I need a break

[5xFive]

I'm tired. I'm sick of validating irrationality. I hate feeling like a single parent to three children when I only have 2. I despise the anxiety I feel anytime something goes wrong. Our AC went out and instead of worrying about the heat and the kids, what did I worry about? My BPD husband raging out. I managed to validate everything he said and he did not rage out but I'm worn out.
I wish MY feelings could be validated. I wish I could rage out without consequences. I wish I could act ignorant and rude and not have to suffer for days for losing the emotional lead.
Today, I woke up, cooked breakfast, took both kids to swim lessons, went grocery shopping at two different stores, got back home, unloaded the groceries by myself, put them away by myself, cooked lunch and fed everyone, got the kids down for a nap. What was hubby doing? Playing his video game and complaining about how much he hates his life and how it's all my fault and this is what I wanted so I have no right to complain. He works full time so he does enough. Well I work full time too! Oh but I work inside where it's air conditioned so again, I have no right to complain. This is what I wanted.
I wanted a family, I wanted a home. But not like this. I need support too. How can I continue to support someone when I don't feel like I have any of my own needs met? I'm just so tired.
I can't sleep bc my 7mo old wants to be on the boob all night long, my 6yr old is suffering bc I'm only one person! He watches way too much tv bc I'm busy with his sister, or validating his dad. Some days I feel like I bounce from one person to another in my family soothing, calming, kissing metaphorical and literal boo boos. But I'm used up. I can't complain to my family or friends bc they get pissed at my husband. They don't understand he's ill. Heck most days I don't understand it, how can I expect them to?
We can't afford my therapist anymore bc daycare costs SO much. I keep telling myself it's not forever, it's just for now, but some days (like today), I don't know if I can make it until she's older and we're saving an extra $1000 a month.
I just need validation too. That I'm ok. That I'm doing a great job, that I'm not messing up my kids by being completely wrapped up in helping their dad stay calm. I'm just so tired... .

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Monucka-

I HEAR YOU!  You are a wonderful mom, you're doing great by your kids, your husband, and yes... .you'll be able to kiss all the boo boos, real and imagined.

If possible, take yourself somewhere private for 5 or 10 minutes, and you can do this with your baby on you.  If she's quiet and nursing, close your eyes.  Listen only to her sound and then bring yourself to the sound of your breathing.  Now see yourself, just being quiet with your breathing.  Bring the air into you and blow it out, sort of with a sighing sound.  (This is going to sound nuts, but I do this and it has been a great relief and release.). OK, please get back to just being alone  now with your breath. 

You're going to do a silent primal scream.  And see yourself either by the sea or at the side of a canyon... .no one around.  NO ONE except for you. Sky, nature, colors, water, solitude, the sound of your breath.  Now when you're ready, gather yourself, draw in a really  GUT DEEP soul filling amount of air and then let out the loudest most SILENT primal scream you could ever imagine.  See yourself do that.  Feel yourself do that.  Be the girl who is releasing all that pent up frustration!  It's NOT ridiculous!  It works.  And no one needs to know why you feel so MUCH better!

Giving you a loving hug.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[5xFive]

Thank you Gemsforeyes. I did attempt your recommendation as I am currently nursing my LO. The breathing helped a ton and I believe with practice that I can get to where I can give a primal scream into the void. Currently I'm having a bit of a struggle with it, but i think I work so very hard at keeping my emotions in check all the time, that it's tough to let it go, even inside my own head. Lol

Your response was exactly what I needed. Since I posted earlier today, my husband has dysregulated emotionally. I don't know if I was feeling the start of the cycle and my anxiety was on high alert this morning, or if I simply had a bad day and my lack of emotional leadership has caused him to dysregulate.

It is so hard not to get defensive when he accuses me of saying or doing things that I haven't done. He makes assumptions and reacts to them and blames me for HIS feelings. But we all know this, we've all experienced this. It helps to know that I'm not alone.

[Zoaron]

Dear Monucka-

I HEAR YOU!  You are a wonderful mom, you're doing great by your kids, your husband, and yes... .you'll be able to kiss all the boo boos, real and imagined.

If possible, take yourself somewhere private for 5 or 10 minutes, and you can do this with your baby on you.  If she's quiet and nursing, close your eyes.  Listen only to her sound and then bring yourself to the sound of your breathing.  Now see yourself, just being quiet with your breathing.  Bring the air into you and blow it out, sort of with a sighing sound.  (This is going to sound nuts, but I do this and it has been a great relief and release.). OK, please get back to just being alone  now with your breath. 

You're going to do a silent primal scream.  And see yourself either by the sea or at the side of a canyon... .no one around.  NO ONE except for you. Sky, nature, colors, water, solitude, the sound of your breath.  Now when you're ready, gather yourself, draw in a really  GUT DEEP soul filling amount of air and then let out the loudest most SILENT primal scream you could ever imagine.  See yourself do that.  Feel yourself do that.  Be the girl who is releasing all that pent up frustration!  It's NOT ridiculous!  It works.  And no one needs to know why you feel so MUCH better!

Giving you a loving hug.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

If this was on Facebook, I would give this post a big "Love" click and share it.  Taking a few moments for yourself just to gather your thoughts and/or to scream is great for many situations, not just this.  Mine is going to take a bath to calm down and relax.  Baths do wonders for me.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Monucka-

Keep trying this, my friend and I promise you, your silent primal scream WILL come to you!

I have a question... .I can feel how hard you work to keep your emotions contained and in check.  Not an easy thing when in a relationship like this.  Not an easy thing considering we're human beings.  And most DEFINITELY not an easy thing considering you've recently given birth to a child.  I guess your husband does expect you to be "super woman" - and you're doing it! 

So finally, here's my question, what happens if you do show some emotion?  There are some things we simply cannot control.  Is his disregulation any different or more predictable when you "behave" in a certain manner?  Maybe we can figure out a way for you to "feel" more naturally.

And Zoaron, thank you for your input.  I love my baths too, but I'm thinking that Monucka is likely not afforded that luxury at this point in her life.  But she will get there!

Loving hugs,

Gemsforeyes

[5xFive]

Gemsforeyes,
As long as the emotion is upbeat and positive, all is well. If the emotion is in any way negative or even perceived as negative, then he begins to dysregulate. Sometimes I can pull him back by geting myself under control, and sometimes I can't. I never know, so I try to always control my actions and words and body language. It's exhausting.

This past week has been bad bc he has been dealing with a painful neck (dr says he needs an MRI) and his mother has been... .emotionally manipulative. Having an argument with his cousin, insisting he get involved "but only if he wants". "It's his decision" only it really isn't. She is being incredibly manipulative.

This morning, I was cooking bacon and eggs and the baby woke up from her nap early. I asked him to entertain her, and he went into total victim mode. Now he has to cook for himself? I said of course not, can he just watch the baby while I finish cooking? His neck is hurting, how can he hold a 15 lb baby? She's 7mo. She didn't need to be held, he could have played with her on the floor. But he freaked, so I told him to let me just finish cooking what was in the pan and I'll put her in the carrier for the non splatter foods. And then, my mistake, I said it wasn't a big deal, I'll cook myself some bacon later. The problem was I meant it! But he took it as manipulative and snide when I was being genuine. I told him that I am not his mother and I am not trying to manipulate his emotions. He screamed that I've ruined his weekend and that I better not try to tell him about reality. Im wrong, I am just like his mother. And then he started calling me her name. Lol.

[Lakebreeze]

My sympathy because I know the feeling of trying so hard to validate and be positive and then realizing that I don't remember the last time I felt validated. It's draining and exhausting. But you children are lucky to have you as a mom. You are obviously their rock. Sending hugs.