Detaching with love...

[Spindle0516]

I am sorry for taking over the boards with so many questions lately. I have a question for those of you who have gone through the process of placing boundaries and changing the way you interact with your parents directly.

My husband recently shared that since we started this whole conversation with having my MIL move out, he is feeling traumatized himself. He said he keeps having vivid dreams of when she was admitted to the psych hospital that leave him really shaken when he awakes. He has also been dreaming that she ends up in a homeless shelter, or that she started physically attacking him and he didn't have a choice but to retaliate physically. The list goes on...

He has also been really sad and has been crying much more frequently than he usually does (which is almost never)

He continues to say that he believes we are making the right choices, but I know he is really struggling. I am sure so much of this is normal, but it doesn't take away his pain. I am just really curious about other people's experiences and what you found to be most helpful and supportive as you start to detach from your parents.

[Meridius]

Hi Spindle,

You're in the right place to ask questions.  Keep reading.

My Personality Disorder is my wife, so it's not exactly the same, but I did get some good advice about boundaries.  Please show this to your husband.  It's kind of a guy story.

My BPDw and I and my family had been planning an overseas family visit and she had an overdose just before and was hospitalised for weeks.  She had been really looking forward to it, but I didn't want to travel so close to an OD, without travel insurance and not knowing how she'd handle the stress.  So, my first big boundary was...she's not going.  I told her.

It was hard.  She was angry.  She argued.  I worried about how she would be home by herself while me and my kids (from first marriage) went overseas.  I had to set up other support people.  I did all I could.  And then we got on the plane without her.

A friend who has a lot of wisdom about boundaries congratulated me on the decision.   He said, "Meridius, it sounds like you've got a lot going on.  But that boundary is a clean one and that's good"

Then he said, "You're gonna feel some emotional afterburn.  You'll second guess yourself.  You'll have a carousel of emotions.  And that's normal and things will be alright."

Hope that helps.  If it doesn't, feel free to ignore it.

[edit: typo]

[pursuingJoy]

Spindle please keep sharing. Meridian, wow. Great story.

Setting even simple boundaries with his mom has been exceptionally painful for my H. This concept and the practice of actually setting limits is brand new to him. My H can't talk about his feelings. It's so hard to know how how to help. I wish we could get our guys together

It seems to help when I stay centered, whether MIL is crying, H overcompensated out of guilt, or they they pull me in to make me feel guilty. I don't apologize for sticking to my boundary.

I'm curious to know from others in our husbands' shoes who and what helped them get through this season. Good question.  

[Harri]

Hi Spindle!  Please don't apologize for posting questions.  It is why this board exists!  No questions = no posts = no board. 

It seems to help when I stay centered, whether MIL is crying, H overcompensated out of guilt, or they they pull me in to make me feel guilty. I don't apologize for sticking to my boundary.

This.  This was and is the best thing anyone can do for me when I am feeling lost or anxious.  That and being told my emotional upset was normal and a good thing as it meant I was changing not just on an action and cognitive level but also an emotional one. 

Then he said, "You're gonna feel some emotional afterburn.  You'll second guess yourself.  You'll have a carousel of emotions.  And that's normal and things will be alright."

This too!  Thanks for sharing this and for stopping by here Meridus.  The emotional reactions your husband is having are a sign of healing and a sign that there are some deep and neglected hurts that need to be looked at and worked on.  He is making progress.  That after burn (love that word) that Meridus talks about comes from changing our conditioned behaviors.   Doing so will trigger a lot of emotions, memories and thoughts that have been either pushed away or dulled over decades. 

He may be in the first stage of healing we talk about in our Survivors Guide or somewhere else.  Do you think he would be interested in reading it?  You could print it out for him.  Keep this place for you though.

Healing and changing patterns of behavior hurts and is uncomfortable (to put it mildly) and it is not going to feel good for a while.   It gets better.  Keep telling him that too.

Validating his feelings as you are, listening to him, normalizing what he is experiencing right now and staying centered really are the best things you can do for him.  He has to sit with his feelings.  I assume he has a lot built up and it will take time. 

I don't think you can take this pain away for him though I love that you want to.  It must be hard for you as well to see someone you love struggle so much so I am glad you are posting so we can support you as well.

 

[zachira]

Spindle,
There is no such thing as asking too many questions or posting too much. The members that post regularly for many years are the ones that usually recover from having a person close to them with BPD to the point that they can put the problems with a person with BPD behind them most of the time and move forward with a happy productive life most of the time. The biggest challenge with a person with BPD in my experience is that they dump the emotions that they are uncomfortable with on others, particularly their children. I was raised by a mother with BPD and have two siblings with BPD. I can only imagine how hard and painful it is for your husband to not feel guilty and sad about having to set strict boundaries with his mother, boundaries he would not have to set with a normal parent. My two brothers, one of whom has BPD, never married and were manipulated by my mother to be her caretakers. I am so glad your husband has you to support him with the challenges with his mother.

[Panda39]

He said he keeps having vivid dreams of when she was admitted to the psych hospital that leave him really shaken when he awakes. He has also been dreaming that she ends up in a homeless shelter, or that she started physically attacking him and he didn't have a choice but to retaliate physically.

I come at this from another angle... my partner's uBPDxw.  He had a lot of fears about leaving his wife, that she would not be able to take care of herself and become homeless etc. It was FOG.

When he voiced his concerns to his mom about his wife, she told him that his wife was just like a cat and would land on her feet.  And you know what she did.  In the last 10 years since their separation/divorce she has never starved and has never gone homeless or ended up in the hospital or jail.

I think your husband's dreams are him processing the situation, remember he has been raised by her and likely conditioned to respond in certain ways.  He is trying to change those old behaviors and it's hard and it's uncomfortable.  But his mom is an adult and she too will land on her feet. 

Interesting that his dreams include professional help for his mom...Psych Hospital, Homeless Shelter... Both are designed to help people.

Panda39

[Spindle0516]

Thank you everyone for the feedback. Your experiences are so affirming and help me support him in the best way possible.

Staying Centered & Grounded

For him, I think I have done a good job with this, but have definitely struggled in every aspect of dealing with his mom this week which makes it worse for him. H ended up in the ER and had unexpected surgery. I think she means to be supportive, but has been so inappropriate in the way she interacts with him, and is adding to his stress. He will be fine, but that is not what he needs while he heals.

Moments of Clarity

Moments like this do provide moments of clarity for him though. I am glad that he can see his mom should not be competing with him for attention and it helps him remember why we are making better choices for our health and future.

I like that phrase "emotional afterburn." It seems to describe my experience of watching him perfectly. He does so well in moments of tension, but goes through an rollercoaster of emotion afterward.

Missing old mom

I do think there is a huge part of him that is grieving. Aside from crying more than normal, I hear him say things a lot like, "I miss my old mom. She was always off, but the one that could still show up for me," or "I can't believe I don't really have a mom anymore and I have to be her parent." It is like watching him mourn her death except she is still very much alive. It is heartbreaking.

Survivors Guide

It is funny you mentioned this because I just noticed this the other day before the whole ER debacle, and forgot about it! I thought it might be a good tool for him so I think I'll download it for him to peruse at his own pace.

Thank you all for sharing your experiences. They continue to be some of the most comforting and affirming things as we navigate this whole situation.  

[Methuen]

"I can't believe I don't really have a mom anymore and I have to be her parent." It is like watching him mourn her death except she is still very much alive.

I relate to this.  I went through it about 6 months ago with my uBPD mom.  All I can say is I am coming out the other end, and it does get better, once you just accept it, and stop wanting what is never going to be.  Getting there is tough though -grief? yes.  Does it last forever?  No.  Gotta move forward with life in the present.

[Spindle0516]

So much is happening so fast, and my husband is just so, so sad and worried. And I totally understand that, I am too!

Some of what he is worried about comes down to logistics and the stress that comes with figuring a move out. But some of what he is worried about comes down to what his mom is feeling and thinking and his inability to soothe her. He didn't say that exactly, but this is what my observations are leading me to believe. He said he is worried that she is just so sad and it is breaking her heart. Everytime she cries or expresses even an appropriate level of sadness about this, I can see it crushes him and we kinda lose him for a chunk of the day. He is there, but his head is somewhere else.

We talked about the difference between being sad that this is a big change and it is hard and emotional vs feeling all his mom's sadness and grief for her.

Intellectually he understands this, but the heart takes forever to catch up? This concept feels so big- how do you train yourself not to feel every ounce of emotion that someone else feels when you've done it your entire life?

I'm guessing realizing you're doing it is the first step, but then what?