Help I am so confused

[Ambam82]

I am glad I found this forum, it has been so helpful and i wish i would have found yall sooner. Little back story, my exBPdbf and I were together 20 years ago for about a year. He broke up with me due to distance so he said( he is in the UK and im in the US) however over the years we always stayed in touch. Met up once in 2005 when he was over in the states. I am going through a divorce and we started really talking again last summer. I have been so supportive of him. He was just diagnosed with BPD last august and currently waiting to start therapy. It was like old times and we were suppose to meet this summer.It would have been 15 years since we last saw each other. Things were going well so I thought. He always told me how wonderful I was and how I was the only one that supported him. I have always loved him more than anyone and I sent him some song lyrics that reminded me of him, that’s when all hell broke lose. He told me He did not want to hurt me and that there was never a relationship offer.He was no longer interested in moving over here(he has dual citizenship and was thinking about it)He thought we were just going to “meet up” for a few days. I then gave him some time, when he came back a few days later  he stated that I was just using him as a play toy and i never cared about him.  Not true! He also said that he had no feelings for me and also accusing me of using him as an escape from my marriage. Not true!. He said that he was not looking dumb waiting for me and if he wanted to be with someone else  he should be able to. He said he knew i would leave once that happened anyway because i cant handle him being with anyone. None of this is true except for the being with anyone part, it’s hard seeing someone you love more than anything with someone else. I have disappeared in the past because of this, it hurt too bad. He then jumped to saying that the thought of me touching him makes him very uncomfortable and we shouldn’t meet up now. He said we could just be friends and things were not going back to the way they were. The next day I thought he blocked me on whatsapp and when i asked him about it he said “no havent blocked you at all” and everything is fine. I even asked him if there was someone else and he said no. He then changed his mind and said that we will see how the months go to see if we will meet up. I let him cool down a little more and a few days later i sent him a nice feeler text saying i hope you have a good day. He said thank you and everything was still fine, he even told me goodnight. The next day i simply said hi and he has not talked to me since, that was last week. I am so confused WTH is going on. I have sent a another feeler message since then to let him know i was still here for him and still nothing (That was only 3 days ago). i have a package I was going to bring him when I saw him and I was debating on just sending it to him. I have left him alone and it is so hard. I have never hurt this badly in my entire life. I love him so much and I care about him more than anyone has. I think i triggered engulfment and abandonment and now i just don't know what to do. Did i lose him?

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