I Need A Bit of Help

[toomanydogs]

I need some advice. First a bit of background.

I'm in my 60s, H is in his 40s. H has been diagnosed as having a form of schizophrenia with a PD not otherwise specified, primarily with elements from BPD and NPD.

He lives on a generous trust fund, and since I have been with him, I have been dependent on his money, which is controlled by his father.

Consistent delusions my H has: he made billions, and his father stole them; I have stolen the monthly stipend to fritter away. Two things that make these delusions believable to people who first meet H or who follow him on social media: 1) H wrote a paper when he was in college regarding shopping from a computer. For those who don't understand internet protocol, H can sound convincing, and if he indeed were owed a royalty for everyone who shops on the Net, he'd be worth billions.

2) We receive a monthly stipend into a joint account so bills can be paid, because H can blow through money and did so about 8 years ago, I move the bulk of that money to my individual account. In addition, until recently I moved a portion of the joint to H's individual account. Now, because I requested it, FIL transfers monthly money with the bulk to the joint and a very generous amount to H. The money H gets per month, from which he has no bills except a recent platinum AMEX he just received, is more generous than anything I lived on before I met him. Let's put it this way, his "play" money rivals that of a rock star's child. He is not responsible for utilities, food, gas, anything.

I have no reasonable expectation to privacy when it comes to communicating with my H. He forwards any email that I may write to his P. I have stopped writing anything of meaning to him.

We had a good day on Friday. Went out in the rain to a park. He was like a 5 year old, very excited to be running out in the rain. I was more like a 60 something. Happy for him, not so keen on being in the rain, but I truly was happy we were enjoying each other's company.

When we left (and this gives you some indication of how his brain works and why it is so exhausting to be with him at times), I was trying to cross the side street to a major intersection. Street I was trying to cross was a secondary street, little traffic, but H wanted to cross at the light, which I had no problem with. When we got to the corner, the busy street had the green light, the secondary street had the red.

I started to cross, even though the "Walk" light was not lit. H got really angry with me. I started to explain that if oncoming traffic had red, I was safe. Then H said, if we were going to fight, he was done. So I hit the "Walk" light, which then lit up and told him I'd meet him at a fast food place.

I believe he didn't understand that sometimes to get the walk light you need to hit the button.

Here's where I need a bit of help. Since about May, H has been disappearing periodically. He drives off, doesn't tell me he's left, doesn't tell me he's gone or when he's coming back. I have asked him not to do that because I get worried. His P's position is that if he texts her that he's safe then I should be okay and not worry.

Here's part of my worry: Should he get into a car accident somewhere, I wouldn't know. Should he leave the country, I wouldn't know.

I don't know how to live like this.

Making the issue more pressing for me is that I have a prenup, which states that there will be no family allowance and that we both admit we are self-supporting. A few years ago, I mentioned this to my FIL, the trustee of the trust, and said that it would make more financial sense to divorce my H than to stay with him until the end of his life. His trust prohibits him from making a will. I don't even know if he has life insurance.

Making the issue nearly intolerable, is the only person from H's side of the family that I have any contact with is his father. His father says all the right things and when I talk with him, I feel reassured. However, his father doesn't do the right things: he doesn't return phone calls; he hasn't moved forward regarding the prenup; and he doesn't handle the chaos out here well, which is why I suppose he returns phone calls sporadically.

One of the things that goes through my mind on days and nights that my H has disappeared is that I don't even know how to let his family know if my H dies. Do I email them? Leave a voicemail? Call FIL's admin assistant?

Where I am right now--and here's where I need input and it is what I'll discuss with my coach later today--is I am about to write a letter to P, FIL, H, H's therapist, and my coach explaining from my perspective how things are going with first an acknowledgement that my marriage to H has never been your average marriage, and it has certain qualities that require a cohesive team approach to keep it viable.

I am going to let everyone know that H has asked for a divorce on more than one occasion in the past few months and has repeatedly told me that he is moving out.

I am going to then acknowledge that remaining married to someone who doesn't want to be with me is not what I want; however, I don't believe a divorce is in anyone's best interest, and I am going to suggest that to remain married, H and I need marriage counseling with his T--something I have been requesting for at least 3 years.

I am also going to acknowledge that the stress of not knowing where H is, when he doesn't answer phone calls or texts, combined with my not being able to contact FIL and not knowing what will happen to me should H be in an accident, makes my life damn near intolerable.

I will also explain the reason I am reaching out to everyone as opposed to H alone is that H has refused my request to discuss our relationship and what he wants, whether he wants to stay in the marriage or leave.

Before I send the letter, I will check this with my coach. She has tried to get me to focus on jumpstarting my own life, and I have been writing, which is good, and I have been going out with friends and family, also good.

I've been doing a lot of soul searching, and when I pull back and look at what is going on--the level of disrespect that I feel from both H and FIL--I have to ask just exactly what am I getting here.

Thanks for any advice.

[toomanydogs]

I talked with my coach. Have much more clarity. I no longer need help.

Have a great day, everyone!