Need perspective on daughter/family

[Gorges]

Hello,

I am new. My daughter is diagnosed with a mood disorder but shows BPD traits. Her therapist gave me a book on BPD to help me. Her whole like I have had structure and consequences. Last year things got out of control and my husband did not support this approach to parenting and sometimes undermined and did not present as a united front. My daughter is no longer physically abusive and does not destroy property. Once she saw that I would call the police and she would be charged as an adult she stopped this behavior shortly after turning 16. She is very mean and verbally abusive towards me. She is almost 17 and I have a son that is 13 and very kind and peaceful. She can be horrible to all family members but she is the worst to me. My husband and therapist believe that all we should do is walk away when she is calling me a b___ repeatedly. I am also supposed to avoid conflict by not asking her to do things. This is against my values but I am doing what they advise and have become depressed. I feel demeaned and powerless. Is there truth to their advice? I believed in structure and discipline but my husband didn't so I became the target of her anger and knew I had to give up.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hi Gorges,

I'm so glad that you joined and are sharing your story here!  And I am also sorry to learn that your daughter has BPD traits.  Having a teen daughter with the traits of BPD is so painful, my daughter was diagnosed w/traits at age 12 and she is 18 now.

It's good that she is therapy, do you attend with her sometimes?  What kind of therapy is she in?

Reading up on the disorder to understand what is the root cause behind her behaviors is very helpful, it can help us not to personalize some of these behaviors.  It does still hurt though... .to be raged at and called names.

I think that walking away from verbal abuse makes sense.  Not engaging in circular arguments or reacting emotionally is good advice.  I set a boundary with my daughter about this kind of behavior.  Because I value respect I set this value based boundary with my daughter:  If you become verbally abusive towards me I will tell you that I need self time.  When we are both calm we can revisit the conversation again, then I am going to walk away.  Then I did it consistently. 

Do you think this is what her therapist is getting at?  Setting boundaries with your daughter?

Also, which book did your therapist give you?

lbj

[trainwreck4]

Welcome Gorges!  I haven't posted for ages, but I have checked in regularly. You are almost exactly where I was a year ago. I too am the preferred target for my daughter, however she didn't rage so much as she would tell horrible stories about me. I too was the structure/discipline advocate for our household. I have three younger children that have thrived in this environment. I don't know what advice to give you about backing off of this with her. My husband and I had a really hard time coparenting her because he was more inclined to the path of least resistance... .  The only peace I have found in all this is that I try to always do what it is that I can live with.  She is now 18 and in an apartment by her own choosing. I can tell you that the only way I could defuse the chaos she created for us was to show no reaction. It also became something that gave me peace... .  All those years I wished there was another mother that could understand all the feelings I had regarding my daughter, so I hope me understanding how it feels to walk in your shoes helps! 

[Gorges]

Thank you! These replies are helpful. I am on a weekend away and only have my iPhone so difficult to type! I feel better knowing that walking away is a good enough boundary. I used to turn her phone off by my husband didn't support that so it further increased her abuse of me because I looked like the bad guy. Good to know I am not alone. I usually can walk away but I lost my temper last weekend and had been feeling a depression and sleep problems emerge. So I'm taking some time away but unfortunately still think about the problems and get upset! I will explore this message board more when I get back home. Maybe it will now be my go to after getting attacked.

[thefixermom]

Gorges, I hope you can find some peace and enjoyment in your time away. Our thoughts control our moods and just like our BPD loved ones, we are susceptible to feeling bad when our thoughts are bad. It takes a dedicated focus to change our thought to something uplifting, distracting and enjoyable but it can be done. Wherever you are, I hope you can look around and find that vacation for your mind.  I get quiet a lot when my DD unloads her verbal attacks on me, too.  She then calls me "high and mighty" or accuses me of setting her up just so I can look like the mature one, etc.  I let her rant on and she eventually quits and I feel better for not having gotten engaged in the downward spiral, which always ends horribly and takes a huge physical and emotional toll on me. We are all human, though, and sometimes we do falter. I know very well how it is to beat ourselves up with regret afterwards.  I have been practicing forgiving myself quickly.  I mean, look at how quick we forgive our BPD's... .we deserve at least the same, is my thought.  Take care.  Nice to meet you.

[js friend]

Hi Georges.

My dd is now 20 and has her own place to live.She left home just after her 17th birthday and i can tell you there was very little peace in our home from around 15yrs until the day she left.

looking back now I can see that the arguments i used to engage in with dd were often circular and lead us no where.  Often my dd would often  nit-pick at everyone until she got the response she wanted and her chance to walk out and her excuse to leave. It is better not to engage in these senseless arguments Georges. I think your therapist and dh are right. This continual emotional rollercoaster takes so much out of us im not suprised you are feeling depressed and powerless but believe me you are showing more power and self control by not responding to the name calling and other bad behaviours the way your dd expects.Eventually your dd will realise that that behaviour wont  reward her with the response she is looking for.

I know that When my dd is dysregulated it is no good me to try to get my point across or Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain (JADE) anything she has already "lost it" at that point, her mind is fixed, and just isnt listening at that point. It is better to return to the issue when she is calm and for you to state this in a clam voice.

This is probably drive your dd wild the first few times, and she will probably up her behaviour to get that response but persist with it Georges and eventually she will get it.

Also it is important to take care of yourself Georges. Maybe go for a walk, meet with friends, have a night out with dh, etc. youll be suprised how the smallest thing can make a difference.