Dumped/abandoned by the love of my life [Part 2]

[pjstock42]

I really apologize if this topic is becoming my personal diary of sob stories but all of the supportive replies have truly been helping me through this so I'd like to keep it going.

Mod Note- See also:
Part 3
Part 2
Part 1

[Wize]

We're all here to share our sob stories, that's the entire purpose of these boards.  To share, express, learn, heal and get strong.  I hope you keep us updated with how you're doing.  Personally, I'm in the angry, sad, hurt, nauseous, zombie phase of my healing.  I'm trying to wrap my brain and heart around what's happening to me.  What I'm going through is terribly confusing.  I've read your posts and I relate to the approach of trying to analyze and understand every facet of the situation.  But that honestly doesn't solve the problem of heartbreak. 

Keep posting.

[pjstock42]

I'm trying to wrap my brain and heart around what's happening to me.  What I'm going through is terribly confusing.  I've read your posts and I relate to the approach of trying to analyze and understand every facet of the situation.

Thank you for your interest in keeping up with what I'm going through. Even though I am only a week out from the sudden discard happening, I feel like I'm in the same phase as you right now. I feel hurt, nauseous, unable to do things that I want to do in my normal life and unable to focus on work or hobbies. The words zombie is a perfect description of how I feel right now, basically I have to choose between being an emotional mess or just being numb to everything. I hope you're doing well and getting better every day.

[Wize]

You have an amazing advantage that I don't have.  You don't have to interact with your ex and deal with her drama ever again.  I do, unfortunately.  And it's slowed down and sometimes halted my healing.  Having to interact with her sends me spinning and it's makes me feel dirty.  She's a sick person and she makes me feel sick.  Please take full advantage of your opportunity for total NC.  If you adhere to it strictly, you will heal and move on.  She's a nasty drug that you need to get out of your system.  Go through your withdrawals and then don't go back.

[pjstock42]

You don't have to interact with your ex and deal with her drama ever again.  I do, unfortunately.  And it's slowed down and sometimes halted my healing.  

I'm sorry that you have to have such constant contact because of other responsibilities, that truly must make things worse.

One thing I didn't mention and I'm now realizing is that she had a very clear jab in her last email about how I am still reliant on her for something.

Besides having to pay 100% of the rent for August which I wasn't anticipating, she pointed out the fact that the security deposit should be going back to her 100% because the check came from her, which is true because I gave her cash for my half. She explicitly said that it should all come back to her and then she would give me my portion but I highly doubt that this would happen and it is most likely not even worth pursuing because I would have to interact with her at length to sort this out.

Right now I'm stuck between writing this lengthy email to her and ending it by saying I won't even be interested in coming after my half of the security deposit and just getting all of this off my chest now or just sticking with no contact and facing that when the time comes. I really don't know what to do, it's already clear from how she's speaking to me that explaining all of my emotional pain to her will get me nowhere and perhaps even give her more satisfaction about what she's done and the control she has over me. I also just want to convey all of this stuff to get it out of my head despite knowing that it won't accomplish anything.

[pjstock42]

I'm really obsessing over this now but I so strongly want to write this email just to give myself my own closure. I would preface this by saying that I know this won't change anything but that I just need to get it off my chest and I would definitely not say anything about her disorder or how I've done any research on it. If I were to send this to provide closure to myself and go back to strictly no contact immediately after by closing all of the loose ends regarding the apartment in this message, would this be a good idea? I know there is no easy answer on this but I want to make sure this is really a good idea before I do it or if I should just drop the idea altogether.

[drained1996]

You may find it helpful to write it out and share it here first.  You will not only get feedback on the email content itself, but opinions on whether or not you should actually send the final draft.
I can relate to your needing closure, the last 2 years I have done various things to try to gain what I felt I needed to be able to move forward.  I sent a few emails, we spoke at length a few times.  There was really nothing she could give me.  The only thing they give freely is pain and drama.  Closure in my mind and heart was given by the only one who could really give that... .which was me.   
When I asked myself "why would you want to be with someone you know is incapable of having a healthy adult relationship?"  That question had always been in my mind since her diagnosis about 4 years ago and I asked it to myself for a long time... .only to be pulled and give her the benefit of the doubt that she could become a better person. 
Until my process transitioned from me focusing on her/us and giving that my all, to me... .I was stuck.  Finally the answer to that question for me was "I don't"
There are lots of similarities in all the stories I've read, there are also many things that are dissimilar in the way things transpired for each of us who have been down this path.
The one main thing that is ALWAYS the case in each and every one of our stories is that BPD is a serious mental illness.  Our exBPD's can be monsters, or they can be wonderful people.  They are simply emotionally incapable of giving us what we deserve... .true love.  That's my closure... .because that's what we all deserve.

[drained1996]

Oh yeah... .I forgot, they also give blame freely, because somehow everything was my fault.   

[pjstock42]

You may find it helpful to write it out and share it here first.  You will not only get feedback on the email content itself, but opinions on whether or not you should actually send the final draft.

I would love to do this but I just wrote it out and this thing is LONG, I'm not sure if anyone would want to read through it but it would mean a lot to me and I'd like to scrub personal details from it and post it here for review if people would be willing to lend an eye to it.

[drained1996]

It will be read, I see no need to hide anything but names.  May want to start it under a new thread name though.  You're doing well PJ, don't forget to slow down and feel your feelings. 

[pjstock42]

The email ended up being a bit too personal to post here but thank you to those who volunteered their time and energy to help me with that.

I felt so much better after writing it and I then had 2 close friends look it over along with talking through the idea with my mom.

I ended up sending it shortly after, I definitely felt some kind of release even if it is just some closure in my head but I definitely think it was a good experience.

The letter was written in a very heartfelt and non-threatening manner. I never mentioned her condition, how I think she screwed me over or even how I thought she did anything wrong. I told her that the time I spent with her was the happiest time of my life and also said in the beginning that I am not expecting a response or reaction as this was only an activity to help my healing process and nothing more.

I ended the letter by saying that I don't have it in me to ever be in contact with her again in any manner so even though I broke NC with this email, I set that precedent clearly and put it out in the open through this. I really didn't want it to look as though I was being petty and ignoring her, so typing this out and explaining why I had to do it made me feel better.

Even though I poured my heart out into this letter, I don't think it will change anything in her mind but what I've realized is that that's ok. I can't change this person, I can't make things go back to the way they were and I know that. I also said in the letter that regardless of if she thinks it's warranted or not, that I forgive her for what happened. I knew in my head that I didn't want to go through life having this disdain and resentment for a person so I needed to put that to rest to allow me to fully move on and become a better person.

Anyway, I'm feeling better today but who knows how long that will last for, thank you again to everyone who has followed along with my story and posted advice / supportive comments.

[rfriesen]

Anyway, I'm feeling better today but who knows how long that will last for ... .

PJ, that's wonderful. It sounds like you put a lot of thought into the letter and into the decision whether to send it. Also a great idea to talk it over with family and friends you trust, to give you that extra confidence and sense of grounding in your decision.

Also very helpful that you're prepared for the possibility that the good feeling you're having now might be interrupted by more pain. As other people here have stressed, there's just no way of knowing how long a healing process each of us requires after traumatic break-ups of the kind we've all experienced. It's hard not to be blind-sided by pain and anxiety at various points in the process, but at least you're aware those feelings have a way of returning in waves, and it will all just take however long it takes.

I wrote many long emails to my ex as things were falling apart. In her case, she would sometimes respond with love and understanding *IF* I had expressed anything like desperate longing or missing her or the hurt. I think she intuitively sensed she could still control/manipulate me if I was in that place. I'm not saying deliberately evil, just that she could sense she still had her hooks in me and that probably made her feel safer expressing whatever love and care she still felt for me. But when my emails became more "wrap-up" style or trying to leave things on some kind of positive (or at least peaceful) note, that was when she could turn cold and cruel and seem to want to hurt me again on the way out. I found it incredibly difficult leaving things on hard, cold terms, but in the end what good was it doing anyone to keep struggling for the peaceful ending she didn't want and that was exhausting me trying to reach.

Not sure how much of my ex's behaviour in this respect is relevant to your situation, but I thought I'd share some of what I came to expect in response to my emails. In any case, you seem to have a firm grasp on your need to move on without contact, so I think you're already headed toward a much happier place. Don't rush the journey, but I do wish you the best along the way, even when it's tough!

[drained1996]

I'm glad to hear sought advise from people close to you on the email matter, and we're all happy you're feeling better today.

Have you given any thought to what you are going to do if she replies? 
Do you plan on reading her email if she does?
How will you be affected if she does not reply?

[pjstock42]

I'm ashamed and embarrassed to post this but things have gone a bit sideways as a result ofd the email.

I felt very good about what I said and was feeling so much better this morning about getting that off of my chest, that was until I got a response.

Instead of the cold and callous nature that I have been seeing from her in discussions about the apartment, she responded in an incredibly heartfelt way and apologized for a slew of different things. It reminded me so much of talking to her when I was with her and how happy it made me, so stupidly - I responded.

My response was slightly off the rails in regards to my first email, rather than being straightforward and dictatorial, I was overcome by emotions after reading her email and responded similarly. I told her how hard it was to see her talking to me in a loving way, how this caused an immense internal struggle between having the person I love right in front of me but knowing that she is now gone.

She talked about how much she missed me and how hard this is for her, I was really hoping that she would be cold and heartless in her response as this would have made it easier to move on but here I am.

I'm not proud of myself right now, this last email that I sent really serves no purpose other than to stir up powerful feelings and make it look as though I'm trying to get her back.

[drained1996]

PJ,

I've walked more than a mile in your shoes down the same path of emails, talks etc seeking my closure that never was to come that way.  I can empathize almost to a T with how you're feeling right now.  While I understand you feel embarrassed and ashamed, I'll suggest to you to take into account your recent emotional well being... .which has been a bit FOG like.  This in and of itself will lend to your emotions overtaking your logic in reaction, and that's nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed for given the circumstances.  
I'm not near as educated on the lessons of this site as many more senior than myself... .but I'm going to offer a suggestion.  
Take a deep breath and slow down.  Just my personal observation has been your pace of detachment seems to be exceeding the pace YOU may need for your own process.  It appears you want to be over it as quick as possible, but we simply cannot fix everything without time, and this my friend will take time.
I'll venture to say that ALL of us made many mistakes in our journey guided by emotion... .going too fast... .going too slow... .the list could go on.  
Try not to get frustrated with yourself or expect yourself to be perfect in your journey to recovery, as that simply will not be possible.  
My journey, is and has been the most difficult event I've had to deal with in my life as it is for many here... .as it is for you.  
I applaud your knowledge on BPD, and things you have realized already that took many of us so long to see.  
Slow down and feel your feelings and understand them.
We feel your pain... .
Do you plan on reinstituting NC for your own protection?

[pjstock42]

I'm going to offer a suggestion. Take a deep breath and slow down.  Just my personal observation has been your pace of detachment seems to be exceeding the pace YOU may need for your own process.  It appears you want to be over it as quick as possible, but we simply cannot fix everything without time, and this my friend will take time.

You are totally right about wanting to move past this as quickly as I can and I suppose that is just human nature to want to end emotional suffering as soon as possible.

I had my friends look at my response email and they said that nothing about it was shameful or embarrassing so this made me feel a bit better. In reality, all I am looking for at this point is answers as to why this happened. Every other relationship I've been in has had the normal degradation process where the relationship corrodes and eventually one person has to pull the trigger whereas this one there was just a sudden exit when everything was at it's best. My brain still can't understand this so my latest email is mostly just looking for information to understand how this could happen.

When I look introspectively, I put a year and a half of my life into this person, poured everything I had in terms of time / money / emotional energy / commitment etc into them only for it to disappear for no reason. I cannot be OK with myself for putting all of that into something and not at least fighting to understand why it ended when it did, if that makes sense.

Again, you are correct about my pace of detachment. This morning, still only about a week out, I felt so good and as if everything was headed in the right direction. Then I received this email and it made me feel just as bad if not worse than I have at the lowest times of this process.  Every day I hit what I think is rock bottom but then the next day there is a deeper and more painful rock bottom, I hate living like this and I just want have a clear head again.

However; I do need to listen to your words about how this process takes times and is unpredictable. Even though this is something that is very hard for me to accept, I must force myself to do so in the best way that I can figure out how to. A lot of this is due to my inexperience with emotions, not in regards to this specific type of scenario but just in general. I had great parents growing up, I had a great education, great friends etc and even relationships while sometimes trying, always had some kind of logical basis as to why I was feeling a certain way. I've never had my emotions pulled in these extremes before and for all of them to be pulled so emphatically at once, it just makes me feel like I'm having a mental breakdown or something.

Anyway, even if it hurts in it's own way - I think that not receiving a response to this last email may be the best thing for me. Even though I feel better after my friends saying that it was reasonable, I know this person more than they do and there was really nothing constructive that could come from it aside from her providing answers which I doubt will ever happen. I need to calm down and take a breath, I just wish that was as easy as it sounds... .

[drained1996]

What if she indeed does open the door to come back, is that something you're willing to entertain?
If not, and she does reply, do you plan on reading that email?
If you do read the email if one comes, do you plan on responding?
Think on these questions when you find yourself as stable as you can be at this juncture.  Allow your logical mind to use the knowledge you have gained on this severe mental illness guide your choices... .

If let's say you do get an email, and you feel your emotions erupting... .do nothing... .until which time your logical side can reason with your emotional side.  That's me saying take a deep breath and slow down, and try not to make rash emotional decisions.  But don't beat yourself up if you do... .I did countless times.
You have plenty of support here from people who understand this illness.  I may not be saying the exact right things, the exact correct way, I'm simply trying to share what I've learned through my experiences.
Oh yeah... .seek out a therapist... .I suggest you put that as a top priority.  :)o some research and ask friends/family for any referrals.  
It will get better, it just takes time... .

[rfriesen]

If let's say you do get an email, and you feel your emotions erupting... .do nothing... .until which time your logical side can reason with your emotional side.  That's me saying take a deep breath and slow down, and try not to make rash emotional decisions.  But don't beat yourself up if you do... .I did countless times.

This is such great advice from drained1996 that I just want to second it. First, the most significant thing I get from your story so far is that you have done nothing to be ashamed of. You were an open, honest, dependable partner, and even though your trust was horribly betrayed, you haven't lashed out at your ex or done anything that you'll look back on and think, "I feel awful for having done that." It might be cold comfort now, but trust me, some day sooner or later, you'll heal from the wounds that your ex has inflicted on you and you'll feel proud of yourself for having held onto your basic decency and humanity in what is an incredibly trying situation.

I say that because I remember feeling such unbearable anxiety and urgency in the first weeks after the final break-up with my ex (and for a few months prior to that, as in my case, the relationship did have real breakdown phase). I constantly felt like I needed to do something to fix my feelings, fix the situation, fix whatever ... .and that it was crucial that I get it just right. It's by far the worst anxiety I've ever experienced. I know it's hard to grasp this now, but there is nothing you need to do for now. As drained1996 says, take a breath whenever you feel you have to respond or that you need to resolve your emotions. Yes, sometimes you'll respond and then regret it. Ok, lesson learned. And you may have to learn it many times. So be it.

In the state you're in, each misstep might feel like a disaster. I remember the confusion and chaos swirling inside me in those first few weeks. I still have those moments, but after four months I now feeling like I'm finding my feet again and I realise that all those moments that seemed so urgent and loaded with danger ... .they're just a phase you have to go through. Yes, it's brutal as you go through it. And it's horrible feeling like you keep discovering a new rock bottom. But, as much as possible, take a breath and give yourself what perspective you can. In the grand scheme of things, it's no big deal that you made yourself vulnerable to your ex again. I understand how excruciating it can be to feel sucked back in, only to get the cold shoulder or a mystery silent treatment or push/pull. Believe me. But don't beat yourself up. You're going to have to process a lot of emotional chaos now. But it is a guarantee that someday you'll start to recover and you'll see that you're not the one who has anything to be embarrassed about in this situation. You're not the one who acted unreasonably. You were dealt an awful hand and, naturally, you're hurting and wondering what the hell happened.

When you eventually start to regain your footing you'll see that your ex is the one who acted horribly, is the one who should be ashamed, and is probably struggling very hard to suppress her shame, block it out, project it on others, etc. Nobody who acts as she has can truly have inner peace. Imagine inflicting that kind of pain on someone you loved so much and trying to move on as though nothing happened. It must be a horrible inner battle for your ex. But you need to focus on yourself for now and, when you start to recover, you'll see that you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. At that point, you might even find compassion for your ex and her own inner struggles. But you just can't rush that. Right now you need to give all the compassion you have to yourself, to process all the pain and confusion.

Really, just the fact that you can be so open and honest with yourself (and the rest of us here) about the pain and disorientation you're experiencing ... .a great sign that you'll make it through this process a stronger, more aware person. It will just take time and what might feel - for now - like horrible setbacks along the way.

[pjstock42]

Thank you for this post, it definitely helped to ease my mind a bit last night while it was racing around at a million miles per hour.

She ended up replying to my second, more emotionally charged email but in a bit of an odd way. She said something along the lines of "I wanted you to know that I will send a full response to this but it won't be this weekend as I need to calm down, I just didn't want you to be sitting around waiting for a response all weekend." So again, being nice, sweet and caring despite everything she is putting me through right now. I almost feel as though I'm being strung along but for nothing. All I am looking for are answers so that I can at some point put this to rest in my head and learn from it.

[pjstock42]

This is a bit random but I wanted to share some thoughts based on some more research that I've done this morning.

I've been reading up on the process of 'triangulation' and, like many other things that I've studied, this one hit incredibly close to home and I could immediately apply it to my experiences with her.

Again, back to the sister who is clearly a huge influence in here life. Back when we had only been together for a few months, she used to incessantly complain to me about her sister. How she was so domineering, so controlling, inconsiderate and moody etc. She would go on rants almost daily about this person who I had never met and of course I always took her side and comforted her as I cared about her and trusted that the information being presented to me was truthful.

Well clearly, somewhere along the line, the script was flipped and she began doing the same thing in regards to me but talking to her sister about it. I've met her sister once for about an hour, I don't know this person on an interpersonal level at all. This person's entire image of who I am, what I've done and what my values are, all comes directly from whatever portrayal my ex decided to make of me. Due to the constant lying, I can only imagine the terrible things that my ex has said to her sister about me and what kind of person her sister thinks I am. The fact that she flew entirely to the other side of the earth to help her move out while I was gone, I honestly wouldn't be surprised if I was played up to be some kind of physically abusive person or something. When the lies are so extravagant and conniving, I will never know what was said about me and how this convinced my ex to basically use her sister as an ally in some fabricated situation.

Anyway, it seems like every day I read some new piece of research or new personal account and I cannot believe how remarkably similar it is in regards to what I just went through. In a perfect world, there wouldn't be a bunch of eerily similar personal accounts about this stuff because I don't believe that any human being deserves to be put through this. However; in the real world where this kind of stuff unfortunately happens, I always gain a bit more sanity and insight into my situation when I see that others have experienced such similar occurrences. I am truly grateful that all of these resources are available to me and I do believe that in time, they will be a big factor in me being able to properly heal from this.

[drained1996]

"I almost feel as though I'm being strung along but for nothing."

Listen to your logical mind.  Some answers may come, but you will have more questions.  You know the foundations of this illness.  And really, what answer can make you feel better about how she has treated you?  Isn't your base trust in her gone?  But I'm guessing you will be incessantly checking your email for a reply as soon as the weekend is over (I know from experience). I know you want closure... .re-read my posts within your thread and you'll find my experience with closure.  I know you want this to end as quick as possible.  Until you make your road to recovery about YOU, in my experience you will be stuck.  Yes, I know that's easier said than done, just pointing out what many of us have found in our journey.  When we made it a priority to protect ourselves from our BPD's our process to recovery began.
I KNOW you want to read that email if it comes... .but is there really a point?
I'm so sorry PJ, nobody should have to experience how we feel.  

[rfriesen]

I almost feel as though I'm being strung along but for nothing. All I am looking for are answers so that I can at some point put this to rest in my head and learn from it.

Oh man, does that ever sound familiar. My ex had a go-to response when I poured my heart out, trying to make sense of things. The situation was a little different because we had a drawn-out breakdown phase and I was the one who finally had to step away. She would rage at me (intense screaming, expressions of hate, sobbing, expressions of undying love ... .) and I tried so hard to pour my heart out and show her that I really did love her and care and that I just couldn't go on, it wasn't healthy for anyone. Then it turned out she had started dating other people a while back and I guess she found one who worked, because suddenly she had no interest in talking and declared her life "great" and everything wonderful.

I wrote to her how many times about how confused and crushed I was. (Yes, I was the one who had stepped back, but I thought we were both invested in this deep emotional pain and connection and trying to figure it all out.) I pleaded for some kind of genuine honest response. Her go-to reply was always, "Hmmm, can I have some time to think about it? I wouldn't want to give you some half-ass answer."

This was after months of her tearing me apart with her rage and pleas and insisting she could never move on. Of course, in hindsight, I was really foolish to take that all at face value, but I had never experienced such a roller coaster relationship before, and was desperate to find a way to fix things. I couldn't just jump back in with things as they were.

Eventually, she said she just could never be bothered to introspect. It was too painful for her. I think that was as much closure as I could hope for. Although she's lied to me a lot, I think that was honest -- she just can't be bothered. It hurt like hell, and still does, knowing that after demanding my heart be laid bare and after her tearing my psyche down, she just doesn't care to do even the slightest in return for me. But I'm just learning to accept it and try to move on without the normal closure at the end of a relationship.

[pjstock42]

I KNOW you want to read that email if it comes... .but is there really a point?

I know exactly what you're saying but if and when this email comes, I know that there will be no way I won't be reading it instantly.

Yes, I want closure but no, I don't expect to get it. What I really want to know is, did I do something that in any way could have caused this to happen? Is there some detestable character trait of mine that I should know about so that I could work on it? I know that nothing she says will justify her actions because no one deserves to be treated like this but if there is some legitimate criticism of me, I would like to know so that I can be cognizant of it and fix it.

If the email is full of lies and false accusations, I will read it, delete it and that will be it.

Anyway, today was actually going pretty well until about 20 minutes ago. Friday night used to be our "date night" we had such an awesome routine and I looked forward to it every week. I had thought about this earlier and was able to work myself through the realization that said routine is over but then I decided to go out on my own to pick up some stuff from the store and grab dinner. Of course, I have to go to the same stores/restaurants that we used to go to together so that in itself is tough. Beyond that, what really got to me today is that I don't like living here, I would have never chosen to live here if it weren't me trying to be the best possible boyfriend and uproot my life to help out the woman who I thought was my life partner. Just having to drive around the same area that I've only known from being with her, go to the same stores etc, it really hurts. It hurts not just because she is gone, but because she left without taking any responsibility or accountability for her actions, meanwhile I am left behind to deal with picking up the pieces, having to be stuck in this area until I find something else, having to deal with the apartment lease etc. I wouldn't have it in me to do this even to some platonic friend or even a common acquaintance, it's such a devastatingly horrible thing to do to anyone, so to do it to someone who you said you loved... .it will just never make sense to me.

One thing I did realize today is that I do feel a bit more emotionally stable. Not better, not happy but stable. Earlier in the week when I had to leave work to go home early, I started the morning so well - I had researched/watched so much stuff and just had this over-inflated sense of positive thinking. Of course that came to a crashing downfall later in the day and I felt at rock bottom again, that highs and lows thing is the worst part of this experience for me especially since I've always been a very emotionally stable person. Today, I feel pretty resentful, somewhat mad at the world which isn't the right mindset to have, but at least my emotions have been overall stable for the day as that I can manage much more easily.

[drained1996]

It's ok to feel resentful... .or mad at the world.  Part of your path.  Feel and heal... .We don't judge you PJ, we feel with and for you. 

[rfriesen]

at least my emotions have been overall stable for the day as that I can manage much more easily.

Stable is obviously crucial. When we're not stable, we flail around seeking some sense of relief and clearly can't make any progress until we move out of that phase. I remember stable initially feeling awful. It gave me some insight into the way my ex cannot stand to be alone, without constant attention and stimulation. I often told my ex how I loved time alone and how much I enjoyed, for instance, a ten-day silent meditation retreat I had done. She told me that made her jealous because she always hated being alone, couldn't cope with it, and had never been single for more than a few days in her adult life. To her credit, she was aware of it and knew it wasn't healthy. She just wasn't ready to do anything about it, or ask what might be behind it.

In any case, when my emotions finally stabilised after our final break-up, I could see what she meant, to some extent. I felt very empty and hollow. At times, I felt truly depressed. Part of me longed to feel the chaotic swirl of emotions again, even if it hurt. But, like you, I also recognised that at least I was feeling stable and that that was healthy. At least I could take a deep breath, survey the metaphorical ruins around me, and accept that I was going to have to rebuild and that it's not going to feel great for a while now.

I'm happy to hear you're feeling stable now. I hope it sticks. But if you find it slips at times, just remember that it'll come back, and eventually take hold. And in the meantime keep taking care of yourself -- eat well, sleep well, exercise, focus the best you can on work and hobbies or interests, being around friends and family. It's not a pleasant time, to say the least. Forcing myself to see it as an opportunity for real growth helped me a lot. It made me think of facing the pain as discipline and hard work that will pay off in the end, and that alone gave me back a sense of power and self-worth, even if it doesn't immediately bring feelings of joy and excitement. It takes time to rebuild after such a shock.

[pjstock42]

Thanks for your continued responses in my topic, I always look forward to seeing what you and others have to say about this stuff.

The stability is difficult but oddly comforting I suppose is how I could explain it? This morning I'm having a hard time falling back into missing her, remembering how happy I was with her here, being reminded of her by everything etc. Just a few days ago, this would have been debilitating for me and I would probably just sit and start crying about it until I could move on with my day whereas now, it's still dominating my thoughts but I'm not having that same extreme emotional reaction which is nice.

One thing I'm trying to do is be cognizant of my thoughts an implement a kind of logical "counter-balance" to all of these emotional feelings that I continue to have. For every time I miss her and wish that I had her back etc., I'm trying to step back and apply the logic of thinking about what a horrible thing she has done to me and how all of this mental anguish that I'm experiencing is a direct result of her lying, her deception and her cold & callous actions. I don't really know if this is working yet because my mind is still running in circles all day thinking about her but hopefully it will make a difference at some point.

I hate what my life has become, I hate that I've allowed this to happen to me even though I had all of the right intentions going into this and thought that I was truly in a place of happiness and contentment. As sick as it sounds, there is already a small part of me thinking about trying to find a girlfriend again, clearly I'm not ready to pursue that right now but it's starting to be something that I think about. There are a few problems with this beyond not being in a good mental state to allow myself to be vulnerable to anyone right now. Firstly, there are these stupid thoughts of "what if I can never find anything as good as what I had?" That one I know sounds stupid because what I "had" was a fabrication and led to the most devastating emotional abuse that I've ever experienced in my life but it's still one of those pieces of self doubt floating in my head. Secondly, I wonder if when I do get to the point of trying to find another relationship, will I be able to be the perfect boyfriend that I tried so hard to be in this last relationship? I mean look where it got me, opening myself up, devoting myself to someone and pouring everything I had into them was what I thought I was supposed to do but it's led me to this incredibly dark place that I never want to be in again. I honestly fear that even if the person is deserving of me pouring my heart out for them, I won't be able to convince myself of it because I'll forever be scarred by what doing so has put me through.

Sorry, I am just rambling again at this point. I hope everyone is having a great weekend.

[rfriesen]

PJ, once again, it's incredible how well you describe feelings and doubts I went through as well. Four months out now, thankfully I can say that I have at least some emotional distance. And thank you for your posts too, because it's been very helpful for me to read and respond as well.

First, it's not sick at all that your mind would turn to thoughts of another girlfriend. You felt you had a wonderful life living with your girlfriend and now you're hurting a lot as you move on alone. I think it's only natural that you would feel some desire to have someone back in your life. The key - which you already seem to have a firm grasp on - is how we respond to our thoughts, feelings, and desires. We have much more control over the actions we take than over our thoughts, feelings, and desires. So don't worry about having "bad" ones or uncomfortable or distracting ones. Focus on how you respond. This is where I really had to put in hard work. Because we've learned to respond in certain ways and it can feel "wrong" and painful to try something new. The most obvious example of a learned response that most people here seem to have in common is how we learned, during our relationships, to reach out to our exes whenever we had something to share -- anything that made us happy, or laugh, or an observation they would get a kick out of, and above all anything that made us feel there was a problem or some pain in the relationship. What so many posters here describe is how their relationship made them feel like the one person who could save their partner, the one person who they could finally count on. So we became incredibly sensitive to their pain or fears in the relationship. When they suddenly seem to flip and push us away, all our instincts have been programmed to reach out and hold them with all that we have ... .of compassion, understanding, need, longing, love, ... .until the pain we suffer ourselves at being discarded adds anger, confusion, misery, etc. to the mix.

Basically, once I realised that my deepest urge -- to reach out and pull my ex back in, to try to fix things in the relationship -- was unhealthy and that I had to work on responding to it differently, it opened up a whole new world to me. I started paying a lot more attention to the kinds of thoughts, feelings, desires I had throughout the day and paying attention to how I respond to them. At first, it was maybe even more disorienting and depressing -- I felt I didn't trust any of my instincts and that I didn't know who I was. Talking to a therapist helped -- it's not something I had ever thought I would do, but if you find a professional who knows how to help at least give some guidance, and who you can trust, it can really help you put some positive steps together. I'm at a stage now where I feel the whole miserable experience has at least opened up the possibility of working on parts of myself that are still stuck in patterns I learned as a kid, or that I want to improve for other reasons. And that's been key to starting to feel self-confidence, self-esteem, and genuine motivation and excitement about life again.

Which brings me to a second point. It's true, you might never love with the same reckless abandon again. You'll come out of this a different person. This was a really hard point for me to accept. It was like mourning part of what it means to be young and to long for that one person to come along who makes me want it all, the whole beautiful life together, with no worries anymore because - as you've described it in other posts - whatever comes along, at least you have that person there. I think what you'll find as you go through this is that you don't have to give up on that. But your thinking about commitment and fulfilment will change. You'll probably come to see that the path to that kind of fulfilment and commitment isn't through the kind of reckless, wild abandon that we first learn to associate with falling in love. Falling in love can still be a wild ride - but I think the kinds of experiences we're all going through here should teach us that longterm trust and commitment and certainty are built over time, through deliberate actions, and that sheer intensity of feeling cannot on its own provide a foundation for trust and commitment.

I mean, I'm only a few months ahead of you in this process, so I don't want to sound like I have all that much wisdom. But I've worked really hard through the pain and observing my patterns of thoughts and responses, and in the last couple of weeks I feel I can start to see a lot of myself more clearly. Time and effort will pay off, I have no doubt.

[drained1996]

One step at a time... .that's what I had to do.  You're just now beginning to stop the bleeding of a very deep wound.  Next you will need to clean it, then you'll have to suture the mess.  Both of those steps hurt too... .but that's how the process works. 
You will need some medicine (bpdfamily/T) to help ease the pain once you get this injury sewn up.  Without your medicine, it'll hurt a lot worse and you will be more likely to do things to re-open your wound. 
I'm curious PJ, have you begun to look through the stories of any others here?

[rfriesen]

Sure, you could try that, if your goal is to stay in the relationship at all costs. Speaking for myself, though, I have no interest in a relationship that becomes a constant power struggle and where I have to strategise about how "nice" to be, how I need to calibrate my love and kindness to her need for "action". I'm not judging -- by all means, people who want relationships that are roller coaster rides, wild highs and crushing lows, a game that you can win or lose ... .go for it. We can learn a lot from having been in a relationship or two like that.

But many of us here are over that, or simply not interested in that kind of relationship. If you're looking for openness, sincerity, genuine intimacy in a relationship, then you don't want to be with someone who will leave you if you don't provide constant "action" and who doesn't want you to be too "nice" to them.

[pjstock42]

rfriesen - thank you for your response.

What you said about finally getting over the thoughts of trying to pull them back in, that is where I am hoping to get to soon but it isn't easy. I absolutely cannot understand how I sill have such a strong desire to go back to how things were when I know that this person cannot be trusted and the vision that I have in my head and want back, never really even existed. Even though I've said it many times, I think it's just the psychological trauma of going from "everything is great" to everything disappearing in a matter of minutes, that has left me with only positive memories of her because there were no bad times leading up to the breakup as there would be in a normal relationship.

Last night, I did decide to go out and be social even though deep down, I really just wanted to stay home by myself and continue to sulk. I've never been a very outgoing person so this event, going to hang out with 1 person who I know decently well and many others whom I have never met, it was definitely outside of my comfort zone. I took the hesitance that I felt towards doing this and decided to capitalize on it and do something that I wouldn't in the past. It was a decent evening, I am still overly somber and downtrodden so I feel as though I may not have projected forth the best image of myself but it was nice to have one night where i at least had some temporary breaks in the constant thoughts about her and about what has happened.

I do need to keep remembering that time will make this better and that time isn't something I have any control over. I really just want to "fix" my mind and at least get to a point where this doesn't dominate my thoughts all day/night and exhaust me from my mind running in circles trying to figure things out.

[pjstock42]

One step at a time... .that's what I had to do.  You're just now beginning to stop the bleeding of a very deep wound.  Next you will need to clean it, then you'll have to suture the mess.  Both of those steps hurt too... .but that's how the process works. 
You will need some medicine (bpdfamily/T) to help ease the pain once you get this injury sewn up.  Without your medicine, it'll hurt a lot worse and you will be more likely to do things to re-open your wound. 
I'm curious PJ, have you begun to look through the stories of any others here?

I have read many of the other stories here and have also been fortunate to find a ton of videos on youtube where people talk about their experience in similar situations. I have seemingly watched countless hours of youtube diatribes in the past few days from men/women who are saying things that consistently hit so close to home for me. It is nice to watch their videos progress over time and see the noticeable changes that they are making in their thought process and demeanor, I really hope that I am able to follow a similar path and eventually just look back at this as a stumbling block in my life rather than constantly ruminating over the devastation like I am now.

[drained1996]

I'm happy for you that you're learning through not only your own experience, but others as well.  It's invaluable to have the knowledge so many others have shared similar circumstances, hurdles, and pain that we must face.  I'll urge you, if you have specific questions or just things to say on your mind, to post them under a new thread.  New threads will invite more input from others... .input I think you may find helpful. 
I promise, the ruminations will subside and eventually go away with time.  And fortunately for us, when the time is right, we will be much better armed to seek and enter healthy relationships. 
Move forward knowing that is in your future.
Where do you see yourself in 6 months mentally and emotionally?

[rfriesen]

I do need to keep remembering that time will make this better and that time isn't something I have any control over. I really just want to "fix" my mind and at least get to a point where this doesn't dominate my thoughts all day/night and exhaust me from my mind running in circles trying to figure things out.

Yes, it's the most painful and exhausting thing imaginable. Like a bad trip that can't end soon enough. It's good that you went out and were social, even if it was outside your comfort zone. I also went through what felt like a long stage of not putting my best foot forward, of being a little low energy and probably not as engaging as I would normally be. I still feel that way a lot of the time. It's fine - I'm sure it's much more noticeable to me than anyone else. It's awful having the constant invasive thoughts and feeling down, but you build out of that slowly. And in the meantime I've felt that I've had more genuine interactions with people. Because I still feel a lot of pain from the whole experience, I tend to be a little quieter and more observant in social situations than I used to be. I've stopped worrying about it. I'll talk when I really have something to say, and it's given me a different perspective on things.

Basically, I think one thing I've learned through this experience is not to stress little things. Having seen and felt the way my ex can lash out in anger, how she can be so selfish that she completely disregards the feelings of those closest to her (family as well as me), how cruel a person she can be ... .I've come to appreciate the fact that I'm not like that. Sure, I have my faults and failings. But I would never deliberately hurt someone I care about. I'm never emotionally vicious. I don't have that kind of anger and bitterness inside me. I really make an effort even when someone acts irritably or in anger -- it takes a lot to get a rise out of me, because I try to understand what's upsetting someone when they're acting that way. And, ultimately, I think that's what comes across. I'm sad that my ex couldn't appreciate it and I'm sad that she took advantage of how much effort I made. But it really is her loss now and I've decided to stop worrying about how anyone sees me, because I know I'm basically kind to others. As I start feeling more and more like myself, I'll also have more and more fun in social settings again. But I'm not trying to impress anyone along the way anymore, and that's been pretty liberating, honestly.

There's so much pain to deal with when the person you love most suddenly throws the relationship away or lashes out wanting to hurt you. But the pain will eventually go. I've stopped trying to chase it away by thinking my way through it, because that was a hopeless task anyway. And accepting that I can't chase it away is, I think, making me calmer in other ways too. I just worry a lot less about impressing anyone, and realise that the people I truly want around me are the kind who respond most of all to me just being a genuine person. I think what hurts us so much is how our exes seemed to appreciate that about us, seemed so open with us because they felt safe and loved, but then couldn't reciprocate -- and not only couldn't reciprocate, but treated us in a way most of us wouldn't treat any other human being. Well I've started turning that around and seeing how those close to me do feel safe and comfortable around me.

[drained1996]

problem is... .pwBPD does not feel safe with anyone... .not for any length of time anyway. It's really all a trust issue, that they are simply incapable of dealing with or comprehending... .because they are a child in their emotional development.  We cannot fix that... .

[rfriesen]

problem is... .pwBPD does not feel safe with anyone... .not for any length of time anyway. It's really all a trust issue, that they are simply incapable of dealing with or comprehending... .because they are a child in their emotional development.  We cannot fix that... .

Yes, you're right there. I guess part of what I was trying to say is that I realise now that it wasn't my fault with my ex. Actually, now that I read your post, it's really helpful to make me see what I meant. My ex had me feeling so guilty and responsible for the complete lack of safety we felt with each other by the end ... .that it's taken a lot of pain and time for me to see the extent to which that guilt was unwarranted. I actually went very, very far in trying to make my ex feel safe, in never retaliating or yelling back at her, never attacking her the way she attacked me.

So to the extent my ex felt scared and unsafe -- and she obviously did -- I don't think I could possibly have given any more to prevent that.

[pjstock42]

problem is... .pwBPD does not feel safe with anyone... .not for any length of time anyway. It's really all a trust issue, that they are simply incapable of dealing with or comprehending... .because they are a child in their emotional development.  We cannot fix that... .

This is something that I am really focusing on accepting because it is a very salient and true point. The mental anguish comes in when they had, for so long, conveyed the utmost sense of safety, trust, reliability and togetherness straight to my face. The reconciliation between who they were pretending to be and who I know now that they really are seems to be the root of every issue that I'm going through and is probably what will keep my mind spinning in circles for the longest.

The position that I find myself in right now is not a good one, as I'm sure you can all relate. Because everything was so good up until the sudden 'discard', the only memories that I have of her are all positive ones because there was never a period of time where the relationship was degrading / we were drifting apart which is what would happen in a normal relationship and at least give you some rationale behind why the breakup happens. I sometimes wonder if she did this on purpose, in terms of pretending that everything was so perfect, that she was so happy, up until hours before tossing me out like trash. I could already tell from her first email that all of the words she is saying simply serve the purpose of making her feel better about herself and her actions, with absolutely no regard to what this has put me through.

I am going to keep myself (somewhat) disciplined today and not check my emails until my meetings are over a bit later because I'm still very prepared for this response to again cut me down and destroy me so I'd like to save that until after I've had to be in work mode on the phone with dozens of people. I've been sharing the email exchange with a few close friends and we are all predicting that this next one is going to be a series of "mountain out of molehill" type issues and straight up lies to justify why her doing this to me was ok. Even though I am expecting this, I still know that it's going to hurt. I can see her mentioning some small issue that is rooted in truth but blown up to be something that in her mind was worth lying to me and abandoning me over and I can also predict me being very hard on myself and beating myself up over having done whatever small things she mentions. In reality, any issue that she had was obviously small enough for us to still be living this fabricated "perfect" relationship and should have been brought up during the relationship to talk about and work through together. I'm not perfect and I have my flaws but I always thought that part of being in a committed relationship is working on these things together and growing as a couple because of the foundational love that the relationship is built on. I could never imagine having one/a few small annoyances about a partner, never communicating them and eventually using them as a justification to completely emotionally destroy them.

Anyway, my parents and friends have been telling me that I'm doing better than I realize. I don't know if this is a true statement or if they are just doing their jobs to be supportive of me because to me I still feel incredibly empty, depressed and lost. The only thing that I can control right now are my actions going forward, I know that I will want to hammer back a lengthy response to this next email defending myself and asking why we didn't work on things together but what's the point in this? I'm really hoping that I can keep a level head, read the email, experience the emotions that result from it then delete the message and start a true no contact phase.

[drained1996]

 
Damn good thoughts PJ, and your friends and family are correct.  Given the circumstances you are doing wonderful even though you feel like ___!  
I will add to your thoughts a little.  As opposed to thinking your exBPD and your relationship was fake... .it wasn't, I'm sure she loved you as much as her illness allowed.  I know mine did/does.  It's their limitations on how mature that love can be that is really part of the crux of the illness.  When they get uncomfortable and or sense closeness that is beyond their threshold of understanding (emotional development of a child) they either act out, or defend by abandoning to soothe their own fear of abandonment.  It's not a conceivable reaction to us as adults... .until we think of them as children.
Another analogy I can use that I'm dealing with now, is old age/dementia.  My mother is now 81 years old, my dad passed at age 86 last year, and she is in a world without her partner/caretaker of 60 years.  She suffered a stroke 6 years ago, and is showing lots of signs of dementia.  When approached with something that makes her uncomfortable, she gets irritated and very defensive even over small things (mountains out of molehills).  I think most humans understand this happens with old people... .they turn into the child.  :)ementia is a serious illness, just as is BPD... .it's just harder to comprehend BPD because the subject is not a senior citizen.  But the commonality is you are left dealing with a child, which mentally and emotionally is very draining to have in your life until you can put it into context.  It's expected for older people to be this way... .it's NOT expected for younger people to be this way... .they are though.  So to look at my exBPD as a child, and understand it's not her fault she is that way, allows me a little peace.  It excuses her for her actions to an extent.  They don't choose to be this way, they just are, just like old folks,  and that sucks for them, and anyone close to them in their life. 

[pjstock42]

Drained,

In regards to thinking of everything as 'fake', I still have a hard time getting my mind to a point where I can accept that any of it was real. Maybe it is because I am still somewhat in shock and focused mostly on the last 2 months of the relationship before the sudden discard, I don't know.

To me, it just seems so far out of the realm of reality that this person could tell me to my face every day how much they loved me, how important I was to them, how happy they were etc all while planning this discard process behind my back knowing that it would destroy me. Not to get onto the topic of sex, but that really bothers me too, that she was able to be sexual/intimate with me while knowing that she was about to be abandoning me out of nowhere without me knowing anything about it. I just don't understand how any of that could have been 'real' now knowing what the real plan was behind all of it. All I can think is that this had to be fake, I think it was done to leave me with only positive memories of her and make her out to be some kind of martyr - does that make any sense? If any of that was real, it would still be happening because of how important it apparently was to her, or it would have been important enough to her to discuss any underlying issues and work through them rather than to just suddenly toss me in the trash.

I know that this kind of thinking isn't helping me, I know that it's inconsequential and something that I'll never be able to fully understand or relate to. I guess I just have a very difficult time believing that this person who I knew so deeply, who I thought shared everything with me and was 100% honest with me could do something like this and just be excused for it because they have the emotional intelligence of a child. I'm not trying to say that you're wrong, I'm just saying that I don't know how to get my mind to a point where I can write this off as just dealing with someone who has an issue with emotional immaturity.

On another random topic, many of the stories that I've read here and video diaries that I've been following on youtube have been giving me some additional anxiety (as if I needed more). So many of them move on to be with someone else and start talking about how a few months in, their new relationship is so good, how the communicate so well and respect each other so much etc. Well this really, really scares me for the simple fact that this is what I thought that I already had. I truly believed that I had the perfect relationship with this person and that it had all of the openness/honesty that I could ever ask for, so I wonder - how am I ever going to believe myself again about having this? I definitely don't want to close myself off from this and never be able to experience it again but when I truly believed that I already had this and it came back to destroy me, how will I ever know if I REALLY have this and it isn't some kind of fabrication again?

Still, probably not valuable thinking for me to be doing but I'm just venting stuff here and I really appreciate the people keeping up with this topic and providing input.

[drained1996]

It may be a good idea to reflect and think of some red flags you glossed over in your time with her.  That's one thing I take away from my relationship with my pwBPD is that I have now experienced these things, and I'm more aware of a lot of things I just let basically get out of control.  I'm more aware of the red flags themselves, and I'm overall more self aware as well.  I'm also more understanding that good boundaries are healthy, and when someone crosses them, that needs to be dealt with in a healthy manner.

[rfriesen]

In regards to thinking of everything as 'fake', I still have a hard time getting my mind to a point where I can accept that any of it was real. Maybe it is because I am still somewhat in shock and focused mostly on the last 2 months of the relationship before the sudden discard, I don't know.

Great advice and thoughts from Drained. I just want to add my two cents and say that I also believe it was as real an experience for your ex as she could handle. I went through the exact same feelings as you and, as you say, it's because you're in shock. Your psyche has to defend itself against this kind of treatment and it won't feel safe for some time to have anything that might feel like empathy or understanding for your ex and what she did. At least not in any stable form - maybe only in fits and starts, as your mind goes in circles. And that's as it should be -- if you could instantly feel empathy for someone who crushed you like this, you'd either be superhuman or in denial. It wouldn't be healthy.

But like Drained, I eventually came to see that my ex was real "in moments". That's all she could manage. And she knew it on some level -- she tried to squeeze every last drop of joy and happiness and mania out of the happy moments, because (this is partly my psychological interpretation, admittedly) she senses it can't last. At the end when she was resigned to it all, she would say, "I knew it all along, it was always going to end like this." By the end, she felt the darkness and all her destructive tendencies closing in and just kept the facade going as long as she could. And I played my role in that too, to some extent trying to enjoy what I knew were our last few times together as a couple, even as the heartache closed in.

I know it was a little different for you. But imagine the psychological strain your ex was probably under. And NO, this is not to make excuses or for you to feel sorry for her, please don't think that -- but just to begin making some sense of what happened. If she was living in this fabricated, happy world, all the while knowing she couldn't sustain it, that she felt trapped in an act she couldn't maintain and was about to destroy it all ... .it must have been miserable for her internally. And she seemingly doesn't have the emotional resources to deal with those kinds of conflicting emotions like an adult. Same with my ex -- she couldn't manage anything between "life is perfect, I never want to spend another day without you" and "I hate you, you're the devil, and I need you out of my life completely". It doesn't excuse anything, and it doesn't make a lot of sense to us, because we don't understand why they would be internally torn in that way to begin with. But is it any more plausible that it was all a completely fake act? That she just wanted to fake it all from the beginning in order to then destroy you? for what? as a prank? or because she enjoys being evil? I think that would truly be psychopathic.

PJ, I don't say any of this to make you feel better. There are no happy answers when this kind of thing happens. And obviously I'm just sharing my perspective. Simply in the hopes that it can help in some way to hear from someone else who knows the pain and trauma you're going through.

[drained1996]

superbly worded rfriesen 

[pjstock42]

Well, the email response came and I must say, I am not reacting to it in the way that I thought I would. I spent so much time thinking, researching and talking to other people about what I thought the response would contain and it ended up being exactly what I thought it would be so I think all of that preparation really helped me. Upon seeing it pop up, I was shaking and expecting that I would be in bed crying about it upon reading it yet, I am still sitting here, calmly typing this message out and trying not to beat myself up regarding the accusations that she made about me.

'Accusations' being the key word to describe the nature of this email. Before I get into some of the allegations, I will say that she started the entire message with what I saw to be a huge cop-out and said that she "isn't listing these things to hear a response from me" and that they are "not up for debate". Basically, she has painted me in an incredibly unkind and cruel light and I am not allowed to stand up for myself or tell her why I believe her to be wrong. Well, I could - but I honestly have no desire to. One of the things I told myself in preparation of this message is that I would not get into bickering about character traits or one-off comments that this person have overblown or misunderstood because it is not going to get me anywhere in this process.

I cannot tell you how much all of the research that I've done is helping me right now, it's truly incredible.  The tactic of egging me on to get me to say something in the past and then holding on to that statement, never confronting me about it or talking about it and subsequently using it to explain why her discarding was appropriate - that was heavily on use in this message. While a few of the accusations she made were complete fabrications, ie. "you said this thing" whereas in reality, I said something else and she HEARD "that" thing, most of them were based on actual events. The thing is, with all of these events that she brought up - we either A. talked about them at the time and cleared up the misunderstanding (or so she made me believe at that time) or B. she never raised them as issues with me and clearly wasn't invested enough in me to want to figure out the true meaning about this stuff and see where I was coming from.

Her message devolved into being pretty vitriolic and basically painting me to be many things that I know for a fact I am not. Again relating to my research, I have read so much about the "painting to black" process and how your character will likely be defamed to others/yourself during the devaluation and discard processes. What I have to realize is that the things she is saying have never been told to me, not by another girlfriend, not by a friend, not by a parent/relative etc., the common link in all of this is her and nobody but her. I believe that she really took this demonization of me too far but having researched this so much and heard so many other stories, I understand that this is something she has to do in order for her to rationalize her decisions and move forward so I will not be putting any effort in trying to argue these points with her. Despite everything that I did for her, all of the care I gave, all of the vulnerabilities that I exposed to her and work that I put in to making her happy - in her head, I am all of these different negative things which I know in reality I am not. If I had never taken the time/interest to do all of this research, I would probably be hammering out a panicked response attempting to clear my name and tell her that I am not any of these things that she is painting me to be but thank God, I know that there is no point in this and thus I will not be doing so.

I won't get into too many of the specific accusations but they are all over the place and again things that I know not to be true about myself. According to her, I am a misogynist, I didn't do enough "nice things" for her, I was too controlling, I sexually degraded her, I didn't spend enough time with her and took her for granted etc. etc. Because I am not perfect, I will take from this the lesson that maybe there are things about me that could make people think a certain thing about me and I will work on those things. What I will not do is beat myself up and ascribe all of these terrible things to myself because I know that the majority of this is her projecting these things on to me as her mind requires her to paint me to black for her to feel ok with herself. It does sting my pride a bit to think that someone thinks so poorly of me, especially someone that I cared so much about and put so much time, thought, feelings and effort into but as I mentioned before, the common denominator in all of these accusations is her and no one else.

She ended her message with what I believe to be another cop out and said that "even if all of these things aren't true, it's how I perceived them and that will not change". She told me how she thinks I am "such a caring person" and how she "knows that I meant well" etc. She even closed out by saying how important it is to maintain some contact and to reach out to her if I'm having a hard time with things but I know with 100% certainty that this would not be healthy for me, therefore I will not be doing this. The email has been archived and I will not be responding. She will probably take this lack of a response as a way to paint me as "cold" and a bad person for not dignifying her with a response but in reality, if she already thinks all of these aforementioned terrible things of me - what would be the point in responding? She doesn't want me to argue her accusations and she will not accept that any of the things she accused me of are misinterpretations or simply fallacious in nature, so there is absolutely nothing for me to gain from continuing this conversation with her.

Anyway, thank you for anyone who read this and for all of the valuable support you have given me in this process.

[bunny4523]

I'm ashamed and embarrassed to post this but things have gone a bit sideways as a result ofd the email.

I felt very good about what I said and was feeling so much better this morning about getting that off of my chest, that was until I got a response.

Instead of the cold and callous nature that I have been seeing from her in discussions about the apartment, she responded in an incredibly heartfelt way and apologized for a slew of different things. It reminded me so much of talking to her when I was with her and how happy it made me, so stupidly - I responded.

My response was slightly off the rails in regards to my first email, rather than being straightforward and dictatorial, I was overcome by emotions after reading her email and responded similarly. I told her how hard it was to see her talking to me in a loving way, how this caused an immense internal struggle between having the person I love right in front of me but knowing that she is now gone.

She talked about how much she missed me and how hard this is for her, I was really hoping that she would be cold and heartless in her response as this would have made it easier to move on but here I am.

I'm not proud of myself right now, this last email that I sent really serves no purpose other than to stir up powerful feelings and make it look as though I'm trying to get her back.

PJ,

Give it time and she will become cold and heartless again.  That is the piece you need to remember.  The nice and loving doesn't last.  You have to be prepared to deal with the downside too.  Are you ready to deal with the bad?  It will always be there.  There is no reason to not feel proud of yourself or to put yourself down about needing to communicate.  Do what you need to get through this.  Try and break it down... .what does my heart say?  what does my mind tell me?  what does my gut tell me?  process it all. 

My answers:
My heart:  "how could you do this to me, how could you treat me so badly, I was such a loving and sincere and supportive partner to you.  What did I do to you that was so bad to be devalued and dismissed by you?"
My mind "This is not right.  This is not ok, you are being abused.  If you continue in this relationship, you are signing up to be a victim.  It will destroy who you are and you will stay that scared little girl constantly urning for approval. You will lose yourself and sink back into dysfunction.  Is that what you want for yourself, for your life, for your children?"
My gut: Run.  This is bad. Get out and get somewhere safe.

If you read about no contact, it is supposed to be temporary.  It is not a permanent solution.  It is to give you a pause from the beating you feel like you are getting until you can come to terms to get away and stop the cycle.  One of the hardest things to deal with regarding a breakup with a BPD is "why don't you want me?"  What you need to learn to do is turn it around and ask yourself "why do I want her/him?"  You need to recognize your value and don't  settle for anyone mistreating you even when there is some good some of the time.  There is a saying I read and it goes something like this... ."It isn't about how he treats you when things are good, it's about how he treats you when things are bad."  Think about that. 

I know this is painful but if you keep working at this you will come out of it a happier and healthier person.  Once you have done that you will find many more happy and healthy people to choose from. 

Best wishes,
Bunny




Bunny

[pjstock42]

Bunny,

Thank you for your response. The feeling of being 'unwanted' really is one of the things that I've struggled the most with as it does hurt but I really like your perspective of thinking "do I want them?" I know for a fact that I don't want someone who could lie to my face continually and cause me such deep emotional pain with little or no regard to what it would do to me.

One thing I wanted to add to my last message and get people's input on is this. I am wondering if a small, 2/3 sentence response would be appropriate in this situation to clearly communicate that I am instilling 'no contact'. The message would say something along the lines of "while I am hurt by the image you have of me, I will respect your request to not argue your allegations. I disagree with the image that you have painted of me but I will take this as a learning experience to improve myself and will not try to change your perception of me. When it comes down to it, I simply do not have it in me to be friends or have any contact with someone who thinks so poorly of me who has also showed that they have the ability to lie to my face repeatedly. I still wish that things had never come to this point but I hope you understand that it just would not be healthy for me to maintain contact with someone who thinks such terrible things of me."

What do people think of sending something like this? As upset as I am at all of her baseless accusations and misrepresentations of my character, I would like to do my best to come out of this as the bigger person and as I thought more about it, it seems like giving her some kind of response similar to the above would be better than just completely ignoring her.

[rfriesen]

PJ, I think your short proposed response is a reasonable and clear way to put an end to communication. The only thing I would say is - be prepared to have your mind obsess a little (or a lot) after you send it, wondering how your ex is taking it, whether she's thinking of you, whether she'll respond once again. You seem to have a very clear sense of where you want to get to and to have made a very firm decision that you're done with this relationship. So I'm sure you'll find your way out of this mess sooner rather than later. I just want to let you know you may feel turmoil and uncertainty after sending any kind of message to your ex. That's fine. Don't stress it. Don't feel the need to add anything or clarify anything. You've made a smart, important decision to move on. Your response is perfectly reasonable. If you do send it, you can feel good knowing you've taken the high road and are going to look after yourself now. And if you find your mind spinning or obsessing over how she's taking it, so be it. Let your mind work itself out, and try not to doubt yourself for having sent this simple, straightforward response.

[drained1996]

I don't even need to type anything... .rfriesen hit the nail on the head.

[rfriesen]

Drained,
Seems like we've gone through some pretty similar stages. I've really enjoyed your posts, and reading them has given me that extra little bit of foundation and momentum going forward. Every little bit helps when you're first coming out of the confusion and mess these relationships create.

[drained1996]

rfreisen,

I share your sentiments, like you, I've found your posts here and in other threads helpful in maintaining my balance, understanding and learing.  We will be fine my friend rfriesen! 
I'm also going to take this time to give a big round of applause to PJ.  PJ, I know you do not understand how far ahead of the game you are in your process.  I know you will still face some bumps in the road, and that the FOG has not completely cleared for you.  But I do know you're very in tune to what you have been through, even in your traumatic state, and you have no idea how many of us have suffered through years of agony just to get the comprehension you have.  Make no mistake, it's still going to take time to sift through all that has affected you, and also will power to stay on your road of NC.  I still highly suggest you seek out a good therapist, and work on YOU.  Once you make the turn and your thoughts begin to be about yourself, as opposed us/her, I'll make the bet you'll understand the new you significantly quicker than most.  You are a wonderful person, and most introspective... .trust your logical thinking and you will find true love.  You can and will love again... .I know that from experience.

[drained1996]

Oh yeah, I forgot, PJ, you're very well educated on this illness, I'd suggest you don't drown yourself too much with finding out more on this illness every minute you have.  Try to focus on you and your feelings and how they affect YOU.  I'm not saying to go cold turkey or anything, but you already pass the test with flying colors on your knowledge, so focus more on you and your recovery.  Maybe that means posting a new thread on any questions you may have about your recovery, or others experiences on recovery.
Or maybe your questions could be about how to move past your us/her phase. 
Again... .this will all take time, you're building something that takes time, not tearing something down that only takes a pwBPD a short time period. 
I wish I was your age with your knowledge and experience, I'd end up being the happiest M'fer in the world!

[Wize]

Because everything was so good up until the sudden 'discard', the only memories that I have of her are all positive ones because there was never a period of time where the relationship was degrading / we were drifting apart which is what would happen in a normal relationship and at least give you some rationale behind why the breakup happens.

pj, I remember when you first told your story.  Forgive me if I'm not remembering it exactly.  You spoke of a dinner that you and your exBPD had.  She broke up with you over dinner, you cried. Then you got back together.  This was before your final discard. There were other things involving you moving far away from your work to a place closer to her work.  There were things she asked you to give up, sacrifices she expected of you that did not show love and caring.  You were a character in her fantasy.  She manipulated you and controlled you. Perhaps now, you're having trouble recalling the abuse/disorder because you're in the midst of deep pain. When the pain dulls I believe you'll see that your ex did not always treat you so well.

[rfriesen]

PJ,
Wize is right that you seemed to describe some red flags that did crop up during the relationship. Those are things to think over, in time. All in good time. And remember that you have all the time in the world. This was hard for me to get my mind around at first, but it really helped once it clicked -- there's no rush to do anything right now. Of course you want the heartache, anger, sadness, etc. gone as fast as possible. But that's just not something you can force. So you have time and you should take it. No rush to convince yourself you've made sense of everything and drawn your final conclusions. Because you've been hurt badly, your mind is processing things in great detail. If you're able to let that happen, and just let yourself feel everything that washes over you without blocking things out or repressing the feelings that come, you'll end up in a great place. Your mind will take care to process it all fully and you'll be able to look back and see the good and the bad of the relationship. And, yes, there's always good and bad in a relationship, even with the craziness of the ones we've all been through. Just much harder to process in those cases. You'll process the red flags, not so that you're paranoid in future relationships, but just so you have a better understanding of healthy relationship dynamics.

And drained is absolutely right that your understanding of what happened and how grounded your knowledge of the situation seems to be ... .blows me away that you have such a sound grasp so quickly. Not only will you be fine, but you'll come out of this feeling more solid and better than ever. Might be hard to believe now, but I have no doubt about that. Just take your time with it, I think that's the biggest thing. Let your feelings be what they will be. Do your best to keep a normal routine and focus at work, but don't beat yourself up if you're not functioning at full steam. That takes time. Just push through the best you can and your feelings will take care of themselves.

[pjstock42]

Because everything was so good up until the sudden 'discard', the only memories that I have of her are all positive ones because there was never a period of time where the relationship was degrading / we were drifting apart which is what would happen in a normal relationship and at least give you some rationale behind why the breakup happens.

pj, I remember when you first told your story.  Forgive me if I'm not remembering it exactly.  You spoke of a dinner that you and your exBPD had.  She broke up with you over dinner, you cried. Then you got back together.  This was before your final discard. There were other things involving you moving far away from your work to a place closer to her work.  There were things she asked you to give up, sacrifices she expected of you that did not show love and caring.  You were a character in her fantasy.  She manipulated you and controlled you. Perhaps now, you're having trouble recalling the abuse/disorder because you're in the midst of deep pain. When the pain dulls I believe you'll see that your ex did not always treat you so well.

This is a very good point and something that I slowly have started to understand more fully. Because I was "in the fog", I didn't have clear boundaries and I did many things for this person that I wouldn't normally do because I was under her spell of "love" and "forever" etc.

As odd as it sounds, I'm so happy that her latest email was so vitriolic and accusatory. To already be slowly moving out of the fog and then to have this person tell me through lies and exaggerations how terrible of a person I am, it somehow pushed me further and made me realize even more that I would never want to be with someone who thinks such horrible things of me. It was good to get an insight into the devil she painted me to be in her triangulation with her sister and as I mentioned before, all of the research that I had done and advice I had received from you guys made me handle her message in the best way possible.

rfriesen & drained, thank you guys again so much for your continued input in my topics. even though I've never met you, you guys have helped me through this better than any close family member or friend could have due to your knowledge on these conditions and tactics. I do feel as though I've undergone a bit of a mental overload in terms of my research on all of this stuff so rfriesen, I will be trying to take your advice and move through this slowly while letting my emotions run their course and not always trying to instantly squash them out with knowledge & logic. I'm definitely not better yet and I have lots of time to go but for the first time, I feel as though I finally understand that I will be better from this and that it isn't the end of the world, and I honestly thought I may never feel this way. I'm so grateful for this community and I can't wait until I'm fully recovered from this so that I can be the one supporting other people in their topics.

[drained1996]

PJ, you already are helping others... .like myself and others who have followed your progress.  This whole process no matter where you are in it is like therapy. It helps me to read other's stories when I may not feel the best in order to reinforce/validate things I already know about my past/present experience.  Your strength to share at a time when most of us given the same circumstances could barely function... .is astounding. 
I wish I had words to make your pain go away, but I don't... .it'll simply take time.
Godspeed my friend, we're here when needed, and remember, your recovery is about YOU!

[Turkish]

 

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Mod Note- See also:
Part 4
Part 3
Part 2
Part 1