I have struggled with this question for years. On one hand he says he loves me all the time. Heck, he even does nice things for me. However, there is a certain lack of connection. The actions do not align with the words. I so badly want him to want me. And not in a sick or twisted way but more of a healthy, we are life partners kind of way. I want the healthy relationship.
I have asked myself so many times if I am not attractive enough for him. I have asked myself so many times what I am doing wrong. If he still finds me attractive and says I am doing all of the "right" things, then why the heck aren't things better? Why can't he follow through? Why can't he show a little bit of affection without things being weird?
I don't have any answers and I don't think this is about you as the husband. I think it is more about BPD and how they experience love. I have actually been searching the forums and going through the lessons trying to find the answer to the question of Does he really love me and Is he capable of loving me?
I found this thread titled Did She Ever Love Me?:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=68978.0That is just one of the threads that came up when I used the search terms "capable of love". I have been reading through some of them. While there aren't a lot of clear cut answers it makes me feel less alone and less crazy.