Hi dibdob
Goodness that's such a worry for you. I can see how difficult this situation is and, for what it's worth, I'd be feeling exactly the same.
My rule about problems in school was to nip them in the bud. If my child came out of school with an issue with a teacher I'd go straight in to talk it through rather than let my child worry overnight. Obviously it's too late for that approach and he's your grandchild, not you son.
Anyhow I got a text last night from my BPDS saying my GS is in trouble again at school and there is going to be a meeting involving the head teacher, my GS and "someone else". My son was clearly agitated. I asked him if he was the someone else and he said he was not and he did not know who the third person was.
It's a bit like Chinese whispers isn't it and so frustrating for you. No wonder your son is agitated but neither of you know the facts. It's so easy to come to the wrong conclusion. It's easily resolved by one of his parents going into school and politely asking. From what you've said GS's mother isn't interested in finding out. Left alone presumably the meeting will take place and it will soon become clearer to you all. .
I tried to gently tease further details from my BPDS but he was angry. He said the school is "crap" and his son needs to leave. My GS has been at the school for 4 years and is fairly settled there. My son is no longer with my GS mother and she lives five minutes from the school and does not drive. She will not want my GS to move schools and I can foresee arguments between my BPDs and his ex brewing over this, as blaming each other for my GS problems has happened in the past.
Your son is trying to protect his son and that's admirable. To be honest, this is their responsibility and beside raising your concerns to both of them I can't see what more you can do. It's easy to foretell the future with doom. Just because your son says he wants to move schools doesn't mean that it will happen. The school staff are used to dealing with conflict and once there's some communication going on things may quickly change.
I tried to validate in the text messages. I could not understand why there was an apparent important meeting taking place at the school involving an 8 year old child but no parent. My son kept repeating he would not contact them to find out what was going on as he was too angry and it was better for them that he does not speak to them.
This sounds like a wise choice by your son. It's not one that you wanted to hear and I can feel your frustration. Remembering where the responsibility lies, your son and his ex will learn from this situation. It's a potential meeting, the problem is that nobody knows what it's about. This will soon become clear and if the school does something in a manner that isn't supportive of your GS then that is a different story. Nothing's happened yet.
I am frustrated for my poor GS who needs a parent who can support him. I know it sounds judgemental but it's so unfair on my GS. According to the school they have tried to speak to his mother but she ignores the situation, so my son really needs to be there for his little boy.
I told my son that I understood his frustration with the school and agreed that they were not being clear. I asked if there was a special needs coordinator at the school who could give clarificatiin
Your GS has a dad that loves him and cares about him. It's not fair that your son has BPD and struggles with these challenges. Your GS is only 8 and there's going to be many more challenges as he grows up. You're doing exactly the right thing by trying to effectively parent your son so he learns from you. It may feel that your son isn't listening but he is, some of it gets through. By demonstrating to your son that you believe he can do this, that your are there to emotionally support him is a wonderful thing. You've given him good advice about the support co-ordinator, hopefully he'll remember.
reply said I was to stop being so understanding and trying to diffuse the situation. That it was normal for people to kick off when schools do something like this as it is not in his son's best interests. He said he will have something to say about it and my GS needs to leave the school anyway.
My DS says a lot of things when he's highly emotional. I take a lot of things with a pinch of salt. Your son wants action, he wants to protect his son, he wants the best for him. It sounds as if he wasn't feeling validating and he may have escalated. It's so very hard to try and reason when my DS is anxious, actually it can't be done. The only time he can listen is when he's calm so I validate and then wait, normally to the following few days. Then I try again.
Of course youre exhausted and feeling sad. Who wouldn't be? It's important to recognise that FOG, fear is my biggest problem. My mind rumbles around like a washing machine and I can leap from one terrible scenario to another. The potential meeting hasn't happened yet, nobody knows what it's about and it will become clear one way or another, it's important to try and stay in the present if you can.
Hugs to you.
Please let us know how it goes.
If you can give everybody a hug, particularly your gorgeous GS. We all are doing our very best, we can all try a little harder.
LP
