Hello Namma and a warm
How fortunate your GD14 is to have you in her life. You're taking the time and energy to reach out here, out of your love for her. And I think you're getting the big picture, too, that because you love your GD14, you want what's good for her, including positive relationships in the future -- which means modeling healthy relational dynamics for her now. Sounds like she isn't getting a great example from her mom, and I understand that pain (my H's kids' mom has many BPD type traits and behaviors).
Often, it's less
what we explicitly say (though there are times for that), and it's more "
how" we do communication, that helps kids in BPD families know that there is another way. I can't recommend enough that you check out our "Tools" tab up top (dark green bar) and look at the videos on
"Don't Be Invalidating" (validation in families) and
"Listen With Empathy". I just watched "Don't Be Invalidating" the other day and it had some great real life examples of typical conflicts in families (i.e., parent and teenage daughter), with what was invalidating and what would've been a better approach.
Maybe start there, and let us know what resonates with you?
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Does your GD14 live with you? Is her dad in her life?
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And I think for now, you're being wise not to bring up BPD, especially not to your daughter. While some persons with BPD traits/behaviors can hear a diagnosis from a neutral professional and benefit, family members are generally much too emotionally close to be able to say that and have it heard and processed healthily. It can be just as effective, especially for your GD14, to talk about behaviors and choices, motivations, outcomes of behaviors and choices, and different options, vs focusing on a label.