Do outsiders think you are the one with a problem

[Highlander]

Being with my dBPDh has led to situations whereby people who do not understand what is going on begin to start blaming me for having a problem and see my husband in a rather angelic light.

I am not naturally a control freak but many situations has led my husband to ask me to lock up all alcohol and money.  When entertaining guests, we are open enough to tell them that my husband has been diagnosed with an illness whereby I need to monitor his drink intake.  Sometimes we feel open enough to explain BPD and other times we simply state that he is struggling with a drinking problem. 

In regards to cash, it's rather annoying for me to always be the person to makes all purchases.  For instance - on shopping days I would rather be the person sitting in the truck (Like my husband does) having a rest instead of darting in and out of shops all day, because I have the cash and credit card.

When it comes to neighbors and what they may hear coming from our dwelling, at times they often hear what my husband has to say in a rage - that is "I hate you", "I want to leave you", "I hate you controlling my money", "you are such a b****", the list goes on.  Always the next day, in a quite voice, my husband will apologize and thank me profusely for ignoring his harsh words as well as taking actions to, at times, that result in saving his life.

Several weeks ago, my neighbors decided to corner my husband (when they saw that I had left to walk the dog) and tell him that they do not believe that he has BPD (even though they have admitted they know nothing about BPD) and that they believe I am the one with a mental problem!  They told him that they think I am a control freak and that they think that I abuse him!

Since then, my husbands health has deteriorated as even though he doesn't believe a word they say, he now feels uncomfortable answering the phone, getting the mail or walking around our property in case he is harassed by them!  I approached them last night (as my husband had asked me to tell them that their accusations are incorrect - as he is uncomfortable talking about his mental health).  They didn't believe me at all -surprisingly!

We have cut them off but does anybody else have similar experiences? 

Not only are we as partners/spouses etc living rather uncomfortable lives (often accused and abused as a result of black and white thinking) - but then there are the outsiders who don't understand but throw incredible accusations into the mix?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[eeyore]

Several weeks ago, my neighbors decided to corner my husband (when they saw that I had left to walk the dog) and tell him that they do not believe that he has BPD (even though they have admitted they know nothing about BPD) and that they believe I am the one with a mental problem!  They told him that they think I am a control freak and that they think that I abuse him!

Highlander have you read about gas lighting?  It's easy for other people to make an opinion based upon the limited things they see.  Living with them is so frustrating it's easy to become irritable and grumpy.  That is why it's imperative you take good care of yourself.  If that means taking a time out then do it. 

[Take2]

How incredibly frustrating and defeating to hear your neighbors say those things!  My ex-u-BPD-bf is a coworker and I suspect that many coworkers there have thought I was a total b**ch - because I had to completely cut off any and all friendly interaction with any men (my ex accused me constantly of being involved with other men in the office which has never ever been true) and then more recently when arguing with the ex,  someone walked by and I was the one who wound up looking like the lunatic because I found myself so angry at him for the ongoing verbal threats and accusions that I fought back (just arguing, not physically).  It's a beating to feel so abused and then realize that everyone around you thinks he is the one being abused... .  I truly feel for you... .

[Siamese Rescue]

I feel your pain.  I experienced this. Everyone around him thought I was in insecure, jealous, grouchy witch.  Unfortunately you can't recite to these people that he cheated for how many years in a row? that he has a pattern of chronic lying? that he triangulates women?

When I read Co-Dependent No More I got some temporary relief from caring what others thought of me.

[waverider]

The only real solution to this is not to keep trying to convince outsiders of anything. Believe in yourself and allows others to think what they will,. That is their stuff not yours, you have enough to deal with.

[Violista]

My ex and I broke up a couple of times, usually due to him misunderstanding something I said and interpreting it as me not caring about him. Often after we broke up he would post nasty statuses about me on facebook, and then elaborate in the comments, talking about how I don't care about him, about how he loved me and gave me everything and I didn't give back, how I only focus on the negative, and how I judge him solely based on rumours spread by people who don't know him (after I told him a few people had mentioned to me that they feel he might be mentally ill or have serious problems, and that I had once been warned by someone close to him not to date him because of how unstable he was. I said these things to him to try to make him realise that I wasn't the only one who felt he may need some help).

Once he painted me black on facebook as someone who likes to bring up petty issues for no reason and "keeps mentioning past issues". What were these petty past issues, you ask? A few days earlier, I accidentally woke him at night by turning over and lifting the covers too high, and then apparently I lay too close to him in bed which made him overheat. His response was to physically push me out of the bed with his leg. In the process, he injured my knee enough that it was sore for about three days. The incident really scared me, and made me wonder to what extent he was capable of physical violence, and I kept my distance from him for a few days without mentioning it. However, the next time I saw him he asked me why I was limping, so I told him. His response to was to rage at me, tell me that it was my fault because I woke him up, and accuse me of bringing up insignificant "past" issues. After this he went on facebook and painted me as someone who likes to bring up insignificant things just to torment him, and blames him for things that are my own fault.

In response to his "my ex girlfriend is so horrible to me" posts, he would get sympathetic replies from friends, saying how I seem like such a negative person, how sorry they are that I didn't give him the care he deserved, that he should just forget about me if I'm not truly interested in him, that he should find someone who accepts him and is really worth it, and assurances that not all women are like me. I was sickened by how the situation was misrepresented. I felt like screaming at those people. If only they knew what being with him was really like. I'm sure I was more patient with him than any of them would have been.

[Aussie0zborn]

I'm sure we have all been there.  Its very frustrating, isn't it? This is one of the many things that you can never win.  As suggested above, ignore others and learn the coping strategies as this is what will get you through.

[Highlander]

Thanks all,

I'm ok.  I am fortunate as now that my husband has been diagnosed, he now understands when he is thinking black and white & acting out on it.  He may not understand at the time, but always by the time he settles down.  We are both on the same page together and he has not listened to a word they say to be true.

Its likely that an incidence like this, had it occurred many years ago, he would have believed them.  His reasons for not wanting to tell them himself is that he can not trust himself to do so without raging at them.  He has since told them himself that their allegations are completely not true (and I was proud he kept his cool).  But even he could not convince them!

Luckily for us both, we have opened our eyes to personality disorders and when I asked him to read a couple of things about narcissistic personality disorder, he had a good old laugh - our neighbor has definitely many traits!

If only we didn't have to drag others into our lives but these neighbors did have a key to our place so that if I had to rush my husband to the hospital during the night, they could come over and care for our dog while away.  So they needed some sort of explanation as to why the occasional rage could be heard at their house, why the emergency visits and also why the police had visited a few weeks ago (he was self harming and I needed to call the emergency hotline).

Its always fascinating to hear other stories from people who have partners that outsiders only ever see the wonderful Mr Hyde, never the Dr Jeckle & when told that there is a Dr Jeckle, they prefer to believe that its not true.

[waverider]

Its always fascinating to hear other stories from people who have partners that outsiders only ever see the wonderful Mr Hyde, never the Dr Jeckle & when told that there is a Dr Jeckle, they prefer to believe that its not true.

Before we had been faced with this disorder we would never have understood it either, so dont judge too harshly, otherwise you can find yourself becoming bitter.

[eeyore]

just curious but what would the police reports say about the visit to your home?  It really bothers me that people aren't kinder and more compassionate. 

[waverider]

It really bothers me that people aren't kinder and more compassionate. 

BPD is just exaggerated traits that are common in many people. There are a surprising number of "normal" people who will readily blacken others in order to make themselves feel better, almost like a mild version of BPD behavior. This is the basis of gossip. Gossip is not based on compassion only projection and finger pointing.

This one of the reasons what we learn here also quips us better to deal with all people. They are just good interactions skills which need to be more finely tuned in order to deal with the extreme sensitivity requirements of pwBPD

[SunflowerFields]

Several weeks ago, my neighbors decided to corner my husband (when they saw that I had left to walk the dog) and tell him that they do not believe that he has BPD (even though they have admitted they know nothing about BPD) and that they believe I am the one with a mental problem!  They told him that they think I am a control freak and that they think that I abuse him!

How do you know this happened?

[eeyore]

Several weeks ago, my neighbors decided to corner my husband (when they saw that I had left to walk the dog) and tell him that they do not believe that he has BPD (even though they have admitted they know nothing about BPD) and that they believe I am the one with a mental problem!  They told him that they think I am a control freak and that they think that I abuse him!

How do you know this happened?

Here is what she said:

I approached them last night (as my husband had asked me to tell them that their accusations are incorrect - as he is uncomfortable talking about his mental health).  They didn't believe me at all -surprisingly!

[yeeter]

The only real solution to this is not to keep trying to convince outsiders of anything. Believe in yourself and allows others to think what they will,. That is their stuff not yours, you have enough to deal with.

I cant emphasize this enough.

Yes, its maddening when you feel you are being inaccurately portrayed to friends, community, et al.  Its been a HUGE personal struggle to combat this and not get sucked in.

But the best advice I was given:  Let your actions do your talking.

So I blocked it all out, and walked the walk and slowly, over a fairly long period of time, people are figuring things out.  Not all mind you, but some - which makes a big difference.

Besides, no amount of explaining in the world can accurately communicate whats going on.  Its part of the frustration of being in these relationships - unless you have been there, you really cant understand. 

Very frustrating.  Hugs.

[bombdiffuser]

My BPD wife is really high functioning and knows how to not rage in public. She will even sometimes hold her emotions back but get me alone for a minute and let me have it, then go back to famliy, friends and coworkers like nothing happened. I can't shake how pissed it get, so I end up looking like the bad guy. This is what was the hardest thing for me to understand about BPD, if she can control it when she needs to, how can she claim she can not control it at all. So for years I didn't really buy it. One of the worst reactions I had was telling her she had "Bhit Personality Disorder"... .bad move.

I have accepted that is just the way it is and am coping much better now, although it may be to late to save our marriage.

[VeryFree]

The closer persons get, the more they will see the real BPD.

It's hard to stand alone. You will start to doubt your own mind.

I was 'lucky': a few years ago my x exploded while my family was present. They were completely shocked, I really didn't like it back then, but now I'm glad it happened. Sometimes it's good to have witnesses.

If you don't: don't mind.

[briefcase]

I once asked my T how I should respond to people who might confront me based on my wife's version of our relationship and it's troubles.  I thought my T's suggestion was a good one.  She told me to tell other people that I was glad my wife had such good friends who cared for her so much, and that I was glad she had them in her life - and then end the discussion.

I wonder if you could have applied some version of this to the neighbors who were sticking their nose in.  They're trying to help in their own way - they just don't really understand.

[eeyore]

I once asked my T how I should respond to people who might confront me based on my wife's version of our relationship and it's troubles.  I thought my T's suggestion was a good one.  She told me to tell other people that I was glad my wife had such good friends who cared for her so much, and that I was glad she had them in her life - and then end the discussion.

Great reply.  I'm adding that to my repertoire.

[FullMetal]

Not quite the same way, actually a lot of outsiders in my relationship know the issues lie with her.  Many have asked why I stick around.  However there are a few who feel it is me who has the problems.  Usually control issues, not letting her do things, etc.  these are her closest friends as well.  The very friends who she runs to for comfort when I do something as horrible as, work late, work on the weekends, have plans months in advance that conflict with her last minute plans, don't have money to do something, etc.  One of her friends has even nearly successfully convinced her to leave me on several occasions.

I've actually taken away from this, to rather than confront them, know that there is always two sides to every story, two sides to every confrontation, i've made extreme concious efforts to address issues in our marriage.  and I think this last week we succeeded in a huge way.  I actually managed to defuse a major major problem that in the past I'd have kept from her, and chose my words extremely carefully so as to not bring up the BPD defense alarms.  Yet still be able to express my frustration at the problem.  Although to be honest, after the conversation, my thoughts went to, "I wonder how this will be replayed through the BPD Filter to her friends... .How will I be the bad guy in this?"

[SweetCharlotte]

Its always fascinating to hear other stories from people who have partners that outsiders only ever see the wonderful Mr Hyde, never the Dr Jeckle & when told that there is a Dr Jeckle, they prefer to believe that its not true.

Not to be a literature-nazi, Highlander, but isn't Dr. Jekyll the good guy and Mr. Hyde the miscreant? I wish Mr. Hyde were wonderful and Dr. Jekyll just a bit of a nerd. That would be my perfect guy.

Anyway, yes; one has to disregard what neighbors think. It's almost best to refuse to engage them on personal/intimate issues, especially involving mental health. I would limit any response to, "Were we talking too loud last night? Sorry and I hope we didn't disturb you."

[briefcase]

In most cases, outsiders who hang around any length of time tend to figure things out on their own.  That's been my experience too.  Unfortunately, Highlander's neighbors haven't seen the other side of him, yet.

[Highlander]

Apologies I have been offline a few days.  Wow the responses.

I will attempt to respond to as many as I can:

just curious but what would the police reports say about the visit to your home?  It really bothers me that people aren't kinder and more compassionate. 

Hi Eeyone,

I have not sighted the police report but when on the emergency hotline I explained that my dBPDh was having a bordeline rage and that I could not settle him down.  They asked if he was harming himself, I replies "yes", they asked if he had hurt me.  "No" I answered.  They asked if he had hurt me before "yes" I said.  When they arrived, my husband was calmer and explained to the police that he had just had a borderline rage.  He became very upset when the police did not know what borderline was.  This frustrated him as we had already explained to our local police (new to town) that there is a chance that, at times, they may need to be called out because husband occasionally experiences borderline rages and there are times when he won't settle down and authorities may need to be called.  I called the police the following day and thanked them for their assistance.  I mentioned to them that their police officers did not know what borderline is and that by not knowing they had offended my husband.  I suggested that they brief their officers in their next meeting.  After all of that, I would say that borderline was mentioned quite frequently in their report.

Several weeks ago, my neighbors decided to corner my husband (when they saw that I had left to walk the dog) and tell him that they do not believe that he has BPD (even though they have admitted they know nothing about BPD) and that they believe I am the one with a mental problem!  They told him that they think I am a control freak and that they think that I abuse him!

How do you know this happened?

Hi SunflowerFeilds,

I know it happened because my husband tells me everything and never lies or extends the truth.  Also because when I confronted my neighbours they agreed that that is what they said.

I once asked my T how I should respond to people who might confront me based on my wife's version of our relationship and it's troubles.  I thought my T's suggestion was a good one.  She told me to tell other people that I was glad my wife had such good friends who cared for her so much, and that I was glad she had them in her life - and then end the discussion.

I wonder if you could have applied some version of this to the neighbors who were sticking their nose in.  They're trying to help in their own way - they just don't really understand.

Hi Briefcase,

The very first thing I was ready to say to my neighbors was to tell them that we appreciated that they care.  However, the man gave me no room to speak. He blurted out what he thought of me and then when I asked him to let me talk, he walked away.

Its always fascinating to hear other stories from people who have partners that outsiders only ever see the wonderful Mr Hyde, never the Dr Jeckle & when told that there is a Dr Jeckle, they prefer to believe that its not true.

Not to be a literature-nazi, Highlander, but isn't Dr. Jekyll the good guy and Mr. Hyde the miscreant? I wish Mr. Hyde were wonderful and Dr. Jekyll just a bit of a nerd. That would be my perfect guy.

Anyway, yes; one has to disregard what neighbors think. It's almost best to refuse to engage them on personal/intimate issues, especially involving mental health. I would limit any response to, "Were we talking too loud last night? Sorry and I hope we didn't disturb you."

Hi SweetCharlotte,

I stand corrected.  I had Dr Jekyll & Mr Hyde the wrong way round.

In regards to refusing to engage them on personal issues:

Yes.  That is a difficult one for me.  I once had a neighbor that helped me to save my husbands life.  I called out for help and she rushed over and assisted until the ambulance arrived.  My husband agrees without her help he would not be alive today.  I also had these particular neighbors with a key to my house and at times I had to call them to look after my dog as I rushed my husband into the hospital as a result of my husbands mental health.  Then there is the times when they hear the abuse from him at the top of his voice... .and the police car... .so we both thought that they deserved an explanation.   

We thought that by explaining to them that he had been diagnosed and that he was getting all the treatment that he could find, that that would settle their minds.  Obviously not as they decided to take on what my husband said in his rages against me as 'word for word', but they never hear the apologies towards me the next day as they are not screamed out from our place, they are just quietly spoken words as my husband licks his wounds and feels terrible about it all.

There are many stories here that I can completely relate to.  I know that over time, the truth will actually come out, however, my husbands mental health does suffer when his beautiful amazing wife that he knows puts up with already so much because of his mental illness is attacked by other people who know nothing of what they are talking about. 

It has happened before with his family in the past before borderline was diagnosed.  They have now been corrected by my husband and now he feels obliged to correct our neighbor's.  He has been diagnosed by 7 professionals including a psychiatrist and 2 psychologists, yet our neighbors believe they know better and even tells him that he is wrong when he tells them that he is a BPD sufferer!

[eeyore]

I suspect your neighbors wish that they didn't have neighbors with "problems".  This is their way to distance themselves from the situation.  They don't want you to ask for their help because it would cause them to become involved in your problems.  What better way than to get your husband to tell you that they spoke disparagingly of you.  In any event I think it's right to take the high road and just let it go. 

[SweetCharlotte]

I don't think it's that they resent having to help neighbors in the midst of a crisis. It's that once they have helped, they adopt a "Rescuer" stance. They are superior because they saved you, they have all the answers if you would only listen to them, etc. Now that they are in this role (see the Karpman Triangle), they want more control over your situation. As they become more aggressive about taking control, they move into a Persecutor role, in which they begin to abuse you.

So in terms of the Karpman Triangle, one is supposed to stop being the Victim who needs to be rescued, by occupying the center of the triangle. Perfect geometry but not sure how to do it behaviorally.

[goldylamont]

BPD is just exaggerated traits that are common in many people. There are a surprising number of "normal" people who will readily blacken others in order to make themselves feel better, almost like a mild version of BPD behavior. This is the basis of gossip. Gossip is not based on compassion only projection and finger pointing.

This one of the reasons what we learn here also quips us better to deal with all people. They are just good interactions skills which need to be more finely tuned in order to deal with the extreme sensitivity requirements of pwBPD

waverider, this is so true. i would say the majority of the things my ex did were just great big exaggerations of what 'nons' might do (if they lacked integrity). i mean, it's all too common to try and make people jealous, or complain about your ex, maybe not tell the whole truth, etc. it was really just the degree to which all of this was done that was so shocking. unless you've experienced this first hand before i can see how many people simply wouldn't believe it.

I have a question for Highlander and others--have any of you ever spoken to someone else who was truly hurt by your ex/soBPD? i had a couple conversations with my ex's roomate after they had a fallout. she (the roomate) would physically shake sometimes whenever my ex's name came up--but in relation to the question here, as i listened to the roomy tell me stories about things that really seemed to bother her to the core, it just didn't really seem like a big deal. what i mean to say is that from the outside looking in when i heard someone else saying the things that really got to them, the actual incident itself (like borrowing something and never giving it back, etc) didn't seem to measure up with the amount of pain this person was in. but, i *knew* how this person felt b/c i had been there.

i truly feel a lot of the things that a pwBPD could do that can really hurt us just don't sound like that big of a deal to someone who doesn't understand--so we are just misunderstood. but more importantly, it clued me in that it's not necessarily what was done, but how it was done, or how harsh the intentions were behind it. the stories the roomy told me weren't so bad, but later after i thought about my ex's possible intentions behind it was when i was really appalled. just disgusted at the time. however it's next to impossible to try and describe this to someone who hasn't seen it first hand... .so i come here and write it out!   

[eeyore]

I have a question for Highlander and others--have any of you ever spoken to someone else who was truly hurt by your ex/soBPD?

yes. All us have FOO issues which is most likely why we all stayed longer than we should have.  Loved with all our hearts.  Now damaged.  The others could be damaged for life because of their experience.  I know I've been damaged but I hope to over come it. 

[goldylamont]

i'm sorry, can you explain what FOO is? and what it means in the context of your sentence? i've been on here for a while and still i've never figured it out   thanks 

[SweetCharlotte]

FOO=Family of Origin (i.e. your parents and siblings)

[Violista]

He told me today that he and his mother read the birthday card I sent him yesterday, and that his mother "couldn't believe it and teared up and said how can she write such nice things but not put them into practice and treat you badly"

So yeah, I guess this means he's painted me black to his mother too.

[waverider]

He told me today that he and his mother read the birthday card I sent him yesterday, and that his mother "couldn't believe it and teared up and said how can she write such nice things but not put them into practice and treat you badly"

So yeah, I guess this means he's painted me black to his mother too.

Dont assume that his version of what others may say is necessarily correct either. This twisting of reality works both ways, and can end up triangulating and setting third parties against each other.

This is very common to the point of being normal BPD behavior. It can be very convincing, even if you know for sure it is happening. Our own insecurities makes us vulnerable to it