Odds of her contacting me again-I keep asking... Driving me crazy

[EaglesJuju]

Is she likely to express herself more if I do?  When I texted her on Monday and she texted back, I could sense that she was watching her words(as I was) especially since I was coming from my heart.  It's so strange that I care about her as much as I do but I don't want to be consumed(or her to be consumed).  I think we are better, together.  She knows everything important about me.  All of the hidden pain.  I am starting to question whether she is just very emotional and doesn't have BPD.  Maybe it is the breakup in her marriage that is the cause of all of the emotional stuff.

Self-acceptance and self-awareness is something that should be solely for you. It is exploring who you are and what affects you. 

The uncertainty or walking on eggshells can be fear based. The fear of what will happen if you say something and how your partner will react. 

Emotional intimacy between partners is built on trust.  The more you trust someone, the more you are comfortable with sharing. 

Consumed by her as in engulfed?

I was having those emotions the month before the breakup.  I think that I have co-dependent traits.  Funny that I have worked on many of the co-dependency issues before without knowing the term co-dependent.  I have to work at being assertive at times.  I am really good around family and friends.  I am bold with women but with her I got anxiety and depressed more at the end.  I told her that I felt depressed once.  She asked if it was her.  I told her I didn't think so

The caveat to a person with BPD, BPD traits, or high emotional sensitivity is how you communicate with them.  As it was most likely innocuous, when she asked you if the depression was related to something she did and you replied you did not think so. It can be interpreted in a way that you most likely did not intend.  Do you think there were issues with miscommunication in your relationship?

Yes.  I am afraid that without her having the situation(divorce) settled, her emotions are all over the place.  Daily.  I have walled off some because of that.  Early on(in the first couple of months), she texted me and said that she couldn't see me anymore.  I texted back "no problem"  The next day she asked if she could see me again. Since then, I have been more closed.

For someone who is very sensitive to emotions and has a problem controlling/regulating them, something like a divorce can trigger dysregulation. A divorce can be stressful for anyone, but factor in high emotional sensitivity and it is another ball game. People who have these traits have a very hard time with their emotions. Emotions rule their lives and are erratic.  Have you had a chance to learn about BPD behaviors?

Therapists say that only about 5% of people end up being with someone long term if they were the first person they dated seriously after being separated.

I am not familiar with this empirical study or it's generalizability.

If you have a mindset that it is impossible or low probability, you are essentially setting the relationship up for failure. Do you think that this may be something that is happening?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[1minuteatatime]

The uncertainty or walking on eggshells can be fear based. The fear of what will happen if you say something and how your partner will react. 



It is completely illogical.  I had no fear or worries early on.  I say dumb things constantly.  She rolled with it more at first.  After a while, she told me that she was "highly sensitive".  I had never heard someone describe themselves this way.  She told me that I needed to temper my words more because they hurt her feelings.  Those first 8-9 months, I was myself.  Once I started getting deeper feelings, I both walled off and tried to temper my thoughts/words.  I tend to react to my partner.  Folks at work can tell when things are tougher.  Apparently, I wear my feelings on my sleeve without knowing it. 

Emotional intimacy between partners is built on trust.  The more you trust someone, the more you are comfortable with sharing. 



Consumed by her as in engulfed?  Yes.  Engulfment.  To the point where I felt that it affected work and home. 


The caveat to a person with BPD, BPD traits, or high emotional sensitivity is how you communicate with them.  As it was most likely innocuous, when she asked you if the depression was related to something she did and you replied you did not think so. It can be interpreted in a way that you most likely did not intend.  Do you think there were issues with miscommunication in your relationship?

Yes.  Our communication(on both ends) sucks.  Really sucks.

For someone who is very sensitive to emotions and has a problem controlling/regulating them, something like a divorce can trigger dysregulation. A divorce can be stressful for anyone, but factor in high emotional sensitivity and it is another ball game. People who have these traits have a very hard time with their emotions. Emotions rule their lives and are erratic.  Have you had a chance to learn about BPD behaviors?



Yes.  I thought that she was BPD and she hides it from everyone at work(and copes ok at work but seems to have conflict/issues at work)  Now, I am just not sure.  She is the roughest on her family.  Anyone really close.  She sleeps with her kids(I did, too) and has told me that she is a terrible person, terrible mom, told me that she is basically very ashamed of herself.  I know that none of us is perfect.  None of us will act well in all situations.  I taught her to play crazy 8's and we played the board game "Trouble".  She told me that she doesn't have the money to pay for camping trips like her kids go on with their dad. I told her that I make memories without spending tons of money all the time.  Memories are all we have.  Her kids played the games that we did with her.  She told me that they loved them.

Is giving her the board game and teaching games to play with her little ones a "fixing" behavior?  If so, I am guilty of it.

I think that she definitely has Body dysmorphic disorder.  She self loathes.  She seems to hate other's success.  She chased me quite a bit at first.  We had sex after 17 days.  It's weird, though.  She flirts with men and seems to love the attention but doesn't let them sleep with her.  She plays them.  She told me that she is so highly sexual that she won't let men in unless she feels safe(in so many words). 

If you have a mindset that it is impossible or low probability, you are essentially setting the relationship up for failure. Do you think that this may be something that is happening?

I actually don't think so(from my end).  I told my brother that I felt like our family was different in this way.  That since we typically lead, we can do things others cannot do.  My brother decided to marry his wife on day 3 of dating.  It was completely nuts.  He retorted that I had lived with him, and he could handle it.  I couldn't disagree with that logic.  He was not tough to live with.  He was 20 and she was 18(both in college with me at the time)  I warned him that it probably would not work.  That was almost 19 years ago.  They are still together.  I think my mindset was more around the bitterness I think she has.  I told her my fears and the bitterness concerns.  Early on she said, what if we only are together for a short time?  All true.  Most relationships don't last for 50 years... .[/quote]

[1minuteatatime]

Eagles-

Her last text to me(I haven't texted her and won't initiate, now) was:

"Before we go any further, my divorce needs to be finalized"

This was after I told her that I wanted to see her again, I missed her and I would truly listen to her feelings.

She self describes as a "highly sensitive" person.  

Do you think that she will contact me again?  If so, would you take her text at "face value" and that at that moment she was making an assumption that we would "go further" by saying what she said?

I am dating again and it is going ok.  I have much better success meeting in person than online.

I seriously want to try again.  She broke up with me the day before her 11th wedding anniversary.  I didn't know that until after the break.

[EaglesJuju]

She self describes as a "highly sensitive" person.  

If you want to rekindle a relationship with her this is something that you are going to have to accept. You cannot change the fact that she is highly sensitive, although you can change how you communicate with her and not react to her behavior.  Examining and working on why you react to her and "wall up" will help you on improving things if you rekindle the relationship.

I am dating again and it is going ok.  I have much better success meeting in person than online.

I seriously want to try again.  She broke up with me the day before her 11th wedding anniversary.  I didn't know that until after the break.

There seems to be a lot of ambivalence. Do you think that is something that you struggle with?

[1minuteatatime]

I am dating again and it is going ok.  I have much better success meeting in person than online.

I seriously want to try again.  She broke up with me the day before her 11th wedding anniversary.  I didn't know that until after the break.

There seems to be a lot of ambivalence. Do you think that is something that you struggle with?

No.  Not at all.  I have accepted the reality that she may not want to try again.  I think she does from her words and quick text response.  My only struggle is:  ":)o I wait?"  

I am not going to wait because she filed for divorce in September, 2014.  Representing herself.  She could be done by now.  Her actions to me are saying that she is not ready until that situation is resolved.

I understand that she cannot and will not be forced into anything with me.  That it is in her court.  That said I am completely committed to trying again.  I am actively reading "The High Conflict Couple".  I didn't appreciate the moments we had together enough.  I was more concerned about what may happen instead of enjoying the time and listening to her feelings.  

That said, I have very deep feelings for her.  I will accept what happens and be as prepared as possible if she does return.  

I am letting go of expectations that she will come back, mostly because I reached out to her(and that may have been the wrong move) on day 8 after she told me to never contact her again.  I don't feel mixed toward her.  Not one bit.  But... . I know that she may not want to get back together.  I know that having expectations is really unhealthy for me.  I know that me thinking about her possibly returning is not healthy for me at the moment.  

At the end, I was starting to fear her reactions.  Holding everything back out of a place of fear.  Part of dating again is realizing that this is all a choice.  I am not the "only" one for her or she the "only" one for me.  I want to be with her, though.  I have made a choice to better myself regardless.  

I have not been good at listening to feelings in any relationship.  Even work ones.  The book has helped at work, too.


Eagles-  Thank you so much for interacting with me on here.  It means a lot to me right now.  

I sat outside in the sun and smoked a cigar while reading the "High Conflict Couple".  Soaked up some rays.  My emotions go back and forth constantly.  Sleeping right, exercise and doing a few things helps me not ruminate as much.  Just the cigar time was nice.   Helped me understand that holding negative thoughts of her(her reactions, etc) is unhealthy for me.[/quote]
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