Repeat argument, need some advice

[Peace4ME]

dBPD bf and I had a nearly identical argument, I didn't even realize I was being pulled in until it was too late.

He is trying to quit smoking pot, but hasn't been successful. This morning he scraped together some tiny scraps, even though he told me he was out. He came back in from smoking and told me he had "bad news". That he didn't think he was going to be able to quit smoking until after this really stressful period at work. I didn't get mad, he said he was going to keep trying, I just pointed out that it’s hard no matter when, and then the switched flipped. His tone of voice changed, he started getting nasty and told me I can't be there for him, and he was going to find someone who could. Yelled at me to shut up. I should have stopped even talking to him before that point, but here is where I get lost.

He's the one that came into me and told me he had bad news. I didn't get mad, I didn't yell, I just told him that it will be hard no matter when. This must have been invalidating. ANYTHING i do when it comes to him quitting weed besides smiling and saying "its ok honey" is invalidating to him. So he feels he has the right to yell, tell  me to shut up and that he's going to find someone that can truly be there for him (aka blow smoke up his ass)

Last time I ended up apologizing for "coming off controling" and "making him feel bad". I got no apology in return for all the nasty things he said about me, in fact he said I deserved them. I will not apologize this time. HE came in and said he had bad news. I did not freak out, I did not yell, I did not put him down. I just did not say exactly what he wanted to hear. I can’t apologize for this one, I don’t even want to validate when I know he won’t say a word about how he hurt my feelings.

I don’t know how to act when I get home, or how to move on from this repeat fight. I don’t know if he feels guilty or feels justified for yelling at me because I didn’t “support him”. Asking will only rehash the fight. Help  :'(

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[laelle]

He was probably expecting a negative response from you and had his fur up already. To be honest, any answer you would have given him probably would have sounded condescending and gotten the same reaction...   He was blaming you for his inability to quit.  He can not look at his own flaws or self soothe, he misdirects his guilt and frustration as anger towards you.  You have the right idea, walk away, tell him you wont discuss it.

We all get caught up in it sometimes.  I would ignore it as he was acting out like a 3 year old being refused icecream.  Its not even worth acknowledging and to rehash it over again and again is non productive.

[Peace4ME]

He was probably expecting a negative response from you and had his fur up already. To be honest, any answer you would have given him probably would have sounded condescending and gotten the same reaction...   He was blaming you for his inability to quit.  He can not look at his own flaws or self soothe, he misdirects his guilt and frustration as anger towards you.  You have the right idea, walk away, tell him you wont discuss it.

We all get caught up in it sometimes.  I would ignore it as he was acting out like a 3 year old being refused icecream.  Its not even worth acknowledging and to rehash it over again and again is non productive.

Agreed, so you would try to accept it and pretend as if nothing happened tonight? Ugh.

He is going to ask if I have anything to say to him, he always does. I just need to come up with a response that doesn't accept the treatment I was given but says I don't want to rehash it.

[laelle]

I think he has some emotions there that he is going to have to work on. You can validate as you say you have, but in the end its him who will have to make those changes.  Its difficult to give up his security blanket.  I know my bf smokes not only to get stoned, but he also associates smoking pot with alot of memories and it calms him.

If he asks what you have to say (he expects drama) dont give him any.   (lightly) Tell him you can see he is having a rough time of it, and that you are sorry if he is feeling pressured.  (you are taking no guilt by saying this)  Tell him that you support his decision and that you are there for him.

Here is where you kick in your boundary... .   It makes me sad (not angry or frustrated) when we fight.  I love you and I wont argue about this.  I have faith in you and I know you will do what you feel is right for you.  Leave it there, if he lets you.

You showed empathy, sympathy, encouragement, non judgment view as well as not Jading.  Its up to him to control himself.  If not, reiterate your

boundary again in a gentle way.   If that dont work go do something else.  You did your best.

[seeking balance]

it seems like you handled it well - no reaction is good.

I imagine his guilt button will be pushed and may lash out at you if he perceives you are the one that wants him to quit. 

Do you have a firm boundary around his pot smoking or is it more of a preference that he didn't do it?

Like anything, people quit for themselves - whether it is smoking, dieting, etc. 

[Tormenta]

That was a really good reaction. I mean, I´m not one to give advice or anything but if I was the one who tell you the bad news and you told me that... .  I would think: wow, what a nice partner! Understanding and supportive... .  BPD does not let your SO see how good is to have someone that loves him so much.

That said, I agree with this:

Like anything, people quit for themselves - whether it is smoking, dieting, etc. 

if you are worried about him quitting pot, it looks like he really wants to stop smoking and he is motivated, I´m sure he will do it by himself.

Also I know that by experience, that if he wants to quit he will do it by himself, no matter if you say anything to encourage him or avoid the topic.

[Peace4ME]

You showed empathy, sympathy, encouragement, non judgment view as well as not Jading.  Its up to him to control himself.  If not, reiterate your

boundary again in a gentle way.   If that dont work go do something else.  You did your best.

Thank you, those are wise words and I will definitely implement some of them. However, if I don't address the nasty things that were yelled at me, and I do validate him, am I not in a way enforcing that if he screams at me, it will make me feel like i have done something wrong, then I validate him and he never apologizes. I know I am not validating the yelling, but if that goes ignored then he's just going to do it again. Right?

[Peace4ME]

Do you have a firm boundary around his pot smoking or is it more of a preference that he didn't do it?

Like anything, people quit for themselves - whether it is smoking, dieting, etc. 

Since it has become obvious that he is addicted and revolves his life around it I have a firm boundary that I will not progress to the next stage of our relationship without him quitting. He agrees that he wants to quit, but he's been saying this is my last bag for over 6 months. To him, unconditional love = me waiting around patiently, without telling him my feelings about it until he gets it done. I haven't bugged him lately, and I didn't get upset about this either, just asked a few questions and offered my opinion. I just don't know how long I'm really willing to wait, he tries to make me feel guilty all the time for even considering setting a date.

[seeking balance]

Since it has become obvious that he is addicted and revolves his life around it I have a firm boundary that I will not progress to the next stage of our relationship without him quitting.

specifically, what do you mean by this?  you will continue dating until he quits?

He agrees that he wants to quit, but he's been saying this is my last bag for over 6 months. To him, unconditional love = me waiting around patiently, without telling him my feelings about it until he gets it done. I haven't bugged him lately, and I didn't get upset about this either, just asked a few questions and offered my opinion. I just don't know how long I'm really willing to wait, he tries to make me feel guilty all the time for even considering setting a date.

How would setting a date help you?  Would you leave?

Ultimatums are rarely useful in behavior change in relationships.  I recall from alanon, don't make them if you are not prepared to go through with it.

pwBPD have been known to set up a self-fulfilling prophecy of abandonment... .  is it possible he is doing this.

Perhaps a more realistic boundary would be your participation in his pot smoking - ie - you don't want to be around him when he is smoking or you don't really want to hear about it any longer as it is only going to be a source of frustration for each of you.

If you do address it - DEARMAN is the preferred approach.  I found it helpful to practice here.

[laelle]

You cant keep him from yelling, you can only remove yourself from hearing it.  You cant change people.  They have to change themselves.

If you remove yourself then he can call you all the names he wants, you just wont have to listen to it. 

[Peace4ME]

Since it has become obvious that he is addicted and revolves his life around it I have a firm boundary that I will not progress to the next stage of our relationship without him quitting.

specifically, what do you mean by this?  you will continue dating until he quits?

Yes, I am continuing to date him while he quits- we own a house together. However, its hard for both of us because that is on his timetable. It stresses him to know that I get upset everytime he promises its his last bag and buys one the next day, and it stresses me because I feel like I'm putting my life on hold for a drug.

He agrees that he wants to quit, but he's been saying this is my last bag for over 6 months. To him, unconditional love = me waiting around patiently, without telling him my feelings about it until he gets it done. I haven't bugged him lately, and I didn't get upset about this either, just asked a few questions and offered my opinion. I just don't know how long I'm really willing to wait, he tries to make me feel guilty all the time for even considering setting a date.

How would setting a date help you?  Would you leave?

Ultimatums are rarely useful in behavior change in relationships.  I recall from alanon, don't make them if you are not prepared to go through with it.

Yes I will leave. I have no intention of spending my life with someone who devotes their life to smoking pot. I do understand that this takes time, which is why I have tried to be patient as he tells me over and over again that he wants to quit, he is quitting, and he will quit. Just haven’t seen it happen yet. So the date is more for myself than him. He doesn’t even need to know it, really. I was considering going to alanon tonight, but after a fight like this he will just say I’m going to rub it in his face.

Perhaps a more realistic boundary would be your participation in his pot smoking - ie - you don't want to be around him when he is smoking or you don't really want to hear about it any longer as it is only going to be a source of frustration for each of you.

Is that really realistic when he smokes 3-4 times a day on our back porch and is always talking/wanting/needing it? I could say I will not hang out with you high, but I will be spending a lot of time in our bedroom by myself or away from my own home.

If you do address it - DEARMAN is the preferred approach.  I found it helpful to practice here.

Which part are you talking about addressing? Him quitting in general? I’ll brush up on it, but I only talk about it when he does now. He knows how I feel about it- actions speak louder than words.