Pushed into ending it

[Loosestrife]

My SO  keeps telling me how miserable they are in our r/s and questions whether or not we should be together constantly. I seem to be the sole trigger. I feel like I am being pushed to do the breaking up. I fear it has become too toxic with too many recycles. I don't know  if I have been replaced by someone new, but I suppose that's possible.

Any advice/input?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[an0ught]

Most pwBPD are sooner or later surrounded by a negative environment. It is a fundamental constant of the condition that pwBPd turn their environment against themselves. Often a radical change can help to escape temporarily and some pwBPD have made a habit out of that. Most partners with BPD here on the staying board as less prone to constant change but then suffer from being stuck with the mess they created. In the medium to long term both partners need to clean up and rebuild a positive environment. A first step is acknowledging that not all is good.

I feel like I am being pushed to do the breaking up.

Don't push against it as this is just invalidating and makes matters worse. Exploring and validating distress, conflict in the relationship is not an easy thing but it would be helpful.

[formflier]

I'm very interested in how you respond when these conversations come up?

Can you describe that for us.

Validation can be key here... .to  a point.   At some point... .it will start to wear you out and it becomes an issue that your partner should be discussing with their therapist... .and not their romantic partner.

Plus... .there is always the chance they they are "getting something" out of telling you these negative things... .something out of your reaction... .

Looking forward to seeing future posts from you... .

FF

[maxsterling]

How long have you been dealing with this kind of language?  I'm sorry you are dealing with this, as I deal with the same.  For awhile I could write it off as "she really loves me, she's just having a bad day."   But weeks after weeks of this kind of language - her telling me that I am making her depressed, how i am making her miserable, how she doesn't know why we are together, etc, and i start to feel like perhaps the best thing I could do for her is to ask her to leave.  Actually, she's been gone now for over two weeks on a vacation by herself, and all these emotions are finally catching up with me.  She now says she is ready to come home and misses me, but my guard is way up and I just know i can't jump right back into it. 

About all I can suggest is to find a little space to do some deep meditation and thinking.  Can you live like this if nothing changes?  Is there any reasonable thing you can do to to help your SO feel better about the r/s?  I know in my case I have finally concluded there is nothing I can do to help my SO feel more comfortable.  And I know there is no way I can continue like this much more unless things change.  I have been thinking about possible exit plans, but still want to take things day-to-day right now.

What other kind of behavior are you dealing with from your SO that is hard to deal with?  What percentage of the time do you consider "good" or "stable"?

[Loosestrife]

Anought- I tried to validate and was just told that me talking at all was a trigger.

FF- my SO left T and on a waiting list for a new one. I am not allowed to validate, just have to listen to how they can't cope with any discussion about the r/s or how I feel.

Max- it's got worse in the last couple of months. She tells me that being in a r/s with me is mking her depressed, anxious, , miserable, questions why we are together as we have no common ground, says I should leave/move on, etc... .

I really didn't want to, but I have felt like I had no other option but to end it as I can't carry on living like this. The percentage of good/stable is around 50% if I'm lucky and I can't see how it will improve. She told me every time we spoke that i was hurting her. She put the r/s into question a lot too, so I always felt on shakey ground.

L

[itgirl]

I crave consistency in my life.  I have a friend who is a T and he told me that consistency is so important and that is something my partner cant give me.  It appears your pwBPD also cant give you that.

hang in there.   

[formflier]

I am not allowed to validate, just have to listen to how they can't cope with any discussion about the r/s or how I feel.

Hmmm... very curious... .

What happens when you try to validate... .can you give an example... .a bit of word for word.

What happens if you grow tired of listening and go do something else... instead of listening to the negativity?

FF