It is Over

[downandin]

Had a long talk with my wife last night, and she has clearly detached emotionally from me and the relationship.  I know this because I was able to tell her everything as far as how I have felt not loved and not cared for.  This would not have been possible in the past, because she would not have allowed it.  She did not even get angry last night.  I told her that if we could have had this conversation years ago, then we wouldn't have reached this point.  She said I never tried, but I did.  She would always get angry and end the conversation usually with an explosion.  It was obvious from last night that she has detached, because this anger was gone.  How?  I mean, I never thought that love was something that you could just turn off like a light switch.  Has she found my replacement?  I am in a really bad state and feel like I have no will to live left.  I'm not a suicidal person, I'm too big of a chicken. It just seems like this entire existence is so pointless that I really just don't want to continue.

I was at the most vulnerable point in my life when we met.  I had never been married and had lived at home with my mother until I was in my late 30s (difficult to admit, but who cares at this point).  My mother used me to fill an emotional void in her life, and I see that now too.  Anyway, my mom died in December of 2003 and I met my wife in 2004.  That time in between was the only time in my life that I have ever been alone, and I do not think I can survive being alone again.  After it became clear that it was over last night, I had a complete breakdown.  I am terrified.  Can anyone offer any little crumb of hope, because today I don't have any.

[Learning_curve74]

Hi downandin, sounds like it was a very emotional talk you had with your wife. Sorry to hear you are so down. Instead of blowing up at you, what did your wife say? Could it be that this is the first time you were able to fully explain how you felt to her and she withdrew because she felt ashamed that she didn't support you more? Have you been sensing something different in her mood or routine recently?

It's ok to be scared. It sounds like you've never been comfortable alone. You've been used to defining yourself in relation to your mother then your wife, so maybe losing them makes you feel adrift and unanchored?

If you don't mind me asking, what is scary for you about being alone? I know that I've felt bad about being alone too sometimes, it's not weird.

You are a unique human being the likes of which the universe never saw before nor will see again. There is value in that, but maybe you can't see it right now. Anyhow, best wishes to you and a hug because you deserve one. 

[downandin]

Hi downandin, sounds like it was a very emotional talk you had with your wife. Sorry to hear you are so down. Instead of blowing up at you, what did your wife say? Could it be that this is the first time you were able to fully explain how you felt to her and she withdrew because she felt ashamed that she didn't support you more? Have you been sensing something different in her mood or routine recently?

She was just cold and aloof and denied some things, but not entirely everything.  When I told her that I felt like I hadn't had an intimate connection with her in a long time, she said that I should be happy it is ending, then.  As far as differences in her, I've talked about it a lot in other posts, mostly on the 'Staying' board, but she has recently lost a substantial amount of weight and says she is feeling more self confidence than she has in years. 

If you don't mind me asking, what is scary for you about being alone?

As far as being alone.  I am an extreme introvert who does not make friends easily.  When I'm alone, I start feeling like I'm not just alone in my home, but 'all alone' and will never be happy and never find anyone to share life with.  I have really bad anxiety, and need to have people to talk to.  I hate the nights worst of all.  When my mother died and just before I met my wife, I was in the darkest place I've ever been.  I'm going to post a poem about how horrible it was.

[downandin]

This is a poem I wrote in 2004, just before I met my wife and the crushing loneliness and despair were so bad that I was miserable even when I was asleep. 

Depart my dreams

Please depart my dreams, foul sadness.

I have enough tears in light of day.

Let me taste again that sweet caress,

That takes my lonely soul away,

For just a little spell of sleep,

A respite from the blinding downpour,

That clouds the sun in murk so deep,

Its rays can’t reach me anymore.

Please go and give me peace, I say,

At least in times of dark and quiet.

I’ll make a pact, you take the day,

But please depart my dreams at night.

I want to hope and need to love,

And in my dreams I know I can,

Reach to touch those stars above,

Forget the child, become the man.

Why, may I ask, have you designed,

To take my very life from me?

Am I a sinking ship, consigned,

To slip beneath the swelling sea?

Can’t you be happy with the waking?

Must you also have the sleep?

I’ve offered conscious for the taking.

Subconscious, though, I beg to keep.

I beseech you, sadness, one last time,

To leave my sleeping bed alone.

As the hours on the clock do chime,

I ask but a third for my own.

And if you do not heed my call,

As midnight strikes the final rings,

You may, alas, find that all,

Of me has passed into those dreams.

jm 10-10-2004

[heartandwhole]

downandin,

I'm sorry that you are feeling so sad, although it's very understandable.    That feeling of aloneness can be devastating.  I know that when I feel that no one is there for me, it's very painful.

I think what I have been learning and what many of us need to learn is to be present for ourselves.  It's not automatic for me, I have to learn it.  We can soothe ourselves and be our best friend, which doesn't mean we won't have great relationships in our lives.  

If we can't take care of ourselves emotionally, how can we expect others to?

Hang in there, we are here for you.  There really is hope.  

And keep writing the beautiful poetry - it's healing!

[downandin]

Gotta go home now (if I even can call it that).  I don't check in here on the weekend, because I don't want her to know I come here.  I guess it doesn't really matter anymore.  Anyway, this should be a very difficult weekend.  Please post if you have anything positive to offer me about all this, even if I don't get to read it or reply until Monday.  I know I really need a counselor, but I can't afford one with all this and all the debt we have.