First Post - Need help and support with 32son living at home

[BpDdad61]

I have and adult child with BPD with Narcissistic tendencies... .I think.

He is 32 and currently living at home with my wife, my 16 year old son and myself.

My wife and I are looking for help, advise and strength! Help with living, coping and communicating with our BP son and help with our 16 year old son that is struggling with having his adult brother living at home and getting some of the attention that he needs.

BP son has had more obvious mental health issues since he and his 8 year old daughter's mother - relationship did not work out. He can not get over her (baby mom) and has bounced in and out of couple other relationships with 'like minded' people, always completely in love. But will always admit still loves baby mom and always will. Until she triggers him and she is the worst thing to ever walk the earth and a terrible mother to their daughter. Worse, she is a behavior therapist that works with autistic kids and can't/won't accept his diagnosis or just says there's nothing she can do. He begs her to learn about his illness and he does with us. We are trying after having our own issues coming to grips etc.

He was 'in love' with another girl last year, she had her own mental disorders and was on and off like our son. They went back and forth until she finally cut it off and he went into a rage. Spray painting messages about dying etc outside her work. She freaked and called baby mom... .she filed for child custody and the HELL began 100x worse than ever. He got arrested for stalking the other girl.

I sold some of his belongings and posted bail, he has been living with us since. 3 months+. Court order we have to supervise visitation with his daughter, was every Saturday, now every other weekend. It's crushing him and we have been close to giving up.

I know, this is just an intro... .trying to get it all out but there is too much!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi BPDdad61

Welcome and I’m just so glad you found us.  I can so relate to your post as there similarities to me. My son24 returned home to live with my husband, younger son 14 and I.  I’ve experienced some of the problems, particularly about how to cover your younger son’s needs. We love each and everyone and it’s hard to know what to do for the best for all of them. You obviously want the best for yours too.

My son is now 27 and moved out last Oct. He’s functioning but his personal relationships prove to be triggers. I really understand. Gratefully there’s no grandchildren involved and I can see how worried you both must be about your situation. It can be all consuming and emotionally exhausting.

There’s a lot you can do to help yourself and your family. I encourage you to read up about BPD (top right hand page), the information made me not react so much to him. The aim was for me not to be a trigger and I got to improving the environment at home - striving for a more relaxed and happy one. There were still problems though!  Arming yourself up with a toolkit of skills and techniques will help you immensely set better boundaries and limits. When my son is highly emotional he can’t hear me - I know how to better interact with him.

I got myself a plan to work towards - we just felt that even with a health disorder our adult son would have to find a life of his own and live independently. On benefits and unemployed or preferably functioning and working. Whatever - we could not in the longer term financially support him - we have our own lives and plans.  My younger son did have problems, I didn’t always get it right but you know, my family is stronger and happier despite the problems.

Is you son32 working and in any mental health treatment programme?

When did he return home?

I look forward to reading your posts

Lp

[wendydarling]

Hi BPDdad61

 

I'd like to join Lollypop and welcome you to the community. I'm sorry what you are dealing with, your sons relationships with loved ones have escalated and he's now at home, you say there is too much, take your good time - we are listening, we are here for you.

You say your son begs you to learn about his illness, this is encouraging if he's aware and accepting of his struggles, sounds like he's reaching out for help and support to find his way. Is he open to gaining treatment, under any kind of medical care?

My 29DD through treatment can better manage her emotional dysregulation, she wanted to get off the rollercoaster and understand why everything was so difficult, take back control of her life.

I hope you find comfort here, like I have, things can get better when we better understand our situation and make changes for ourselves to improve the relations by adopting the tools and lessons to your right  

Welcome again 

WDx

[BpDdad61]

Thanks for reaching out... .

He has been getting treatment through Kaiser. He went though an IOP (intensive outpatient treatment) and it seemed to help. Unfortunately, it ended and for the past couple weeks he has only seen a therapist twice, different people, he is frustrated. He has asked to be referred out so he can get regular help from one person. (got a text just now and has another appointment tomorrow and it was obvious he was happy)

He is highly intelligent, reads and researches endlessly. He can tell you so much about his illnesses it's mind blowing. BUT... .he is an ADDICT... .used to be opiates and pain meds. He has a back problem since teens and works in construction. For the past year or so he smokes synthetic meth crystals and takes over the counter Kratom. He will admit he has a problem one day and deny it the next. He stops (last week) and sleep for hours everyday... .be calm but drawn in and hardly come out of his room. Then something... .who knows what... .maybe his weekend "supervised" visitation with his daughter coming, baby mom did not tell him daughter was OK earlier in the week when she was having stomach pains and took her to ER. "No one treats me like an adult... .I am her co-parent and no one respects me!" By Friday, he had stolen money for gas and come back high.

Is he an ADDICT that found a mental illness to hide behind?
Does he have a mental illness that contributes to his addiction?

He goes to AA type meetings, sometimes... .admits he needs to get clean for his mental health to improve but ALSO denies it and says he needs to focus on one thing at a time. IF I steer him or push him that way 95% of the time he will resits.

We don't know what to believe he says... .he can be real open and is telling verifiable truths. Other things he tells us... .we don't know if he is manipulating us or not. We find out later the sometimes he was sometimes he wasn't sometimes we never know.

Slept good last night... .it's 10am, took an hour to get this done and I am tired already just writing this and thinking!

[BpDdad61]

I just sent him into rage... .his daughter is here on supervised visitation (by me and/or my wife). I would not go to the store to get him something he needs to fix his car, he is ‘stuck’ here with us literally and figuratively. Sent my younger son to store and BP son freaked. I can’t let him drive my truck, not insured, no license... .on bail etc. he screamed “why couldn’t I just take your truck... .rediculous, I’m treated like a child etc... .“ he is locked in his room and I am staying clear... .he gets anxious, depresssed, resentful when his daughter is here, he knows she will be leaving soon... .went from 50/50 agreed upon time with her never supervised to... .every other weekend supervised by us. Court orderred... .everyone is against him and out to undermine his everything... .

Her mom comes to get her in 2 hrs and he prob won’t even be able to face daughter before she leaves.

Help? Been trying SET  but def have not got enough help. Helps to just tell someone rather than only talk about it in my head

Thanks to anyone... .

[wendydarling]

Hi bpDdad61

You're right it helps to get it out here ... .its so easy to ruminate and feel stuck, here we can make progress.

Gee, that's a difficult day for you, yet another by the sounds of it, I'm so sorry. He dysregulated, I'd say the same in your position, no licence, insurance etc it's a no brainer... .there's a lot going on and he's feeling the consequences of his actions, he's feeling undermined, he's being called to account. Is this all recent the court order, supervised visitation arrangements? Bail - what's the expected outcome? Uncertainty?

My DD does not rage, she's a quiet BPD. Your son took himself off to his room to cool down, can be seen to be a positive in some situations, did he rage for long before he exited? SET, I'm wondering if he'd already started dysregulating at which point he maybe past the point of 'listening'.

A regular therapist who he can form a trusting relationship, someone who he feels 'gets him' will certainly help, is there any chance of that?  And yes if I steered or 'pushed' my DD she'd resist, like your son.

Reading the post you wrote this morning your son sounds like my DD looking for answers, help and understanding,  she's a big researcher like your son, this is a positive and to be encouraged, DD's finding the answers. It helped my DD knowing I was plugged in here learning too. What I learnt is the road to recovery is not linear, there are steps forwards, then what feels like backwards for many differing reasons, if they are doing their very best and feel understood and supported they'll keep fighting to move forwards, that is my personal experience.

Is he an ADDICT that found a mental illness to hide behind?
Does he have a mental illness that contributes to his addiction?

He goes to AA type meetings, sometimes... .admits he needs to get clean for his mental health to improve but ALSO denies it and says he needs to focus on one thing at a time. IF I steer him or push him that way 95% of the time he will resits.

My DD was heavily self medicating with alcohol by the time she reached crisis May 2015. She was on a 12+ month DBT waiting list, to begin with she attended a weekly drug counselling realising alcohol just adds to her emotional pain and troubles, 2 years on she's still very self aware it's her downfall, she is able to recognise when it's not a good time for her to socialise or if she does she has the choice to leave early or chose which social event is safe, she's managing her impulsive nature.

Borderline Personality - symptoms and dignostics sets out BPT and addiction.

I can understand your son saying he can only focus on one thing at a time ... .it's confusing there are SO many things to address - what I said to my DD when she hit crisis is we can get through this, I focused on building trust and confidence, let her lead the way at her own pace and that's taken buckets full of patience on my part. It's her responsibility to find her way. Our no1 focus was treatment, that's what worked for us. I'm not sure if this helps you.

It's small steps. How are you coping, that's a lot you are dealing with? Have you considered therapy, someone to help you work through this, many members here do as you'll see from the posts.

WDx

[Lollypop]

 
BPDdad61

Is he an ADDICT that found a mental illness to hide behind?
Does he have a mental illness that contributes to his addiction?

For us- yes and yes.

My son27 self medicates - opiates were a big  part of his life but he’s now reduced to skunk and he “says” he’s attempting to further reduce by using cbd oil. He’s always looking for the quick fix to his problems and he really struggles with addictive tendencies. I’ve left him to these choices - rightly or wrongly. As I see it he has to have the motivation to change.

Personally, my top priority for years was to get him to stop the drugs and I failed. He feels drugs help him and he’s rigid in that thought.

I got myself a plan and drugs wasn’t on my list. My plan helped me stay on track to my own objectives and it proved very handy in those times when I couldn’t see where I was going or even know why I was bothering. It’s hard to help somebody who looks like they aren’t helping themselves. He’d say one thing and do another.

My son resisted taking responsibility for himself. He’s like your son in that he researches and then uses arguments to suit his purpose. He lived in the here and now, he lived literally hour by hour. The switching and turning to justify was incredibly frustrating and painful too. Just as much as the stealing.

You’re not on your own. There are a lot on the forum that have these problems.

My son refused treatment and I’m so glad to hear your son is actively seeking help and support. You talked about him complaining  about not being treated like an adult. My son would slip into victim mode, flip over to persecutor in a flash. This is about steadying the ship and not reacting to either.

I learnt how to better interact. I used short statements because, yes, he could only think about one thing st a time. Very often, he couldn’t think at all because his head was so full of racing thoughts and emotions.

I’m just so sorry you’ve got such a tough situation at the moment.

WD says baby steps. Patience. She’s absolutely right about focussing on the core relationship to build trust and confidence.

LP