2. He flabbergasted at his landlady’s response to his announcement to her that he’s going to try being drug free again.  Unlike me, she looked him in the eye and said “what’s the point, you’ll fail”.  I’m laughing at his reaction - “seriously, does she not want to improve and develop her life? She’s stuck and isn’t prepared to st least try?”.  So, fingers crossed at this latest attempt by him.

3. He’s been seeing a foreign au pair for about 3 months. He hasn’t brought her home to meet us or accepted an invitation to my art exhibition (I thought that would be an ideal opportunity).  I presumed he didn’t feel it serious enough and he doesn’t call her girlfriend. . Anyway, the young lady has invited him to spend a week or two with her family in September. Son was very surprised by the invite and says if they’re still together he’ll go. Now, the last time he ventured into meeting “the gf’s family” it ended up with him dysregulating and feeling suicidal. I’m anxious at the prospect of him being abroad and this happening again. Also, he either calls the shots in a relationship or he is besotted - there’s no half measure.

4. On Monday he took young lady out to a music poetry night. This type of leisure activity is unheard of. A very positive sign he’s in a very good headspace looking outwards.

I look forward to more changes in his circumstances for the better. He loves his work and is now defined by it. I hope and pray he can learn to be fully independent.

I’m realistic in my expectations for his future relationships - I just can’t see him in a happy long term partnership - ever. I think he feels the same. It’s sad. Never say never!

Anyway, I thought others may like to know how we’re getting on.

Hugs, thanks for your friendship.

LP

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi LP

Yikes is it really 8 months since he moved out!  What a fantastic achievement you must be so proud he’s managing his way successfully, including paying rent, managing his finances where you so very skilfully steered him.  It sounds like he’s in a good space, generally happy with his lot, loves his job is such a winner, is always loving and friendly to you all. There are so many positives here.  I think back to 2016 new year when he was an uncommunicative dark cloud in your home and look where he is now coming to you when he needs someone to listen, empathise, validate his woes or difficulties, you’ve earned his trust and respect, rings loud and clear, LP I applaud you, you always said I need to be the mother he needs me to be and you certainly are!

Cooking, well my brother is no cook, it’s just not on his agenda, he has survived and chooses simple healthy food. A stock pot comes to mind LP, ok WD stop fixing right now, can’t help myself!

Good for him having another mindful crack (no pun intended) at becoming drug free. I hope he proves his landlady wrong, it's good to know he's trying, doing his best.

Anyway, the young lady has invited him to spend a week or two with her family in September. Son was very surprised by the invite and says if they’re still together he’ll go. Now, the last time he ventured into meeting “the gf’s family” it ended up with him dysregulating and feeling suicidal. I’m anxious at the prospect of him being abroad and this happening again. Also, he either calls the shots in a relationship or he is besotted - there’s no half measure.

I remember that scary night well LP, you shared with us here and can understand your anxiety at the thought of it, him being abroad.   I guess it’s on his mind too. Do you think he's serious about this girl, it sounds like he's playing it really cool, perhaps that's ok. I think you are right to be realistic about relationships – pwBPD or non-BPD society has changed people often don’t tend to stay and work through the challenges relationships bring. If he wants it badly enough perhaps he’ll put in the work. This is an interesting thread People with BPD are incapable of love. I disagree Hum, relationships, while writing this my daughter came home, announced she was off to the vet to get cat food, did I want anything? A cat please I replied, her face lit up oh yes, I then promptly followed up with when you have your own pad you can have two cats, she replied quick as anything when I have a pad I’ll have nine cats instead of a relationship. There you go she’s sorted.  

Has your son ever lived with a girlfriend? Wanted to? Wants to? My DD says she’s never wants to live alone so it’ll be a shared house arrangement or lease a two-bed flat and rent out the second room. Then again with nine cats she maybe ok …... who knows.

Thanks for letting us know how you are getting along, the successes and the challenges as your son chug, chugs along.

Been meaning to ask you for ages LP, does he still use string instead of a belt to keep his trousers up? What's the score here …. any improvements?

WDx

[Scout206]

Congratulations LP!
It sounds like things are definitely on the upswing for your son.   Thank you very much for checking back in with us.   When I see progress like this it gives me and many others hope.   Scout206

[Merlot]

Hi Lollypop

Wow!  Nothing like a challenge in having to prove his landlady wrong - I'm sure he'll rise to the occasion, what better opportunity to kick a habit than when things are going well and it really does sound like he has his 'mojo' going on right now.

There are many positives in there for your son, it must really warm your heart to see this 

Are there any parallels with this girl and previous gf's in terms of meeting the parents?  Does he seem to be in a better place ahead of this event?  I hope this goes well for all of you, completely understand you being worried. 

Merlot 

[Lollypop]

Hi

Has your son ever lived with a girlfriend? Wanted to? Wants to?

No, not really “lived” with.  He’s moved into a gf’s family home with her mum and step-dad - relationship broke down when they started to understand his addiction issues, loss of job and his inability to find himself another. Gf contacted me in desperation.

He’s had quite a few gf’s and he’s never wanted to live with any. He contradicts himself.  He wants to be free and easy, boylike, yet will say he wants a relationship ship and have a family only then say he doesn’t want to be tied down. He likes sex now though, this is a new phenomenon for him as his joys came from drugs - he was oversharing with me and I put a stop to that.

He’s growing and very aware some of his friends are settling down to having young families. He will criticise it.

Been meaning to ask you for ages LP, does he still use string instead of a belt to keep his trousers up? What's the score here …. any improvements?

He buys no clothes generally. He does buy equipment for his job - a lot!  He wears a belt that I bought for Xmas!  He looks clean and presentable.  He finally caved and bought himself a pair of shoes £120 - it was one of my goals!  The last gf made him cut the dreadlocks off.  He got rid of her and is now growing them again.

Are there any parallels with this girl and previous gf's in terms of meeting the parents?  :)oes he seem to be in a better place ahead of this event?

He avoids meeting the parents for as long as he can. He struggles with larger family gatherings and that includes our own. He tends to go out with younger girls - the latest is 21 and speaks little English, she’s an au pair.  He also has a xxxx buddy in her early 50’s.  My son is quite calculated and jumps in when he thinks he can gain new experiences. It’s all about living life to the “full” - his view of what that means has changed. He seems to be Replacing drugs for sex.

Apparently, this girl is employed by a nice family so I hope they’re looking out for her. I’m slightly concerned about how my son may treat her. He won’t bring her home and I don’t ask too many direct questions so know little about her. They’re adults after all. It’s best I don’t get involved - especially if he prefers free and easy living. It’s a different world to me.

Thanks

LP

[wendydarling]

Hi LP

Thanks LP, one thing that strikes me to be thankful for is your son is not 'isolated', he is out there finding his way, doing his best. Yes he may feel conflicted and he may at this time want freedom rather than a committed relationship, he's 8 months into taking responsibility for himself by semi independent living down the lane to you. Kind of fits he's not up for meeting the parents, accepting your invitation to your exhibition, are difficult situations for him. Hard to get our heads round.

My son is quite calculated and jumps in when he thinks he can gain new experiences. It’s all about living life to the “full” - his view of what that means has changed. He seems to be Replacing drugs for sex. [

Is this his impulsive side? Are you saying he's unfaithful? There is a lot happening here, with a 50 yr woman, you are rightly concerned for the young au pair.

They’re adults after all. It’s best I don’t get involved - especially if he prefers free and easy living. It’s a different world to me.

Sure, it is also important you feel able to openly share your feelings here with us, explore. I know you do, sometimes it helps to get to the core issues niggling us right now.  

Sex, rock, roll and BPD.  

WDx  
PS when I was a slip of a girl a boyfriend tried to change ME  , boy I was right out the door. I'm sure your son will learn from the experience, he's growing his dreadlocks back.

[Lollypop]

Hi WD

Is this his impulsive side? Are you saying he's unfaithful? There is a lot happening here, with a 50 yr woman, you are rightly concerned for the young au pair.

Yes, absolutely it’s his impulsive side.  A new experience laid before him, he snaps at it and would say life’s too short to not jump in. The problem is that the opportunities that he sees are exciting and potentially dysregulating.  The boring opportunities rely on him being stable and he being able to think through the advantages and disadvantages.  His executive thinking has definitely improved, He goes on gut feeling without the support of therapy etc still acting impetuously but actually in a more reserved way. He won’t risk his job. He risked his health by getting an std but I think he sees the wisdom of protecting himself physically.  He’s a bit of an xxxxhole when it comes to women I think.

I can only hope he’s continues to grow. At 27, it feels like 24. It is what it is.  I can only hope that this young woman is strong. This is in fact a repeated pattern, he seems to choose weaker and gentler souls.

LP

[wendydarling]

Yes, absolutely it’s his impulsive side.  A new experience laid before him, he snaps at it and would say life’s too short to not jump in. The problem is that the opportunities that he sees are exciting and potentially dysregulating.  The boring opportunities rely on him being stable and he being able to think through the advantages and disadvantages.  His executive thinking has definitely improved, He goes on gut feeling without the support of therapy etc still acting impetuously but actually in a more reserved way. He won’t risk his job. He risked his health by getting an std but I think he sees the wisdom of protecting himself physically.  He’s a bit of an xxxxhole when it comes to women I think.

I can only hope he’s continues to grow. At 27, it feels like 24. It is what it is.  I can only hope that this young woman is strong. This is in fact a repeated pattern, he seems to choose weaker and gentler souls.

As you say it is what it is, right now. It's great to hear his executive thinking has improved, all the great work you've done for yourself has contributed to his growth. He chooses weaker, gentler souls, it may feel like that, they say we choose our equivalent match emotional maturity in partners. DD promptly ended a relationship early last year, she was totally overwhelmed by the demands and expectations, saying she had to work on herself, the penny can drop.

There is hope, like all things it takes time for a golden nugget to pop, that ray of sunshine to come by.



WDx