It has been eleven years...

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

It has been eleven years since my marriage to my second wife ended. I discovered that she suffered from BPD only after almost ten years into that relationship, when I myself went to therapy. She was the one who ended our marriage, or should I say who wanted to end it. But I did as I had always done in those thirteen years: I let her have her way. We had had two children together, who were seven and five years old at that time.

For me, there followed almost four years of cycles of depression. I went through at least seven therapies during that time and kept trying to free myself from the unresolved feelings I had about her and our relationship, and the illusion that there was still something to salvage from it, even though she had moved on and married someone else. After those four years, I finally was able to let go of the relationship. Or so I thought. Followed seven good years, where I also moved on, but without a partner, investing myself in my relationships with my children, my work, and my personal interests. Since we share custody of our children, I continued to see her regularly over those seven years. Our relationship at that level has mostly been civil and amicable, even though she has managed to turn our lives upside-down by her impulsive actions on a few occasions.

The last three months have been difficult for me for a variety of reasons unrelated to my ex-wife. I have not been depressed as such, but I am more insecure and fragile than I was in the seven preceding years. Suddenly, I find myself re-living feelings from the past about my ex-wife and our marriage. This is despite the fact that she divorced the man she left me for three years ago, and that she is now in a new disfunctional relationship with yet another man for whom she left her second husband. One would think that this would be proof positive that all my nostalgic thoughts about her should vanish into smoke. But no.

This is how I came to the BPD Family website. I have read several articles on it that have helped me realize once again what I had understood years ago in therapy. I am fighting these feelings of nostalgia and self-doubt that have resurfaced. I know deep down that they are based on misperceptions and insecurity. Nevertheless, I am amazed at how powerfully embedded in my consciousness they are. I now realize that breaking the emotional ties with a BPD partner may just be a lifetime endeavor. So be it. I must fight on. Because I know for a fact that all these feelings and thoughts are illusions rooted in my fears and insecurities and that the solution does not lie in a fictional narrative about the past.

The reason I am writing this is to let others know that the process of freeing oneself from the memories, unresolved feelings, and false hopes that overwhelm us in the wake of a failed relationship with a person suffering from BPD is a long one in which WE have to come to terms with the consequences. No one can do that for us, and certainly not our ex-partner.

[Phoenix One]

It has been eleven years since my marriage to my second wife ended. I discovered that she suffered from BPD only after almost ten years into that relationship, when I myself went to therapy. She was the one who ended our marriage, or should I say who wanted to end it. But I did as I had always done in those thirteen years: I let her have her way. We had had two children together, who were seven and five years old at that time.

For me, there followed almost four years of cycles of depression. I went through at least seven therapies during that time and kept trying to free myself from the unresolved feelings I had about her and our relationship, and the illusion that there was still something to salvage from it, even though she had moved on and married someone else. After those four years, I finally was able to let go of the relationship. Or so I thought. Followed seven good years, where I also moved on, but without a partner, investing myself in my relationships with my children, my work, and my personal interests. Since we share custody of our children, I continued to see her regularly over those seven years. Our relationship at that level has mostly been civil and amicable, even though she has managed to turn our lives upside-down by her impulsive actions on a few occasions.

The last three months have been difficult for me for a variety of reasons unrelated to my ex-wife. I have not been depressed as such, but I am more insecure and fragile than I was in the seven preceding years. Suddenly, I find myself re-living feelings from the past about my ex-wife and our marriage. This is despite the fact that she divorced the man she left me for three years ago, and that she is now in a new disfunctional relationship with yet another man for whom she left her second husband. One would think that this would be proof positive that all my nostalgic thoughts about her should vanish into smoke. But no.

This is how I came to the BPD Family website. I have read several articles on it that have helped me realize once again what I had understood years ago in therapy. I am fighting these feelings of nostalgia and self-doubt that have resurfaced. I know deep down that they are based on misperceptions and insecurity. Nevertheless, I am amazed at how powerfully embedded in my consciousness they are. I now realize that breaking the emotional ties with a BPD partner may just be a lifetime endeavor. So be it. I must fight on. Because I know for a fact that all these feelings and thoughts are illusions rooted in my fears and insecurities and that the solution does not lie in a fictional narrative about the past.

The reason I am writing this is to let others know that the process of freeing oneself from the memories, unresolved feelings, and false hopes that overwhelm us in the wake of a failed relationship with a person suffering from BPD is a long one in which WE have to come to terms with the consequences. No one can do that for us, and certainly not our ex-partner.

[poppy2]

wow that was a very moving post. Thankyou for sharing your story!

[Ad Meliora]

Welcome Phoenix One.  I agree with Poppy here.  I hope you will continue to participate and share.  I think your perspective would be a good one to have.