Why do I always want to play the rescuer?

[misty_red]

It really makes me sick but that’s really what I’m trying to do. That’s the reason I often end up with cluster bs, God knows maybe I am one myself because of that. It sucks.

I don’t know why but whenever there’s someone in need I just have to reach out to them. It’s like some weird sensor being activated. And the thing is: it really makes me prone to abuse and I don’t like that.

Do you think it’s some narcissistic trait and I want to make myself feel better when helping others? I just don’t know if my intentions are truly altruistic. I mean, it feels that way but how would I know? It’s just some weird pattern.

I guess it really sounds presumtuous but when I met my exBPDgf I felt like „When everyone else thinks you are weird an not worth having a friendship/relationship with I will show you that there are good people out there. I show you that you are not a bad person only because you are shy and withdrawn.“ I mean, I’d known her for some time and in the beginning I didn’t like her but then I got to know her better and I really liked her for the way she was, so it was not just about rescuing someone.

Still I can’t shake the feeling off that maybe I do seek such people?

Even in movies or games, literature… I always root for the „bad guys/girls“ because I somehow emphasize with them.  I don’t share their traits but I always feel like deep down they feel abandonded. And yes, as a child I felt like that very often so maybe that’s the reason I’m doing all of this? It feels like I’m trying to redeem them/myself. I grew up with a BPD(mostly waif)-mother and until that recent day I feel like something is wrong with me, that somehow I was a bad child and need to make up for it – not consciously I guess, as I said before I feel like my intentions are good but yeah, how would I know?

I’m with a guy now (I am female and bisexual so you won’t be confused) and I really like him. Don’t get me wrong, he’s quite the opposite and afar from my exBPDgf. I don’t say I miss the drama but I miss being helpful. When I’m with him he’s the one cooking (he is a good cook!), the one cleaning up, the one shopping. It’s not that he truly forbids me to do anything, he’s just very attentive and wants to fulfill my every wish and spoils me rotten. But I also want to do something for him. I want to be there for him.

It’s not really an issue in the relationship, I just wanted to illustrate how I always want to be helpful.

They say that often BPDs end up with NPDs and vice versa. I’m not BPD myself, I do have fear of abandonment and other problems though that fit into cluster b (but then again: who doesn’t and it’s not surprising when you grow up with a BPD). Sometimes I’m afraid I might be a narcissist. Sometimes I don’t know if I truly am the humble and altruistic person people claim me to be or if it’s only about doing good things because I want to be/feel good. If that would be the case I could never forgive myself for getting involved with my exBPDgf. Because I knew exactly what could be happening when being with a BPD, she didn’t know. I enabled her.

Sometimes I really feel like being out there and telling people „Hey, here you go. Come one. Give me some abuse, I can take it. I can heal you. Fill me with your hate and anger, I can make it go away so you won’t hurt anybody else and yourself anymore. I can take it. I’m Gandhi’s reincarnation.“ Of course I don’t really think I’m Gandhi’s reincarnation. I’m just making fun of myself right now. Whatever. I think you know what I mean.

[Turkish]

In rooting for the abandoned child, even fictional, do you think you are rooting for yourself?

Would that we could go back in time and rescue ourselves from our dysfunctional childhoods. By turning to others in need, perhaps we fulfill our own needs, but not those present; rather, the needs of our past selves. There's nothing wrong with being a Rescuer (so saith my T). The world needs mercy and kindness. It's when we lack boundaries, or fail to let down our defenses so others can meet our needs, that it becomes a problem.

[fromheeltoheal]

I don’t know why but whenever there’s someone in need I just have to reach out to them. It’s like some weird sensor being activated.

Do you think it’s some narcissistic trait and I want to make myself feel better when helping others?

And yes, as a child I felt like that very often so maybe that’s the reason I’m doing all of this? It feels like I’m trying to redeem them/myself. I grew up with a BPD(mostly waif)-mother and until that recent day I feel like something is wrong with me, that somehow I was a bad child and need to make up for it – not consciously I guess, as I said before I feel like my intentions are good but yeah, how would I know?

If we didn't get enough love and attention growing up we can conclude that we aren't inherently lovable, so we need to do something to get love, instead of just being lovable.  So we give in hopes of getting, which is proactive and admirable, an addressing of the situation, but also misdirected in that our time would be better spent adjusting out beliefs such that we become inherently lovable.  Plus, by picking the wounded ones there's a better chance of having that love accepted, along with the validation that goes with it, although the wounded ones will probably be less able to love us back.

Any of that speak to you?

[Ripped Heart]

misty_red, I can totally relate to your situation and the questions you keep asking yourself because I'm the very same boat.

My previous 2 relationships have been with Cluster B disordered people. Prior to that was a 10 year r/s with an emotionally unstable gf (possibly Cluster B PD too) who was completely dependent on me. The common denominator in all of this is me which led me to seek out a relational therapist to help identify why these patterns keep occurring and where my role as a rescuer stems from. I have to say, it's still early days but some very surprising results and revelations so far.

From what we have discussed, it appears I grew up with 2 Cluster B parents, my mother has a lot of BPD traits, my father was definite NPD. As children we usually learn from our parents and it can go one of 2 ways, we either become like them or we go the complete opposite way. My father walked out when we were young and my mother was never around. I became caretaker to my sister when I was only 9 years old and nothing I did was ever good enough for my mother. She was invalidating, if I accomplished something she would never say she was proud or "well done" it was always "if you put more effort in, you could have done even better" so I always strived to be a perfectionist. For me, a lot of my rescuing tendencies are a form of wanting acceptance or the validation I never had growing up.

I also know that because I never got the validation as a child, I had resentment towards my sister because in young eyes, she was being fulfilled where I was missing out. As an adult, me and my sister are very close but I carry a lot of guilt around still for feeling that way as a child. So to compensate, I don't need thanks or compliments which is the exact opposite of what I'm rescuing for and it keeps me in a cycle.

As for abandonment, I explored that and although my father did "abandon" us, I had closure on that several years later and abandonment was never really an issue (if anything it was more of a relief) but in a sense it feels very similar. However, what the situation did create was being lonely. You sometimes find that Abandoned Child and Lonely Child go hand in hand. Abandoned child "needs" to have an attachment, lonely child "wants" a friend. So lonely child will do anything to keep that friend even if it means abuse from your partner. We play into the push/pull dynamic because as Abandoned child starts to pull away, we go chasing and when they get abusive, we accept their baggage to keep hold of them.

We root for the bad guy because we can empathise with them. I know in my case, I could never do anything right in my parents eyes, so felt very misunderstood. We understand their point of view and that's another thing that draws us towards cluster B's. We know they aren't really bad, just misunderstood just as we were as children and think that we can help them because there was nobody there to help us so we know what that hurt and pain feels like and why. In essence we are trying to help our inner child by trying to save another misunderstood inner child. What we should be doing is turning that back on ourselves and use that energy to heal our own inner child.

[Ziggiddy]

Hi  misty_red

I am sorry for you to be feeling confusion over your motives for wanting to help. Also trying to define your own personality as well as the partners you've been involved with. It can get confusing can't it? Once our lives have been touched by BPD or NPD we become very very aware of behaviour and often question whether we ourselves are functional, whether our partners are, whether their behaviour is in response to disorder or whether our own behaviour is disordered, are we showing fleas? etc etc

I think all of this is quite natural as we redefine our world, our view of others and our view of ourselves.

As far as feeling the need to help others, that is quite human and an expression of incredible kindness  - so no, it is not narcissistic, it is a pure form of giving.

My concern is not that you are wondering about it - more that you seem unhappy about it. Even saying it makes you sick.

If you are engaging in behaviour that you don't want to, then that is pretty much the definition of compulsion.

And it is quite common with a BPD parent to be confused about motives of giving and taking. I agree quite wholeheartedly with heeltoheal that

If we didn't get enough love and attention growing up we can conclude that we aren't inherently lovable, so we need to do something to get love, instead of just being lovable.  So we give in hopes of getting, which is proactive and admirable, an addressing of the situation, but also misdirected in that our time would be better spent adjusting out beliefs such that we become inherently lovable. 

If you are giving compulsively it may be a form of repetition compulsion where you re enact past problems in order to solve them better now.

If it is difficult for you to accept someone doing something for you without needing to do something for them in return you may just have been brought up to believe that every thing you received came at a cost and needed to be reciprocated. No doubt your self esteem was affected as it is difficult for you to just receive without guilt.

I have found it useful to try and look at it from another person's POV. Like if I enjoy giving to someone else for the sake of them having something nice then wouldn't it be nice to let other people have the same enjoyment in giving to me?

I keep in mind also when dealing with the 'underdog' that quite often the writer of the movie/game/book intended me to feel in particular ways about his characters!

[NYMike]

I wish there was more input on this.This week in Therapy I discovered I am a sick rescuer.I am ''addicted'' to other peoples crises and chaos.This is how I get my self esteem,self worth,feel loved and feel wanted.I also see that this is ''controlling'' and being in control.So I have control issues.

This in itself is SELFISH of me on some levels.I use other people to gain my own self worth.I also am addicted to the whole crises and the chaos.I have no boundries and I obsess over other peoples terrible life.I want to help and love them.

In Therapy I had this ''fantasy'' and it was unhealthy.If I bring home a sick woman and ''save'' and ''fix'' her,then she will never abandone me and will love me forever and ever.She will appreciate me till the end of time.Pretty sick fantasy I had for many years with picking these broken woman.

This fantasy I had is so self destructive.It back fired on me time and time again and caused my life a lot of pain.It just does not work in the way I thought it did.I can't bring home a broken woman and make her a house wife.!... .

This started as a young boy for me.I used to rescue dogs and bring them home.I would love them and then they had to go because mom and dad said NO ANIMALS.Now I have done this with woman my whole life.I am to the point that I want to hang up my spurs on this whole rescue mission.

I would like to learn more about being with a healthy woman that does not need rescuing.This may be difficult because I have never in my life been with a healthy woman.This is why I continue therapy.I am broken also.

2 people have to be whole to make a healthy relationship.2 sickies don't make a welly().

So I continue my Therapy and Al-Anon and try to work through my own issues with being raised in a violent alcoholic home.

[Lucky Jim]

Fair question, Misty, and I suspect that most who have been in a BPD r/s share this trait to some extent.  It's what makes a BPD r/s so intense and tough to leave, in my view, because pairing a rescuer/Non with a pwBPD creates an incredibly strong attraction, like a perfect storm in some ways.  You are on the right track, I think.  Examination of why one needs to rescue to feel good is an important step in one's recovery.  LuckyJim

[Trog]

This is interesting, I'm going to look up more on rescuing.

I rescued my mother from my physically abusive father many times from the age of 8, I would guard her from him. I'm pretty sure that must be connected to getting involved with my wife, who is not just a little bit unwell, but when off her meds very very unwell.

However, I'll also rescue strangers. I won't tell older men what I do or what I earn incase they feel upstaged! How is the for rescuing! I scan people for their situation and them only release info that I feel will not hurt their feelings!

I better go look up rescuing behaviour Right now!

Mike -  don't think it's selfish, it's classic codependency - I rescue flies!

[eyvindr]

So many important insights in this thread! Here's a snapshot into my brain as I read through these posts: ... .yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, me too, oh yeah, yep, uh-uh, that's me.

Glad we're starting to sort out this stuff for ourselves! Threads like this are what make these forums at bpdfamily so SO important and helpful. As difficult as it all is, on some level, the complexity and twistedness of it all helps me feel less like an absolute failure for not understanding it sooner -- it's not terribly intuitive, is it? The better I begin to understand it, the more I'm able to process it and see where I've made poor choices, and how I can hopefully make better ones in the future. That's the whole purpose. Doing better, becoming better and, as a result, happier.

[NYMike]

This is interesting, I'm going to look up more on rescuing.

I rescued my mother from my physically abusive father many times from the age of 8, I would guard her from him. I'm pretty sure that must be connected to getting involved with my wife, who is not just a little bit unwell, but when off her meds very very unwell.

However, I'll also rescue strangers. I won't tell older men what I do or what I earn incase they feel upstaged! How is the for rescuing! I scan people for their situation and them only release info that I feel will not hurt their feelings!

I better go look up rescuing behaviour Right now!

Mike -  don't think it's selfish, it's classic codependency - I rescue flies!

I also rescued and gaurded my mother from my abusive alcoholic father.The sad part is my mother never left and abandoned me to be with him time and time again.

There is a pattern in my life of picking woman like my mother and trying to save them.In turn every woman I have been involved with and tried to ''gaurd'' went back to abusive men,drugs and alcohol.They abandon me and go back to the abuse.Wierd that this is what my mother did time and time again.

I hope at 47 this is it for me.I will continue therapy and pray to stop picking woman that are drug addicts,alcoholics and lived with abusive men.

I have 2 girls calling me now that are in an abusive relationship and playing victim and I am keeping my distance and not allowing myself to ''save the day''.Yes I feel bad and have empathy but that is toxic for me to get close to or involved with.

[Trog]

This is interesting, I'm going to look up more on rescuing.

I rescued my mother from my physically abusive father many times from the age of 8, I would guard her from him. I'm pretty sure that must be connected to getting involved with my wife, who is not just a little bit unwell, but when off her meds very very unwell.

However, I'll also rescue strangers. I won't tell older men what I do or what I earn incase they feel upstaged! How is the for rescuing! I scan people for their situation and them only release info that I feel will not hurt their feelings!

I better go look up rescuing behaviour Right now!

Mike -  don't think it's selfish, it's classic codependency - I rescue flies!

I also rescued and gaurded my mother from my abusive alcoholic father.The sad part is my mother never left and abandoned me to be with him time and time again.

There is a pattern in my life of picking woman like my mother and trying to save them.In turn every woman I have been involved with and tried to ''gaurd'' went back to abusive men,drugs and alcohol.They abandon me and go back to the abuse.Wierd that this is what my mother did time and time again.

I hope at 47 this is it for me.I will continue therapy and pray to stop picking woman that are drug addicts,alcoholics and lived with abusive men.

I have 2 girls calling me now that are in an abusive relationship and playing victim and I am keeping my distance and not allowing myself to ''save the day''.Yes I feel bad and have empathy but that is toxic for me to get close to or involved with.

My mother also never left my father and as an adult now looking back, she should have, but we don't understand that at the time. It's a very difficult one to deal with but spotting patterns and then seeing others who act like this should reinforce in us both that the problem to be solved lies outside the BPD partner. I have had relationships with stable(r) women, but I left them for more tempestuous relationships, I don't think we understand what a true loving relationship looks like and are addicted to the drama and putting right the wrong, it's brain pathway connections perhaps?

Do not go and save the day, you will ruin your year, everybody should be taking responsibility for themselves, that's step A, if we all just did that none of us would be here. I am quarantining myself from women until I have got that down pat, stop trying to control others, have control over myself and place honesty at the top of my list for myself. I think many of us, and especially the BpDs struggle with the authentic self. The 12 steps are very short sentences but I think they can do a lot of good for all kinds of control/life mess issues.

Good luck 

[Rifka]

Mike -  don't think it's selfish, it's classic codependency - I rescue flies! Quote::


I save flies too, as well as spiders and anything else that makes it into somewhere it could get hurt or get killed!

That's too funny!

Is that really bad? I never really thought about that! I also am the person to pull off the road to help people in accidents or anywhere anything is wrong. I worked as an Emt years ago, just habit and I know I can usually be some help to the situation. I'm not going to change! Not that anyway. I'm working on myself with the fixing people stuff that is not physical. I do find myself stopping what I want to say or do and letting people figure it out or not on their own. It's very hard, but I'm getting better on it and focusing more on myself, which for some bizarre reason still feels selfish to me.


Rifka

[Trog]

Mike -  don't think it's selfish, it's classic codependency - I rescue flies! Quote::


I save flies too, as well as spiders and anything else that makes it into somewhere it could get hurt or get killed!

That's too funny!

Is that really bad? I never really thought about that! I also am the person to pull off the road to help people in accidents or anywhere anything is wrong. I worked as an Emt years ago, just habit and I know I can usually be some help to the situation. I'm not going to change! Not that anyway. I'm working on myself with the fixing people stuff that is not physical. I do find myself stopping what I want to say or do and letting people figure it out or not on their own. It's very hard, but I'm getting better on it and focusing more on myself, which for some bizarre reason still feels selfish to me.


Rifka

Nah, the flies don't mirror us and love bomb, dive bomb yes, love bomb, not so much.

[Rifka]

Mike -  don't think it's selfish, it's classic codependency - I rescue flies! Quote::


I save flies too, as well as spiders and anything else that makes it into somewhere it could get hurt or get killed!

That's too funny!

Is that really bad? I never really thought about that! I also am the person to pull off the road to help people in accidents or anywhere anything is wrong. I worked as an Emt years ago, just habit and I know I can usually be some help to the situation. I'm not going to change! Not that anyway. I'm working on myself with the fixing people stuff that is not physical. I do find myself stopping what I want to say or do and letting people figure it out or not on their own. It's very hard, but I'm getting better on it and focusing more on myself, which for some bizarre reason still feels selfish to me.


Rifka

Nah, the flies don't mirror us and love bomb, dive bomb yes, love bomb, not so much.

Lol!

[eyvindr]

I think I must have a twisted attraction to clusterbees, too (it sounds like a pretty good candy). What has puzzled me for years is that the thought of being a rescuer, in this sense, literally makes my skin crawl! It gives me the heebie-jeebies! I don't know what makes it so severe.

I was raised and have been conditioned to be responsible, and to take care of myself. Having done that ever since being on my own, I know it's hard, but it's life. I've never expected anyone else to take care of me or to cover for my obligations -- no one. Granted, it's an appealing thought -- but you just don't shirk your responsibilities. You earn what you have, you pay for what you want, you aren't entitled to anything, you aren't better than anyone else, and, if you can help, you should. And you can only be in a position to help if you've got your own life under control. That's what I was taught, that's how I've experienced life -- and it seems to work pretty good that way, really. It helped me get through my divorce, and raising my son as a single dad. Except for occasional babysitting help from relatives -- mainly my mother -- and one small loan to help with legal fees, I did everything myself. I didn't file for bankruptcy, despite being left with tons of debt after my marriage, I never received child support from my son's mother, and she pretty much dropped out of his life almost entirely when he was in second grade. It wasn't fun, but I did it. Even managed to have a few relationships while I was doing it -- and I certainly didn't expect my GF's in those days to dive into surrogate mother duty.

So, when I meet people who give off some vibe that they think it's ok to lean on other people for everything, as opposed to just when they need help, or who feel like their gender or social status or particular set of personal challenges entitles them to treatment that I don't expect for myself, it really rubs me the wrong way. Seriously, it makes me want to run! Yet, every long-term serious relationship that I've ever had has been with a partner who, after the initial infatuation, has turned out to be either completely irresponsible, or only responsible in some areas -- and, where they haven't pulled their own weight, they've been quite comfortable leading me to believe that for them this kind of stuff falls squarely under the heading of "BF duties." Each of these women initially presented themselves as being together, happy, independent, secure -- all of them! Some were worse than other, but none of them were who they pretended they were.

Maybe the trick is, when I offer to help someone, I need to look for signs that they try to refuse, instead of immediately taking me up on the offer. Maybe that would indicate to me that, while my offer is sincere, they wish that they could handle it on their own, and already had a plan. That could at least show me that, even if they eventually did accept my help, they appreciated it, and understood that it wasn't something they were entitled to. It's something that someone gives you, out of care, concern and love -- not because they want something from you.

On a more lighthearted not -- I'm happy to see humor making a bit of a comeback in some of our threads!

I don't really care about flies, but I'll let them out if I can. Spiders I move. I generally try not to kill anything. Sometimes I slip up with mosquitoes.

[Trog]

Yes, I agree, I find entitlement horrific but it was lurking behind two of my longest relationship. Had I been paying attention I would have seen the entitlement when describing other relationships/friends but they took a little while to start to taking advantage of me and by that time... .The fly is in the spiders web! Maybe the fly saving is a brotherhood thing?

I think the trick is to go 50/50 from the get go and make everything super even, if this is not how they want to play they will retire away from you without you needing to play detective. I do find this hard because I like treating people, but with new people, yes, don't give em nuffink! Play even and they'll just scuttle away.

[Rifka]

I think I must have a twisted attraction to clusterbees, too (it sounds like a pretty good candy). What has puzzled me for years is that the thought of being a rescuer, in this sense, literally makes my skin crawl! It gives me the heebie-jeebies! I don't know what makes it so severe.

I was raised and have been conditioned to be responsible, and to take care of myself. Having done that ever since being on my own, I know it's hard, but it's life. I've never expected anyone else to take care of me or to cover for my obligations -- no one. Granted, it's an appealing thought -- but you just don't shirk your responsibilities. You earn what you have, you pay for what you want, you aren't entitled to anything, you aren't better than anyone else, and, if you can help, you should. And you can only be in a position to help if you've got your own life under control. That's what I was taught, that's how I've experienced life -- and it seems to work pretty good that way, really. It helped me get through my divorce, and raising my son as a single dad. Except for occasional babysitting help from relatives -- mainly my mother -- and one small loan to help with legal fees, I did everything myself. I didn't file for bankruptcy, despite being left with tons of debt after my marriage, I never received child support from my son's mother, and she pretty much dropped out of his life almost entirely when he was in second grade. It wasn't fun, but I did it. Even managed to have a few relationships while I was doing it -- and I certainly didn't expect my GF's in those days to dive into surrogate mother duty.

So, when I meet people who give off some vibe that they think it's ok to lean on other people for everything, as opposed to just when they need help, or who feel like their gender or social status or particular set of personal challenges entitles them to treatment that I don't expect for myself, it really rubs me the wrong way. Seriously, it makes me want to run! Yet, every long-term serious relationship that I've ever had has been with a partner who, after the initial infatuation, has turned out to be either completely irresponsible, or only responsible in some areas -- and, where they haven't pulled their own weight, they've been quite comfortable leading me to believe that for them this kind of stuff falls squarely under the heading of "BF duties." Each of these women initially presented themselves as being together, happy, independent, secure -- all of them! Some were worse than other, but none of them were who they pretended they were.

Maybe the trick is, when I offer to help someone, I need to look for signs that they try to refuse, instead of immediately taking me up on the offer. Maybe that would indicate to me that, while my offer is sincere, they wish that they could handle it on their own, and already had a plan. That could at least show me that, even if they eventually did accept my help, they appreciated it, and understood that it wasn't something they were entitled to. It's something that someone gives you, out of care, concern and love -- not because they want something from you.

On a more lighthearted not -- I'm happy to see humor making a bit of a comeback in some of our threads!

I don't really care about flies, but I'll let them out if I can. Spiders I move. I generally try not to kill anything. Sometimes I slip up with mosquitoes.

I was raised where my dad took care of my mother and the family as far as working and paying the bills. Same was in my marraige. I have never felt I took advantage and my exh would say that as well. We are best friends! I gave back in other ways. All of my boyfriends have always taken care of going out, vacations and whatever, and again, I took care of other things and gave back in other ways. It has just always been like that! I was raising the kids, being nurse, taxi, coach. With boyfriends I always bought things for them or took them to concerts or other great things that I could do. I guess it just my upbringing and my culture, and still exists today. The males always treated the women. Right or wrong, they wouldn't let us pay, even when offered. I am grateful always and always try to give them something back that would not insult them. Our culture is still that way! Maybe it's the over 50 age group as well that is use to chivalry. Again I'm not saying it's right or wrong, it just is what it is. I think it might bother you because you might have dealt with people who expect it and give nothing back in return. My ex crazy BPDbf was the only man that had a problem paying for even a drink or a meal without an argument! HE SURE HAD NO PROBLEM WITH LIVING IN MY HOME WITHOUT OFFERING A PENNY FOR THE MORTGAGE! TAXES, FOOD OR ANYTHING ELSE FOR 5 MONTH WHILE HE COULD AFFORD TO HELP, MAKING OVER 80,000 a year. I will stick to weeding people out just the opposite way, if they don't offer to cover meals out, it will be a red flag to me to let it be the last date. By the way, I take full responsibility for the fact that he didn't pay his share. maybe he paid his way in the bedroom! If only to find that passion again minus the BPD! One can only dream! I would rather struggle on my own then ever lose my self and at times my mind again.


Rifka

[Trog]

Same here Rifka, I paid for all mortgage, council tax, bills while she lived for free in the house. One night I calmly pointed out the differences how I was paying 2400 outgoings and her paying 400, later in that same evening, just off the cuff, she tells me 'I don't find you attractive anymore' few hours later. Funny that innit!

[Rifka]

Same here Rifka, I paid for all mortgage, council tax, bills while she lived for free in the house. One night I calmly pointed out the differences how I was paying 2400 outgoings and her paying 400, later in that same evening, just off the cuff, she tells me 'I don't find you attractive anymore' few hours later. Funny that innit!

My house taxes alone are 1300 a month without the mortgage, and forget all of my other normal monthy bills. I was paying for two kids in college, thankfully one is done now! Mr BPD knew that! He had his own bills was his response. His parents pd most of his bills as they lived in the family home that he initially told me was his!

Live and learn!

I was stupid once, never again!

[Trog]

Same here Rifka, I paid for all mortgage, council tax, bills while she lived for free in the house. One night I calmly pointed out the differences how I was paying 2400 outgoings and her paying 400, later in that same evening, just off the cuff, she tells me 'I don't find you attractive anymore' few hours later. Funny that innit!

My house taxes alone are 1300 a month without the mortgage, and forget all of my other normal monthy bills. I was paying for two kids in college, thankfully one is done now! Mr BPD knew that! He had his own bills was his response. His parents pd most of his bills as they lived in the family home that he initially told me was his!

Live and learn!

I was stupid once, never again!

Better than me, I was stupid twice. My ex previous to her actually carried my credit cards round because she 'was more likely to need them than me', when I was upset that she expected that from me she went ballistic like I was totally out of order because she was running the house, I used to go to my 100k job with pocket money for lunch.

I think that was truly my all time low. With BPD ex I got to carry my own cards, just not allowed to buy anything without permission

[Rifka]

Same here Rifka, I paid for all mortgage, council tax, bills while she lived for free in the house. One night I calmly pointed out the differences how I was paying 2400 outgoings and her paying 400, later in that same evening, just off the cuff, she tells me 'I don't find you attractive anymore' few hours later. Funny that innit!

My house taxes alone are 1300 a month without the mortgage, and forget all of my other normal monthy bills. I was paying for two kids in college, thankfully one is done now! Mr BPD knew that! He had his own bills was his response. His parents pd most of his bills as they lived in the family home that he initially told me was his!

Live and learn!

I was stupid once, never again!

Better than me, I was stupid twice. My ex previous to her actually carried my credit cards round because she 'was more likely to need them than me', when I was upset that she expected that from me she went ballistic like I was totally out of order because she was running the house, I used to go to my 100k job with pocket money for lunch.

I think that was truly my all time low. With BPD ex I got to carry my own cards, just not allowed to buy anything without permission

Oh I hope you are treating yourself to some very lovely things now! Lol! I treat myself to massages every month. It's really wonderful and very appreciated by me! I treat myself nicely now again! Im shooting for healing my heart and soul!

I have never had a man tell me what I can have or not. I have made my own money since I'm a child selling door to door, shoveling driveways and being the babysitter of the entire block. I will always buy whatever I want, whenever I want as long as I want it and it doesn't make me short of funds.

Honestly my needs are very minimal! I'm not a shopper!

[eyvindr]

Good talk, gang. If I may -- with all due respect -- I think we're drifting a bit from the purpose of the L6 section. No biggie -- it's easy to do, and when we find others here at BPDFam who can actually relate to what we've been through as individuals, it's totally natural to start spilling out details of our r-ships.

But we are supposed to focus here on what we've learned, and how we can apply it to improving our lives and our choices, and not spent too much time blabbering about our ex's and specific details of all the things they used to do. Again -- no offense -- I've been guilty of this myself on numerous occasions! Just a gentle reminder for us to get back to our original question:

Why do we always choose to be rescuers, or find ourselves in that role even when we think we're trying to avoid it?

[Rifka]

Good talk, gang. If I may -- with all due respect -- I think we're drifting a bit from the purpose of the L6 section. No biggie -- it's easy to do, and when we find others here at BPDFam who can actually relate to what we've been through as individuals, it's totally natural to start spilling out details of our r-ships.

But we are supposed to focus here on what we've learned, and how we can apply it to improving our lives and our choices, and not spent too much time blabbering about our ex's and specific details of all the things they used to do. Again -- no offense -- I've been guilty of this myself on numerous occasions! Just a gentle reminder for us to get back to our original question:

Why do we always choose to be rescuers, or find ourselves in that role even when we think we're trying to avoid it?

Sorry, you are right!


Maybe we are the chosen ones because we are dependable. For example my cousin just phoned me that he lost his job months ago, is going to court on jan to fight eviction from his apartment. He is broke! He called because he knows I have an extra bedroom. He has been here two other times in the past 5 years when he couldn't find a job. Once for three months, once for two months. He was in a halfway house once and was beaten up and attacked by bed bugs. How do I not offer when I have room. I would take in anybody on hard times that I know.

Really he doesn't bother me, so is this just having no boundries or being nice, kind and human? My houses have always been open to anybody with hard times of anybody sick that needed to be cared for. I really don't mind at all as long as it is only for a certain time. My children have had so many really great experiences of sharing, and life from our home and our guests over the years.

I guess that's where I got into the mess with the ex living here. I am a rescurer. I didn't ever realize it was a problem until now. I actually never thought about it at all. I have room, so people come, it was just what it was my whole adult life. I have always been the safe house, the fun house, the peaceful place!  So where are the boundries other than setting a time limit.

I would hope if I ever become homeless or helpless that somebody might feel the same way and if they don't, it's fine, I will always find a way! Everybody is not the same and yes in a perfect world we would all be able to manage our money and lives properly to not get into situations, but it's not.

I'm really starting to think that I don't know the difference. It won't make me poor, or struggle at all, so what would you all do?

I will take him in because that's what I do because I care. good thing I have codependent no more on my night table, I will start reading tonight.

Back on topic!

Rifka.

[eyvindr]

Thanks for sharing, Rifka. You sound like a genuinely kind and compassionate person.

I think your approach to life is how we're supposed to live, and I wouldn't suggest that you do it any other way. you sound like a generous soul who is happy to extend your generous spirit to other souls walking on this planet at the same time. That's a really admirable and not particularly common trait, at least in my experience.

Maybe you just need to work on having a little more objectivity. I don't know much about your past, but it sounds like really this approach to life has mostly worked out for you, except for your ex. Sounds like you've helped your cousin before, but while he seems to have some challenges, or not the best luck, from what you've shared, it sounds like he's been appreciative and not abused your hospitality or taken advantage of you. I still think it's healthy to have clearly stated boundaries, if for no other reason that to prevent bad feelings -- particularly when you're helping friends or relatives. In my case, for example, I've been fortunate to be able to help out some friends who ran into some financial difficulty. I had the money, it wasn't all that much in the grand scheme, and when I made the decision to offer my help, I also did it with no expectation of being paid back -- it was a gift. I offered it, and they were free to choose to accept it, or deny it -- but I wasn't going to hold them accountable for how they ended up using it, and I have no expectation of being repaid. If that were to happen, I might accept it, or I still might say forget it -- though knowing my friends, they probably wouldn't let me say no. Either way, I was happy to help them.

I'm not real familiar with your back story -- how long were you seeing your ex before he moved in? If it was pretty fast (as these BPD attachments can tend to be), maybe that's the kind of thing to be wary of -- particularly if it's someone you don't know very well, or a new romantic interest. Just some thoughts.

(And -- no apology necessary on the thread-drift! You did a great job of re-focusing the discussion.)

[Rifka]

Thanks for sharing, Rifka. You sound like a genuinely kind and compassionate person.

I think your approach to life is how we're supposed to live, and I wouldn't suggest that you do it any other way. you sound like a generous soul who is happy to extend your generous spirit to other souls walking on this planet at the same time. That's a really admirable and not particularly common trait, at least in my experience.

Maybe you just need to work on having a little more objectivity. I don't know much about your past, but it sounds like really this approach to life has mostly worked out for you, except for your ex. Sounds like you've helped your cousin before, but while he seems to have some challenges, or not the best luck, from what you've shared, it sounds like he's been appreciative and not abused your hospitality or taken advantage of you. I still think it's healthy to have clearly stated boundaries, if for no other reason that to prevent bad feelings -- particularly when you're helping friends or relatives. In my case, for example, I've been fortunate to be able to help out some friends who ran into some financial difficulty. I had the money, it wasn't all that much in the grand scheme, and when I made the decision to offer my help, I also did it with no expectation of being paid back -- it was a gift. I offered it, and they were free to choose to accept it, or deny it -- but I wasn't going to hold them accountable for how they ended up using it, and I have no expectation of being repaid. If that were to happen, I might accept it, or I still might say forget it -- though knowing my friends, they probably wouldn't let me say no. Either way, I was happy to help them.

I'm not real familiar with your back story -- how long were you seeing your ex before he moved in? If it was pretty fast (as these BPD attachments can tend to be), maybe that's the kind of thing to be wary of -- particularly if it's someone you don't know very well, or a new romantic interest. Just some thoughts.

(And -- no apology necessary on the thread-drift! You did a great job of re-focusing the discussion.)

Thanks, no my cousin doesn't take advantage at all. He does have bad luck, mostly caused by himself, but I love him for him!

Money I have lent people and been burned years ago, so I learned my lesson a very long time ago. I also don't lend anymore. If I give its a non conditional gift!

I agree with you, if you have it, why not! I was helped with no conditions and as a complete gift when I had hard times. When I was a new mom my then husband had lost his job, we just bought a house and the heater went. I was gifted money and used it to get a new heater so we didn't freeze. I believe in paying things forward!

My ex did try to move in very quickly. It started as a one night thing and before long it was everynight. I have to admit that I did love him in my bed, but I will not be sucker punched again by a freeloader. Totally my fault that I didnt make him leave sooner!

I know for sure that won't happen again. That was the first time I even let somebody stay in my bed overnight with my daughters living home. I was completely out of character! They are 20&22.

I'm reading tonight! Codependent no more! Chapter 1.

Rifka

[NYMike]

Thanks for sharing, Rifka. You sound like a genuinely kind and compassionate person.

I think your approach to life is how we're supposed to live, and I wouldn't suggest that you do it any other way. you sound like a generous soul who is happy to extend your generous spirit to other souls walking on this planet at the same time. That's a really admirable and not particularly common trait, at least in my experience.

Maybe you just need to work on having a little more objectivity. I don't know much about your past, but it sounds like really this approach to life has mostly worked out for you, except for your ex. Sounds like you've helped your cousin before, but while he seems to have some challenges, or not the best luck, from what you've shared, it sounds like he's been appreciative and not abused your hospitality or taken advantage of you. I still think it's healthy to have clearly stated boundaries, if for no other reason that to prevent bad feelings -- particularly when you're helping friends or relatives. In my case, for example, I've been fortunate to be able to help out some friends who ran into some financial difficulty. I had the money, it wasn't all that much in the grand scheme, and when I made the decision to offer my help, I also did it with no expectation of being paid back -- it was a gift. I offered it, and they were free to choose to accept it, or deny it -- but I wasn't going to hold them accountable for how they ended up using it, and I have no expectation of being repaid. If that were to happen, I might accept it, or I still might say forget it -- though knowing my friends, they probably wouldn't let me say no. Either way, I was happy to help them.

I'm not real familiar with your back story -- how long were you seeing your ex before he moved in? If it was pretty fast (as these BPD attachments can tend to be), maybe that's the kind of thing to be wary of -- particularly if it's someone you don't know very well, or a new romantic interest. Just some thoughts.

(And -- no apology necessary on the thread-drift! You did a great job of re-focusing the discussion.)

Thanks, no my cousin doesn't take advantage at all. He does have bad luck, mostly caused by himself, but I love him for him!

Money I have lent people and been burned years ago, so I learned my lesson a very long time ago. I also don't lend anymore. If I give its a non conditional gift!

I agree with you, if you have it, why not! I was helped with no conditions and as a complete gift when I had hard times. When I was a new mom my then husband had lost his job, we just bought a house and the heater went. I was gifted money and used it to get a new heater so we didn't freeze. I believe in paying things forward!

My ex did try to move in very quickly. It started as a one night thing and before long it was everynight. I have to admit that I did love him in my bed, but I will not be sucker punched again by a freeloader. Totally my fault that I didnt make him leave sooner!

I know for sure that won't happen again. That was the first time I even let somebody stay in my bed overnight with my daughters living home. I was completely out of character! They are 20&22.

I'm reading tonight! Codependent no more! Chapter 1.

Rifka

That is my 2015 goal.I am not going to lend one dime to no one.If I give money it will be a gift to charity.

I did the same thing.I let this woman move into my home after building this home and making it my sanctuary.I lived 3 years and worked on Mike.Not one woman stayed overnight and BAM I fell into my rescue role.She cryed on my shoulder and I said ok,come on in honey.I made so many mistakes along the way by not reading her resume.

I allowed her to sucker punch me and I too struggle with sleeping alone again.We did have a great sex life and cuddling was wonderful.Little did I no at the time,I was just an opportunity and stepping stone.I was a temporary stop.

I may have to get the book Co-Dependent no more!

DON'T EVER FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO ONLY SEE'S YOU AS AN OPTION

[jhkbuzz]

There is a pattern in my life of picking woman like my mother and trying to save them.In turn every woman I have been involved with and tried to ''gaurd'' went back to abusive men,drugs and alcohol.They abandon me and go back to the abuse.Wierd that this is what my mother did time and time again.

This is actually a pretty common phenomenon - you are trying to gain 'mastery' of what you couldn't control when you were a little boy.  It's a constant replay in your adult life, with the subconscious hope that, this time, you will be able to fix what the little boy couldn't - nor should have ever been expected - to fix.