Hi Everybody. I,ll try to make my story as short as I possibly can. There's so much for me to cover but I wont cover everything in this thread. I believe my ex fiance is suffering from BPD, he is high functioning. We broke up about 4 months ago and were together for 1.5 years.
We met through a dating app and we hit it off right away. There were so many good qualities I liked about him. I found him to be sweet, honest, funny and handsome. As time went on, I began to notice some red flags but I foolishly decided to brush it off and only focus on his good qualities. About a week after meeting him, he threw his first temper tantrum because I did not feel ready to delete my dating app account *RED FLAG #1*
He later apologized for his behavior and said he acted that way because he really liked me and felt hurt. I decided to let it go because I liked him.
Two weeks after meeting me, he told me he loved me *Red Flag* Soon after that, he got a little upset again that I still had my dating app account. At that point, I felt a lot of potential with him and did not want to lose him, so I decided to delete my account to make him happy.
He was in a rush to make me his girlfriend and clearly did not want me to explore other options. These were the early signs of his possessive and jealous behavior.
Fast forwarding, we became official and our relationship was an intense, passionate, toxic roller coaster. I fell madly in love with him. Throughout our relationship we probably had 6-7 breakups due to his intense emotions and constant delusional jealousy. There was a point my anxiety got so bad due to me having to walk on eggshells around him all the time to prevent him from getting triggered. He felt extreme separation anxiety whenever I had to leave and go somewhere. His impulsive spending was also frustrating to deal with, he's been struggling with drug addiction for years. When he wasn't acting jealous or emotionally unstable, he was an amazing partner. We had a lot of great/fun days together and he made me feel so beautiful, special, and unconditionally loved. However, our relationship came to an end when I finally had enough of his jealousy and constant accusations of me cheating with multiple men. He even went as far as to accuse me of sleeping with his best friend of 15 years. After that accusation, his best friend cut him off completely after dealing with his nonsense for years.
I broke up with him and went into no contact. During no contact, he went on a bizarre smear campaign against me and told people that I was a cheater and a stripper that he saw at a bachelor party many years ago. I felt so infuriated and humiliated by his smear campaign. Weeks after the smear campaign, one of his friends contacted me to inform me that everybody is now noticing how unstable my ex is and no longer believes his false stories. Apparently after our break up, my ex began lashing out at everybody and now they have all cut him off. My ex has now lost all of his friends and also lost his job after the breakup.
It's been 4 months since the smear campaign/breakup and I am in a place where I just feel compassion and sadness for my ex. I have forgiven him for all he has done and put me through. Knowing so much about BPD now, I feel so sad that my ex is suffering from this horrible mental illness. Deep down inside my ex is a good person. I feel awful that his life seems to be falling apart now.
2 weeks ago I got in contact with my ex to get my stuff back from his apartment. He wanted to make peace with me so he ended up dropping my things off at my place and we ended up talking and catching up. He seemed very happy to see me and acted like nothing happened. Unfortunately, he is in deep denial about his illness and still has a very distorted reality about everything. Talking to him after 4 months made me miss all of our good times together, and in a moment of weakness, I asked him if we can remain friends and hangout sometime. He told me he cant. He admitted that he still loves me and that it won't be good for us to hang out.
We then said our goodbyes and that was that. I hate to admit that I miss him and still love him very much. I know that it's impossible to ever have a stable healthy relationship with him. I can't help but wonder if he will ever change his mind about being friends? I still crave to have him in my life.
I'm starting therapy in a few days for my codependency issues and anxiety. Wish me luck and thank you for reading
