Losing hope for a life for any of us

[Dibdob59]

Hi

I posted on the thread 'lies, lies and d... more lies' but feel as suggested that I should start a new thread of my own.

Today is my/our 35th wedding anniversary. I am sitting alone downstairs, wishing I were anywhere else but here. Sick to my stomach with guilt that I ever allowed my beloved children to be brought up amongst the chaos which I now know is BPD but which the UK medical profession still have not named or treated as anything else but depression.

This is what I posted elsewhere yesterday:

"I agree with Vivek  that the 'loved ones' suffer as rage and anger have been occurring in our family for years.

I have been married to my H for 35 years and have only recently joined these boards and read about BPD. As a result I am convinced he is a uBPD. To my greater distress, a recent serious traumatic event appears to have severely triggered my adult son (29) and I am now also sure he is uBPD. My 32year old D agrees with my fears.My H and my S had a huge bust up on our front lawn this afternoon. H was exhibiting bizarre behaviour and then denying it and lying about what he had done (almost set fire to my uBPDS truck) which ended up stuck undriveable in the middle of the road. My uBPDH then decided to get in uBPDS other vehicle and use this to ram the truck off the road back into the driveway. Complete chaos then ensued with utterly foul language (F and C words which are never the norm in our house) being yelled. Absolutely awful, so embarrassing and my stomach is still churning 8 hours later. My GD7 was in the house although I hope she didn't understand or hear all of what went on.

I am at my wits end with the lying and raging. This disorder destroys families and my daughter and I are becoming increasingly unwell trying to cope with the pair of them. There is no reasoning with them at the time and little response after the event."

I have purchased numerous books including Valerie Porr's Overcoming BPD; When Hope Is Not Enough (Bon Dobbs); I Hate You Don't Leave Me; I Don't Have to Make Everything Better etc etc... .

I have signed up online for the NEABPD telephone course but had a reply it is not running at present.

I have emailed Anthony Bateman who has devised Mentalisation based therapy for BPD but he says there is nothing I our area

There is very little therapy/support through the NHS in the UK for BPD(where we live, make that none). If you pay to go privately there is no DBT but some support for CBT, although at £70 per hour, when we all need it and there is no money, it cannot be done. The psychotherapist at the local hospital also charges £275 for his time and I have been advised it is important to see him before the therapist.

Who needs the therapy most? We all do.  Four adults and two grandchildren, the maths speaks for itself. I struggle to pay the mortgage and utilities each month with a UBPD husband who works on and off.

I have just gone back to work having been off for 6 months - I have never been off for that period of time in my entire working life. The problem is also that both my daughter and I hold stressful, professional, demanding jobs and coping with chaos, drama and anger at home makes functioning impossible.

I am full of anger towards my UBPDH who behaved appallingly towards our uBPDS throughout his childhood and still does today. I want to scream at him "look, see what you have done. You have broken our beautiful, gentle, sensitive, loving boy. Cant you see?"

My H has not been as directly unpleasant towards our non BPDD but living with his behaviour has seriously damaged her.  H of course does not accept he has done anything wrong, it is everyone else's fault.

What hope is there?

D

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[vivekananda]

Hi dibdob, good to see you have your own thread 

You really are in a tough place. Yes, there is hope but we must beware of depression which saps our sense of hope. The first rule here is to take care of ourselves. Your family needs a 'balanced' mum but most importantly, you need to be able to care for yourself. It seems to me you have some challenging decisions and priorities to sort through. Our usual response is to try to help others, but in this case it seems to me, you are best served helping yourself. You are of no help to anyone if you are not on an even keel.

Yes there is hope, and it starts with us. Please forgive me for being blunt, but I would stop trying to find solutions for the others in your life. Before you can help them, you need to know what you can do to support them, and finding them a therapist that they don't want to see is not the answer.

here is a quick read that may help you see things a little differently:

Karpman Triangle

dibdob this is the start of another long journey and we are here with you on this one, every step of the way, if you want us.

please, let me know what you think about this.

sending you     

Vivek

[qcarolr]

dibdib59

So glad you have found us. It is so hard to hear 'take care of yourself first'. I too strive to find care for everyone in my family. My BPDDD27 has brief moments of self-awareness of her raging, cursing, threatening, distressed behaviors. Quickly it turns on someone else in blaming and she shifts the problems to someone else. Even when she pursues treatment, it lasts only one or two visits before the shift.

I have been struggling to let go of her, with help from my friends here at bpdfamily.com for quite some time. It took awhile to learn practices that ground me and help me focus on a better way. And then there is hope. I have had to make some tough decisions to put physical and emotional distance between me and DD (and her toxic friends). I also have grandchild in the house to shelter from the violence and chaos.

May I ask what keeps your grown children living in your home? This is often a first step - getting our kids to move out. So so so so hard to choose this path. Getting help with a T for me helped a lot. Help with validating that my feelings and needs are real and deserve to come first. As I make progress with myself, I have learned skills to build a new relationship with others in my life.

How can you get some support for yourself? We are here for you - keep coming back. What small things can you carve out in your daily activity that feel good? Even as simple as tea with a friend - no talking about family. A walk. A quiet drive in the country. What would give you a moments peace? Is there an activity outside the house with your gkids that would give you pleasure?

My DD lives with us sometimes - others she is with her homeless friends. She has lived homeless of and on for several years. It was hard at first - well I still do not sleep as well when she is gone. We have permanent custody of our gd8 since she was a babe. So hard to manage when DD here and out of control. Have T for gd too, since she was 4. She is getting good at naming her feelings, standing up for her needs (feels disrespectful at times but good for her to not be bullied).

It makes it so much harder with your H.

Will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

qcr    

[MammaMia]

Dibdob59

I am so very sorry to hear of your uBPD family issues.  I have been there with my uBPDexh.  We divorced in 1987 after 20 years of marriage... . but it was far too little ... . far too late.  The damage was done.

I regret to this day staying in the marriage and what it has done to both of our children.  Our son was 15 at the time of the divorce, and his sister was 17.  Son now 39 has full-blown dBPD.  His sister is 41, married with a family of her own.  She struggles with depression and anxiety, just like I do.

I wish I had a magic wand and could make the stress and frustration you feel go away.  But, that is not going to happen.  You are going to have to take control of your life.  It is hard for mothers and wives to stop being martyrs, but you must.  As you said, life is unhealthy for you and your daughter.  It is time to make your physical and emotional health THE major issue.  If uBPDh and uBPDs want to drive each other crazy, let them.  Make it known that you are done being a referee.  

Would it be financially feasible for you and your daughter to move out of the family home and into a flat of your own?   Since you are dealing with two adults with uBPD, you may need to consider what you can do to save yourselves.  You can no longer be responsible for the emotional health and wellbeing of your h and s.  35 years is long enough.  

You need to get out of the war zone and find peace.  Think about your options.  You and your daughter deserve better.

This website has been a wonderful source of information about BPD and a wonderful source of friendship and compassion.  We welcome you with open arms.  

[vivekananda]

Hi Dibdob,

I would be remiss if I didn't mention to you the other board here for those who live with a spouse or partner with BPD. There are many who have learned how to develop happy relationships with their chosen loved one. It is a different journey to the ones we parents tread. But the skills we apply in those relationships are, I believe, the same.

The link below is good for those in a relationship with someone with BPD:

Before You Can Make Things Better, You have To Stop Making Things Worse

If you wanted to talk amongst those who have a partner with BPD, their board is here:

Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner

This link is great for the family:

Family Guidelines

While the skills we learn are more or less the same, how we feel about our loved ones with BPD tends to be a bit different, I think.

Bpd is, as you know genetic in nature. So it is possible that more than one person in an immediate family has the disorder. Nonetheless, I feel it is helpful to point out a few other things. Where BPD exists, others without BPD but in the same family, also live. Those in a BPD family may not have BPD but may have the personality traits that go with BPD and may be difficult personalities without being actually BPD. A couple of these traits are self righteousness and self entitlement, two good examples. So it could be that your husband doesn't have BPD, but may have acquired/learnt these personality traits which are not helpful.

Also, a child who is BPD can trigger reactions in a parent that are most unhelpful, especially anger. Most parents who are unaware of their child's illness and who don't know the precise skills that are so helpful to us, are no paragons of virtue. As much as we may love our children, we experience the frustration and hurt and anger brought on by the behaviour child who is BPD. Without knowing the skills such as values based boundaries and validation, without practising mindfulness, we make the same mistakes that our children do (and we are not the ill ones!).

Finally, we have learnt here that like attracts like... . in time, as we work on ourselves, we recognise our own personality traits that are less than helpful. We recognise how we contribute to the BPD in our family's life. We begin to understand how hard it is to change.

If there is nothing else to learn here it is this 'prayer':

"Give me the strength to change what I can, to accept what I can't, and the grace to know the difference between the two."

What can you change Dibdob?

Cheers,

Vivek    

[Suzn]

Hello Dibdob

I'm so sorry to hear you had this upsetting event happen with your son and husband.   

I agree with Vivek , learning and practicing the tools here can be a life saver. You could run, and this isn't always the worst decision if you are needing a theraputic break, though your husband will still be your husband and your son will still be your son and it's likely you will still be in contact, is this correct?

If so, taking care of you first, finding ways to center yourself will be key to begin the work on learning the communication skills necessary to have a more successful relationship with both of them.

We are here for you. We will help you through these lessons. Did you get a chance to look over the links Vivek  provided?

[Dibdob59]

Hi

Thank you to everyone for their replies.

Vivek  - I had read The Karpman Triangle which is interesting and can see my changing roles.

I am aware that finding a therapist for others is not the answer if they don't want to go, which my husband definitely does not as he has always said there is nothing wrong with him (even though his ex employers have all felt differently and some have even told him so quite bluntly).

However at some level my son knows there is something wrong but feels he cannot be 'fixed' as he is past help (his words). Unfortunately he has been to our doctor in the past who just said he was depressed and gave him anti depressants. They pretty much ignored his behavioural problems and said it was just his depression (personality disorders seem to be generally disregarded and are seen as lack of character or poor self control, a really archaic attitude).

I have been trying to take care of myself and have been in therapy for the last 6 months. My daughter has been in therapy on and off for some time but has given up with it at present.  I wish I could say that either of us found therapy helped but in truth I am nit sure that it has.  The chaos around us has only escalated as my son has become older, the arguments with his father have intensified and his relationships with partners have fractured with all the ensuing dramas.

QCR - My son does not live at home but he has two children (each from a different long term relationship) and he has them together every other weekend.  We also see them during that weekend and it was during that visit that the recent blow up happened. It pretty much happens every time he and his father are together and has been that way for years. 

My daughter owns her own place which she is currently in the process of selling, but it is a long drawn out and complicated sale.  Her property is currently not habitable (issues with the property below hers being allowed by the owner to become derelict) and she has had to get the legal department of the local council involved to issue enforcement notices (it takes months/years). This means she has come back here for a time while this is resolved.

MammaMia - I know I have to get out of the war zone, my hope for this is all that keeps me going. However years of living with my H have resulted in serious debt issues due to his inability to manage money.  Our credit is shot (in the past I was stupid enough to co-sign for him, but I don't do that any more). This leaves me unable to get a credit reference for buying or even renting anywhere, even though I am the working professional and have been the one who has worked steadily all my life. As stated above, my daughter cannot move anywhere else at present as her finances are tied up with the problems of her property.

Vivek  - if I were to list all the truly horrendous things my H has done during our marriage I am sure anyone would feel he is definitely BPD.  I just didn't know what it was until I read this board and he ticks all the boxes. I have also read the other boards for partners and the horror stories of appalling behaviours.  My H's include unfaithfulness (denied), dishonesty/being arrested (he did not do it, people are out to get him), raging (this is my/the children's fault), damaging property (we made him lose his temper), leaving (for days) and returning when he feels like it, fights with neighbours - some of which were physical such as when he drove off with one neighbour's drunk wife for several hours and her husband understandably was unhappy about that. The list of craziness goes on and on.

Unfortunately when I repeatedly sought help from the medical profession it was seen as just strange behaviour on his part and once when I called the police during an incident it was suggested by them, in front of my H and the children, that I and the children live in the upstairs of the house and H use the downstairs and they drove off. There has been no support at all during these years.

I sound like a doormat but I can assure you I am not, I have fought with all my strength for my children and I to survive.  It has broken my heart to see my son develop this disorder having tried so hard to protect them from it.

My son has recently suffered a very unpleasant breakup of his second long term relationship (his partner was leaving the house every night, sleeping with another man, returning home the next morning and telling my son about what she had been up to whilst refusing to leave their home permanently).  The resulting breakup up has triggered some very unhealthy behaviours in him including binge drinking which makes him rage. He has rented a house and goes to work but is really not coping.  He has given up his old hobby of 4x4 driving and restoring trucks as he feels all the friends he had in the club (couples with children that he and his partner had together) have 'sided with her' (not sure if this is correct but it is how he feels) and he has started to mix with some old, pretty toxic friends from his school days who seem to do nothing but drink.

I have read the links you kindly posted and know that I have  which I am trying to work on. Boundaries, validation, mindfulness are part of my daily routine but I am sure I am not doing it well. I read books and websites/blogs and am trying to get to grips with this disorder but it feels so hopeless when I read of the treatments that are available in certain parts if the world when there is nothing here. There are also no support groups.

Suzn - you are right that running is a dream, as in reality it is not practical. Mobile phones make us too accessible and the dramas would continue by phone, text etc. Both my H and DS do this to my daughter and I while we are at work, at home and even during the night.

I am sure my DD and I are suffering from PTSD because things such as text alert sounds, phones ringing etc make us jump and feel sick with apprehension.

My son was always such a lovely boy but this disorder is gradually stealing him from us all.  My H was lost to it long ago I now fear.

My DD is struggling to buy into the whole BPD thing. Whilst I think she accepts it on a certain level, she also feels that it is making excuses for what they do and by not judging or challenging their behaviours it is perpetuating their 'using' of other people (they do have a massive sense of entitlement).

Thanks for responding, it does help

D

[MammaMia]

Dibdob59

I am so sorry for what you are going through.  :)o you have any family or friends who could help you, even temporarily?

Could you stay with your daughter until her home is sold?

I have been pretty much exactly where you are (except for the grandchildren).  Your life is in constant chaos and you must feel like a prisoner in your own home.  I know I did.  I used to leave for work and plan to get in my car and just drive and drive and drive.  I was never going back. Of course, I could not leave my children and I was not financially able to go for the same reasons you describe plus a huge amount of fear from my then h.  I too had a very demanding professional position in a medical facility.  My days there were spent trying to meet the sometimes outrageous and constant needs of others 10 hours a day every day.  My job and my kids kept me from losing my mind.  

To make a long story short, after years and years of emotional abuse, the night my h threw my 15 year old daughter across the room and threatened to kill us all was "the end".  I told him to get out or I would call the police.  I had had it.  After an 18 month separation (he returned home to live with his mother whom he hated) we divorced.  He was engaged to marry and for that reason finally agreed to terminate our marriage. The happiest day of my life was the day our divorce was final.  I was damaged goods, but I was free after 20 years of marriage.

I was left with the wreckage he caused in all of our lives.  And it has been a struggle.  My son is also BPD,  There are days I look back and honestly do not know how I made it through those years.  But I did.  I hope and pray that the opportunity will arise for you to exit your situation.

I can honestly say life is good now.  I thank God for every day.  Please do not give up.

[js friend]

Please dont lose hope Dibdob,  

Would your son consider seeing his Gp again.  I think some Gps dont have very good listening skills and we have to tell them what we really want. I also prefer to see certain gps over others because I feel  some are more thorough than others.

Perhaps it would it help if your son  wrote down what his concerns before making an appointment, and you could attend with him. It is never too late for him to get help if thats what he is asking for. If you still get no joy from your Gp have you considered contacting the charity Rethink or Mind. Rethink  offer support for those with a recognised mental heath problem and offer their service on a self referral.They also run support groups for carers.If they cant help im sure they wil point your son in the right direction.

I think you need a break from the contiued chaos Dibdob.I know feeling physically sick with anxiety everytime there is a text or your phone rings and it is a sure sign of stress. You need to get away for a while Dibdob if you can and switch off your phone when you are gone.  Are the any friends or relatives you can stay with even for a short amount of time?

When my dd was at her worse a few years ago I would  take off most weekends  to stay with friends. Most of the time I didint even feel like going but I knew I needed to get away from this terrible environment.I remember sobbing my heart out on the train on the way over to stay with a friend because my life was such a mess... I even chose the train rather than drive because I was really tempted to just pack up and leave.

I love my home, but it just wasnt home anymore and  things were just so bad... . I would cringe at work when colleagues would ask me if I had had a good weekend.   what could I say?

I think was  flight or fight stage. I just couldnt fight anymore at that stage. so leaving, although temporary was the next best thing. We all have to reach our own equilbruim again at some stage and mine was definitley of kilter then back then.So many years of anxiety, and continual battles with dd had built up and was definitley taking its tollI tried to hide it, but kept breaking down all over the place  

But gradually over time I began to spend more weekends at home time again and  things began to improve drastically once dd moved out. Looking back I have to say that was one of the worse periods in my life and I could hardly recognise myself.

Do what you can to do something for you Dibdob. An evening out with friends, a drink after work... . switching your phone off between certain hours, volunteering... . anything that works for you.

Do it for you Dibdob  

[vivekananda]

Hi Dibdob, I am glad you are seeing a T. I don't expect that s/he could help improve the behaviour of others in the house, but I do hope that s/he could help you improve your coping skills. After living with BPD so much, we do lose our own focus and sense of control over our lives, it is so important for us to regain our sense of self and our control.

DBT is a sound treatment for BPD with positive results leading to total recovery for those who accept it. Couldn't your son go to the GP and say 'I want to be referred to a place to get Dialectical Behaviour Treatment? Perhaps he can research it a little for himself... .

Our own bottom line is to take care of ourselves (don't forget exercise  ) and to model the behaviour we would want others to show us, eg, acceptance.

Thinking of you Dibdob,

Vivek      

[Dibdob59]

Hi again

MammaMia

I have no family nearby.  Neither of my parents are living and although I have a sister she is seriously ill and lives hundreds of miles away, so that is not an option. 

Unfortunately, the reality of living in a family with serious behavioural and emotional issues has resulted in our having no friends as they have all gradually fallen away.  I never go out apart from shopping or for coffee and that is either alone or with my daughter.  My daughter finds herself in a similar situation and her last relationship was severely impacted upon by the embarrassment and drama caused by her father's behaviour. In fact her relationship fell apart because of it and her partner left.

We have become extremely isolated as a result of the chaos in our lives.

As I explained in my previous post, my daughter is currently living with me whilst the structural and legal problems of her own property are being dealt with. Her own home is currently not habitable so I cannot go and stay with her.

J's friend

I dont know if my son would see his GP again.  He has been several times before and is just given anti-depressants.  Unfortunately my son in a very bad place right now, I have never seen him like this.  He has become 'hardened' somehow, as if he truly believes he is evil and does not deserve to be well or happy.  It is heartbreaking to watch. 

I find it difficult to even know how to bring up the subject of his problems or suggest steps he may take.  It's as if I do not even know how to speak to my son - and we used to be so close. 

Vivek

Unfortunately even if my son were to ask for it there is no DBT here - I have already discussed this with the GP myself.

I agree that we lose focus on ourselves living with BPD loved ones. I know it is vital for my daughter and I to be healthy and take care of ourselves.  We try really hard to do so and then right in the middle of doing just that another drama will erupt and all our efforts are shattered.

I admire you for the calm and measured way you describe mindfulness, validation, boundaries, self-care, being non-judgemental etc.  I find it hard to achieve in daily life and I am meant to be the healthy one.  I think I am teeming with  .

Thanks everyone for your input.  I do not mean to sound negative, that is not who I am. I just feel so desperately sad for both of my beautiful grown children.

D

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Reality]

Dibdob59,

Your BPDs is still there.  His illness causes the chaos.  You are the adult, traumatized, isolated, yet still there. 

Baby steps with your son.  Say Hmmmmm... . what do you mean by that?  Validate his feelings.  His pain is beyond what we understand.  He doesn't know the way out.  He is doing the best he can. Talk with him.  Listen to his story.  Ask questions.  Validate how difficult his life has become.

Love your self.  Know that your feelings are valid as well.  Listen to your gut feelings.  Don't pay attention to people who are negative.  They are not worth thinking about.  Your situation is very difficult, but change is possible. 

PwBPD do recover.  Many people on this board have seen change, slow and yet steady.

Use your thinking skills.  Trust your intuition.  Trust your thinking.  Pay attention to yourself. 

You are an intelligent, articulate person. 

People here will listen and support you step by step.

We pull for each other.

Keep posting.

Reality

[FaithfulHope]

Dear Dibdob59,

I can almost feel the stress you are under with your words.   I am praying for you and your family.   Is there any way you and your daughter could maybe rent a small apt somewhere to get some peaceful space?  Is there a church organization that could help you perhaps?  I understand the isolation.   I find I have pulled away from those that just don't understand what I have been battling with my dd the past 4 years.   I have a few close friends and now I have this group that I gather great strength from.   I pray you and your daughter can find the peaceful space you need.     

[Dibdob59]

Hi Reality

Thank you for taking time to respond to my post.

I do believe my son is still there and know it from kind gestures he makes every now and then. This morning he made himself late for work when he found me in the local supermarket parking lot trying to fix a fuse in my car.

He just seems so shut down right now, his eyes are so empty for much of the time.  Following his relationship break up he has recently lost his partner, his home, his friends (this is his perception so is true to him) and now only sees his son twice a week.  This seems to have triggered him in a very negative way and I am afraid for him.  I am constantly surprised at how unpleasant some people can be - comments made about him on Facebook have been particularly spiteful.

You are right about baby steps and questioning what he means.  However he says so little at present.  He is in pain there is no doubt about it. It may sound strange but I can feel it radiating from him when I am with him. I actually feel it physically inside me.  I will aim to validate him when he speaks and will listen particularly carefully.

He is full of anger about how he has been treated by his now ex-partner and his friends.  His partner was having an affair with one of his friends initially behind his back and apparently everyone knew but didn't tell him.  She then progressed to leaving the house they and their 4 year old son shared together and spent each night with this man, returning in the mornings to share with my son the 'gory details' of what she had been doing.  I cannot imagine anything more hurtful that she could have done to someone with BPD. It ripped him apart. 

It is interesting you talk about trusting my intuition and myself.  I have stopped doing that as I feel I have done everything so wrong and that is why he is hurting.  Flawed thinking I know.  But I can't fix things for him.

I have talked about my situation more to people here in the last few weeks than I have ever done in my entire life to anyone else.  I know that I will find honesty, compassion, understanding and support here and am thankful for that.

I am aware of your situation having read many of the older posts, particularly those relating to sons with BPD.  There are no words that I can say that have not already been said. I will keep you in my prayers. 

D

[Dibdob59]

Hi Faithful Hope

Thank you for your suggestions and concern.  I am truly grateful for your prayers.

Unfortunately, financially we are unable to rent anywhere else.  My daughter is still paying the mortgage on the property she owns and is currently trying to sell.  There are legal complications as the property below hers has been allowed to become derelict.  This has caused problems with her property which now cannot be lived in at present.  She  is seeking legal support to deal with this problem.  Meanwhile all her money is tied up.

She and I talk about solutions to our situation pretty much all the time.  Even my T said that, although she rarely felt it appropriate to comment on solutions, even she had could not see a clear pathway out of the current situation we are in.

Are you in the USA?  Here in the UK the church does not seem to offer the groups or support that I read about so much on this board.  Apart from that, we live in a rural, isolated part of the country and there is very little of anything.  It is beautiful to look at though, which does give me some peace in my soul.

D

[FaithfulHope]

Yes Dibdob I am in the USA.   I am sorry the church cannot be of help.   In the US there are shelters for women in abusive relationships... . nothing where you are?

If not, then hopefully your daughter can sell soon and then the two of you can find your peaceful place.  I know with my dd, I can handle her illness so much better when we are not physically living together.   I am sure this is painful for her but it is the best I can do.   I know deep down she knows its true but I am sure she also feels its abandonment.   I struggle with that but I also have to factor in the whole family and not just think about her as I have done pretty much from age 8 to 19.   

When she was 19, she is now 21, we had an incident where she cashed a check on us that was supposed to come to us (not the first time either) and it was the straw that broke the camels back for me.  In my mind, something snapped and I said to myself, 'That's it, I can't do this anymore'.  I finally realized that no matter how hard I try to help her, the only way she will get better is if she helps herself.   Somehow that one incident just opened my eyes after soo many years of trying to 'save' her.   At that one moment it all became clear that I was focused on the wrong thing... . I had to focus on the rest of this family that I was always putting on the back burner.   

I literally decided at that moment, 'We are getting a dog!".   May sound silly but I just thought... . what is the one thing that would make the four of us happy?   And I thought, how about a puppy?   To be honest, getting that puppy was a great therapy for me.    We chose an English Bulldog and they are very high maintenance and so I spend a great deal of time with her (and now also the rescue Bulldog we got in December 2012!).   They are my babies and I can take care of them and they appreciate my efforts.  They provide such joy for the four of us!   Even my dd adores them when she visits.   

I guess what I am trying to get at is that it is ok for you to do whatever you need to take care of yourself.  I struggled for so long with guilt over making our dd move out.   But it is truly better for the family unit to deal with her when we have boundaries.   Sending you prayers and hugs for peace!

[Dibdob59]

FaithfulHope

I understand your reaction to your daughter and the check, it is the betrayal and shattering of the bond of trust.  We all have a line that cannot be crossed, that thought frightens me and I wonder how I will handle what may yet be to come.

So strange that your dogs are a source of comfort for you.  We also have two rescue dogs, a Boxer and a Great Dane.  My happiest moments come from talking to them, walking them in the fields or simply laying with them in their dog bed!

It sounds dreadful but I often feel that I prefer animals to people as they love us unconditionally and neither of my dogs has ever screamed abuse at me!

Sounds an awful thing to say I know. 

D

[MammaMia]

Dibdob abd Faith

I hear ya!  I have 4 cats. They are my fur babies... . family.  I understand the statement about preferring the company of animals to people.  My mother used to say that all the time.  It all boils down to unconditional love... .

I love my children, of course, but my fur babies provide peace, comfort, and they are the best talk therapists I have ever known.  Maybe people babies and fur babies balance each other out? 

[vivekananda]

... . I have 4 cats. They are my fur babies... . family.  ... .

so cute.

In my carers group a mother said she had just bought a puppy. She recommended it to all we mothers as a way we can release all our 'pent up mother love' that we are unable to show our children for fear of upsetting them. I reckon that's another way of saying that these pets are able to meet our own emotional need to be loved and to show love and affection. Our pets need us and they do offer us unconditional love. I wish I had a puppy, but it hasn't been possible ... . yet!

Dibdob, I recall when I was first here and the talk was of self care and how to do it. Of course there is our learning about and practice of mindfulness and compassion, a slow steady journey of learning for all of us. But there are other ways to stay connected with ourselves too. Everyone talks about the benefits of meditation when practised over a long period of time. I try to build in a practice on a regular basis - still working on it. I do yoga, thank goodness it exists just for me! I try to walk - have had a 'bad attitude' for about 6mths (coincided with winter  ) which I am coming out of and working on walking daily. Reading books is a wonderful escape. Anyway, when I walked I would open myself to the energy of the universe and become immersed in the natural world around me and gain strength and peace of mind. I 'practised' walking meditation, or mindfulness - being totally in the present. Since you live in a beautiful part of the world, I would consider that one good way to care for yourself. Do you walk? Is your health a priority for you?

If you lie with dogs, you get up with     what a metaphor eh?

sending you and your dd love and strength - also through you for your dh and ds.

Vivek        

[FaithfulHope]

Adding to what Vivek  said about taking walks... .    That is another thing I gained from getting our first dog.   I began to go outside more... . for obvious reasons, ha ha.   I find such joy going out first thing in the morning with our dogs when the world is still quiet and just breathing in the air and seeing the sun come up.   We live in the suburbs and our home backs up to woods so we have just a beautiful environment that I was missing prior to the dogs.   

So yes, that might be another way to care for yourself.   It's not selfish because the more we care for ourselves the better we can love and support our pwBPD.

 

[Reality]

Yes, walking is a time-tried human accomplishment, movement.  When we lost our Will, I started a Walk for Will, walking whenever you need or it strikes your fancy or because you must.  Every day, come h... . or high water, out I go, rain or shine, crying or not.  I figure I am helping the poor disconnected world understand grief, no lies, no cover-up.

Then I return home and check off the Walk for Will card, making note of my action.

In Ireland, at an ancient friary where the monks walked the beautiful cloister and studied and learned together, I was struck with the wisdom of the times.  I thought of the pilgrimages, which were truly long walks to places of rest and making-new.  Then I thought... . those clever monks were really the original DBTers.  Mindfulness, community, nutrition (fish diet and plants), study and engaging of the mind, kindness, quiet, very slow steps, not to mention beauty of buildings and of locale.  Then I learned of St Enda, who lived alone in a stone beehive hut near a holy well and I thought how brilliant she was in 600 AD or so.

I digress... . yet not.

Reality

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[vivekananda]

Reality 

   

[ucmeicu2]

hi, i'm not sure if anyone suggested this yet but if you google DBT you can find the entire course online for free at various sites.  not sure if i'm allowed to name them or post links here?

icu2

[MammaMia]

ucmeicu2

Thanks!  I did find DBT online.  I appreciate this very much.