Introduction

[5min]

I am married to an undiagnosed BPD for 10 years now. I had no idea when we were dating. Some people can hid a lot really well but ultimately it all comes out. She has all 9 traits in spades. I've had texts from her while on travel for work of her slit wrists. I get a daily does of  how I am the cause of all her problems. I am evil incarnate. She flips out in a rage abut every 2-3 days and most weekends. There is no infidelity, however I am accused of it continually which is from her prior marriage. My user name refers to the "5 minutes" in which I am required to go over every person I saw and every conversation I had during the day. It is not about knowing me or my day. It is about paranoia and control. In addition to the verbal abuse, there is physical as well. I limited talking about work when my head was clawed open after she overheard someone loud on the next office. My birthday (a big one) was marked by her rage and a block of ice upside my head. I have lost count of the number of black eyes. I an certain that her father has BPD. I've seen his rage over nothing. He has figured out that if he goes on about everyone he has told off, he can get some semblance of narcissistic supply without telling of someone new. Neither he nor my wife understand that is what it is about. We have tried marriage counseling with a psychologist to no avail. Any discussion of her maybe needing to see a therapist results in rage. She tells me I am the one with the problem and refuses to consider that she may need something. She goes on about how she is not doing well and that as soon as I get fixed, she can recoup and be well. For now I just want to read and see what others are doing and thinking.

Thanks

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Wrongturn1]

Welcome 5min!

"My user name refers to the "5 minutes" in which I am required to go over every person I saw and every conversation I had during the day"

This sounds all too familiar to me as my uBPDw has requested that I do the same.  I told her that I'm not that chatty of a person and that it would be excruciatingly boring for both of us and so I won't do it.  She did not like that and requested it a few more times but eventually dropped it after she was that I was serious.

A couple of items:  1) Based on the level of abuse she has heaped on you, you would be well-justified in leaving her and never looking back.  2) If you decide to stay, you need to implement some boundaries around physical and emotional abuse.

Do you have children with her?

[Wrongturn1]

Regarding this part of my last post:

1) Based on the level of abuse she has heaped on you, you would be well-justified in leaving her and never looking back. 

I think I accidentally broke a rule of the "staying" board.  Here is the rules-compliant version:

"A couple of items:  1) Based on the level of abuse she has heaped on you, you would be well-justified in leaving her and never looking back.  2) If you decide to stay, you need to implement some boundaries around physical and emotional abuse.

Do you have children with her?"

[5min]

The kids (22 and 18) are from her 1st marriage but I feel they are mine. The 22 will not talk to us because he has figured out that she has BPD and will not put up with the hours long rants. As for the "5 minutes", she rages if it does not happen. As for advice and the board, I am still deciding, but want to work the staying for now even though I see no hope.

[Wrongturn1]

As for the "5 minutes", she rages if it does not happen.

Sounds like you're in a prime situation for implementing boundaries.  Here's how it could work:

Her:  Tell me EVERYTHING about your day.
You:  Went to work, had some conference calls, peanut butter sandwich for lunch.
Her:  No, you must tell me EVERYTHING, or else!
You:  I gave you the high points - it was an average day, discussing it in more detail would be boring for both of us.
Her:  <<further attempt at interrogation>>
You:  You, like I said before, it was an average day, discussing it in more detail would be boring for both of us.
Her:  You piece of #@$%, I am going to whack you on the head with a frying pan.
You:  That's abusive, and I will not accept abuse.  I'm heading out to the coffee shop for an hour and will return home once things are calmer.  [note: do not use the word "you" here b/c she is allergic to that word]
You:  <<heading out the door - then return when you said you would>>

Also, be prepared to call the police if she attempts to physically block you from leaving the home.  Have your phone on you and stealthily record audio or video in case you need to prove your version of the events to the police later.  Be sure to have keys, credit cards, and phone with you leading up to this so you will have provisions for your time away.

You can't prevent her from raging, but you don't have to be there when the rages happen.  Stay safe!

[teapay]

Wrong turn is definitely on the Right Path in this advice.

[5min]

Thanks for the advice. I do need to have some sort of record incase it goes bad. I've tried to set boundaries but have been met with rant and rage. I've tried the de-escalating conversation and it does not work. Heading out the door is a major trigger (her fear of abandonment) which results in hitting, kicking, hair pulling, and slamming me into the door, cabinets, or wall. I try to move around and keep some furniture between us. If I start for the door, she totally flips out. In her mind it is completely justified and all my fault.

On another subject, I've been reading other's experiences. That is both relieving to know I'm not alone and extremely stressful because I am living it.

[Wrongturn1]

Even though she may rant, rage, scream, and assault you, I would encourage you to set boundaries on the abuse and get out when you need to. 

Be mentally prepared for her to kick the intensity up a notch or two the first couple of times you do this - she will sense the change in dynamic and will attempt to force you back under her control.  But if you are consistent with your boundaries, I predict she will be a fast learner.  And do not be afraid to call the police if she takes physical action against you - just be sure you get recordings to prove your side of the story as the police in many places tend to err on the side of protecting the female.

Protecting yourself from abuse will be very worthwhile.  She might attempt to make it short-term unpleasant for you, but the long-term piece of mind and freedom from abuse is worth the trouble.

[5min]

I've tried the boundaries with extremely unpleasant results. I've especially tried to set one on the length of time she can rant at me. Monday night ran over 3 hours. Friday she had a melt down at lunch and then again last night.

I've been reading on the site some though I have to take a break from it periodically (reading and thinking about BOD) just to decompress. That is why I have not responded until now. I see from my reading that there is hope but only for those who recognize they have it and decide to do something about it. She refuses to admit that it might be her.

Life was simpler when it was just me and my crap. 

[Wrongturn1]

I've tried the boundaries with extremely unpleasant results. I've especially tried to set one on the length of time she can rant at me. Monday night ran over 3 hours. Friday she had a melt down at lunch and then again last night.

5min:  Sounds like it has been a difficult time lately - that sucks!

A quick note about the nature of boundaries.  Sometimes people confuse boundaries with imposing rules on people, but they're not the same thing.  Boundaries are about the behavior you are willing to accept and the actions that you will take to protect yourself from your boundaries being crossed.  Examples:

Rule:  "My BPD wife is only allowed to rant at me for 1 hour per night" [Even if your wife decided to follow the rule, it still sounds like an unhealthy, abusive situation to me, and I would not suggest this course of action.]

Boundary:  "I will not be verbally or physically abused"  [Then you take whichever action you need to take to prevent yourself from being abused - you can choose to inform your wife that you will leave the conversation and home temporarily if the tone of the conversation continues to be hostile toward you and give her a chance to be nice, or you can just leave without explanation - it's your call how you enforce your boundary.]

See the difference here?  With a rule, you have to hope the other person chooses to obey the rule.  With a boundary, you don't have to rely on the other person's compliance.  You just take the necessary actions to remove yourself from the abusive situation when it becomes necessary (still remembering to take the precautions to protect yourself from false allegations).