Do they really believe the projections?

[calmboom]

Hi I am having a difficult time with the false accusations against me that my uBPD BF insists are true.

After a 2.5 week ST, he claims I called him a swear word name.  I didn't.

Also, he claims I raged at him during an encounter.   When I was actually calm and he was the one swearing and raging.   He is convinced that it was all me and therefore he can not be in the r/s any longer.  (I wish I had a video!).

He says that's the sole reason that our 6yr r/s is over.  He is tired being the one suffering all of the "abuse" of my raging "every 30 days"... . 

How do I respond to this?  I want to JADE and state my side but from what I've read that is not recommended.  What should I do instead?  How can I reconnect if he is convinced I did these things and therefore must be dumped?

[grayarea]

I'm not sure if I have any advice for you, but to answer your question about if they believe it.  IMHO I do think they believe it in that moment - they spin the truth to suit their needs.  My bf is adamant that I'm a drug addict - it's quite laughable really.  I'm not sure when I have the time to do drugs, but he finds the time in my schedule.  For example last weekend I was going to the grocery store so I went to my car, but I forgot to download some coupons so after a few minutes I came back in to download the coupons.  Well according to him I went downstairs to do my drugs then came back up - apparently high and wanting to download coupons and go grocery shopping.        I simply state what I did w/out defending myself and even that he goes see there you go getting all defensive, look at your eyes (look normal no pupils dialating  )  but he was sure it's what I did.  I just don't do or say anything anymore. I just let him believe what he wants at this point because he's going to anyway.

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

I'm not sure if I have any advice for you, but to answer your question about if they believe it.  IMHO I do think they believe it in that moment - they spin the truth to suit their needs.  My bf is adamant that I'm a drug addict - it's quite laughable really.  I'm not sure when I have the time to do drugs, but he finds the time in my schedule. 

Ah, it must be the same way I find time to have "relationships" with other women

I simply state what I did w/out defending myself and even that he goes see there you go getting all defensive, look at your eyes (look normal no pupils dialating  )  but he was sure it's what I did.

I still need to get better at this... .set some kind of limit so the accusations don't go on endlessly until she gets me to engage... .

[rollercoaster24]

Hi all

My being a drug addict, (namely speed freak was BP's name for me) huh! This was one of my BP's favourite 2 accusations, for me and everyone around me/us. That and me bonking every guy in the world, (sigh, if only I had time!).

[willtimeheal]

Hi all

My being a drug addict, (namely speed freak was BP's name for me) huh! This was one of my BP's favourite 2 accusations, for me and everyone around me/us. That and me bonking every guy in the world, (sigh, if only I had time!).

Ok I had to laugh when I read this thread. According to my ex BPD I am a drug addict too.  I do believe she projects her alcoholism on to me by saying I am an addict. It is a way she doesn't have to face that she is an alcoholic.

Calmboom... .It is amazing how they twist situations to suit their needs. They also do it I believe to avoid responsibility. My ex BPD raged at me a few weeks ago but never mentioned it or talked about it.  In fact she avoids it or wipes it to the side if it is mentioned. They can't handle the shame that comes with it so the twist and project.

[Proud_Dad]

I have to admit that I also got a bit of a chuckle form the previous posts in this thread, if not for the ridiculousness, then for the familiarity of the accusations. You see, according to my uBPDgf I am the worst of the worst sex addict because I used to watch porn as a single man (I no longer participate in this activity because I have absolutely no need or desire to). This is funny to me because I have always been a very modest person sexually. I feel like she is projecting her need to be desired sexually onto me in these accusations, and I have always seen how she associates sex with love and has a crazy high sex drive. If I am not constantly showing how much I desire her or begging for sex, then I must not truly love her and I MUST be getting it somewhere else.

The irony of the situation is the most frustrating part of it for me. I can be all over her trying to initiate and show her how attracted to her that I am, and she will push me away or stop me because she "hates her body because she doesn't look like one of my porn girls". Then she will blame all of her insecurities and the plight of women in this day and age on me and "men like" me because that is all us men want to see... .t_ts and _ss! 

Lets completely forget about the part where I have chosen her to be my wife one day, had children with her, live with her, love her and only her, provide for our family, the list goes on and on... .

[HopefulDad]

Yes, they believe it.  And in the cases where it's obvious even to my BPDw that she's clearly wrong, instead of owning up to it she'll forget about it.  She'll bury the shame so deep to make the incident go away.

[Vexed]

Imo, yes they absolutely believe it.  Mine has projected on to me then told me she feels the same way about herself a week later, but still doesn't see it.

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

The irony of the situation is the most frustrating part of it for me. I can be all over her trying to initiate and show her how attracted to her that I am, and she will push me away or stop me because she "hates her body because she doesn't look like one of my porn girls". Then she will blame all of her insecurities and the plight of women in this day and age on me and "men like" me because that is all us men want to see... .t_ts and _ss! 

Lets completely forget about the part where I have chosen her to be my wife one day, had children with her, live with her, love her and only her, provide for our family, the list goes on and on... .

Amen!

[thicker skin]

   You can laugh or cry... .I'm laughing, because I too, am a closet coke snorting, raging sex addict... .It's my secret double life  

I do have a small tipple before bed, but if I were to limit myself to a glass of champagne with Christmas dinner, I'd be an alcoholic in his mind  

I took a polygraph, naively thinking it would show my integrity, but he thought the other me sat it... .Then it was as valid as the day it was sat. No mention of the previous 18 yrs of paranoia, or attempt to change tack... .My behaviour is the problem and I need help  

I should be a secret agent, I'm so good at cleaning up the evidence  

[Cipher13]

Lets completely forget about the part where I have chosen her to be my wife one day, had children with her, live with her, love her and only her, provide for our family, the list goes on and on... .

I have on occasion tried to point these types of things out to my uBPDw from time to time out of frustration. All the proof in the world that I can show her I love her is not admisable in the Court of BPD. Those conflict with the current feeling so they are made up or fake or my al time favorite. I'm not doing them right. I don't love her right. I don't knwo how to be sensative enough correctly. I do initiate ramance right.

I to heard to my own surprise that I am "boinking' every living female that crossed my path. Especially at work. How does she prove this... .if I don't email of text at least 1 hour or less I am ignoring her and well you guessed it... .not ignoring all the other ladys.

[bruceli]

  You can laugh or cry... .I'm laughing, because I too, am a closet coke snorting, raging sex addict... .It's my secret double life  

I do have a small tipple before bed, but if I were to limit myself to a glass of champagne with Christmas dinner, I'd be an alcoholic in his mind  

I took a polygraph, naively thinking it would show my integrity, but he thought the other me sat it... .Then it was as valid as the day it was sat. No mention of the previous 18 yrs of paranoia, or attempt to change tack... .My behaviour is the problem and I need help  

I should be a secret agent, I'm so good at cleaning up the evidence  

Offered to do the same on countless occasions only to be told not to bother because those tests are inaccurate and I am such a good liar I would pass.

[willtimeheal]

The scary thing is I do believe if you video taped them saying all these things to you. Calling you names, accusing you of sleeping around, doing drugs, belittling you, etc and then played it back for them to watch... .I bet they would deny that they were the person in the video saying all those nasty things. Or they would say you had it edited or something bizare like that.

[kiwimitch]

I know exactly where you are coming from,  For my ex I always had another woman on the side somewhere...   The accusations gradually got worse and worse,,to a point of absolute lunacy. Even going to the doctors once, I just happened to change my shoes, and she was then convinced I wasn't going to the doctors at all, but visiting another woman. 

The most ridiculous things.

At the beginning I used to do my best to prove to her there was no other woman, but I quickly started to learn that no matter how much proof you give them that this is not happening, you just fuel it more for next time. Every phone call, every text was another woman. And one day, when I found out she had cheated on her 1st husband and was also cheating on me, I realized the whole thing was just a huge smokescreen to take attention away from her. 

Projecting herself into what she was portraying me to be.   

Her allegations got so crazy in the end, it defied belief. 

The best thing is not to try to justify yourself.  It makes absolutely no difference.  Even if you can show her proof positive you are not using drugs, another woman, whatever,,  it just feeds her mind even more to catch you next time... .  Crazy crazy stuff.  Get out... .!

[LilHurt420]

Sometimes I'm not sure.  I think in the moment my uBPDh believes his projections, but eventually he realizes that they're just crazy.  Instead of admitting he actually has a problem though he just tries to smoother me with hugs and kisses that I don't want after being abused in every possible way by him.

Last week my grandfather died and at the funeral I was talking to my cousin (who I had to spend a night with earlier that week because my H was out of control and I didn't want to deal with it... .so he knew that she knows whats going on).  He was sitting in the row behind me and asks me to come sit next to him for a second after I was done talking to her.  He then proceeded to ask me why I apologized to my cousin for wearing my wedding ring.  I had no idea what he was talking about, he said he heard her ask why I was wearing my ring, and I looked down at it and apologized.  We never even had a conversation about my ring so I have no idea where he even got that.  I went to her house a few days later and didn't wear my ring.  1/ because we were fighting and 2/ because I'm 5 months pregnant and my fingers are swollen.  He knows I only wear it out in public now (I was in sweats with no makeup or jewelry on when I left) and we even have tattoo rings so it's not like my wedding finger is bare. He even told me a few weeks ago when I was struggling to put it on to just stop wearing it so it doesn't get stuck.  I still wear it in public/at work usually though. I completely forgot the other incident he imagined at the funeral because... .well I was at my grandfathers funeral! So he took my ring away and hasn't given it back (5 days later).  He's accused me of being shady and not wanting the ring since all the imaginary events add up to that in his mind.  Did I mention he NEVER wears his ring... .but it's "ok" since he doesn't normally wear jewelry.

Ugh these things get exhausting even to explain

[grayarea]

LilHurt420 - I know what you mean by it being exhausting just explaining these scenarios.  My bf has replayed the SAME event/memory in a completely DIFFERENT way... .but of course how can I remember when I'm coked out all day everyday  .  I'm get so sick of their delusions and double standards.  I remember - and this is the one incident that made me really realize my bf has serious issues - I was at my sister's house where I called my bf from and he claimed he heard someone in the background saying "Ow, don't slap me so hard the next time."  He said he heard that in the background along with a man's voice as I called him right before I said hello.  What the heck!  Then he went on to accuse me of sleeping with my sister's bf   and we were doing something sexual as I called him  .  Nothing close to that even happened because my sister's bf was not even around and hello more importantly I would NEVER even touch my sister's bf let alone do something sexual - just so disgusting.  But the more I got to know BPD and him, I realized it's something he would do so in his mind it turned into something I would do too - if he can do it, I can too - I think it's what they believe which makes them believe their version of reality because it's what they know. 

[thicker skin]

Mine proposed... .4 years later, after a big renovation and move, he changed his mind, because of my salacious character, deviant activities and warped brain 

So, I took my ring off, thinking that I wasn't engaged... .Bad move!

The fallout was horrendous! It didn't matter that he had deceived me, dumped me and cost me everything... .I was disrespectful to him in not wearing his ring and looked available.

[MammaMia]

In a word ... ."yes".

They absolutely believe what their brain has twisted into reality for them.  Projecting is both extremely  hurtful and infuriating. My BPDs's projections remain consistent for the most part.  It is like a broken record of accusations that is played over and over and over in his mind.

When dysregulated there is no way to stop the projecting or rationalize it to them.  Stress is a definite trigger.

[Linda Maria]

Hi there!  Yep - they really do!  Last year when it all blew up with my uBPDsis - I had no idea about BPD then, and just thought she seemed to really hate me.  But as the accusations and lies got madder I realised there was something really wrong.  I was accused of having said she couldn't see my kids till July (this was in front of my daughter on the day I brought her to see my sister, because my sister wouldn't come to our house!).  I had never said this.  I was accused of lying to our probate solicitor about being made redundant - apparently I left my job of my own accord (the business closed down, we were all made redundant!), in various letters to other people she stated that I had a) retired (I was only 51, and was in fact working again), b) that I was trying to get deeds to properties put into my name (she had deposited the deeds herself with the solicitor, and this would not have been possible as they knew we were joint co-executors), c) that I had arranged to have her phone line cut off (don't think I would have been able to do this even if I had wanted to), d) that she didn't have a key to a property, when she had admitted she'd recently been there to show an estate agent round!  There were lots of other really nasty personal lies as well, but the thing that started me thinking there was something wrong was that so many of the lies were so obviously lies, and so easily disproved.  All other parties involved, solicitors etc. found it completely mad, and could see straight through it all, which did make me feel better, as I'd felt like I was going mad.  So - yes - I think they do believe it in the moment, and even when you put irrefutable proof in front of them - they still believe it!  It was realising I couldn't change this that made me realise I had to go NC for my own sanity.  There was simply nothing to be gained for either of us by my continued futile efforts to be civil, understanding, forgiving etc. I'd been split black (learning the language now) and that was it.  Good luck with everything.  JB