I think my ex is uBPD as he exhibits 7 of the 9 DSM traits plus gaslights, projects, manipulates, cheats, lies, afraid to be alone, and his emotions are intense (from love to anger and everything in between). Sorry this is so long. I need to vent and am so sad.
We have known each other for 5 years. About a year ago we decided to date. Right away he told me he loves me and tried to move in with me. Neither of us were really ready to date so it lasted only 4 months (although he says 7 months- he counts our reunion as the start of us dating when that wasn't the case at all). We had a horrible breakup, me finding out after that he cheated on me the entire time and was talking to one woman pretty regularly. She was well aware of me, apparently giving him relationship advice on how to make it work with me at 3am, when I didn’t even know we had a problem. 2 days after he dumps me he's making out with this woman.
A week later he's calling her his gf. A month later I find out he's telling new gf that he loves her, but he's also still talking to me, us trying to heal from the explosive breakup. He tells me he likes her a lot, although not a fan of her teenaged kids and doesn't think she's long term because he is still in love with me and knows I'm his person. He also discloses that she's already saw his rage when he got into a bar fight with her there. We don't talk for about 3 weeks because I can't deal with this other woman in his life, feeling they both betrayed me. When we start talking again (now we're at 2 months post breakup), on one hand he tells me how much new gf is good to him, nice, patient, on the other he tells me that she doesn't give him enough time (2 days a week) so he’s told her he needs more time or he’s going to cheat on her (he had already cheated on her btw). According to him, she was upset but agreed to give him an extra day a week.
3 months post breakup he comes to my house for a weekend, us trying to reconcile. He leaves because I had to leave for vacation. A week later he calls to tell me they broke up because he caught her in a lie (keep in mind she's clueless he was with me for 2 days) but he'll "see where she stands in the morning." I told him that means they didn't breakup, but he assures me they did, she just may think otherwise. They get back together the next day. He then discloses a few days later that he picked up a girl at the bar and took her home. He tells me in text how he lied to new gf because she almost caught him. She buys the lie but he says he's going to break up with her after her birthday (which was in a few days). 2 weeks later he's telling me they had another huge fight, this one about her kids making it known he doesn't care for them, and he's "struggling to understand what she means to him," that his love for her isn't like it is for me, his love for her is "born of and is kind" whatever that means. He reiterates he's in love with me and I'm his person. He comes back to my home (I live 5 hours away) and spends a week with me, telling new gf he's at his parents. We get a matching tattoo (before you judge, it has meaning of where we both worked before we met/became friends) and have a great week together. He leaves because he made vacation plans with new gf and family and feels bad breaking them.
3 weeks after that (now we're in month 5 post breakup) we have a big fight because I'm exhausted hearing how much he loves me and wants to be with me but won't break up with her. His words and actions aren't lining up. I've told him that what he is doing to her behind her back does not instill any trust in me and I am now fully aware of what he's capable of doing behind my back. He sends me a long email, professing his love, 2 days later a loving youtube video, and I reply with a not so nice response because I'm hurt and angry and feeling played. We don't talk for a month.
Out of the blue, unannounced and not invited, he knocks on my door. He says he's there to tell me that he's "put me down for good" and that he did break up with new gf to be with me but didn't tell me because I didn't need to know at that time. He said that my reply to his love letter was the last straw and made him realize that I'm only ever going to hurt him and that I'm just not a nice person. I asked him why he didn’t just send me an email to say as much, why did he have to come to my house? He replied, he had to tell me to my face, that I had to know and that he needed to know that he wouldn’t buckle if he saw me. We talk for a few hours. He proceeds to stay 4 days with me (so much for not buckling), lying to new gf (allegedly they were broken up for 2 weeks and got back together after my "mean" reply to his love letter). During this stay he tells me of how he broke up with her, telling her that he’s going to be with me and he’s going to make it work with me. He said she left in a "pile of tears" but he felt relieved it was over. He also disclosed that she found out that we got the tattoo’s and how he lied to her about being with me. He convinced her it was "only the one time." She still has no idea that there are 5 other women he's also slept with since we broke up. He tells me that he's going home to end it with her for good and he'll be back in a few days so we can work on us. The next day he calls me to tell me he's "choosing her" and he spent the drive home remembering why he's "put me down" and how I'm "always just going to hurt him." He also said that he realized that he really does love her and is in love with her.
Having enough, I sent new gf everything in a nice email. Seriously it was not mean at all. I let her know that he’s playing us both and he just spent 4 days with me, sending her proof of this visit (we went bowling, etc), I sent her all the screenshots of the text messages where he says he's cheating on her having sex with ex-wife, Tinder girl, girl from the bar, me, and the phone sex he had with some random FB girl. I sent her the texts of him saying he doesn't like her kids and texts of him saying he's going to dump her and how she doesn't do it for him. All his words. After our "he's choosing her" call, I blocked him on EVERYTHING and told him I was no longer keeping his lies and secrets.
This has been 2.5 weeks now. A week ago he's telling my friend that he still loves me but can't bare the hurt I "intentionally inflict" anymore and new gf is simply nice to him. 6 days ago he left me a voicemail (iPhones have a blocked messages folder- dumb feature) saying he just wanted to hear my voice. 4 days ago she's posting on pintrest loving meme's of going through storms with your person, she's blocked me on all social media even though we were never "friends" so couldn't see each others stuff anyway, and he's buying her gifts.
So now my ego is in overdrive and I want to break no contact. I don't know why. I don't know what I would say. I just know he's telling her that he can now be faithful to her because I'm 100% out of the picture and I was the reason that he threw away his standards these past months. I know she's happy I'm out of the picture. I'm just so confused how he gets to be happy while I sit here sad and depressed at both the loss of love but also the loss of my friend. How can she still be with him after all he's done to her and he doesn't like her kids? They've been dating maybe 5 months now there hasn't been a single month of their relationship where he's been faithful or truthful to her. How does a person turn a blind eye to that behavior? How does a person that treats women so awful gets to find love?