Friends with benefits relationship with exBPD

[tim_tom]

My T told me to post this here, as we had a disagreement.

My exBPD was attractive, and I would like to sleep with her. I am almost 3 months post B/U and have come to the full realization how screwed up this relationship was and that yes, I was abused. I can honestly say I have 0 interest in getting back in a relationship with her, and will never feel feelings of love for her again.

That being said, I'd like to sleep with her. It's familiar, should be relatively easy, and frankly... if she gets hurt, I don't really care (although, that isn't my goal)

My T says I'd be better off getting some new girls. But I feel that is more risky and more likely to hurt an innocent party, I am in no way shape or form interested in a relationship. Not even a little. T seems to think if I do this with exBPD, I will only setback my progress and start pining for her again. But I honestly don't believe thats possible.

Thoughts? Has anyone moved on emotionally and then been able to enjoy a no strings attached relationship? Do you ever really move on, or would I still be vunerable to her considerable charms?

[Blimblam]

It may be possible but it depends on how badly you got hurt and where you are in recovery.  3 months seems a bit soon when it comes to recovering with a borderline.

[Caredverymuch]

My T told me to post this here, as we had a disagreement.

My exBPD was attractive, and I would like to sleep with her. I am almost 3 months post B/U and have come to the full realization how screwed up this relationship was and that yes, I was abused. I can honestly say I have 0 interest in getting back in a relationship with her, and will never feel feelings of love for her again.

That being said, I'd like to sleep with her. It's familiar, should be relatively easy, and frankly... if she gets hurt, I don't really care (although, that isn't my goal)

My T says I'd be better off getting some new girls. But I feel that is more risky and more likely to hurt an innocent party, I am in no way shape or form interested in a relationship. Not even a little. T seems to think if I do this with exBPD, I will only setback my progress and start pining for her again. But I honestly don't believe thats possible.

Thoughts? Has anyone moved on emotionally and then been able to enjoy a no strings attached relationship? Do you ever really move on, or would I still be vunerable to her considerable charms?

You will absolutely set back your progress if you proceed w this thinking.  Additionally, there is no such thing as a r/s in any form w a pBPD that would not involve emotions or manipulations.  You may think you dont want your ex back and could term in FWB but theres still something keeping you drawn to your ex. Beyond sex.

Your T is absolutely correct.  Its a mistake.

[tim_tom]

You will absolutely set back your progress if you proceed w this thinking.  Additionally, there is no such thing as a r/s in any form w a pBPD that would not involve emotions or manipulations.  You may think you dont want your ex back and could term in FWB but theres still something keeping you drawn to your ex. Beyond sex.

Your T is absolutely correct.  Its a mistake.

Hrmm... So while I may feel today that I am 100% over this, and see her for the seriously damaged little troll she is, one that is completely incapable of a healthy relationship,  that I am in a sense deluding myself?

[tim_tom]

It may be possible but it depends on how badly you got hurt and where you are in recovery.  3 months seems a bit soon when it comes to recovering with a borderline.

Well, I've had a lot of reinforcement that she was always going to be impossible to please so it killed the what if games, which allowed me to move on. I know 100% that there is no making this she devil happy, and I don't even want to try... let the guy who is dumb enough to marry her deal with it

[Recooperating]

You will absolutely set back your progress if you proceed w this thinking.  Additionally, there is no such thing as a r/s in any form w a pBPD that would not involve emotions or manipulations.  You may think you dont want your ex back and could term in FWB but theres still something keeping you drawn to your ex. Beyond sex.

Your T is absolutely correct.  Its a mistake.

Hrmm... So while I may feel today that I am 100% over this, and see her for the seriously damaged little troll she is, one that is completely incapable of a healthy relationship,  that I am in a sense deluding myself?

Why would you want to have sex with a damaged little troll? There are women that dont want a rs right now, but would like companionship. I say move on, let the troll rot in the woods and spare yourself the agony! Is a good lay really worth all the BS that would come along with it?

Respect yourself enough to walk away. Having sex with her will only give her the idea she has power over you, is it by having sex... .Dont give her that pleasure.

On a more respectfull note... .Why would you want to "use" her? She is mentally ill and that doesnt give her the right or excuse to have abused you the way she did. But you are a non, you know better. Dont lower your standard and "use" her the way she might have used you.

Find a healthy person, be honest about your intentions and if the healthy woman has the same intentions no one has to get hurt.

[tim_tom]

Why would you want to have sex with a damaged little troll? There are women that dont want a rs right now, but would like companionship. I say move on, let the troll rot in the woods and spare yourself the agony! Is a good lay really worth all the BS that would come along with it?

Respect yourself enough to walk away. Having sex with her will only give her the idea she has power over you, is it by having sex... .Dont give her that pleasure.

On a more respectfull note... .Why would you want to "use" her? She is mentally ill and that doesnt give her the right or excuse to have abused you the way she did. But you are a non, you know better. Dont lower your standard and "use" her the way she might have used you.

Find a healthy person, be honest about your intentions and if the healthy woman has the same intentions no one has to get hurt.

Well, I figure it's better to "use" someone that is completely incapable of a healthy relationship anyway. And ya, she screwed me over pretty bad, which makes it that much easier.

The problem is that I don't want to find a healthy person, I do not want a relationship or to have feelings for anyone, and I certainly don't want to hurt someone who doesn't deserve it.

[camuse]

It's your decision, but I think you will feel better if you choose not to be the man who exploits a mentally ill woman for sex. However badly she treated you, do you want to be that man?

[Chasing_Ghosts]

The problem is that I don't want to find a healthy person, I do not want a relationship or to have feelings for anyone, and I certainly don't want to hurt someone who doesn't deserve it.

So don't have sex? I mean this in the most respectful way. Honestly I never got the point of having sex if it wasn't for a meaningful purpose such as love. As when you have sex with someone youre literally becoming one in a union of your souls as well as your energies in turn aligning with this. Youre sharing the deepest connection physically and spiritually you can with another person. And to go deeper into this youre having sex essentially with a child. Maybe not physically albeit but in her mind that's where she is and you want to "use" her to attain physical gratification... just think about that. I know after I realized this as much as Id love to have that connection with her I just cant get myself to go there anymore. Its wrong. Yeah maybe she "used" me for control and validation with sex. But an eye for an eye will make the whole world blind.

And I know youre going to do what you do but I just wanted to give you the wisdom I attained in hopes that you will at least give this a thought before you go through with it... which if you do definitely wear a condom because I was stupid enough to believe my ex wasn't with anyone else last recycle when I was still majorly in the FOG. Well long story short I ended up taking a heroic dose of antibiotics for and sti. Never again. 

   

[camuse]

youre having sex essentially with a child.

Yep. Pretty grubby stuff, when you think about it.

[clydegriffith]

I'm in the same boat. BPDx was attractive and crazy in bed and that's why i let her get away with so much.

But i tend to be a nice guy so i was genuninely concerned when she told me she was being physically abused by her x-husband. That was a big mistake as it was a sign of weakness and i successfully scouted as the next victim. If i could do it all over again i would have just kept the relationship sexual and not give a crap about what was going on with her personal life. I'm pretty sure i can still have sex with her even though she's on to the 3rd or 4th replacement after me but given that we have a child together it's not worth the drama i am sure will follow.

[Agent_of_Chaos]

Why would you want to have sex with a damaged little troll? There are women that dont want a rs right now, but would like companionship. I say move on, let the troll rot in the woods and spare yourself the agony! Is a good lay really worth all the BS that would come along with it?

Respect yourself enough to walk away. Having sex with her will only give her the idea she has power over you, is it by having sex... .Dont give her that pleasure.

On a more respectfull note... .Why would you want to "use" her? She is mentally ill and that doesnt give her the right or excuse to have abused you the way she did. But you are a non, you know better. Dont lower your standard and "use" her the way she might have used you.

Find a healthy person, be honest about your intentions and if the healthy woman has the same intentions no one has to get hurt.

Well, I figure it's better to "use" someone that is completely incapable of a healthy relationship anyway. And ya, she screwed me over pretty bad, which makes it that much easier.

The problem is that I don't want to find a healthy person, I do not want a relationship or to have feelings for anyone, and I certainly don't want to hurt someone who doesn't deserve it.

Part of the reason these people are so damaged is due to the fact they were "used", mistreated, abandoned when they were little.  There may be some genetics that's contribute to BPD but a vast majority of it is psychological abuse... .correct?  By  using her, in basically "hit it  and quit it" (pardon the expression) style you are only recreating the toxic environment.

Forgive me if I seem presumptuous but your lack of empathy seems to be slightly vindictive.  I am sure your relationship was hurtful and toxic but treating her like a piece of meat isn't the solution.

These people didn't ask to be infiltrated with BPD.  They may not seek the help that they so desperately need but they are still human.  No one deserves to be used.  After all, did you enjoy it?  I know I sure as hell didn't.

[Skip]

Wants to be friends, do a friends with benefits thing 1 time, she phone/text bombs me that night crying. I ... once again reassure that she is beautiful and smart and that she isn't "losing me" (btw how is she losing me when she dumped me!)

We go NC for 2 weeks, after she told me she would text me the next day and didn't. Then I get a lunch meetup request that i ignore, after about 5 messages I break NC and respond with why i am pissed. 8 more days NC (ignored about 30+ text/calls). Had to see to get stuff this monday, she lied about hitting traffic, showed up 2.5 hrs late with a guy!, mad at me for ignoring her, blames me for her bringing him... I would've known if i responded to her!, (I guess in the 30 texts she sent, one of them couldn't of been, a guy is coming, he's just a friend)

I fall right back into my old role of trying to make her stop being made at me. End up emoting like a teenager, she goes silent for 2 days, then texts that she wants to talk and misses the kids, wants to see them etc...  I get sentimental, but tell her no... She blames me for everything, and acts like I made a grave mistake by working so much cause it was never about money to her... Gimme a break, I politely say who are you fooling... tell her that I am all screwed up from this and can she please not contact me anymore unless it's about getting the rest of her stuff...

Didn't you recently try the FWB with "I fall right back into my old role of trying to make her stop being mad at me."

She was big on silent treatment, got it all the time for minor things. Initially I would chase but then I said to hell with that and just waited for her to get over it. She always would after 30 minutes to 4 hrs

Big on black and white, always and never.

Fixate and hold onto negative things, find things to be upset about. Exaggerated everything bad

Always insisted I was lying, and she knew what I really meant/felt

Consistently selfish and self centered, house was decorated from her culture. Meals she made were from her culture. Never got a single meal or decoration from my or kids culture. All holidays had to be with her family and if I didn't like it we would be separate.

Controlling. Doesn't want me going out with friends, freaks out and texts bombs me if I do. Puts herself between me and friends, family and children. Wants to control what i eat, what I wear, what I watch on tv, the music I listen to.

Physically abusive. Threw wooden spoon at me, slaps in face, punches... I say it hurts, but she responds with something like stop being a vagina. This was never really done in fury, but as a means to get me to stop or start doing something she disapproved/approved of

Obsessively/freakish hatred for my ex wife. Didn't want me talking to her, nor the kids about her. Didn't want her even in the driveway. Would peak out the window when she was dropping off. Frequent blowups that i thought ex-wife was pretty then her

And where will these relationship skills go?

Stress is so bad for me at this point that i am tired all the time, getting migraines and a strange eye twitch. Also beaten down emotionally and spiritually. All i try to do is avoid displeasing her anymore. now she gets outwardly angry over everything minor, instead of just silent treatment

I, regrettably, turn to alcohol to cope. I was my only escape from the stress and depression, momentarily. I withdraw from her and begin weighing the pros and cons of the BU, really just trying to find strength to do it.

Gained a bunch of weight over 3 months (i have to work hard to stay slim)

Couldn't even manage my life anymore cause i took a job that requires travelling, long hours. I have to recruit my mom to come help, instead of her planned winter in Florida (I am in Northeast)

My self esteem is shattered, my confidence, my sense of self, my trust in women and my ability to judge women. My kids were hurt. I alternate between beating myself up for not doing more, for falling apart and drinking and ruining the relationship, i feel like a crappy parent, like I have to much on my plate... so off to therapy.

You wrote all this a month ago. Month.

My question is whether you can truly compartmentalize a relationship with her that will be (1) satisfying and (2) not trigger her emotions AND will (3) she compartmentalize her relationship with you in a way it won't trigger your emotions.

Your therapist sounds like she has a good handle on this.

[myself]

Part of the reason these people are so damaged is due to the fact they were "used", mistreated, abandoned

Yes, so why would you want to voluntarily step into that role with her, now that you've been working on detaching? After you've felt how bad it is to be in that position yourself? It's best to move on. Less damage, not more.

[vortex of confusion]

I agree with the T. Don't do it.

As far as wanting sex with no strings attached, there are plenty of people in this world that want that. Check out some online dating sites or other places like that. It is much better and healthier to have a one night stand with somebody that has the same desires as you than it is to try to use somebody else.

[Jessica84]

FWB has the word "friends" in it. Friendship isn't based on using someone. This sounds more like revenge sex - proof that you're probably still not over her and wanting to prove you are. Or to punish her or get your needs met for a change? I'm just guessing. You're probably still very angry with her, more than you realize. That's ok, I'm sure she put you thru hell, but this is not the healthiest way to handle it. Your therapist is right. This is playing with fire and will likely set back the progress you've made.

[Rifka]

This is not going to turn out well for you! You may be thinking you can do this, but chances are you will be right back to day 1 of confusion and denial and the what ifs! This would become another recycle!

I can only express my own thoughts on this and my story!

Like most of us, we have done the recycle roller coaster which sex sealed the deal to start a new one!

My exBPDbf was an incredible freaky, passionate and extremely gifted in the package dept. our relationship eventually was powered by our sex life. We were at it everyday 7 days a week and 5-7 times a day minimum. It was crazy, fun, exciting, passionate loving and mutual pleasure for both of us!

When I broke up with him each time, he used his power as a way to get back to me, because of our intense chemistry.

Each recycle was a big mistake that always had the same result.

I thought too that why should I have to give this up and we could just be fwb and nothing more, but I know I would only be fooling myself. Borderlines are much better at that game and I knew I could not keep my emotions at hand.

Yes when we are in the angry stage and convincing ourselves that we don't love them anymore it might appear that we could be fwb, but it's not going to work most of the time.

We loved them, it's a deep love. It's buried inside but will probably be released the moment you are intimate again.

All of every emotion could come pouring out and they will leave you raw and exposed again. They will move on again.

Playthings get boring after awhile, you will just be an old toy they play with for a little while again.

Please think this out! I gave up the best, most intense sex with the finest tool I have ever seen.

I know sex is a boundary that will never be able to crossed again with him without losing me again!

I must keep n/c for my sanity and well being!

My advice would be to wait to be in a healthier place for you and then find a new good person.

[RedDove]

Hi Tim Tom, I understand how you're feeling and the urge and thought process about wanting to have sex with your ex BPDgf. For some of us, having sex with our ex BPD partners was amazing! I speak from my own personal experience with my ex BPDbf. I've also read a lot of books and information/posts on the site explaining "why" the sex was so great (about control, etc.).

It's difficult enough to go NC and not see or hear from our ex BPD's. But, there are major withdrawals we experience from the attention, companionship, texting, and sex. We want a "fix" or a high when we are feeling so hurt and low. I get it, but, that's what our ex BPD's would do to escape the feelings of shame and anger.

I'm 4 months NC and the urges have gotten less. However, in my situation my ex BPDbf lied to me and cheated on me. He went from telling me on a Wed. that I was the "love of his life", to spending the night with a woman he "just" met on a dating site on Saturday!

Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, I saw a photo of the OW. She was an old, used looking, dirty blond hag. I had a film real playing in my head for the first few months after I ended it and went NC. Very painful! So Whenever I begin ruminating on the good times, especially the sex, all I have to do is bring up that film real. It puts me back on track and moving forward in my journey of recovery.

My ex BPDbf didn't reveal he suffered from BPD until I confronted him about the cheating. That was at the end of a 4 year encounter! Looking back, I know now that the cheating was not just one time. I'm sure it went on during our entire encounter!

I'm a female in my 40's. Have I ever had an FWB? Yes, in my 20's & 30's. Was I able to disconnect my emotions and feelings from the act? A BIG no! My advice, don't get back on the Rollercoaster ride through the little shop of horrors! If you have sex with her, you'll get sucked back in. You've come to far now = your 3 months out.

[Pingo]

So why not wait a little while TimTom.  Give it another 3 mths just in case your T is correct.  Keep working on your own healing and you may find with time you'll have a different perspective.  With the pain you have been through I can relate to wanting to soothe yourself and the sex with the BPDex sounds like it would do just that but if you are wrong imagine the consequences.

[fred6]

I have mixed feelings about this. If my ex showed up at my door, I'd like to think that I wouldn't pursue a recycle. However, I might just try to "get some". But, I know that I couldn't do that without emotions involved, which in fact would lead to me trying to recycle. So, as much as I might want her to just show up at my door, I hope that she doesn't. She doesn't know my apartment # anyhow. I guess she could find my car and watch to see where I go. But honestly, I doubt that I'll ever see her again unless we run into each other somewhere.

As far as exploiting a mentally ill person. I agree with what everyone is saying. But honestly, as much as it hurts me to say this. Looking back, my ex is a slut. She may pick certain "victims", but she gives it out freely. It would be one thing if I targeted her. But if she's giving it out freely, she's exploiting herself in my opinion. But the thought of her being with a bunch of other guys kind of makes me think of her as "tainted meat"(walking dead reference).

[clydegriffith]

I have mixed feelings about this. If my ex showed up at my door, I'd like to think that I wouldn't pursue a recycle. However, I might just try to "get some". But, I know that I couldn't do that without emotions involved, which in fact would lead to me trying to recycle. So, as much as I might want her to just show up at my door, I hope that she doesn't. She doesn't know my apartment # anyhow. I guess she could find my car and watch to see where I go. But honestly, I doubt that I'll ever see her again unless we run into each other somewhere.

As far as exploiting a mentally ill person. I agree with what everyone is saying. But honestly, as much as it hurts me to say this. Looking back, my ex is a slut. She may pick certain "victims", but she gives it out freely. It would be one thing if I targeted her. But if she's giving it out freely, she's exploiting herself in my opinion. But the thought of her being with a bunch of other guys kind of makes me think of her as "tainted meat"(walking dead reference).

That's how the BPDx in my situation is. She picks out a certain victim and entraps them with a child (up to 4 kids by 3 guys now) or some sort of commitment like an engament. The victims are typically guys like me: good, kind hearted guys with stable jobs, etc. The victim and his family by extenstion are only there to make her life easier for her in the form of helping out with rent/bills, access to a car, and watching all her kids (the 4 children are all under 6 years old). She completely dominates the victim but as soon as the honeymoon phase is over,  she's out having NSA sex with anyone that gives her a little attention. Now the people she has NSA sex with for the most part are the polar opposite of the victim.

[tim_tom]

Forgive me if I seem presumptuous but your lack of empathy seems to be slightly vindictive.  I am sure your relationship was hurtful and toxic but treating her like a piece of meat isn't the solution.

Hrmm... That part of our life was good, not sure if it was vindictive. And if it's clear, this is just FWB and she agrees, what is the harm?

[tim_tom]

You wrote all this a month ago. Month.

My question is whether you can truly compartmentalize a relationship with her that will be (1) satisfying and (2) not trigger her emotions AND will (3) she compartmentalize her relationship with you in a way it won't trigger your emotions.

Your therapist sounds like she has a good handle on this.

Yes this is all true, I went down this path already, but it was  fresh out the relationship and only lasted a few weeks. And yes, I did end up falling back into the same routine, but that was after 3-4 weeks after the FWB ended.

Like is said in OP, maybe I am deluding myself. I am here to hear others thoughts to help me figure out my own.

[Bak86]

I suggested a FWB situation with my ex after the breakup, since she couldn't handle all the intimacy what a real relationship has. She was incredibly offended and painted me blacker than black.

[tim_tom]

FWB has the word "friends" in it. Friendship isn't based on using someone. This sounds more like revenge sex - proof that you're probably still not over her and wanting to prove you are. Or to punish her or get your needs met for a change? I'm just guessing. You're probably still very angry with her, more than you realize. That's ok, I'm sure she put you thru hell, but this is not the healthiest way to handle it. Your therapist is right. This is playing with fire and will likely set back the progress you've made.

The bolded is what my T said, and I do find that plausible...

But I can assure you that it's not about revenge. If it was about revenge I could do other things that take a lot less effort and come with less risk

[tim_tom]

I have mixed feelings about this. If my ex showed up at my door, I'd like to think that I wouldn't pursue a recycle. However, I might just try to "get some". But, I know that I couldn't do that without emotions involved, which in fact would lead to me trying to recycle. So, as much as I might want her to just show up at my door, I hope that she doesn't. She doesn't know my apartment # anyhow. I guess she could find my car and watch to see where I go. But honestly, I doubt that I'll ever see her again unless we run into each other somewhere.

As far as exploiting a mentally ill person. I agree with what everyone is saying. But honestly, as much as it hurts me to say this. Looking back, my ex is a slut. She may pick certain "victims", but she gives it out freely. It would be one thing if I targeted her. But if she's giving it out freely, she's exploiting herself in my opinion. But the thought of her being with a bunch of other guys kind of makes me think of her as "tainted meat"(walking dead reference).

haha yes...

And re: sex without emotions I misspoke.

There is a part of me that will ALWAYS love her, always. There are still emotions there, what isn't there is the fiction that I could have a relationship with her. I know this, and I feel it on every level. It's just not possible

[Blimblam]

I still think 3 moths is not enough try 6 months a year after you've been dating and seeing other people. You would have to detached first and by that time you may never want to see her again. Going to her with a need sort of gives her the upper hand.

[tim_tom]

I still think 3 moths is not enough try 6 months a year after you've been dating and seeing other people. You would have to detached first and by that time you may never want to see her again. Going to her with a need sort of gives her the upper hand.

Ehh, she is the one texting me and looking to talk on phone. Plus I don't really care if she has the upper hand, she's had since like month 3 of the relationship

[Skip]

Ehh, she is the one texting me and looking to talk on phone. Plus I don't really care if she has the upper hand... .

OK.  So the two of you may be contemplating a recyle.  

If you go this route - and sometimes we are compelled to do so - please become a "Staying Board" scholar.

That is far more real than convincing yourself that this is FWB and you have an Ironman mask on.

I encourage you to do the real work - whether you stay or go.  :)on't be one of those members who recycles, plays it the same as before (more or less), and then comes back with "proof - all pwBPD traits are hopeless."

If you recycle - man up and learn about the disorder and the tools and do your best to make them work.  Starting as FWB is a non-committal first step - but things are not going to change unless some real changes are made.

You're the healthy one - its on you.

[Recooperating]

Seems like you've already made up your mind tim tom. All the advice given here is argumented by you. Its your path, your decision, you dont have to convince any of us, we are not here to judge you. I really hope it works out for you and I really hope it works out for your ex as well with respect from both sides. I know I recycled many times, always with the intention to do better, to practise SET and have firm boundaries, but I failed and took things personally. That kind of rs was not for me in any way shape or form.

Good luck on your journey