I'm here to gain empowerment

[Paintball4Life]

Hello all I am new, but i am seeking advice and empowerment

I do not even know where to start. I guess i can start with some basics:

I came here to gain some advice and empowerment. I have been married for 7 years. The courtship was great and i find myself constantly wishing we were back to dating again. I have even tried to re-create our best dates, but have failed.

At first, everything seemed fine. I knew she had some issues at home(her mom has major BPD but didnt find that out until 3 years gao) such as her mom throwing things at her, at me etc etc. Everything was great until the day i proposed. It seemed that as the more serious we got, the more hell it caused her. Granted i had NO CLUE about BPD or anything of the sorts so i thought that it was just some unhealed issues with her mother.  

Continuing on, sex has never ever been good. Its a constant shame game with her telling me how lousy i am and that i am a terrible financial provider or some random shame based words. During the first year of marriage i started to struggle with pornography as a soothing technique due to so many fights, yelling and me trying to keep boundries. After i couldnt take it, i finally said we need to seperate. Thats when she made an attempt at her life, not once, but 3 times. At this stage i stayed because it was so tramatic that it scared me that it was my fault. The soothing technique started to get worse and worse but there were many times when i didnt turn to that, but could only last so long. i think 4 weeks was the longest. But i did have many times when i was off for at least 2, then back on for a month then off again etc etc. However, now, i have been fully off for a year.

Anyway, last year i started reading about BPD and i felt she had it. so i started to follow the advice from my research and noticed everytime i created a boundry, held it and remained calm, she would become violent and rageful. Long story short, she mad another attempt back in feb and this time authorities were called. She was in therapy for 5 weeks and decided to stop. she refuses medication and refuses to see anyone for help. It seems that the cycles washes, rinses and repeats. Weekends are the worst. I have been monitoring her good and bad days for the last 3 months and its 52% good and 48% bad days. I have had dishes thrown at me, knifes, fruit, the whole gamet. Now she uses the whole porn thing against me all the time saying that the reason she wanted to kill her self was because of that and that i was ruining the marriage. Even before she knew that i had the issue, she would accuse me of looking at other women, cheating on her, sleeping with her sister etc etc.

I am wanting to leave but a big part of me does not because i really really do love her. Her self image is so poor and she does not love herself and i feel the only way she can is for me to leave because with me in the picture, she becomes codependent on me creating that self love for her. she feels that i can heal that when i cant...

thanks

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Turkish]

Her self image is so poor and she does not love herself

This is the core,  disordered emotion and world-view of a pwBPD (person with BPD), that they are unworthy of love.  It sounds like your issue didn't help,  but her feelings were there to begin with.  You've been trying and that's good.  My issue wasn't that,  specifically,  but emotionally detaching, which might as well have been the same thing,  triggering the same feelings of shame. 

You mentioned she trying to come back,  but also recent incidents of domestic violence.  Are you physically separated? How much contact do you have?

This test might help you determine your risk factor.  Where do you fall?

Threat Assessment: The MOSAIC threat assessment is sophisticated third party test that can use to evaluate the danger in relationship. The link is
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=304172

[formflier]

The quote below summarizes much of BPDish behavior. 

They don't "feel" worthy of being close or closer... .so when that happens, there is a big reaction.

Looking forward to seeing your results from the test in Turkish's post.

  Everything was great until the day i proposed. It seemed that as the more serious we got, the more hell it caused her. 

[Paintball4Life]

Ello all

I know my reply is a we bit late, but its because i can not do this at home. She has an issue with snooping around and getting into my private stuff so i do this whil on break at work.

We are not physically separated. We are still married and live in the same appartment. i have monitored for the last 3 months her good and bad days. it seems to be that the week ends are the worst and then the first couple of days during the week as she recovers. Forexample, this last friday night, i said something that was completly normal and anyother person would be fine, but it triggered her to the point of unleashing alot of negitive comments onto me about how i am a lousy husband and will be a lousy father all because i said that chiropratic work is kind of not my thing.

We have no childeren and thats been rough for her because she does want to be a mother really bad but i do not feel good about having childeren with her.

I will be taking the test here soon and will report back

EDIT:

How shall i post my results from the test?

thanks again. ill try to post tonight

[formflier]

We have no childeren and thats been rough for her because she does want to be a mother really bad but i do not feel good about having childeren with her.
 

Very wise at the moment.  I hope YOU are the one making sure birth control happens.  Protect yourself and your interests.

Just post your results of your test in this thread.

I'm very curious about the chiropractic comment.  Can you do some "he said she said" from start to her going nuclear?

That will help us get a picture of what is happening.

FF

[Paintball4Life]

"It sounds like your issue didn't help,  but her feelings were there to begin with."

That is very true and i know i am responsible and accountable for that. Its difficult because i was not doing that kind of behavior offten. It only started once she tried to take her life twice. I could not handle the situation mentally and or emotionally. I ended up losing myself and after many many attempts to hold boundries and so many fights, i could not remember whom i was. I started to lose touch with family, friends and my memory became very weak.  It was not until a few years back that i realized something was wrong with my situation. I started to see a therapist at this time but i went in because i felt the entire marriage issues were all my fault. I said things about my self that were wrong, i said hurtful things about my family, myself and others in my life that were false. I had been trained to hate my friends and family. It was very difficult to hear how my partner went from calling my mom very hurtful names, my dad hurtful names, then the next day, she loves them and is grateful for them.

After seeing this therapist, nothing was changing. We ended up having to move in with my parents, which made things so terrible. Granted we had our own little house on the side of their property but for my wife, it made things very very hard. My dad has bi polar and so mixing two personality disorders together was hard. Our relationship stayed the same and fights continued and continued. BUT i couldnt leave because i was so terrified of her hurting herslef. I vowed never to leave because i was so scared to see her get hurt. At this time, i was working on my issues that were previously mentioned. I knew that using those methods to coop with the pain was not helping. I worked my butt off to not slip into an addiction. There were times i could go three to four weeks with out an incident. while there were other times that i would have issues each day for about 2 to 3 weeks... .it was off and on, but very difficult to live with.

I am not justifying my behavior at all. I did what i did, but i am trying to not beat myself up because of the trama i saw and expierenced. She does not understand this and uses my issues i had during this time as a way to shame me and call me a lousy unforgivable husband. She does not get that because of her suicide attempts, it drove me to things i could not control as well as i could when i was stable.

I do have the results back from the mosiac, but im not sure what to post?

thanks again for reading my stuff and im grateful for your reply as well as the others.

[Paintball4Life]

Very wise at the moment.  I hope YOU are the one making sure birth control happens.  Protect yourself and your interests.

Just post your results of your test in this thread.

I'm very curious about the chiropractic comment.  Can you do some "he said she said" from start to her going nuclear?

That will help us get a picture of what is happening.

FF

Ok, so from the begining with the chiropractic issue. First, some background info. She became obbsessed with energy medicine but would use it against me. Such as, if i asked for a back rub, she would rub for about 2 minutes and then freak out about how all my negitive  energy is going into her. So i have never had many backrubs during our marriage. Ok, so friday night after a church function, it was a great get together with some of her old childhood friends(possible trigger). When we were home, the weather was amazing outside. Overcast, a slight breeze, awesome sunset, i grabbed my lemonade(yes, im oldschool haha even though im young) and i went on the porch. we live on the top floor so it has a great view. Anyway, we are just talking and having fun and i stretch and say "next paycheck, i am gonna get a massage" i said it in a normal everyday tone just like anyone else would. She replied "you know what would be better than a massage?" i asked in a excited tone and said "Whats that?"  she then mentioned "You should see a chiropractor again" i then said "well, after my last couple of expeirences, i dont think its my thing" It was silent but i thought nothing of it. so i went into the house for a refil on me drink. i came oput and the first thing she said was "Im concerned about us not having childeren" At this point i was confused because it was out of no where. Then the next thing she said was "Everyone needs the chiropratctor, its like food. if you turn it down, your turning down help and i will have a husband who goes to chiropratic work and teaches our childeren about it" I reinforced the boundry by saying "I can choose what i like, just like how some people like oranges over apples" She did not like that and it seem to escalalte her "This is not apples or oranges and i will have a good hsband and a will have a good father for my childeren" By this stage the tears had started and she went into the bedroom. I walked to the door because i have the savior complex and i so wanted to talk and fix it but i turned around and went to the couch. I sat thtere thinking and then i said a little prayer for her and then next thing i knew, i was asleep and being woke up by her elevated voice. She was upset that i fell alseep and did not want to talk to her. i knew she was playing the victim in the room and i did not want to feed that. That is her most favorite mentallity. Anyway, she unleashed some hurtful things, even if she was not yelling. Her voice was still elevated and i knew we had began a episode. I tried to explain or use my words to let her know that i didnt fall asleep because im ignoring her or rejecting her. I simply just fell asleep because it was almost midnight and i was exhausted. She did not like that and left again. i fell asleep again and then woke up to her shaking me to wake me up. this time i got up and left to the other room saying "im going to bed. please stop waking me up" this time i was simply irriteated and to tired to even think.

The next morning i woke up and she was still upset and she said some more things, this time yelling and to be honost, i dont remember at all what she said.  At one point she said i was retaliating against her and being revengful.  I know i stayed calm which she hates and i do remember saying that "im tired of the love hate relationship and if you hate me so bad and you feel i am the abuser, then why are we still together? this is a toxic relationship" she didnt say anything to that. it continued on during the day and i did leave for a couple of hours to take care of some stuff. Sunday morning the same until about noon.

Thank you for asking this question. bare in mind. i do not remember all the details because the last few years have been so tramatizing that i start forgetting things. I was an aerospace engineering student but my therapist said i needed a break. i am almost done as well. however, i know i need a break.

thanks

RESULTS:

Situation Involving:
A & M
Assessment Conducted by:
M T
Date of Assessment: 08/20/2018

   
Rating of this Situation:
7 on a scale of 1 to 10
Quality of this Assessment:
169 out of a possible 200

[Paintball4Life]

One last thing. I have always been scared to talk about this situation. My therapist that i am seeing now, is fully aware of it because she was seeing my wife for sessions as well. My wife had 5 before she decided not to do it anymore. i just get shameful feelings for reaching out and then i feel like im feeding her to the wolves sort of speak. My therapist tells me that this is a natural feeling that we have when it involves someone we love.

[pearlsw]

Hi LT72884,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. There is a lot going on here, and the details help us relate to you better.

I want to ask, now that you have taken the MOSAIC risk assessment test how do you feel?

I am sorry to hear you have felt you could not talk about this issues. You can here of course, and with your therapist, this is not a betrayal, this is a way for you to get much needed support and understanding, okay? You are not alone.

With time there are many things members can help you with (brainstorm alternative responses for) such as her interrupting your sleep, etc.

Also, just to add, I don't think you should be shamed for your sexual interests. As long as you are not harming others, breaking the law, and not going overboard the point of not being able to work or function, visual sexual aids, let's say, are often promoted in the part of the world I am from, and where I live now for that matter, as part of the vast array of options to add to one's activities. Your choice as an adult. Again, I don't know how far it went, but it sounds like you are managing with this now so don't get down on yourself either. The key thing for me is that it not get used as a tool against you to demean, insult, and punish you. That is not okay.

wishing you peace, pearl.

[Turkish]

My ex exhibited some magical thinking and also talked about negative energy.  It's hard to validate that if you disagree.  

7/10 sounds on the high risk side.  What are your thoughts on that?

[Paintball4Life]

@Pearl:

I want to ask, now that you have taken the MOSAIC risk assessment test how do you feel?

To be honost, like crap. i answered as honostly and non judgmental as possible but i feel like crap because i feel like i am throwing her under the bus. This may be due to the many many many times she has accused me of manipulateing the therapists(standard) and energy medicine therapist. She has a energy group she belongs to and would always want me to go and be a part of it. For 5 years, i learned everything she knew, read all the books, took certification courses that were LOTS of money and basically became an energy medicine therapist. I have had training as a mentor and youth worker so some of what i learned from the enegy side of things stemmed from the psych world.I dont really like energy medicine because it seems to mask the issue and ALOT of them say they can CURE her or others with out modern techniques and modern medicine. Her mom is BPD as well and HATES doctors and all forms of medicine except vitamins.

Anyway, once the energy therapists met with both of us. I just started talking about how things really were, they tried helping her and i,  and she freaked out at them saying they fell for my manipulation and hated them for a while, Liekd them for a while as long as it was in her favor, then hated again. now she likes them again. So its a love hate with them as well. They had known something was strange with her but they didnt know how or what BPD is. They had known her before my wife and i ever met.


@Turkish

" I don't know how far it went, but it sounds like you are managing with this now so don't get down on yourself either. "

it never got to the point of where i wanted to cheat or sleep with other women, but it did get to the oint where i wish i was with a stable woman in my life. But i never planned or thought of cheating on her. It was always used as a tool to sooth, not to manipulate or cheat on her. There were many times after NUCLEAR fights where i would say to myself "Using orn to sooth myself tonight is not an option. We can do this Matt" So i would be able to last a week or so, but with big fights every day, it was tough. Some months i could last 4 weeks with no issues, then some months, i could make it about 4 days or 7 days, then other months it was 14 and some were worse. Every time we tried to have sex, it was a nightmare. She can not handle the emotional connection behind sex. i have often wondered if she has ever been sexually abused and doesnt remember it.

Granted, i have my needs and desires sexually,but i dont really want to look at other women in the sexual way. Even if i am having issues with the wife. Whats most important to me is emotional stability, sexual stability, sexual attractivness(as in, someone who actually likes sex and doesnt try to shame me for liking it or call me names)and spiritual atractivness(same beliefs as me)



Ok, i will be back at lunch. thanks for the questions and feedback. As for learning how to respond to her, its hard because she doesnt want to do anything to take care of herself and im getting to the point of just wanting to leave. She ahs refused therapy multiple times and medication.

[Paintball4Life]

i forgot to mention why i took all of the energy medicine courses and read the books. She threatned many times that if i didnt learn this stuff, she would leave, she began to hurt herself and i love her so i didnt want that to happen. Even with knowing all the stuff she knew, she still used it against me all the time. Each time i would wake up inthe morning and try to cuddle her, she would say "you just stole all my energy and i cant stand it" Finally after telling the enery therapist this, they saw that as a problem as well and started to try and help her see it differently. Thats when she said i had manipulated everyone against her and she may not say those things as often, but i know she still thinks it. I couldnt yawn without her saying i stole all her energy... .

Anyway, i wanted to clear that paragraph up and i cant find the edit button anywheres to edit my posts haha

thanks