New to this

[chlojo]

Hi there, I'm the mother of two beautiful children a boy aged 9 and girl aged 4. I've been in a relationship since the age of 16 with the father of my kids. He is unbelievably difficult and over the last few months I have been speaking to a therapist as I have found his behaviour so tough. My main concern is for my children as they are growing up and witnessing his behaviour and also our families who have experienced such pain he has caused. My therapist initially suggested NP. Once I read about it things started to make sense. She has also suggested BPD. His younger sister has this diagnosis. I feel better in one sense, there is some sort of explanation but I'm afraid, devastated because it seems impossible that things will ever recover or be normal for us as a family.

I've no idea why it has taken me so long to get help and I d don't know why I have put up with so much. I feel quite afraid about staying with this person and also afraid to leave. I'm terrified of the effects all this is having in the children. My son gets heavy discipline from my partner and he shows massive favourtism towards my daughter - there are real double standards. I'm at a loss and just try to get through each day. I feel like I should try to leave but I'm worried about what he might do to himself or that he'd try and take the kids.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

 

Welcome

Firstly you are not alone and your situation is not unique. This position of hopelessness you find yourself in has evolved slowly over a long time and is not easily unpicked. It will take time.

Have a good read around this site and you will find lots of advice that make s sense to you. Have  read through the LESSONS. You will not be able to change him in the short term, nbut you will learn the importance on working on you, your values and boundaries, learning how to deal with conflict, or fear of it, more appropriately.

You may or may not save the RS, but you can certatinly get a better handle on it and how to help yourself and your kids.

Don't feel qguilty about taking so long to reach out for help. Many members have put up with this for 20-30 years before realizing they don't hav eto and it is possible to regain control of yyour life and prevent a lot of damage that can be inflicted on kids, and don't underestimate that.


Waverider

[chlojo]

Thanks, this is reassuring. I think the therapy is helping me to re establish my priorities. I have been through what I see is a pattern of being isolated, controlled, emotionally abused and exhausted. 25 years in I'm finding it quite hard to see this explanation of my situation as real even though it ticks the boxes. I just think it's hard to see what I have now as a relationship but my partner doesn't have anyone else. He has alienated himself from his family and has no friends. I have given him a part time job through my company, which is a complete nightmare to deal with. Can you recommend a starting point for me to read? Thanks again

[waverider]

Thanks, this is reassuring. I think the therapy is helping me to re establish my priorities. I have been through what I see is a pattern of being isolated, controlled, emotionally abused and exhausted. 25 years in I'm finding it quite hard to see this explanation of my situation as real even though it ticks the boxes. I just think it's hard to see what I have now as a relationship but my partner doesn't have anyone else. He has alienated himself from his family and has no friends. I have given him a part time job through my company, which is a complete nightmare to deal with. Can you recommend a starting point for me to read? Thanks again

Try starting HERE, it links many articles in a logical order.

Keep in mind the process is all about changing us, as that is who we can control, we can't control anyone else. our actions can only influence others.

There is a wealth of information, knowledge and advice here, and it takes awhile for it all to sink in and feel natural.