Do pwBPD always know why they end things?

[heartandmind]

Hello everyone! Thank you so much for being here - this is my first post and I am finding this to be such a useful resource in such times of confusion and hurt.

My ex-girlfriend was diagnosed with BPD back in October, when we were still together (we broke up in April).

She had actually suggested the breakup since her mother had just died (she also had many other personal issues) and agreed that she couldn't be there for me in the ways that she wanted to (I had brought up how I had been feeling slighted and quite neglected, since I was).

We kept in touch for about a month and a half afterward, all extremely loving and bright - looking forward to our future together and so on - but once I asked to speak about the breakup to clear the air on my end (all good things and she knew it!), she disappeared on me completely. Three text messages over the course of a month and no answer.

Since then we ran into each other at a local pub and had a very intimate 20 minute interaction, with her reaching to hold my hand and she held me in her arms. She told me she loved and missed me and suggested we meet for dinner that weekend and bam - disappeared on me again. It's been about three weeks since.

She has not blocked me on any form of social media or changed her phone number. In other words, she has taken no action in ridding me from her life, which I do find quite strange given the circumstances.

I cannot explain to you how intimate our relationship was (though I'm sure some of you could relate) - we were each other's best friends, lovers, confidantes, and more.

There were certainly some warning signs throughout the relationship - when she first told me she loved me, she also told me that she "didn't know what to do with it" and didn't "understand what it was doing to her" - I never knew what that meant. She also told me multiple times that she had never pushed someone away so much and had them still be there for her - a sure sign that I was not the first person she has pushed away for "no" reason. Besides these points, the whole relationship was a series of push/pull events, her pulling me closer and closer only to push me away before pulling me back. She also always suggested that she had a lot of growing up to do before we get back together, but we always reunited to prematurely

When I asked her why she disappeared over text message multiple times back then, she didn't answer -- I was just wondering if pwBPD always do have answers. I have heard that some do not always know why they act the way they do and therefore cannot supply any form of closure or reason, since they might not even know themselves - is this true? Was anyone else cut off without any specific reason? Do they ever come out of it and return?

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[FallBack!Monster]

I was just wondering if pwBPD always do have answers. I have heard that some do not always know why they act the way they do  

I recently watched a video that may have explained it for me.  They are never excited about anyone or anything in life for too long.

[Xstang77]

They know what there doing when they do it,my ex would make excuses then tell me the truth about how she needed chaos and stability drives her crazy,I'd like to share a phrase that has stuck with me through all my research and seems true , they spend the rest of Their lives reenacting there own abandonment,which is so true always drama and a path of unnecessary destruction behind and Infront of them,another phrase I'm coming to terms with is this,the disorder always wins.

[FallBack!Monster]

I cannot explain to you how intimate our relationship was (though I'm sure some of you could relate) - we were each other's best friends, lovers, confidantes, and more.

Our relationship too was (extremely) intimate. I knew she wasn't use to intimate relationships. But its the only way for me.  The only way I know to express my feelings. I guess it was more than she could handle. But for the most part, she tried. Only god know what was actually brewing inside of her when she felt that close to you.

There were certainly some warning signs throughout the relationship - when she first told me she loved me, she also told me that she "didn't know what to do with it" and didn't "understand what it was doing to her"

Same here but some how, I understood what she meant.  Remember that what they see as love is much different than what a healthy adult sees as love. Your affection towards her probably felt safe and that is a scary feeling, even for some nons.

She also told me multiple times that she had never pushed someone away so much and had them still be there for her - a sure sign that I was not the first person she has pushed away for "no" reason.

There's always a reason for them. If not, they'll create a reason in their heads. So I hear.  It is a defense mechanism.

Besides these points, the whole relationship was a series of push/pull events, her pulling me closer and closer only to push me away before pulling me back. She also always suggested that she had a lot of growing up to do before we get back together, but we always reunited to prematurely.

Who cares if you did. Its how you felt at the time.  Some may not agree, but I always go with my feelings.  If I wanted to be with her, I did it.  I'm not sure if it was too prematurely or if I even care that it was. 

Had to comment again.

[HoneyB33]

I totally get wondering this. I still have no idea what "reason" my had to end things. I think the truth is that she ended things because I was trying to take care of myself and wasn't giving her excessive attention and "admiration" she somehow felt entitled to. But I know this because of where I stand. For her, I think she has no idea why she ended things. In her last discard of me I asked her why and several different questions, the only answer I got to every single one was, "I don't know". So I still have no idea why things "ended" from her point of view. The more I tried to understand the more she put lies on me and acted like some victim. Until she was telling me that I was controlling, abusive, mentally unstable, etc. I was so desperate to even understand what was going on, that I started to believe her. I think the very basic truth is that she saw how unhappy I was and that I would be over the relationship in a couple of months, so she tried to turn everything to make me feel wrong and bad about myself for being miserable and angry in the relationship--because it was all a reflection upon her that she couldn't handle.

I think we all look for a "valid" reason that things ended, but the hardest part is that we have to realize that this stuff happened to us because these people couldn't face themselves. There isn't always a "I was tired of this or that". From my experience my ex was like a toddler demanding attention, and would act out. The more she hurt me, the more she couldn't face me, so she cut and ran. Basically I was the one so hurt and wronged in the relationship, but SHE couldn't handle that. Somehow the more these people victimize you, the more they become a victim. It's maddening, because the more you fight for your own rights, the more you suffer. The more you try to stand up for yourself, the more you lose.

[FallBack!Monster]

 HoneyB33, that all sounds quite possible. I like the way you think.

[thisagain]

Welcome, jwhite! 

Yikes, running into your ex like that sounds intensely painful. How are you doing?

Most of us are very familiar with being given the silent treatment for no apparent reason. People with BPD tend toward knee-jerk reactions to whatever their emotion is in that moment. And their emotions can change dramatically, again sometimes for no apparent reason. Sometimes she probably gives the same reason for the breakup, and sometimes she might think something completely different.

What would it mean to you to know why she broke up with you? Are you hoping that you could change it or talk her out of it, so she'd come back?

I'm a naturally logical thinker so I understand the temptation... .if she says she's doing A because of B, and I can just prove that B is wrong, then she'll have to stop doing A. Unfortunately people with BPD are much more controlled by their unstable emotions, rather than logic.

[GreenEyedMonster]

I think that pwBPD leave, quite simply, because something their partner does makes them feel that the relationship is unstable or makes them feel emotionally unsafe.  This may or may not be warranted.  It may or may not be something particular that they can explain to you.

As for there being a "legitimate" reason for a breakup, reasons like this are frequently not seen as "legitimate" by both parties.  For example, the last guy I stopped seeing couldn't curtail his swearing and crude humor in front of my family.  I was embarrassed by his socially tone-deaf behavior.  He didn't see a problem with anything he did and said that he wouldn't change.  Obviously he didn't think my reason was "legitimate."  However, I'm an only child and I rely on the generosity of my cousins to be included in family activities.  If I marry someone they think is a jerk, I jeopardize my ability to spend holidays with family in the future.  "Legitimate" is in the eye of the beholder.

I think that pwBPD need a lot more attention and dedication in a relationship than most partners are willing to offer.  We all offered our partners what we thought was reasonable or appropriate, but it wasn't enough for them.  As independent adults, they have the right to terminate a relationship that is not meeting those needs.  Sorry folks, but you don't get to determine if your efforts were enough for someone else.  You may conclude that they are being unreasonable, but if you didn't meet their needs, they don't have some kind of obligation to stick with you either.  If you are a very independent person with many interests and commitments, and a relationship ends up being more of a side dish in your life, it's likely that the pwBPD didn't feel safe with you.  You didn't seem attached enough.  This isn't a matter of "fault" but of incompatibility -- someone who wants to be independent is incompatible with someone who is a more dependent partner.  No one is to blame for this.  It just doesn't work.

Your feelings for the other person are not always the point.  If those feelings are not expressed in a way that is meaningful to the other person, they aren't going to help the relationship.

[pjstock42]

In my experience, my ex had no real reason to end things and especially no reason to do so in the callous and destructive manner that she did but I think the key work here is REAL.

It doesn't seem real because there is no compassion or empathy behind it yet if I dig deeper, I know exactly why she did it. Basically, I was no longer a viable utility for her, we also were out of the 'honeymoon' phase and she got bored. I moved out far out of my way to live somewhere right next to her new job because I wanted to be supportive and and help her embark on her new career. About a month in, she got another job somewhere else (she is never able to commit to anything) and that is when the discard happened - because now she wanted to live closer to that job and not live up to the obligations of the lease that she co-signed with me. She had the audacity in an email after abandoning me here to say that she was "bored living out there", when I am the one who picked up my life and moved to a random area because it benefited her.

She also clearly does not have the emotional maturity to be in a true long term relationship. There were so many red flags that I heard in the beginning and disregarded about this but basically she has a left a trail of destruction in her wake as she jumps from relationship to relationship about after a year in when the honeymoon phase ends and real commitment and compromise starts. She truly lives her life as if it's a movie, a relationship must have nonstop excitement and over the top romance for her to stay interested in it, as soon as this ends and the real bonding phase of the relationship starts, she just bolts and looks for the next exciting thing.

I don't know if I answered your question here or if I'm just ranting. Basically, I think that there are reasons for these discards but they are so coldhearted and immature that even the BPD person realizes this so to cover up for it, they paint you to black and act as if the relationship ended because of how much of a monster you are.

[heartandmind]

This isn't a matter of "fault" but of incompatibility -- someone who wants to be independent is incompatible with someone who is a more dependent partner.  No one is to blame for this.  It just doesn't work.

With all due respect, and I appreciate your response, while I cannot of course speak on other people's experiences, that was surely not mine. I would skip work to take care of her, run to her apartment at 4 AM at the drop of a hat because she felt "unsafe" - I gave up my entire life for her and didn't mind doing so. I wouldn't take back a second of it, even today. All she ever spoke about was how she never felt so cared for in her entire life by anyone else. My friends and family all scream at me for being too selfless of a lover, and I guess they are correct. It's still not something about myself that I would change.

The only thing I could not handle was her going off grid for a week at a time - it was unfair to pull me so close to only throw me away in times like those. Yes, she would always come back, and ten times harder, but imagine my concern in the interim. Perhaps she needed someone who could "handle" that - but I would argue someone who is completely okay and not worried with you leaving them by the week for no apparent rhyme or reason - especially given her personal problems and past - doesn't love you at all.

[GreenEyedMonster]

With all due respect, and I appreciate your response, while I cannot of course speak on other people's experiences, that was surely not mine.

My description is more of a reflection of what happens with abandonment fears.  There are also engulfment fears.  pwBPD leave because of a variety of fears.  I did mention that it was rare that anyone could meet the safety needs of a pwBPD.  My ex told me at one point that he'd trust me with his life.  Now he threatens me with restraining orders and says I'm coming after him.  Even if you appear to be "safe" at the beginning, something, perhaps an irrational fear, will undermine it with them.  That's why you can't win.  Whether the fear is rational or real is in the eye of the beholder.

[heartandmind]

Yikes, running into your ex like that sounds intensely painful. How are you doing?

I am doing quite better now, thank you, although my OCD doesn't allow me to easily accept a situation with no closure. I do hear though that it gets better with time  

I hear you on the fluctuations in emotions and moods - she would often love her friends then hate them, be living with me, then disappear for a week. None of these changes in emotion seemed to have any "real" weight or reason - just consistently in flux.

Of course I still love her, so having a reason would quell my mind, but unless she went back into intensive therapy, I'm not quite sure I could go through this again. Quite ironically, I love her way too much for that  

[heartandmind]

My description is more of a reflection of what happens with abandonment fears.  There are also engulfment fears.  pwBPD leave because of a variety of fears.  I did mention that it was rare that anyone could meet the safety needs of a pwBPD.  My ex told me at one point that he'd trust me with his life.  Now he threatens me with restraining orders and says I'm coming after him.  Even if you appear to be "safe" at the beginning, something, perhaps an irrational fear, will undermine it with them.  That's why you can't win.  Whether the fear is rational or real is in the eye of the beholder.

Ah, I understand. Thanks for clearing that up.

Fear of engulfment in this case could be very real - she is incredibly codependent in relationships (not just ours) and ended up overdosing after our first breakup (which she initiated). I always wondered if that set her off even more to avoid me altogether in order not to lose me again.

So many possibilities, and you are correct - you simply cannot win.

[heartandmind]

For her, I think she has no idea why she ended things. In her last discard of me I asked her why and several different questions, the only answer I got to every single one was, "I don't know". So I still have no idea why things "ended" from her point of view... .

I think we all look for a "valid" reason that things ended, but the hardest part is that we have to realize that this stuff happened to us because these people couldn't face themselves. There isn't always a "I was tired of this or that". From my experience my ex was like a toddler demanding attention, and would act out. The more she hurt me, the more she couldn't face me, so she cut and ran. Basically I was the one so hurt and wronged in the relationship, but SHE couldn't handle that. Somehow the more these people victimize you, the more they become a victim. It's maddening, because the more you fight for your own rights, the more you suffer. The more you try to stand up for yourself, the more you lose.

All of this mentioned rings very, very true to me. I've often found that others with BPD have a difficult time telling the truth about why the went NC or abandoned their partners because the reason itself isn't steeped in reality. How could you tell your partner that you left them because you were afraid they would leave, without them putting up a fight and so on?

"The more she hurt me, the more she couldn't face me, so she cut and ran. Basically I was the one so hurt and wronged in the relationship, but SHE couldn't handle that."
This as well. I think complexes of guilt run deep in some cases and it is a lot easier to run and avoid than they are to face.

[joeramabeme]

My ex told me at one point that he'd trust me with his life.  Now he threatens me with restraining orders and says I'm coming after him.  Even if you appear to be "safe" at the beginning, something, perhaps an irrational fear, will undermine it with them.  That's why you can't win.  Whether the fear is rational or real is in the eye of the beholder.   

I think your second point is a lot more accurate.  Why they leave has very little to do with compatibility and almost totally to do with fear.  In fact, the compatibility may be totally awesome and that would likely end up being a liability for the r/s.  

It is this point that many of us are so confused and even stuck about.  How could it have ended when xyz was so good. Well that is the point about BPD - intimacy is the problem!  It is like trying to take a shower without getting wet - good luck.

And part of the reason that we experience being idealized is because they believe that if only they can try harder by doing more, better, best etc. . . than a different outcome will ensue - they have no clue that it is actually THEIR actions that end the r/s.  

As another poster wrote; I would hardly say that they are making a choice - it is more like they are blindly replaying the same skipping notes on the record and hoping if they start from somewhere else on the vinyl that it won't skip at the same place again.

Pure insanity and we must learn that this - and not normal r/s dynamics - are what we are trying to understand.  

[Beach_Babe]

"I left because I had no choice. It was your fault. It's always your fault. I did nothing wrong, I am a victim poor me."

This is what they "know."

[FannyB]

Based on what my ex told me about previous relationships, and based on her actions towards me, I would say that she always had a rationale for ending a relationship. Sometimes those rationales would appear tenuous at best to a sane person, but they served the dual purpose of allowing her to walk away guilt free and play the victim card to boot. 

The real reason, IMO, was always emotional overload. Getting rid of the boyfriend would 'lighten the load' and make her feel better. 2 months after splitting from me she had a year off work on stress as she continued to drown after I was out of the picture.

I temporarily distracted her from herself. When that 'magical effect' started to wear off I had to go. Simple as that.


Fanny

[Sadly]

Hi
I ended us, however, he ended us. Dysregulated to a horrifying degree, even my breathing was a source of irritation and God forbid that I continued to make sure his life was warm loving and comfortable.
Deep inside he loves me, of that there is no doubt. And there lies the problem. The more he felt love for me the more afraid and angry he became. Classic. But he doesn't know this, can't articulate or contemplate any of this. It's his belief he ended it because I am to put several of his accusations into two "a nutter".
So in my case, no, he doesn't know, and would laugh his socks off if I tried explaining that one to him. It would just prove to him that I am indeed " a nutter"
Hi FannyB,
Hope you are well.

[GreenEyedMonster]

Based on what my ex told me about previous relationships, and based on her actions towards me, I would say that she always had a rationale for ending a relationship. Sometimes those rationales would appear tenuous at best to a sane person, but they served the dual purpose of allowing her to walk away guilt free and play the victim card to boot. 

The real reason, IMO, was always emotional overload. Getting rid of the boyfriend would 'lighten the load' and make her feel better. 2 months after splitting from me she had a year off work on stress as she continued to drown after I was out of the picture.

I think you've hit the nail on the head with emotional overload.  It's overload of good feelings, fear of losing the good feelings, fear of doing things wrong that push the partner away, fear of the partner finding something better . . . and on and on.  I suspect that pwBPD are extra-sensitive to their feelings and the feelings of others, so every little hiccup gets their full attention.

I raise the issue of compatibility because some people are better at assuaging these fears than others.  Many people on this site spend a lot of time talking about how they were the "perfect" partner to their pwBPD.  Clearly not, or you'd still be together.  (This is not to say that the needs of a pwBPD are reasonable or realistic -- almost no one in the world could meet them.)  Ultimately, you have to view it as incompatibility, whether caused by the BPD or not, or you will never move on.  Saying to yourself that this person just needs to see the light and see what a perfect partner you were is an exercise in futility.  You CAN'T be the perfect partner for a pwBPD.  Period.

My ex had major paranoia issues, and that's what broke us up.  Normal conflict immediately led him to conclude that I was leaving him, turning on him, picking a fight with him, etc.  He turned off his phone in the middle of a fight and I called him some 20-30 times in anger that he could just turn me off like that.  He concluded that I am a mentally deranged psycho stalker (he calls me that to friends) and broke up with me.  I was never "allowed" to lose my temper, behave out of anger, get frustrated, be disappointed with him, or ask him pointed questions about his behavior (regardless of how disrespectful it was).  All of those triggered his paranoia.

He was such a volatile person that it was inevitable I would trip over one of his fears.  We're incompatible because I can't be that perfect 24/7, that I always tiptoe around all of his fears.  Even toward the end of the relationship, I began to feel on edge all the time, knowing that inevitably I would trigger his paranoia.  The "perfect" partner for him is someone who never does.  I am not that person.  I say this to let myself be free, not to let him off the hook.

Do I hope that he will one day realize that I was a great girlfriend and miss me?  Sure, out of pride.  But we'd still be incompatible.

[FannyB]

Hi FannyB,
Hope you are well.

Hi Sadly (apologies for the threadjack!)

I'm fine and doing well - it does get better but for me it took being as long out of the relationship as I was in it to truly detach.

Can't PM you at the moment as I don't have that facility. Am following your story though and hoping you find the strength to break free from him. 

Fanny

[MapleBob]

When I asked her why she disappeared over text message multiple times back then, she didn't answer -- I was just wondering if pwBPD always do have answers. I have heard that some do not always know why they act the way they do and therefore cannot supply any form of closure or reason, since they might not even know themselves - is this true? Was anyone else cut off without any specific reason? Do they ever come out of it and return?

Here's my theory: pwBPD (or strong BPD traits) make great boyfriends/girlfriends (for a while), but they make terrible partners. The ability to be in an adult relationship is an adult skill, and pwBPD lack a solid understanding of themselves as adults (for any number of reasons - family of origin issues, abuse/abandonment, historical lack of accountability for their actions, etc.).

I'm sure that most of us dated in our teens and had certain relationships end for ridiculous reasons (someone was prettier, or one of their friends didn't like you, or they wanted to social climb, etc.) - it's very similar with a pwBPD. They feel everything strongly, so when they attach to someone it is *super* intense, but they lack the adult ability to "finish what they start" - they get into relationships not knowing how to do relationships. Adult relationships require accountability and commitment and paying it forward and compromise and sacrifice and give/take. They just don't have the skills to do those things.

So they do the equivalent of calling in sick to work when they're hungover - they just make up a vaguely acceptable reason to stay home, and they hope that nobody follows up. But of course we do follow up (because that's what adults do in relationships), and then they have to compound their lie with additional supporting lies that don't hold up under scrutiny until it gets so bad that it becomes your fault for mentioning it in the first place.

And maybe they'll eventually apologize, but the apology will feel hollow because they don't really mean it (or they don't understand why they did what they did in the first place, so it's a perfunctory apology), and maybe then they'll recycle you and try to sweep it all under the rug ... .until they next time they realize that they don't know how to do what you need/want them to do, and the cycle repeats.

[Sadly]

Also apologies for threadjack, thanks Fanny, hope all continues well for you   X

Hi Jw89

It's difficult to comprehend isn't it? I know a lot now about BPD and a lot about my ex. I tried to put myself in his head and got out pretty quickly I can tell you, awful lonely sad place to be, full of white noise.
I really believe he doesn't know, cannot answer the question why, not just about ending things but everything. How awful that must be for anyone. To hurt people over and over, to leave a wake of destruction and not know why but it can't possibly be their fault. The brain is an amazing thing, to be able to genuinely shut down reality to shield you from pain and yet invariably cause so much more.

Sadly x

[Indifferent28]

I would say most do not know.

My ex flat out told me "I don't have the answers for you." when i asked for a closure on our 5 year relationship, which she broke it off through text.
And she did seem genuinely confused, but not phased, by her sudden "switch". She described it as a "switch went off" as in, her outlook on me, and everything.
I suppose that is "painting black"

so yeah... .i do think its possible many of them really don't understand what is happening, and their lack of real remorse with it leads to them not really looking into why they may be behaving so strangely.
I guess its easier for them to think they just lost feelings rather than they have BPD.

[Sadly]

Hi Indie
I think your last paragraph is so true. Especially the show no remorse. It's all so bloody weird.
For instance. We split, 6 days NC I get vile hurtful cruel texts, it rocks my world and knocks me flat. Next day one one text. Apologies for last night! Today another text, " do you want to come watch some racing on TV and have a drink but only if you have a happy face. WHAT. It's not even as if he can't remember, it's all written down in texts. No remorse, if you hurt its your own fault basically. Deal with it.
It's all so bloody hard mate. Xx

[bunny4523]

Why they end things or why they say they end things?  I don't even know if they can keep it straight in their head.  The last thing that my exBPD kicked me out over was because I was a theif and stealing from him.  I increased our internet speed by $20 dollars/month and offered to pay entire cable bill moving forward .  Apparently "IT WAS HIS CONTRACT" and I had no right to do that.  Apparently living with him and being his fiance, I was not authorized to make purchases of $20 per month.  Gosh I bet he is glad he is rid of me, I'm such a pathetic and worthless person.  So stupid but even in that scenario as simple as it was, I questioned myself and had to play it back in my head.  Um he asked me to look into it for him and gave me the password like a month before.  But according to him, he never did that and I "hacked" into the account.  I will never forget the look in his face, like I just boiled his pet rabbit.  So intense and so infuriated and so disgusted with me.

Why I think he ended it?  In his mind, he knew the day was coming that I was going to figure him out and leave.  Abandon him. 

What a life to live... .Now my days are filled with hmmm... .what do we want for dinner ? where should we go camping this weekend?  look what the dog just did! and lots of laughter

Bunny

[bunny4523]

I think your last paragraph is so true. Especially the show no remorse. It's all so bloody weird.  

Sadly,

Part of the BPD disorder is that once the "emotion" is over, it's like it never happened to them.  It is super bizarre and very hard for the partner to deal with.  You should visit the board for partners trying to make it work.  They outline the steps to follow and how not to take it personal.  It's a lot of work and I'm not interested in that at all but it does help to see how their thought process work.  It's like having a 3 year old for life!

Bunny

[Indifferent28]

Hi Indie
I think your last paragraph is so true. Especially the show no remorse. It's all so bloody weird.
For instance. We split, 6 days NC I get vile hurtful cruel texts, it rocks my world and knocks me flat. Next day one one text. Apologies for last night! Today another text, " do you want to come watch some racing on TV and have a drink but only if you have a happy face. WHAT. It's not even as if he can't remember, it's all written down in texts. No remorse, if you hurt its your own fault basically. Deal with it.
It's all so bloody hard mate. Xx

It's weird, very weird. But look at what bunny just said. She said that when the emotion is over, it is like it never happened to them. Which seems to be very accurate.  It is like they forget we even exist, and don't speak to us. Then when they do, they expect us to act ok or they act like nothing odd is happening.

When my ex got her replacement, she was asking me why i was "acting weird to her" as if she didn't know... .And she seemed like she really was confused, as to why i'd be hurt over her dating even though she KNEW I loved her still. And the DAYS BEFORE they began to date, she had told me there might be a possibility of us in the future but couldn't be right now cause she "still had her guard up against me".

Your ex sounds like a back and forth nightmare. But they do tend to say things then if you ask them to repeat what they just said, they literally can't even remember what they said a minute before! Because they speak and do things THAT impulsively!

[HoneyB33]

This whole thread is like more healing balm to rub on these burns. Thanks to everyone's for all your insightful post. I often have tried to explain that my ex didn't have any real reason to break up with me. People generally saw this as not being able to accept rejection, which is very much NOT the point. This thread is very much reaffirming what I have been trying to explain to myself and others.

Also, all of you guys a brilliant. Seriously. High five to all of you for literally walking through insanity and excelling at reasoning where there literally was almost none.

[GreenEyedMonster]

And maybe they'll eventually apologize, but the apology will feel hollow because they don't really mean it (or they don't understand why they did what they did in the first place, so it's a perfunctory apology), and maybe then they'll recycle you and try to sweep it all under the rug ... .

I think you are right on, MapleBob.  

There are basically three reasons these relationships end:

1)  You trigger their abandonment fears so they must abandon you first.
2)  You trigger their engulfment fears so they bail to save their sense of self.
3)  What MapleBob so accurately outlined above -- they lose interest in you for the same reasons that a child loses interest in a toy.

Imagine a child who begs you for a dog . . . for weeks, months . . . and when they finally get it, they realize that the dog poops, and the poop must be cleaned up.  The child suddenly doesn't want the dog anymore.

Being in an adult relationship requires a person to handle unpleasant feelings and not bail on a commitment.  For example, my job requires me to deal with stress, people who strongly dislike me (colleagues and other stakeholders), people who are professionally competitive with me and undermine my goals, and people who evaluate me by standards I can never hope to meet.  None of these is fun, and if I were childish, I'd quit.  But as an adult, I have to look at the big picture of my income and my long-term goals and make a better decision.  The same thing goes for a relationship.  You have to deal with the other person being sick, impatient, struggling with his or her personal happiness, having a bad day, dealing with his or her own mental health issues, etc.  Most adults can tolerate a certain degree of this because they realize that the relationship has a positive value for them overall. But a pwBPD bails at the first sign that something is wrong.  They can't look past their own discomfort to understand why you might be struggling or need support during that struggle -- hence the infamous lack of empathy.  They can't see the long-term value of the relationship past a short-term challenge.

That was completely my experience with my ex.  Everything had to be sunshine and rainbows all the time, or he'd bail.  The idea of being there for me when it was not convenient for him, or helping me through my personal difficulties, absolutely repelled him.  It would be perfectly accurate to say that he was a fun boyfriend but a poor partner.

[schwing]

Hi jwhite89,

I cannot explain to you how intimate our relationship was (though I'm sure some of you could relate) - we were each other's best friends, lovers, confidantes, and more.

By my understanding of this disorder (which you can take with a grain of salt... .as I am not a professional), feelings of intimacy can be a big trigger for people with BPD (pwBPD).  I wonder if it was the intimate nature of your relationship which made things difficult for her, more than anything else.  I know this is counter-intuitive, because for the non, intimacy and closeness helps us feel more connected to our loved ones; it should strengthen our attachments.  But I think due to the nature of their disorder, for pwBPD feelings of intimacy lead to much scarier ones on which they then act out.  Very often, in my experience and also in the stories here in these forums, I've observed that it's after significant moments of intimacy and familiarity (i.e., family) that pwBPD act out.  And in my estimation, they act out on their *imagined* fear of abandonment.

There were certainly some warning signs throughout the relationship - when she first told me she loved me, she also told me that she "didn't know what to do with it" and didn't "understand what it was doing to her" - I never knew what that meant.

You didn't understand what her feelings of love was doing to her because her experience with these developing feelings was very different from your experience.  I was blind to how my exBPDgf was experiencing it because I was in love and I just assumed she felt the same way as I did.

She also told me multiple times that she had never pushed someone away so much and had them still be there for her - a sure sign that I was not the first person she has pushed away for "no" reason.

It was not for "no" reason.  But she couldn't explain why because I think she could barely face the truth behind why she was doing it.  I think for pwBPD, to accept that feeling "loved" was also making you feel crazy would indicate clearly that something is wrong with you.  But pwBPD have a very low tolerance of accepting that something is wrong with them; or when they do accept them -- they can discard/disconnect from these thoughts as a defense mechanism.  This is also why some pwBPD through projection often accuse us of wronging them, or of being disordered.

Besides these points, the whole relationship was a series of push/pull events, her pulling me closer and closer only to push me away before pulling me back. She also always suggested that she had a lot of growing up to do before we get back together, but we always reunited to prematurely  

As I see it, pwBPD *want* to form intimate/familial attachments.  In a sense their personality development has stalled because they have not yet formed attachments in the way nons have.  But as with every major attachment in their lives (up to this point) every time they get too close, their disorder kicks in and they run away to avoid facing the pain.  No doubt, her mother's passing, made it even more difficult for her to deal with these disordered feelings.

Since then we ran into each other at a local pub and had a very intimate 20 minute interaction, with her reaching to hold my hand and she held me in her arms. She told me she loved and missed me and suggested we meet for dinner that weekend and bam - disappeared on me again. It's been about three weeks since.

My interpretation of your interaction is that she doesn't quite understand her own dynamic yet.  On the one hand, when she is with you, she can see that you are sincere, that you bear no ill towards her.  But once you are *away* she is left with her disordered fear that you mean to abandon her.  And so she does her best to *avoid* this *imagined* abandonment but abandoning you first.  And this is why between the times that you interact, she treats you as if you do not exist.

I was just wondering if pwBPD always do have answers. I have heard that some do not always know why they act the way they do and therefore cannot supply any form of closure or reason, since they might not even know themselves - is this true? Was anyone else cut off without any specific reason? Do they ever come out of it and return?

My understanding is that they can sometime rationalize their inexplicable behaviors.  Even to the degree that they re-imagine their history.  Sometimes they will confront you with their distortion.  Sometimes they will discard it, if only for the moment.  Because it all hinges on how they are feeling at the time.  For their intimate relationships, their feelings dictates their reality.

Best wishes,

Schwing