Nearly 3 years - is there any hope for me?

[soar]

In september it will be 3 years since my BPD ex and I split. She cut me off, brutally, it was awful.

I only heard about BPD 1 month ago so you can imagine how my life has been the last few years - confusion and pain.

This week has been 1 of the worst in a long, long time. I think it's really hitting home just how abused I was and how vulnerable I was without even knowing it. I actually feel dirty myself, it's an awful, awful feeling.

I'm really frightened atm because I feel so deeply scarred. I've lost all my confidence, I'm not the old me, I'm worried I don't smile enough, don't laugh enough, worried I won't find someone in this awful state...

I take my thoughts with me everywhere I go and they scare me. I think I have PTSD but I'm only just figuring this out myself. I feel let down by my doctors, counsellors (who never mentioned BPD) and the police. How can my ex go on without anyone really knowing how evil she really is?

Is there any chance I can get better because at the moment I feel permentantly scarred and like I'm living in a nightmare?

[myself]

Is it possible to see a different/better therapist?

There's not much if anything you can do about your ex's life.

But if you keep working on yours, you'll definitely get through this.

[Popcorn71]

It's two years for me.  I understand how you feel.  I am going through a bad patch at the moment.  It really gets to me that my exBPDh and the replacement seem to have such a happy life at the moment.  It seems to be so unfair as we could have had that life if he hadn't been abusive and had put in the effort that he is putting in with her.

However, I also know that my life is better now than it was when I was with him.  It is much more calm and on the whole, happier.  That is mostly due to me making a massive effort to create a better life.  Much of the time, I didn't feel like putting in the effort but forced myself.  When I started to reap the benefits, my confidence grew and I began to feel a bit better.  Life is by no means perfect, but I just keep reminding myself that I will get out what I put in.

Try to find things you enjoy doing.  Live life to please yourself.  It is hard when your confidence has been knocked so hard, but gradually you will begin to see your own worth again.  The more you do, the more you will find out that you are a capable and worthwhile person.  You just need to get to know yourself again.  If you are anything like I was, I got very lost and became a totally different person in that relationship.  Become 'you' again and things will get better.  It just takes time and effort.

[soar]

Is it possible to see a different/better therapist?

There's not much if anything you can do about your ex's life.

But if you keep working on yours, you'll definitely get through this.

I'm trying to find a therepist who can help me with things I really struggle with. I have constant thoughts about my ex and its brings me a horrible feeling in my chest/stomach. I'm not sure if it's PTSD...

[soar]

It's two years for me.  I understand how you feel.  I am going through a bad patch at the moment.  It really gets to me that my exBPDh and the replacement seem to have such a happy life at the moment.  It seems to be so unfair as we could have had that life if he hadn't been abusive and had put in the effort that he is putting in with her.

I don't see or hear anything of my ex. She cut me off... completely. It's deeply painful.

If my ex did/has found a replacement, I would feel sorry for them because they will end up like me. I want to warn them, I won't lie. I don't think people with BPD should be able to go under the radar in society. They're far too dangerous. I find it very hard to believe that your ex is putting more effort in with your replacement and being happy. It's not possible for pwBPD to do that... .unless they're having treatment?

[cloudten]

Omg I feel so deeply for you... .petrified actually. I am so sorry for everything you are going thru. I understand how you feel, but do not understand how you have endured it for 3 years.

I definitely had ptsd... .and I think I am going thru it again this second time (we had a major recycle where my ptsd was miraculously relieved... .it was nice but of course there were other issues that gave me other anxieties).

I agree... .I do not think that a pwBPD is capable of giving the next person more than what they gave you. Its sad really. If it appears happy, it may actually be the opposite of what you think. They are probably not that close... which means the BPD symptoms are probably better. My reasoning is (and my therapist also said this) is that the more intimate the relationship becomes, the more volatile and the worse the symptoms of BPD get. I believe it. So, they may appear happy... .but if he hasn't put in intensive therapy work, I doubt he is giving her anything more/better than what he gave you.

It does sound like you may need a different therapist and/or a group therapy or AL anon to supplement. I know that everything hurts so deeply... .I am right there with you tonight ... .but I would think (and hope) that it would be better 3 years later... .but I am not an expert...

I could be way off base.

[letmeout]

Does the relief from no longer being abused by that person anymore provide any comfort at all? Concentrate on gratitude for the present rather than obsessing about the past. Its a habit that you can develop and it will become second nature.

[soar]

Does the relief from no longer being abused by that person anymore provide any comfort at all? Concentrate on gratitude for the present rather than obsessing about the past. Its a habit that you can develop and it will become second nature.

I think there is some comfort there but i suppose it's so difficult because she's still affecting my life. I feel rotten atm as if she's infected my brain... .hopefully i can get better with the right therepy. I think I'm struggling particularly badly because I didn't even know she had BPD for years, I'd never even heard of it. So I was obsessing about what the heck happened for so long... .it's enough to drive you insane.

[Popcorn71]

The obsessing is enough to drive you insane.  All the unanswered questions.  Maybe now you know about BPD it will help you work out what happened.  I found reading other people's stories to be very helpful.  I will never get the truth or an explanation from my ex, but bit by bit I am putting together my own explanation.  I think that eventually it will be enough.  As time passes I feel better about myself and life in general, but sometimes it does feel like one step forwards, two steps back.  I just look forward to a day when he doesn't enter my mind at all.  I am sure that day will come for all of us at some point.  We just have to be patient.

[Heldfast]

Soar, not to sound glib, but get reading. Here, other writings online, and a number of books (Stop Walking On Eggshells, The Mastery of Love, Malignant Narcissism, etc were all very helpful) that can focus you on what you were dealing with and who you are. As for the rest, it is to you to help you, don't look past that. But you can. It is a wide world of opportunities, for your mind, your body and your soul. Take up a mental challenge, take up physical ones, work on yourself by pursuing things you are passionate about so that you look in the mirror and spend more time questioning what's ahead, from the healthy perspective of someone ready and willing to engage in new things, and less time looking behind at what's gone. Good luck to you, and let us know when you need more.

[soar]

Thanks for your responses guys.

I would say that knowing about BPD has enabled me to make sense of what happened. I can't say I've ever even been close to a day when my ex hasn't entered my mind, it scares the living hell out of me.

I have been reading a hell of a lot online to the point where I need to stop. Ive read one book - the journey from abandonment. It was good. I am going to buy a CBT book as well.

The thing that's ripping me apart inside atm is how let down I feel by people.

1. The police - they sided with a manipulative psycho against me... .how can i accept that? It's frightening.

2. The counsellor I saw for a long time and she never mentioned BPD. How?

[rotiroti]

You'll see it time and time again, stories where the police have sided on the side of the pwBPD. It's also gender biased as well when thinking about abuse calls, it's just how things are.

As for your counselor, he or she probably thought the diagnosis was not important. BPD or not, wasn't your partner abusive?

[soar]

You'll see it time and time again, stories where the police have sided on the side of the pwBPD. It's also gender biased as well when thinking about abuse calls, it's just how things are.

As for your counselor, he or she probably thought the diagnosis was not important. BPD or not, wasn't your partner abusive?

How could it not be important though? It answers every question I've ever had... .it could of stop my constant ruminating for the past 2.5 years. Yeah my partner was very emotionally abusive. She is just a disturbed human being.

[Davef]

Its two and a half years since my BPDex ex wife and I split. I was still living in "hope" that she might change and still was of the belief that if I worked harder she might wake up and love me. The fact is she will not!. I recently found out that she has been sleeping with another female friend who is complete predator. I'm completely distraught, disgusted and even repulsed by her now. She continues to go on thinking that she has done nothing wrong.  I have given up all hope now and I'm totally lost. However one contributor said that you must give up all hope in order to heal. I know it is going to be hard now and probably harder but I will hopefully reach a place where she can not hurt me, and somewhere where I can look down on her in pity.  My confidence is shot as is yours but you have to surround yourself with people who love you and above all else who know who you truly are.

[soar]

Its two and a half years since my BPDex ex wife and I split. I was still living in "hope" that she might change and still was of the belief that if I worked harder she might wake up and love me. The fact is she will not!. I recently found out that she has been sleeping with another female friend who is complete predator. I'm completely distraught, disgusted and even repulsed by her now. She continues to go on thinking that she has done nothing wrong.  I have given up all hope now and I'm totally lost. However one contributor said that you must give up all hope in order to heal. I know it is going to be hard now and probably harder but I will hopefully reach a place where she can not hurt me, and somewhere where I can look down on her in pity.  My confidence is shot as is yours but you have to surround yourself with people who love you and above all else who know who you truly are.

This is actually really, really important for me at the moment. Honestly, before last week I always had some form of love for my ex, i.e. the 'hope' you talk about. It's been nearly 3 years!

The reason things have changed is simply because I spoke to one of my ex's friends (sue) about my ex, I was pleased that she opened up to me, no one had previously. I felt hated by all my ex's friends. The same night Sue spoke to another one of my ex's friends (sarah) for 5 mins and then refused to speak to me afterwards. I messaged sue online asking what happened and she said that sarah said 'there are some things that you don't know about and you're being disloyal speaking to him'.

That did it for me. The amount of pain and disrespect my ex has shown towards me suddenly hit me. The feelings of this sweet, innocent girl being underneath her cold exterior starts to evaporate. You'll know this already but I did absolutely everything to make this girl feel special, everything. For her to put me through absolute hell and tell such lies about me that friends won't even speak to me 3 years later, that's just disgraceful and as you said I am repulsed by her now. I feel used and abused and like a complete idiot for believing all her manipulative crap. I never want to be associated with her.

I'm hoping that I'll look back on this day sometime as an important turning point. I'm starting to realise that my obcessive thoughts about my ex are a big issue. If CBT can help me manage those I will be very happy.