What my therapist said about the unending cruelty

[Tracy500]

It's been over two years since my BF told his now ex wife w/BPD that he wanted a divorce. He asked for the divorce; she didn't want it.  She painted him black and alienated the kids to him.  The kids now realize how much she lied about the situation.

On the rare (thankfully) occasions that the two of them communicate, she sends him nasty texts and emails. 

My question to my therapist was, "How can she sustain this nastiness?  It's been two years.  When I'm angry about something, I try to find a way to get over my anger as quickly as possible."

He said, "She plays all this stuff in her head all the time.  It’s always current.  It’s why she doesn’t get over it.  She plays everything out.  The same present context.  It always stays present.  It makes her justified in doing everything she does.  She never changes the narrative about him.  It makes everything continue to be his fault.  She has someone to blame.  It’s about not being accountable.  She has no responsibility.  It’s a perfect system for her." 

I asked, ":)oe she actually believe her own lies?"

"Yes.  She lies to herself and believes it." 

"So that’s why she’s able to go on and on saying how her new boyfriend (K) is so much better than D (my BF, her ex).  He’s clearly not, but she says she’s happier than ever.  And that's even though back in September of 2013 she begged D to 'date her and give her another chance' and that she knew her knew K was not the one for her." 

My therapist went on, "She lies about her BF for and to others.  For D, she portrays K as being the best thing in the world.  For others, she’s happier than she’s ever been.  In her heart of hearts, she knows differently.  She is unable to be satisfied with how things really are and she uses K as a prop.  She’ll realize that he can’t give her what she wants and will eventually start to treat him badly.  You can’t make sense of her reality and she can’t make sense of yours."

I summed it up.  "So in order to avoid the pain of looking at herself and her role in their marriage breaking up, she has to find a way to blame him.  She has to find a way to keep it fresh.  And in order to keep blaming him, she has to be able to continue to portray him as a SOB.  So she avoids looking at her painful past and the pain of realizing the mistakes she made by keeping that loop going.  She has to keep painting him black in order to justify in her mind continuing to treat him badly.  In her mind, he deserves all of her nastiness."

"Exactly!"  He responded.

I will never be able to make sense of her reality!

[DreamGirl]

I will never be able to make sense of her reality!

I feel like you just did, Tracy500.  

It makes sense when you say that the pain of accountability is too much to bear, so her rewriting the situation to absolve herself of any burden is her poor coping skill. I also believe that sometimes that anger is just more comfortable which is why it doesn't make sense to you (at all). Most of us don't like being angry or in crisis, it feels uncomfortable. It's why the pwBPD in my life creates chaos when there is none, she's trying to get back to what she knows.  

The hardest part is not taking the nastiness personally - because it's not about your BF.

How old are your stepkiddos?

[Tracy500]

It's really true.  I will never understand someone who has to keep the chaos going.  I mean, I understand that many people do that, I just don't understand why they'd want to.  I think it's what you say.  It's comfortable for them. 

His kids range in age from 14 - 26.  The ones who are closer to the him are the ones who can see the truth. There are a couple who are very close to their mother, so they don't get the whole story.  It's been interesting as the rest have gotten to know me. He and I decided that the best thing to do would be to not introduce me to them for a long time.  As they've slowly gotten to know me, they see that I'm not the home wrecking whore that their mother has portrayed me to be.  I'm sure it's a bit confusing to them. 

[livednlearned]

I have an N/BPDx husband, and he came to the conclusion that my BF is a pedophile.   His latest allegations are that I am offering up my son to this pedophile because I'm a gold digging whore looking for a wealthy patron.

I summed it up.  "So in order to avoid the pain of looking at herself and her role in their marriage breaking up, she has to find a way to blame him.  She has to find a way to keep it fresh.  And in order to keep blaming him, she has to be able to continue to portray him as a SOB.  So she avoids looking at her painful past and the pain of realizing the mistakes she made by keeping that loop going.  She has to keep painting him black in order to justify in her mind continuing to treat him badly.  In her mind, he deserves all of her nastiness."

I think this is really insightful, Tracy500. There are probably a lot of other triggers for her, too, because they have kids together. It's natural for parents to have difficult feelings about a new woman or man in the kids' lives, but pwBPD don't have a way to work through these feelings. Chaos ensues.

I've been divorced for three years and the BPD fury has not changed at all. N/BPDx lost all custody, and hasn't changed any of the behaviors that led to this loss for him. None of it is his fault, so nothing changes.

[red_caterpillar]

Tracy500,

I am a child of divorce and my mother I believe has BPD. I am 26 years old and at my then 2 year old son's birthday my dad her ex husband which they have not been married since I was 3, showed up late most likely to avoid contact with her. She saw that it upset me that he was late and she left the party early and stated calling and leaving voice mails for him and my step mother calling them every name in the book and telling my dad what a bad person he was for showing up late to his only grandson's birthday party and saying that he was never there for me as a kid and most likely bring up their complicated past. But she has never admitted that she has a problem she just keeps going over all the people that have hurt her in the past and the anger comes right back as if it was yesterday. I am just realizing how poisoned I have been against my own dad and building a relationship with him now knowing that my mom has been in the way all of these years is really hard to forgive her for. but for the most part my mom does left my dad alone but if any thing brings back any painful memories of him or she feels that he should be doing something for me she will start attacking him again. This disease untreated is very sad and disturbing! I hope things get better for you and your boyfriend and your both able to find some peace.

[sanemom]

red_caterpillar,

Stories like yours give me hope.  Right now my DSD16 believes the crazy lies her mom tells her about her dad…making herself to be the victim (BPD mom is not really someone who rages except in emails and texts).  We can't counter most of these because DSD doesn't tell us what crazy stories she is being told; we just know she is being told them by bits and pieces we get from her younger brother.  Soon the reunification therapist is going to tell her something about her BPD mom that will likely rock her world--her BPD mom has been making false criminal allegations against her father (and DSD will know that they aren't true) and getting people with power to believe that my DH is a criminal.  We aren't sure how DSD will take this news about the mom she has believed to be this sweet victim.

I DO hope she is able to repair the relationship with her dad and get past the lies her BPD mom has said about them.  He has desperately been asking for counseling with DSD for over a year, but BPD mom has blocked it in the legal system with her false allegations (which are just now about to come to light and be proven false).

But the OP is right--I DO believe that BPD mom believes these crazy lies to be true.  Why else would she be forced to leave my DH to raise her three preschool and toddler children?  She had to make a story to make herself feel better about abandoning her kids…unfortunately, her kids are pretty snowed by her story even though they are teens.  A part of them does believe that DH physically assaulted her, I am sure.  It's just sick.

[coraliesolange]

Tracy, maybe to help you understand a little better, the researchers think that most people with BPD were raised by parents with BPD.  So, for those of us raised by parents with BPD our childhoods were extremely chaotic.  And when things get quiet, you start to worry.  For a child in that kind of environment quiet is actually bad.  The calm before the storm, so to speak, and you know there's going to be a storm, but you don't know what's going to trigger it, when it's going to happen or exactly how it's going to unfold.  I've been through periods of time when I actually found chaos comforting myself because if everything is a ___storm you never have to wonder what might happen next.  I'm not excusing any behavior at all, just hoping to help you understand why chaos is can be more comforting for some people since it sounds like you thankfully weren't raised like that.

[Tracy500]

coraliesolange,

What you say makes sense and very thought provoking.  The dread of something happening is usually worse than the thing that actually happens so I can understand your point of view.  When my BF was in therapy before his divorce, his therapist referred to his and his wife's life as "crisis living."

Applying what you've said, it seems that she kept creating chaos and crises so that there wouldn't be the calm. 

Now that he has divorced her, he lives in peace.  She still maintains the chaos in her life.   

[livednlearned]

With my ex, it's like the feedback loop is broken. For most of us, it's:

I do something

You feel something

You do something

I feel something

With a pwBPD, it's:

You do something

I feel fear, fury, or nothing

My experience with N/BPDx is that he does not get the "I do something, you feel something" part. It's erased, or explained away, or denied, and that is baffling because it's plain as day that he did xyz. Everyone else, the feedback loop works. With him, the ball is not round, so it cannot roll.