Seconds away of sending a text

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Today has been bad, I am seconds away from sending her a message after nearly 9 months.
She won't answer .
The urge is killing me.

[In a bad way]

Today has been bad, I am seconds away from sending her a message after nearly 9 months.
She won't answer .
The urge is killing me.

[Mr.R.Indignation]

Do you have any friends to lean on? That helped me a lot. I'm not sure if I'm allowed to advocate this, but feel free to PM me with venting if you have no other platform. I'm a pretty good listener, as one might expect from someone who got into a relationship with a pwBPD traits, so if I can help ya out I will.

Presumably you don't want to be in contact with her or you wouldn't have taken this step. Keep that in mind.

What was a bad moment for you in the relationship? Why don't you want to be in contact with her? You'll have good reasons. Remember them.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Today has been bad, I am seconds away from sending her a message after nearly 9 months.
She won't answer .
The urge is killing me.

If you know she won't answer, what benefit would you receive by sending her a text?

Why don't you draft out what you would have sent and post it here?  Then, go do something to change your frame of mind: listen to favorite music, go for a run or fast walk, do some exercises, watch a movie, etc.

[In a bad way]

That's the problem, I do want to be in contact even after all this time.
To her I don't exist or if I do I am the worst of the worst.

[Kelli Cornett]

Text swap?  I'll text yours and you can text mine

My little joke to lighten up the day

[roberto516]

Text swap?  I'll text yours and you can text mine

My little joke to lighten up the day

That is so genius. Can we do this ? My god wed all feel so much better.

[Kelli Cornett]

 and they'd be as confused as they left us

[heartandwhole]

Hi In a bad way,

I can really relate to that feeling, that strong urge to reach out. It can be very hard to resist.  

If you can focus on your feelings—the physical sensations in your body. There is something you don't want to feel, and reaching out is your way to soothe that feeling. There are other ways.

When I feel an urge to act in a way that I know will set me back, I challenge myself to breathe through it and wait 10-20 minutes before even thinking about doing anything about it. You can also distract yourself with an activity that requires you to focus.

How is it going since you first posted?

heartandwhole

[Ragnar1982]

Hey everyone. Just wanted to share something... .During all breakups with my ex (we are still broken up, BTW) I have had that feeling. The most recent breakups I would try NC, but I'd always give into her pleas to communicate. Those times were typically filled with anger, confusion, and sadness on both sides. That is until I found out what was really going on, and the role I was playing in her life. Even after all that, I do feel I still care for her, and love her even. The important thing I know now is that regardless of those feelings, I had to set boundaries about the type of relationship I can have with her right now. It's been a bit over a week since I emailed her out of anger after discovering my worst fears... .however, I did send her a heartfelt closure email Sunday night. That was for me, and I didn't want a reply. However, she did reply on Monday, and on Tuesday we actually had a very rational conversation about how we feel about each other, why things started to fall apart, and the root causes of our demise. We both know what needs to change (it's on her end) for me or her to ever consider having a romantic relationship again. We agreed on a lot of things, including that we would continue to crash and burn given the environment our relationship tried to exist in, unless it changes. Part of that conversation concerned the blocking and NC. We both have a very hard time not speaking to each other. It plays on her anxiety, and also mine (recently diagnosed and likely temporary because of all this). we agreed that if any of us felt the need to contact each other to see how each other is doing, then fine. Neither one of us like the idea of never speaking to each other again. We agreed on LC, considering nothing has changed on her end at this point and that I'm seeing someone else, but also we're open about how we still feel for each other. In any event, boundaries were set and discussed. Neither one of us has to feel the constant pressure of never speaking again, regardless of the status of our relationship or our future. It was one of the best conversations the two of us had, and just this morning we texted briefly about how much better both of us feel. I know this can't happen in every circumstance, but I figured I'd mention it because so far the LC has been helpful on both sides. Yes, NC is probably appropriate in a lot of cases, and I realize it is to help the person establishing NC a means of healing. However, NC can certainly be psychologically damaging for both parties (only speaking for myself).  I'm just offering a different approach in case any of you out there think you can have a rational conversation with your ex about things that have occurred, and setting boundaries, while still being able to address how you feel. There was no blame game in our conversation, either. And believe me, for those who do not know my story, there could have been. But at some point we all have to see things for what they are/were. That will take varying levels of time depending on the person or situation, but this conversation was helpful FOR ME, as well as her. Just something to consider.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey in a bad way, I suggest you look at your urge to contact her with detachment, as if you are on the outside looking in.  If you can see it for what it is -- an impulse that will pass -- you may find your situation more manageable.  Often when one reaches out in this type of situation the response or lack thereof causes more pain, with the result that you may feel even worse than you do now.  So maybe you can let that urge go on the back burner for now?

LuckyJim

[In a bad way]

I managed not to do it, after all she didn't respond to a letter I sent in November although I don't know for sure she got it.
I still can't come to terms with her erasing me from existence.
I know she has done it to other people except one not including her kids dad.

Mr.R.Indignation  I may have to take you up on your offer of  PM sometime, thanks.

[roberto516]

I managed not to do it, after all she didn't respond to a letter I sent in November although I don't know for sure she got it.
I still can't come to terms with her erasing me from existence.
I know she has done it to other people except one not including her kids dad.

Mr.R.Indignation  I may have to take you up on your offer of  PM sometime, thanks.

Great job not texting! You just reinforced in your brain you can do it. It was a craving you didn't act on. I am struggling with the callousness of not even being a part of her plans after all I sacrificed and thought we shared. But it's their disorder. They don't think logically. Imagine if you had a 5 year old nephew and he got really mad at you and didn't want to talk to you anymore. You can't reason with him, and show him why it's a good idea, and why he shouldn't let this event mean he throws you away. But we are dealing with adults who think that way. Who can cope with a lot of other things. And even worse. A 5 year old is supposed to think that way at times. But these people have had the same thought process for decades. It's who they are. It can't be changed without honest to god introspection. Problem is if they go to therapy they  most likely play the victim and manipulate the therapist. Or can't take what they learn in therapy and integrate it into life. It's a tough situation for them.

[Naughty Nibbler]

I managed not to do it.

Good job!   

[In a bad way]

I'm back again, I can't control theses feelings. I am going to bed to try o sleep I want so much to contact her.
It is 39 weeks today and it's killing me to the point I don't even see the point in writing it down.

[purekalm]

In a bad way,

Great for not texting! 

I know it's rough though. My ex just recently (a month ago) asked for a divorce, he left for another state five months ago now.

One day he was all "I really do love you and want to make this work. I'm tired of being so selfish and I want to help you with your dreams now. I know it'll be hard, but we'll make it work." To, literally a few days later being ticked off and saying he wants a divorce, unfriending me from facebook and his xboxlive (acting like I was never there to begin with which, I mean, come on, yes I was, rolls eyes) rarely contacting or answering me and then saying he wants to get the divorce as soon as possible all while trying to act like my best friend the times he wasn't cussing me out. It was a shock, let me tell you.

I think that's the hardest part, no real closure. It was awful, but I was trying to work through it and then all of a sudden he's the victim and acts like he hates me. It's so easy to look up his fb or check accounts that I made for him to see who he may be talking to or what he's talking about. The urge has been very hard for me not to do, and my reasons were why? Why did everything change all of a sudden? Then I saw a post he accidentally posted public, "in a relationship" merely a few days after he acted that way.

Even now, when I start thinking, against my better judgement, that I could've tried harder or I'm really the one with issues, he reminds me why I can't. (We have a son together that he rarely contacts so I can't go no contact.) Just two days ago I made one comment that wasn't even anything bad and he flipped out. Literally, flipped out and started cussing me out for no real reason.

Be glad that she doesn't answer. I know it's hard to get them out of your head and heart, but you have to for your sanity, your health and your future. You can't have a future with a woman who isn't disordered if you can't let go of this one. You can do it, you've already proven it. Even though it's like walking through the swamp of sadness (Neverending Story) to not contact her.

This is what I tell myself, even though it's still hard to believe sometimes and feels surreal. It's over. He doesn't want to be with you, he's made that clear. You've done all you could no matter what you tell yourself. You and your son have improved in more ways than you can even recognize since his toxic personality has been gone. Let him live his life without you, no matter what vows he made to you. Let go of the past little by little and keep looking forward, you'll make it one step at a time.

Think of it this way. If you're in your vehicle and you're looking mostly through the rearview mirror, you're bound to crash at some point. Don't do that to yourself. 

Purekalm

[Naughty Nibbler]

I'm back again, I can't control theses feelings. I am going to bed to try o sleep I want so much to contact her.
It is 39 weeks today and it's killing me to the point I don't even see the point in writing it down.

Hey In a Bad Way:   
39 weeks is a good accomplishment.   Things we may be tempted to do generally don't live up to what we imagine is possible.    What would you gain from texting her?  Look at possible positives versus the negatives.  Would you really want to sign up to repeat the past over and over again?

[Leelee1981]

I have found what helps me is to goto a note page on my phone and type what I would say... .
I get it all out and then just leave it... .
It doesn't go to them. But you can at least express how you feel and get it off your chest.
I've got a whole heap of unsent messages there and it does help.

Sometimes it's easy to forget what they do... .I wrote a list   and when I am feeling soft or like I will break nc I read that too!  

[In a bad way]

Another night of wanting to contact her... .

[Naughty Nibbler]

Another night of wanting to contact her... .

You have continued to be successful - GOOD JOB!
You can make it through another night.  What can you do to take your mind off the situation?

A new game?

How about some mediation?  I recently discovered a truly free app for meditation called Insight Timer.  Lots of great options, even some to help you sleep.

Find an exercise video, maybe some Yoga to relax

Listen to your favorite go-to music for when you need to lift your mood

Plan something fun, a Saturday adventure, weekend adventure or vacation

Think how much  better you will feel, after a successful evening. 

[TallulahBlue]

Another night of wanting to contact her... .

When I was in this phase I wrote down all the reasons I should not contact her, and made myself promise myself I would read them over and wait at least a week. If a week is too much tell yourself 48 hours, then another 48 hours.

The truth is it just causes more pain. It's extra horrible too when we crack and contact them and then they don't care or treat you like crap, and they are extra prone to do that when we are looking 'weak' by having initiated.

[TallulahBlue]

I just grabbed my old journal. Here is my list, from November, of things to remember when I wanted to contact her:

1. A cat is going to meow. She is going to behave like she always behaves. This is not about me but about her. This is who she is. Reasoning with her will be fruitless and invalidating. On the facts of what happened between us, I rely on my own conclusions.

2. Do not prolong the agony. Indulging in contact without a material change in circumstances is unwise and will bring me pain.

3. Yes, this is how we ended up. Oh well, I tried. She is not a love but a lesson. She now seeks to have me engage in her 'rat droppings' phase in search of the faded glow of real connection. She has vanished that.

4. "I am out of f*cks to give." This is a good mantra.

5. "Even if I love you, I would cross the road to avoid you." ~ Uma Thurman

6. Regret =/= remorse. Remorse requires empathy. She will not offer me remorse for her behaviour, and I would desert my own self to re-engage with her without that.

7. She is not being my lover, and she is not being my friend. Proceed according to the present, not the past.

8. Anything I'd like to tell her, I have told her. I love her - she knows. I'd continue with consistency - she knows. I'm moving on - she knows. We had something amazing - she knows what we had.

9. She is not a soft place to land.

10. Love = a deepening of trust, respect and connection. This is not that. Wait for that, give your energy to that.

11. Beyond the drama, there are a lot of things to not like or respect about her.

12. It is okay to still miss her. She was dear to me. I knew her intimately, and she knew me. But she is not good for me, she is not good *to* me, and that is that.

13. Let her fade, let her fade, let her fade. It is about caring for myself and minimizing my own pain at this point.

I hope those are of help to you.

[Sadly]

These are so good. Thank you.
Love from
Sadly x

[Lucky Jim]

Nice list, TB!  I enjoyed it.  I like #10 a lot -- so true.  Thanks, LJ

[TallulahBlue]

I'm glad you both enjoyed it. This is a hard thing to go through, this part where you want to be in contact but you know it will lead to no good. <3

[earlyL]

This list is hugely helpful TB. Thank you. All so true.

In a bad way - you have done so well at 39 weeks, that is an incredible achievement. Keep strong.

[In a bad way]

I saw her mother in the pub as I said she won't talk to me but I haven't tried to talk to her because she hates me.
I am so close to sending a message to my ex.

[In a bad way]

Too late I've done it.

Probably get the cops knocking on the door.

[Idsrvt2]

I really hope that the cops don't knock on your door,   My x got a protection order on me after I got upset on texts after we broke up and I also threatened to report him to his work.  I'm new here and just posted my story.
Just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone ... .my x is my mailman still... so I could easily walk outside and see him any day of the week and break the order.

Just offering up some support

Too late I've done it.

Probably get the cops knocking on the door.

[heartandwhole]

Too late I've done it.

Probably get the cops knocking on the door.

So, what happened, Iabw?

[In a bad way]

Nothing happened... .yet

I sent it on FB messenger because for some reason she showed up as active on it at the time, I've never noticed it before. This was after I had seen her daughter in the pub (the evil one which I won't go into), so we didn't speak, she was with her friend and her friends mum.
Also my ex used to be friends with her mum but were not friends on FB, I had becomes friends with the mum on Fb a couple of months earlier (known her for  a few years), a week after seeing the daughter my ex and my friend (the friends daughters mum) became friends on FB... .we have no mutual friends 'till that point ... .coincidence?
Anyway I'm obviously not blocked although I think she thinks she has whereas I am just unfriended hence I could send the message.
Now back to the point, the message I sent is marked as delivered but unread this could be for a number of reasons including the read reports are not always reliable... .
I have messages to people I know have read them but only say delivered.

So could be she deleted it without reading or she hasn't seen it or just not read it.
I would have thought if she was aware of it I would now be blocked.

Gone on a bit there sorry if it's hard to follow.