Confused on GF's View of Arguments

[WhatJustHappened?]

Hello everyone.

It's been a while and I so much appreciate everyone in this group. I received tremendous support several years back after going through a BPD whirlwind.

I have been dating this woman for a couple of years and I'm afraid that yet again, my picker has picked wrong. I can't tell what (or who) I am dealing with and where this may fit into the various PDs.

So the typical and repeating argument goes like this - I'll give you an example.

1.) We sign up and attend a group hike together
2.) Everything is fine on the ride to the hike until we hit the parking lot
3.) GFs mood changes as if she doesn't want to be there - she makes a couple of nasty remarks
4.) We start the hike, I ask if anything is wrong
5.) I receive a snarky answer
6.) I then sigh
7.) She then throws up her hands and turns around for the car in a giant huff
8.) I follow and then we leave for home
9.) On the ride home, GF makes up that I said something really nasty to her which was why she turned around (I didn't do anything other than sigh)
10.) Her narrative from then on is a completely different reality of what happened
11.) GF's reality is that it is "not her fault" and "I am the bad guy".
12.) GF takes no responsibility for her actions

This has happened several times throughout our relationship where the emphasis is all around "not her fault" with a totally different story from what actually happened to portray me as being at fault along with being an angry person.

I want to emphasize that I am no saint and have been in some several heated arguments with her where I have behaved poorly. It is almost as if this person brings out the worse in me! Of course, I know that I am responsible for my own reactions and can't blame others for my behavior but that is how it feels.

There is no winning this type of argument as it's a "he said/she said" scenario that just keeps going. GF feels like the victim and makes me the aggressor and the one at fault. There is also some self-fulfilling prophecy/sabotage going on on her end which anytime there's a disagreement and she's behaviors poorly, there is some "I just knew this would happen and you would behave this way" attitude.

It happened again yesterday on my birthday (the argument).

Any thoughts?

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[once removed]

does she like hiking?

3.) GFs mood changes as if she doesn't want to be there - she makes a couple of nasty remarks
4.) We start the hike, I ask if anything is wrong
5.) I receive a snarky answer

can you give specific examples... .what kinds of nasty remarks... .what kind of snarky answer?

[WhatJustHappened?]

does she like hiking?

Yes, she does.

can you give specific examples... .what kinds of nasty remarks... .what kind of snarky answer?

Sure, something to the effect of "I hate this" and "Boy, this is going to be fun" (with sarcasm).

Later, I learned that she feels uncomfortable hiking in a group which would have been nice to know before going. But everything was just fine as we were driving up but when we hit the parking lot, it was like a switch flipped.

And the pattern continues to repeat in other arguments. If you were to listen to each of our stories about the hike, it would be like we attended two very different events. Me: Bad guy who yelled at her, Her: Innocent victim.

[once removed]

i dont mean to cast doubt here, but are you sure she likes hiking? is it perhaps something she has soured on?

Later, I learned that she feels uncomfortable hiking in a group which would have been nice to know before going.

how did you learn that? its something you might be able to work with.

[WhatJustHappened?]

i dont mean to cast doubt here, but are you sure she likes hiking? is it perhaps something she has soured on?

how did you learn that? its something you might be able to work with.

Yep, we have hiked many times and she always seems to enjoy it. We even bought new equipment and boots.

After we argued, she tells me that she feels self-conscious about hiking in a group. I understand that and we can rotate hiking together, alone and me hiking with a group. I like to be social.

I think for me the deal-killer is how radically different our argument views are and the point that she's not accepting any responsibility for bad actions and arguments. That's a BIG deal for me. Yelling "no I didn't"/"yes you did" just keeps you in a never-ending circular argument. Or, "you said this and I never said that". Or, "you're the one with the problem"... .same result.

Thanks so much once removed. BTW, dig the new forum style and fonts.

[once removed]

I think for me the deal-killer is how radically different our argument views are and the point that she's not accepting any responsibility for bad actions and arguments. That's a BIG deal for me. Yelling "no I didn't"/"yes you did" just keeps you in a never-ending circular argument. Or, "you said this and I never said that". Or, "you're the one with the problem"... .same result.

it will probably bring you a lot of peace if you can work with two concepts:

1. a circular argument requires two people.

2. try to let go of her accepting responsibility for bad actions/arguments. she has a point of view. you disagree with it, and have a version of events. neither of you have to adopt the other persons point of view/version of events in order to resolve conflict.

let go of the right or wrong, or who is in the right or wrong. get to the heart of the matter to resolve conflict. this may involve a lot of listening. it may at times require a bit of reading between the lines... .for example, maybe she is snarky when shes uncomfortable with situations (thats just for example).

as a tip, if shes making snarky comments like that, it probably goes without saying that something is wrong.  a direct "whats wrong" may not be the best approach... .especially if shes baiting for a fight. sighing at her is baiting her for a fight... .at the very least, taking the bait.

there might be other ways to find out whats going on with her if you sense something wrong.

I like to be social.

is she introverted?

[WhatJustHappened?]

it will probably bring you a lot of peace if you can work with two concepts:

1. a circular argument requires two people.

2. try to let go of her accepting responsibility for bad actions/arguments. she has a point of view. you disagree with it, and have a version of events. neither of you have to adopt the other persons point of view/version of events in order to resolve conflict.

let go of the right or wrong, or who is in the right or wrong. get to the heart of the matter to resolve conflict. this may involve a lot of listening. it may at times require a bit of reading between the lines... .for example, maybe she is snarky when shes uncomfortable with situations (thats just for example).

as a tip, if shes making snarky comments like that, it probably goes without saying that something is wrong.  a direct "whats wrong" may not be the best approach... .especially if shes baiting for a fight. sighing at her is baiting her for a fight... .at the very least, taking the bait.

there might be other ways to find out whats going on with her if you sense something wrong.

is she introverted?

Good points. When we first began dating, she appeared more extroverted but as time passed, I really learned that she is more introverted.

Honestly, I'm not sure where I want to go with this relationship. I'm not even sure that I want to have anymore long-term relationships to be candid. There's been an awful lot of drama including some physical stuff (I got hit once). I sometimes feel embarrassed that I decided to give it another chance. On the flip side of the coin, she has stepped up and helped me when I was unemployed without ever rubbing it in my face. That's a big one to me. And of course, we have had some good times as well.

I don't know what to do.

[once removed]

how long have you been together?

[WhatJustHappened?]

how long have you been together?

almost three years

[once removed]

in looking at your posts, most of them have been on the Detaching or Learning boards. (im guessing that had to do with the prior relationship).

personally, id learn the tools here, and id post (here) more regularly while im learning... .ask questions about what im learning. see if the relationship can get on a better trajectory. even if you decide to leave, you can have a smoother landing, and the tools and skills work with everyone, and will take you far.

what do you think?

[WhatJustHappened?]

in looking at your posts, most of them have been on the Detaching or Learning boards. (im guessing that had to do with the prior relationship).

personally, id learn the tools here, and id post (here) more regularly while im learning... .ask questions about what im learning. see if the relationship can get on a better trajectory. even if you decide to leave, you can have a smoother landing, and the tools and skills work with everyone, and will take you far.

what do you think?

I think, as usual, you have provided some very useful feedback which is much appreciated.

[Chosen]

I'm just going to focus on one thing here (as I'm typing in a rush), which is the sighing.  I find it to be a huge trigger.  Basically, whenever I sigh, I can be certain that uBPDh will consider it an act of bad attitude from me.  I'm going to get raged at, or at least, nagged for a long time. 

I also find that when he is looking for a fight (for whatever reason, he's annoyed with something/ with me), he will repeatedly sigh in an irritated manner.  And it certainly annoys people, but I try to read between the lines, read his emotions and not comment on the fact that he is sighing.  I would say, same goes for snarky remarks.  If the pwBPDs are looking for a fight, we mustn't go in the way they want us to (they want us to add fuel to fire so they have a legitimate reason to blow up at us)!