Okay, so I belong here...

[MandyS]

I was amazed when I put in ":)r. Jekel and Mr. Hyde into a search about six months ago and BPD came up and there was the story of the relationship I had been in for the last five years, including the shocking and damaging end.

I've been reading posts from the site and found many of them helpful. Without going into a lot of details I experienced a serious depression after the relationship ended. Actually, when it first ended I was sad and hurting but also relieved. When he chose to notify my closest friend on an important birthday of mine that he was already in a new relationship and very happy several weeks later, I really broke; couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, endless rage. I know that I was already cracked: my husband had died two years before the BFDbf and I'd lost a job that I had really loved and had devoted 26 years of my adult work life.

It has taken me a long time to recover and I'm mostly doing very well, a little depression lurking in the shadows sometimes, but have learned a lot about how to take care of myself. AND THEN I saw him for the first time in a year and a half this past weekend. Luckily I was with a good friend. He was of course with a woman. We exchanged very brief greeting and I swear I felt like I was in shock. My friend said that she had never seen anything like it; his staring as though he was trying to hook my soul. I was so glad to have not been alone and to have finally gotten over the first siting. What I've been left with over these last few days is feeling so damn stupid for having tried so hard to make that relationship work even tho it was damaging me to do so.

I feel like some adult part of me that knows how to defend myself when needed was not there. I want to do a ritual, and swear that I will never ever abandon myself ever again... .

[Mutt]

Hi MandyS,



I'm sorry to hear that. Depression is tough. It sounds like you went through a lot with job loss, death of a loved one and a break-up with a pwBPD  You're not alone.

I can see how you feel shock with running into your expwBPD after having not seen him for a yaer and half. You describe it well that these relationship break-ups are devestating. It is good to hear that you learned to take care of yourself.

I feel like some adult part of me that knows how to defend myself when needed was not there. I want to do a ritual, and swear that I will never ever abandon myself ever again... .

I don't understand. I think that you may mean boundaries when you say that you needed to defend yourself in the relationship?