Yes or no

[Allmessedup]

so since my partner is currently dysregulating I am biding time waiting for her to get to a space she can discuss things again.  But I was journaling today about boundaries and I am wondering what I can do about the yes doesn't mean yes sort of thing that goes on.  What kind of boundaries can I set as it confuses me.

For example.  Telling me I am always welcome at her house and to walk in,  then out of the blue I walk in and she flips.  So I don't walk in and knock instead and she gets very hurt that I don't feel it's my house too.

This happens so so so much about everything.   It's part of the push pull but I am wondering what boundaries I can set to protect myself from this behavior? 

It's not only about the house.  It's about most anything.  I have no problem with her changing her mind.  I just would like to know as I do not mind read.

Any suggestions?

Amu

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[vortex of confusion]

For example.  Telling me I am always welcome at her house and to walk in,  then out of the blue I walk in and she flips.  So I don't walk in and knock instead and she gets very hurt that I don't feel it's my house too.

That is a difficult one. It is her house and she can change the rules whenever she wants. I am wondering if you could find a possible third approach. With cell phones and the ease of texting, I wonder if you could send a text when you are on your way to her place and say, "Hey, I'll be there in a few." That is not uncommon. My husband and I tend to do that for each other even though this is both of our house. A lot of times, it is done in the context of, "I am on my way, do you need anything?" I wonder if something like that would work for you.

This happens so so so much about everything.   It's part of the push pull but I am wondering what boundaries I can set to protect myself from this behavior? 

I don't know that there is a way to fully protect yourself. I think it is important to figure out which issues are most important to you. There are some things that I try to let slide. Other things, not so much.

[Allmessedup]

Thanks vortex... .

The texting is a good idea. And usually that's how it ends up,

But it's many things... .

Hey feel free to do the dishes whenever you are here.  I appreciate it... .to you are controlling me

Hey, if I am asleep when you get here wake me up, I don't want to miss spending time with you... .what the heck did you wake me up... .you are so incredibly rude.

A lot of it stems from the whole fear of control thing... .but it also leaves me at a loss because all the rules change... .a lot.

And I never seem to get any warning beforehand.

[vortex of confusion]

A lot of it stems from the whole fear of control thing... .but it also leaves me at a loss because all the rules change... .a lot.

And I never seem to get any warning beforehand.

That is a tough one. It is the classic push/pull. I know that kind of thing has diminished greatly here. I am not sure how or when things changed. I don't think it was ONE thing that I did but rather a change of attitude and a change of approach on my part. I think it came from me reading the lessons and become more confident in myself.

And some of it is that I have slowly tried to become immune to some of the pissiness. Not sure how else to describe it. Sometimes, there isn't a right answer. I found that the more I did my thing and didn't get bugged when my husband would get upset at things, the less he seemed to get upset at things.

It has been a subtle shift that has happened over time. And, it had to start with me figuring out what I wanted and was willing to tolerate. Does your partner ever stop by to see you? Or, are you expected to stop by and visit? I found that as I evaluated my relationship with my partner, I saw how one sided things were. I was so busy worrying about whether or not I was doing things wrong that things had become one sided and I had lost my sense of self. I know it sounds completely unrelated to the issue that you have brought up. It is all related because that lack of sense of self is what kept me in that push/pull cycle.

I hope that makes sense. Do you see anything like that going on in your relationship?

[Allmessedup]

That's exactly it vortex.

It is very one sided.  Currently I am not even certain what prompted this dysregulation other than I have been out of town twice in five weeks.  Once was planned, once was when my grandfather passed.  The last argument was actually about the dishes but that has of course morphed into things I did in the past. 

The last thing she said was that she felt judged and that she "thinksshe is done"

My partner and I had a nasty break up last year and when we got back together I told her that if it happened again I would cut all contact next time and there would be no chance for a recycle.  I reiterated my boundary which she accepted earlier in the argument which is why I am getting the think part of that statement.

I know she is dysregulated and terrified right now.  I can be patient and wait for a time.  I responded that I was sorry she felt that way and that if she wanted to go she was of course free to do so.  Just to let me know. And haven't responded since

Things are very one sided around here.  She will not text first.  She does expect me to come there but that is because of some complications set my house.  She does her thing always and yes I am the one worrying about things.

Minding words, practicing set and trying hard not to jade.   But you are right, I am not holding on to myself.  Which is what I would like to change here when she calms down her emotions.

She way dysregulated currently.  So I am doing my own thing right now. 

I need to let go and just be I suppose.  And stop being so worried about everything.  If she wants something she can ask.  If not I can walk away if she starts to flip about me not doing so. 

It's so so so hard not to jade sometimes!

I can't set boundaries on her behavior or choices. But I can work harder at setting boundaries over what I will tolerate.  And quit apologizing for being myself.

I never mean 99% of what she says I do.  She interprets it that way.  So I think I need to get more secure in knowing I did/said what I thought was right for me?

[vortex of confusion]

It's so so so hard not to jade sometimes!

I know. The more you work on NOT doing it, the easier it gets. It is way better to get in trouble for saying nothing than it is to start JADEing and basically giving them all kinds of stuff to feed on.

I can't set boundaries on her behavior or choices. But I can work harder at setting boundaries over what I will tolerate.  And quit apologizing for being myself.

I never mean 99% of what she says I do.  She interprets it that way.  So I think I need to get more secure in knowing I did/said what I thought was right for me?

Exactly! Reading the lessons would be helpful too because they have stuff about understanding your partner's behavior as well as understanding your role in things. It is truly a process and it takes time. I have found it a lot more helpful to focus on ME and what I am doing and why I am getting caught up in a one sided relationship. It is good to have a basic understanding of BPD. I have found that focusing too much on understanding my husband distracted me from focusing on my on issues and it slowed down my ability to find ways to regain MY sense of self.

[Allmessedup]

Thanks vortex!

That's exactly correct.  I just give her more and more to feed on and twist.  Sigh.

I have been rereading a lot today and well we will just say I am a bit angry with her right now... .and honestly just very very tired of this.

She is dxBPD.   Went through years of therapy as a teen... .  She has the skills she needs here.  She has the coping skills.

And we talked about this at great length when we got back together.  However the old behaviors are reappearing ten fold.

I am certain she is incredibly triggered by my leaving for essentially 2 weeks this month... .heck I haven't even been home a week yet.  And I leave again in August this time out of the country.  Sigh.

Today I am just frusturated... .tired of the games and while intellectually I know it's not me... .it's just really hard to take.  I am lurking on the undecided  and detaching boards too.  Today I just am doubting my decision to stay

[vortex of confusion]

I am certain she is incredibly triggered by my leaving for essentially 2 weeks this month... .heck I haven't even been home a week yet.  And I leave again in August this time out of the country.  Sigh.

How often do you have to travel? I doubt that her being triggered by your leaving is going to change any time soon. That is something to seriously consider if you are going to stay in the relationship.

Today I am just frusturated... .tired of the games and while intellectually I know it's not me... .it's just really hard to take.  I am lurking on the undecided  and detaching boards too.  Today I just am doubting my decision to stay

What one knows to be true on an intellectual level is quite different from how one feels.   

Knowing that feelings do NOT equal facts is helpful because it allows me to sit with those really hard feelings of frustration, etc. I think it would be a good idea to post on those boards too. There are lessons on those boards as well that are really helpful too. I know when I found this place, I was all over the map about what I wanted to do about my relationship. Ultimately, I decided to stay because we have kids together.

What kinds of connections do you have to your partner that would make staying make sense? I don't want to tell you to run but it might be a good idea to realistically evaluate the decision to stay. If there are no kids, no shared assets, no shared finances, then what are your reasons for staying? I think it helps to think long and hard about that.

[Allmessedup]

Thanks vortex!

Usually I travel once a year, maybe twice.  I went to visit my sister and this past trip a week ago I went to say goodbye to my grandfather and attend the funeral.  In August my daughter leaves for college abroad and I am going with her to get her settled and know for myself she is safe:).   I don't travel for work... .but the things I travel (ed) for are pretty nonnegotiable.  She of course says she is 100% supportive of all of them.  But while she may want to be... .she really isn't.

We have no kids together... .we have zero shared assets... .no finances that are shared.  I found these boards shortly before she ran in January last year .   I spent a whole lot of time on the detaching board, and working the lessons. Spending a ton of time on the personal inventory board.  She left very shortly before my other daughters open heart surgery ( as soon as she knew it was going to be scheduled actually).  And showed back up just a few weeks after it was done.   She said she left because she didn't want to put more pressure on me during that difficult time.  Ummmm... .

Things had been going well since we got back together.  However more and more behaviors are reappearing as time passes.  My reason to stay?  Honestly I am not sure anymore.  I love her obviously and although I know she is Bpd I also know that she does have the skills to make our relationship successful.  However her therapy was years and years ago and she is sick physically as well.  Which worsens everything.  So perhaps not. 

I think you asked a hard question and one that deserves more consideration.  I made a ton of progress while we were apart.  But I thought by me working and doing the lessons we could be successful.  However now I wonder if that is the case.

Thanks for listening Vortex!

[vortex of confusion]

Things had been going well since we got back together.  However more and more behaviors are reappearing as time passes.  My reason to stay?  Honestly I am not sure anymore.  I love her obviously and although I know she is Bpd I also know that she does have the skills to make our relationship successful.  However her therapy was years and years ago and she is sick physically as well.  Which worsens everything.  So perhaps not. 

I laughed at parts of this because I have driven myself crazy with the whole, "I know he can do this." I have been in that place where I have thought, "I know he has the skills to do this." It doesn't matter what skills he/she has. It doesn't matter if he/she knows how to do something. If the other person lacks the motivation, then it just isn't going to happen. My husband has the skills to take out the trash. Does that mean that he will do it?

[Allmessedup]

Ahhh so so so true.  Good point!

She does not have the motivation.  I can't give her motivation.  She has to find that within herself.   When we got back together I was blunt and said I was not going to tolerate the extreme BPD behaviors.  That she was going to have to use her skills  and I would use mine.  But I have been still there, still putting up with the stuff so why on earth should she have motivation?

It's easier to revert to the old behaviors and coping skills.  Just as it's easier not to take out the trash. 

Good analogy vortex.

I think I shall do some thinking on this one.  In my brain she had 2 weeks before I was going to cut off any future contact.  I know she is terrified and needs time to get that under control but I refuse to live in a state of limbo for very long.   However I am thinking very hard on whether this is something I wish to continue or not.  And If I decide to stay I need to figure out exactly how to stop making it easy on her to revert to her old behaviors.

I suppose we will see what comes first:)