Signs of affection make me feel uncomfortable.

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I've been thinking a lot about this recently and I want to know if this is a common issue.
Paradoxically, I consider myself to be a very touchy-feely person but will feel very uncomfortable with most demonstrations of love that come from family members, even those I feel closest to.
It's worst when it comes to my uBPD mother- any time she reaches for a hug or strokes my hair I can't help but recoil. If anybody outside of my family were to seek this kind of closeness I excitedly invite it and welcome it, but when it's from my mum it just doesn't sit right. Even words of affirmation from her or declarations of positive feelings make me withdraw.

I've been thinking whether this might be because after having a big rage outburst, she will often switch into caring, vaguely remorseful attitudes, and I wonder if I associate her love with the aftermath of her violence.
Or maybe it is because I feel uncomfortable feeling vulnerable around her because I worry she will spot my Achilles heel and attack again.

It's interesting because I don't have this difficulty with vulnerability outside of my interactions with her. I am very open, very affectionate, and very keen on showing my vulnerable side, just as long as it's not near my mother, and even sometimes my sister who I am very close with.

Does anybody have similar experiences?

[TeaWithMilk]

I've been thinking a lot about this recently and I want to know if this is a common issue.
Paradoxically, I consider myself to be a very touchy-feely person but will feel very uncomfortable with most demonstrations of love that come from family members, even those I feel closest to.
It's worst when it comes to my uBPD mother- any time she reaches for a hug or strokes my hair I can't help but recoil. If anybody outside of my family were to seek this kind of closeness I excitedly invite it and welcome it, but when it's from my mum it just doesn't sit right. Even words of affirmation from her or declarations of positive feelings make me withdraw.

I've been thinking whether this might be because after having a big rage outburst, she will often switch into caring, vaguely remorseful attitudes, and I wonder if I associate her love with the aftermath of her violence.
Or maybe it is because I feel uncomfortable feeling vulnerable around her because I worry she will spot my Achilles heel and attack again.

It's interesting because I don't have this difficulty with vulnerability outside of my interactions with her. I am very open, very affectionate, and very keen on showing my vulnerable side, just as long as it's not near my mother, and even sometimes my sister who I am very close with.

Does anybody have similar experiences?

[Turkish]

Yes. 100%.

When I "rescued" my mother 3.5 years ago, she appreciated it (until she turned but that's another story). When she wanted to hug me, I recoiled. I desired no physical affection, not for the last 30 years. Interestingly, she had always been very affectionate with me as a child (in- between the smacking, spanking, throwing things and nastiness when she was in a mood).

I kind of felt badly... all I had left to give was listening and financial rescue. Physicality? No. I'm also a very affectionate, touchy person, and my kids mirror me. 

I also had issues with this in regards to their mom and how she would be hot and cold, but I was implicitly expected to ignore that.

[Methuen]

Yes, I also share this experience.

I think it comes from a lack of trust and authenticity.  Why would we want to hug someone who randomly and repeatedly attacks us?

The silver lining of Covid for me has been physical distancing and no more obligation for unauthentic hugs.

After my dad died,  my mom met a new “friend”.  When she brought us together to introduce us for the first time, she immediately said to us “now you two hug each other”.  She demanded two adults who were strangers hug each other.  Everyone in the room was stupefied.  She insisted.

Yes, hugging my mother is an obligation that doesn’t sit right with me either.   It’s not authentic, but what would happen if we didn’t comply, right?

[Panda39]

I don't have a BPD mom but did have a very controlling/critical mom that always favored my brother.  I was very uncomfortable hugging her, I didn't like it because I felt it was disingenuous. 

I remember visiting my maternal grandparents when I was very young (interestingly got along wonderfully with my mother's mother) and my grandmother picked me up and put me on her lap.  Even with her I sat straight up, didn't relax and cuddle with her.  She said something about my back being ram-rod straight.  I think I was distrustful and hyper-vigilant so I just sat at the ready...for what I don't completely know.

Panda39

[Amethyste]

We used to be very touchy feely growing up towards our mom's and she towards us but around my teenage years she cut ties with my older sister and whenever we told her we loved her or wanted a hug or show any kind of affection she would accuse us of being fake and that we would end up like our sister (my mom's then one who cut ties with my sister because she didn't agree with her life choices but somehow she thought she was the victim) she did this guilt thing for years so ever since I've never told her I loved her or anything and I feel very uncomfortable doing so even greeting her with kiss on the cheek make me feel weird. She once said to my other sister that I didn't like kissing her . Well yeah bu the blames on her.
But I feel wierd with signs of affection in general with anyone.

[slick707]

Totally feel the same here. I agree with the issue probably arises from lack of being genuine. I will gladly welcome a hug or be affectionate with others but when my mom goes to hug me, even after accomplishments or rescuing her (I'm still trying to work on the later), my whole body goes limp. Plus, I make sure to hug with only one arm. I count to see how many seconds have passed to make sure it appears as meaningful to her. It's a display of love to maintain some sort of superficial relationship at the very least.

[Taledo]

I completely understand this. I am very affectionate with my partner and my child, but not with my mum. I feel like she destroyed that after too many years of physically lashing out at me while having a rage and not caring when I'd cry because of how she treated me. I ended up putting an emotional wall up in my mid/late-20s (a decade ago). Now, if she tries to hug me to congratulate me for something or whatever the reason is, i just don't like it as all of my years of resentment, anger, and hurt come to the surface immediately.
I think it is a normal reaction after being put through so much by the person but it also feels weird to recoil because we aren't naturally programmed to do that from a mother's touch.

[Notwendy]

My BPD mother is rarely affectionate but if she does try to hug me, it feels uncomfortable.

Basically, it's because it is insincere. She's nice to me when she wants something. If she's acting nice to me I wonder "what is she up to now?". My mother doesn't do nice things for the sake of doing them. They have strings attatched. It's a manipulation.

I like affection in general, but I'm not completely comfortable with it. I have a hard time accepting that the person really means it. I know that this isn't true for everyone, but it's what I grew up with.

My own affection for others is sincere. I am affectionate with my own kids. I would say I am more comfortable giving affection than receiving it.

[Libra]

I do not recall my mother with BPD traits ever being physically affectionate, nor verbally, really.

I do remember her saying I would always cuddle with my dad and seek loads of attention from her sister and her mother when they were still alive.

It has left me with a clumsy, unnatural feeling when it comes to showing affection. A peck on the cheek or a hug as a greeting feel uncomfortable. My own kids are the big exception: we show a lot of affection, and it feels completely naturally. I sometimes even wonder if I'm not trying to catch up to something I missed out on as a kid. Weirdly enough my mum does show more affection to her grandchildren than I ever received.

Like Notwendy, I also feel a lot more comfortable giving affection than receiving it.