How to help my 14 yo granddaughter

[Namma]

I am writing for the first time on this site. I am a 78 yo grandmother of a lovely 14 yo girl whose mother, my daughter, has undiagnosed high functioning invisible  BPD, as did my ex-husband. I am trying to find if any of you have ideas how to help this wonderful job-BPD child who is hyper vigilant about her mother’s anger and anxious about possible outbursts in front of her friends while being enmeshed with her mother, because of the psychological abuse. How can I help her not to become conditioned that this anxiety and pain is not a condition of love. I am terrified that any romantic interests she develops will be with BPD type abuse, thus sentencing her to a life of such pain.

Thank you for any ideas you have. I have not mentioned “borderline personality” to them, and don’t know if I should.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Hello Namma and a warm

How fortunate your GD14 is to have you in her life. You're taking the time and energy to reach out here, out of your love for her. And I think you're getting the big picture, too, that because you love your GD14, you want what's good for her, including positive relationships in the future -- which means modeling healthy relational dynamics for her now. Sounds like she isn't getting a great example from her mom, and I understand that pain (my H's kids' mom has many BPD type traits and behaviors).

Often, it's less what we explicitly say (though there are times for that), and it's more "how" we do communication, that helps kids in BPD families know that there is another way. I can't recommend enough that you check out our "Tools" tab up top (dark green bar) and look at the videos on "Don't Be Invalidating" (validation in families) and "Listen With Empathy". I just watched "Don't Be Invalidating" the other day and it had some great real life examples of typical conflicts in families (i.e., parent and teenage daughter), with what was invalidating and what would've been a better approach.

Maybe start there, and let us know what resonates with you?

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Does your GD14 live with you? Is her dad in her life?

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And I think for now, you're being wise not to bring up BPD, especially not to your daughter. While some persons with BPD traits/behaviors can hear a diagnosis from a neutral professional and benefit, family members are generally much too emotionally close to be able to say that and have it heard and processed healthily. It can be just as effective, especially for your GD14, to talk about behaviors and choices, motivations, outcomes of behaviors and choices, and different options, vs focusing on a label.

[Notwendy]

My interpretation of your post is that your GD does not have BPD but her mother does.

Thank goodness this child has you to role model appropriate behaviors and give her unconditional love.

By age 14, I knew something was different about my BPD mother. At this point, I had been to friends' houses and knew their mothers and could see something was different. I didn't know what that was.

To tell or not to tell - My guess that if she  asks questions, she would benefit from counseling and letting the couselor answer her questions about her moter would a way for you to avoid triangulation with her mother.

Much of what she learns is not going to be through your words but your actions. If she feels safe and loved with you, that is a lot.