Military mental health is a boundary for my husband-vent and request for advice

[Miriam88]

After a cycle of detachment I asked my husband to speak to me. My husband is in the military and has been training for the better part of 7 months. When he got on the phone I could tell that his defenses were up, so I was sure to be validating when I listened to him. I then explained to him that my experience of the past few months and his experience of the past few months have been very different. He went from saying that he wanted to work things through to saying that we are planning to separate in the second half of the summer. I told him that I love him very much and that his decision has left me heart broken. I went on to say that my reason for having this conversation with him was to get him to go back to the psychologist that he did an intake with at the behavioral health clinic on the post that we live on. Over the past year he had been very brave about reaching out for help and even met with three different clinicians before deciding that he could work with this psychologist.
 He answered my request by explaining the events that lead to his weekend long hospitalization a month ago. Not only did no one from his leadership have any contact with him while he was training, but he also was not getting paid the stipend that is meant to offset the cost of living away from home. This is a significant amount of money and the finance office at his duty station repeatedly denied the paperwork, so he just wasn't getting the money he needed. He went into the hospital the day he got notice that the pay paper work was denied the sixth time. Mind you, payment of this money is not subjective, it is in the official paperwork for the program that the unit pay the soldiers they send for training this compensation. This hospitalization happened about two weeks after my husband said that when he comes home he doesn't want it to be under the pretense that we are going to work on our marriage, but that we will end our marriage.
My husband and I had been seeing an LCSW as a couple. This person is not affiliated with the military and her office is in a neighboing town. During Covid-19 she became his therapist. Last week, she told my husband that she received a request for my husband's records from the military medical facility. My husband is  rightfully refusing to allow the release of his records to his employer. He told me that he now sees that his dear about seeking help from a military facility are true, if he seeks treatment there his records will be available for scrutiny by people in his leadership. He will have nonsense of confidentiality.  Now I understood why he can't go back to the psychologist at the behavioral health clinic.My husband is willing to go to counseling to deal with his issues, but he is not willing to do so when his bosses have access to all of his behavioral health records. I told him that I understand that going there doesn't feel safe for him.
When I asked him to make an appointment with the psychologist I told him that my request was for him to be healthier and happier in the future regardless of our shared future. Now I am not sure how to help him get there because it seems that the lack of confidentiality in military behavioral health clinics is a real impedement to his ability to work through what he calls his "demons" . Do any of you have advice?
 

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[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi Miriam88:
Sounds like you are in a tough situation.  I can hear that you want to help fix your husband and want the best for him. Reality is that the only person you can manage/fix is yourself.  

If you Google "mental health issues with military personnel", you will find that those who are honest about past mental health issues, won't make it into the military.  Also, mental fitness is a requirement to stay in the military.

I view mental health issues with those in the military as two categories:

1.  Those who have anxiety, depression or PTSD as a result of a tour of duty and combat situations.

2.  Those who have preexisting mental health issues, and were able to hide them during early evaluations and during some part of their service.

It seems that the lack of confidentiality in military behavioral health clinics is a real impediment to his ability to work through what he calls his "demons"  

I know that some people with mental health issues slip by and get into military service, but they shouldn't be there. They might keep their "demons" hidden for a period of time, but they will generally show up at some point.

Someone with emotional dysregulation shouldn't be involved with working with weapons. If he isn't someone who is deployed, and isn't involved with weapons and explosives at all, then perhaps it's not as alarming.  Difficult people get away with a lot of bad behaviors in private industry, but that isn't generally the case in a disciplined military environment.  Everyone is expected to take orders and be a team player.

In some ways, you could compare enlisted military personnel with someone employed with a police department.  The employer needs to know that an employee has serious mental health issues.  The employees with "demons" are the ones apt to use excess force and do something impulsive, when their emotions are out of control.

Anyway, this is just one opinion.  If your husband worked a routine job (not military), I'd support mental health confidentiality; but, he is in a high-risk environment.  If he isn't mentally fit for service, he may need to take some sort of leave or get a discharge.  I believe mental stability is a requirement for continuing service.  His "demons" will be hard to hide.

[GaGrl]

I agree. My husband was an Army officer who often had to testify on mental health issues with his soldiers -- and pre-existing vs. military PTSD was a factor.

One can get a great deal of military "forgiveness" by asking for help before issues can no longer be ignored.

[Miriam88]

Hi Miriam88:
Sounds like you are in a tough situation.  I can hear that you want to help fix your husband and want the best for him. Reality is that the only person you can manage/fix is yourself.  

If you Google "mental health issues with military personnel", you will find that those who are honest about past mental health issues, won't make it into the military.  Also, mental fitness is a requirement to stay in the military.

I view mental health issues with those in the military as two categories:

1.  Those who have anxiety, depression or PTSD as a result of a tour of duty and combat situations.

2.  Those who have preexisting mental health issues, and were able to hide them during early evaluations and during some part of their service.
I know that some people with mental health issues slip by and get into military service, but they shouldn't be there. They might keep their "demons" hidden for a period of time, but they will generally show up at some point.

Someone with emotional dysregulation shouldn't be involved with working with weapons. I

1-All soldiers have to train with weapons regardless of their jobs.
2- Many people that get into the military have preexisting mental health issues. With the current rates of obesity it is hard to find eligible recruits who can pass the PT test. Different branches of service offer waivers for people with mental health diagnoses upon recruitment. Soldiers can have mental health diagnoses as long as theiy can function on deployment without meds.

[Miriam88]

I agree. My husband was an Army officer who often had to testify on mental health issues with his soldiers -- and pre-existing vs. military PTSD was a factor.

One can get a great deal of military "forgiveness" by asking for help before issues can no longer be ignored.

He doesn't feel comfortable going for therapy with someone at a military facility.
He has repeatedly told me that he committed himself because he could not get any help with his pay issues. He was sent on training for months without TDY or separation pay that he was due.
After he spoke to his first sergeant about his issue the first sergeant realized that another soldier who had lost his promotable status because of the financial difficulty he got into as a result of having not been paid TDY and separation during the same training probably should have not lost p status. My husband is working for a very bad unit. His leadership did not check in on him at all for months while he was not paid. They were negligent.
I feel my husband has a right to confidentiality when accessing mental health care. He never had an issue while on duty. He is a
squared away soldier that handles responsibility well, but he needed to get paid.
Our relationship issues were not work related. But once the finance office for his unit kicked back his paperwork for the 6th time he felt hopeless and called 911 with an "anxiety attack". He chose to go to the military hospital instead of the off post hospital because he said he wanted his leadership to understand how stressed out he was. However, he went in on a Friday and the military hospital put him on suicide watch even though he was never suicidal and he had to stay until he could be assessed on Monday. The experience left him feeling that he would "rather die than call 911 again". The mental health care for soldiers in the military sucks.
I speak to a psychologist who told me that she has patients who are rape victims and I can tell that her care is not trauma informed. She is good at helping me to setting limits with my kids, so I continue to talk to her but I would not talk to her about trauma because she is not good at empathy. If I were one of the rape victims she counsels I would not feel comfortable. For this reason, because I want to speak to someone who is trauma informed, I contacted a therapist who I still have an open referral for from two years ago, at our last duty station in the same state. She is not connecting to the military and boy call I tell a difference. I know that they are not all bad but between our experience here and a previous experience at the military treat ment facility at the last duty station I would rather get services off post. For my husband, he does not feel comfortable going on post.This trauma informed therapist told me that for this reason, there are many mil members who pay out of pocket to see practicers at her office.That is not financially feasible for us right now.