What the heck? I am so sorry that happened! Congrats on becoming a mum, in any case, but just what the heckffff. What was her explanation/justification (if one ever came) for how she responded?
Thank you! She just said she was shocked and confused. Not sure how that makes sense.
How did she try and sabotage the birth?
On the day of the birth I hadn't slept or eaten for over 24 hours and we were looking at a long and complicated labour. I was in bad shape and nurses were concerned I wouldn't have the energy to push, which is one of the most common risks. After several hours I had an epidural and was told to sleep so I could get some energy for show time. My husb explained all of this to my mother, told her he would keep her informed at every stage, and that she could see me after I'd slept. She came right to the hospital, lied to staff about who she was and told them she had an emergency and had to speak to me that minute. She came in and expected to be entertained. It was like I wasn't in the hospital in labour . We told her I had to sleep, she stormed off in a huff, and I had to proceed knowing my mother was angry at me. Of course, I didn't get a wink of sleep after that, which meant that I would be going into labour with the strength of a wet noodle. It was a super traumatic day and we ended up having to get an emergency c-section.
A few hours after the surgery I was trying to get a little rest with the baby. Mom called reception in a panic. She had an emergency and they had to wake me up immediately to contact her. They told me she was frantic. I called her but she didn't answer her phone! We sat there worrying about what could be more serious than major abdominal surgery and the birth of a child.
She showed up a few hours later in full drama mode. She'd broken up with her boyfriend and the world was coming to an end. Instead of resting or rejoicing in our first moments with our child, we had to listen to her go on about all the weird reasons she decided to break up that day. They were strange reasons indeed (he loved his children more than he loved her, he didn't take her out to restaurants enough, etc.) Her drama had taken up the entire day.
As you might guess, this seemed to only be a fake break up. We're not sure if the whole thing was just a story. She "patched things up" with her boyfriend that night.
All I know is that the birth of my child was one of the most mentally and physically difficult things I've ever had to do. We had put so much into trying to prevent things from going wrong and my mother just flew in there and created instant chaos. If we have a second, we will have to wait until after the birth to let her know. I hate that she'll be angry but, evidently, she'll be angry either way.
How does your husband deal with her?
He avoids dealing with her as much as possible. Sometimes she tries to triangulate with him and he will not participate. He tries not to interact with her when I'm not around. He gives me a lot of support and validation after we observe an episode together. It's been therapeutic having someone there who sees what's going on and doesn't mind talking about it. Also, because of past experience, I don't allow any negative talk from my mother about him.
How is your spouse managing in the situation? Does she have any experience with PDs?
How much time do you spend with her?
We see her about once or twice a month and we try to make sure there are lots of boundaries to minimize our stress (ex: that it's easy to leave and we leave if we're uncomfortable, that visits are short, that we're not visiting past nap/bedtime or otherwise sabotaging the baby's wellbeing etc.)
Re: boundaries, I am really trying to enforce one boundary at the moment. My dad is working away from home, and she is staying with him but doesn't like the house (which certainly doesn't come up to her very very exacting standards of hygiene and cleanliness, but which I managed to arrange for them to stay in for free, via a friend). I feel that the onus is on me to have her to stay,
Wow! You arranged for them to live in a house for free? You are a miracle worker! That is amazing and way above and beyond what you need to do for your parents. Do you think the parent/child roles might be a little reversed and that you're finding yourself responsible for them in ways that maybe parents are responsible for their children?
What's worse is that even though you've done something extraordinary for them, your mother is unhappy and demanding more?
You feel the onus is on you... .once again, I'm wondering if this is because of being made parent to your parents. Your mom is a grown ass woman who doesn't even have to be responsible for her own living arrangements. Her busy daughter is doing it for her. The least she can do is take the tiny bit of responsibility of staying in the place you've arranged for her.
but
1) I have 2 job interviews in the next 2 weeks (the remaining time away) & need time to prepare; I am then going away on a trip, so everything's getting quite tight.
2) I can't commit (explicitly or implicitly) to having her to stay every time my dad works away
3) I resent having to substitute for my dad's absence
4) When she's around, the household revolves around her, invariably.
1. You need to set some time aside to prepare for your interviews. Make it clear you won't be engaging with her during that time (tell her you won't be answering the door or your phone to anyone if necessary), and promise yourself and your future little family that you will stick to it. Your parents HAD their time. They had their youth, they had their kids, they've lived their lives. Now it's time for YOU!
2. You can't and you shouldn't have to commit to having her stay with you. She's imposing, you have a spouse, it's inappropriate, and I hope the time comes that you can sleep comfortably knowing you've already gone way above and beyond for your parents. She's an adult and fully capable of making her own home. You've given her lots to work with.
3. There's a lot about this in books... .about PD parents making their children their substitute partners. I can relate to this. It's inappropriate and it's not your job. As an adult she can and should seek the support and connection she needs from her partner and/or friends. Also, you have your own responsibilities toward your own partner. It's much better for you if you can save your relationship energy for her
4. Ugh... .I hear you... it's like emotional vampirism. My mother is the same and I'm telling you... .once we had our child it became a lot more difficult to tolerate. Trying to meet the intense needs of the baby while meeting my mother's intense needs for attention would leave us absolutely exhausted. We would burn right out. Now is a good time to start nipping this in the bud!
Urgh. But I feel like I'm being really cruel.
You're obviously a very sweet and empathic person.
I think I grew up thinking my mom is a victim and needs taking care of. Maybe your mom has trained you to think this way about her too? In moments of weakness I try to remind myself that she's an adult and my parent and what she's asking from me is the care she doesn't even provide her own daughter. There may come a point when you're a new mom and you'll find you need all of your energy for your actual child and your spouse. You'll see the contrast between the helpless baby in your arms and the capable adult woman your mother is and you just won't be able to take care for her in that way anymore.
Good luck in your job interviews and have a fantastic and
restful vacation!
