Good book

[canttakemuchmore]

Someone here recommended a book called "High Conflict couples, a DBT guide to finding peace intimacy and validation". I must say, it is right on in describing what goes on in my relationship. If I can only get my wife to buy in to the idea of regulating her emotions and thinking of the desired consequences of her actions it could be amazing. Probably not going to happen but it is really explained clearly in this book what I've been saying for years which is that she wants closeness but instead does everything she can to prevent it from happening. Lots of good exercises and quotes from Thicht Naht Hahn. A great find for me from reading this forum.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[infjEpic]

Hi canttakemuchmore

Have you been able to put principles/lessons from the book into action?
Have they been successful?

[canttakemuchmore]

Well I tried to discuss some of the ideas and she blew up, insisting that she is working on her stuff and will not read or discuss anything related to her behavior. So that failed. I haven't tried it enough yet to know if a one sided approach will work.

[infjEpic]

Well I tried to discuss some of the ideas and she blew up, insisting that she is working on her stuff and will not read or discuss anything related to her behavior. So that failed. I haven't tried it enough yet to know if a one sided approach will work.

Yes, I know how you feel. It's demoralizing. Sorry to hear that.

Unfortunately, it takes only one person to change a relationship, but requires two to make a commitment to saving it.

I tried some of the suggestions, such as boundary setting. I found it made it worse:
A) Leave the room, try to establish boundaries - you are abandoning
B) Stay and argue, try to establish boundaries - you're bullying and controlling
C) Stay and ignore, try to establish boundaries - they will escalate until they achieve A or B, nothing infuriates a pwBPD (ime) quite as much as being ignored

I never found any solution. I came to the conclusion that if there was a solution besides DBT, people would have discovered it long before I was born.

I wish you the best of luck anyway canttakemuchmore!

[canttakemuchmore]

Yes, it is frustrating if they don't want to improve.  Boundary setting keeps things calmer but she really only feels better after a three day fight with her dragging concessions out of me at the end.  I am tired of doing that and won't anymore.  So, I'll try the ideas in this book and maybe it will help.  I'll post if it does.

[bananas2]

Canttake -
Sorry to read that she doesn't want to improve.
Please do post if the book suggestions help. TY.