Roller coaster ride

[James6767]

Iv been with the potential BPD woman for almost 9 years. I have two kids with her and it has been a roller coaster ride of a relationship. I bought the book many years ago but didn't read it until recently when problems never went away no mater what I did. Iv left the realationship only to come back out of fear of not seeing my kids. Iv been to counseling several times and still am going in atempts to show her I'm changing. I have changed and still am and believe that's how a relationship should be, a give and take, equally. Recently she just flat out told me that she will not change and never will, that I should find someone else if I wanted her to get help and change. I don't usually post things or discussions but after 8 years for her to flat out say that, after never going to the agreed cousluling or doing and changing, I'm at a loss.

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[smart_storm26]

Hello James,

First of all welcome here. I would like to help you in your current situation and there are some things I want to point out

After reading your post I feel over the years you have sucked up a lot of emotional abuse from your wife, enough to make you seek counselling yourself even though you are not the main contributor for problems in your relationship (as a matter of fact your wife is)

"problems never went away no mater what I did" In that case its not you who needs correction. Its your wife who needs.

"Iv been to counseling several times and still am going in atempts to show her I'm changing". My question is why are you changing? Do you think something is wrong with you that is affecting the relationship? Or your wife made you think so?

Let me tell you what I think. You have been a very responsible, hard-working (towards the relationship), mature, forgiving and accommodating husband but I suspect you have been terrible at setting boundaries that your wife is not meant to cross

Why will you need to change if its you who has given his everything to make this relationship work? Why is your wife not expected to work through her issues for the betterment of the relationship? These are questions you need to ask yourself. Whether your other half is BPD or not, you deserve better than taking crap from someone especially who has more issues than you.

"that's how a relationship should be, a give and take, equally". Absolutely. Remember a relationship is the responsibility of two people, not one. You cannot shoulder everything and the other person does nothing. I am not analyzing if its possible for you or not. Its UNFAIR

Let me give you a crash course in boundary setting.

"Recently she just flat out told me that she will not change and never will, that I should find someone else if I wanted her to get help and change"

Here's how you should have responded to her behavior.

Do not go into a rage. Just politely tell her

'Honey a relationship is the responsibility of two people, not one. There have been many times where your behavior has hurt me and its not fair that only one person keeps working on the relationship and the other person thinks that maintaining the relationship is none of her business. This has to stop. If you cannot at least take responsibility for all the hurt and issues your behavior has caused me then you do not deserve to be in a relationship with me. I want a woman who respects me and contributes equally to the relationship. If you cannot be that woman, then I have no other option but to LEAVE YOU (don't worry this will be your last option but communicate this to her in a serious tone). I will see what I can do for our kids in case we need to separate. And one other thing, if you love me and really value this relationship, you will HAVE TO (stress on this as if there is no other alternative) work on yourself whatever that involves (therapy, counselling). If you cannot do then I am not left with any other options. I am angry on you, sad on your behavior and frustrated that you do not take responsibility for your hurtful behavior'

If she doesn't let you speak, write this on a letter, put it on her bed/table and leave.

Grow a pair and don't let her walk all over you. Why will she change her behavior if you are trying to change yourself for her misconduct? SHE NEEDS TO WORK ON HERSELF. NOT YOU.

[Mutt]

Hi James6767,

Recently she just flat out told me that she will not change and never will, that I should find someone else if I wanted her to get help and change. I don't usually post things or discussions but after 8 years for her to flat out say that, after never going to the agreed cousluling or doing and changing, I'm at a loss.

I'd like to join   smart_storm26 and welcome you to bpdfamily. So you said that she has potential BPD, I'm assuming that you mean that she's undiagnosed, what behaviors leads you to believe that she's potentially a pwBPD? What was your conversation about when she said that she won't change? What are the issues at hand in your r/s? Can you describe the roller-coaster experience?