part 2: A cautionary tale of why it’s not a good idea to bring uBPDp on a silent retreat

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Mod Note:  This thread was split from: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=329031.0;all

Help! How to proceed:
He came home early after work, I suspect because I turned off my phone, he isn’t able to track me when it’s shut off. When he got home, he was on the phone, speaking in high pitch adgitated way with his partner. I made dinner and my mom and I invited him to sit down to eat. While he was speaking to my mother about xyz, he also turned to me in a very angry way and asked “do you have any update for me?”. I managed to put the car up for lease busters, so I confirmed it. WhAt about the second, he asked. By second he meant the house. I said that I don’t want to sell the house. Or at least I want to discuss this decision. His reply was; when you start making money, you will have a say. For now, you will do as you are told. I replied that I needed to get the full picture, why did he decide that we need to sell, what’s the urgency and so on... .
he went quiet, and said in a very low voice “is this your final word?”
I said this I’m open for sale, but I wanted to find out what the next step is, to which he replied “don’t come begging me for money in several weeks”.
He then went downstairs to the basement and is there now. Should I go down and try to speak to him? Or should I wait for him to engage? How do I act?

[snowglobe]

Mod Note:  This thread was split from: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=329031.0;all

Help! How to proceed:
He came home early after work, I suspect because I turned off my phone, he isn’t able to track me when it’s shut off. When he got home, he was on the phone, speaking in high pitch adgitated way with his partner. I made dinner and my mom and I invited him to sit down to eat. While he was speaking to my mother about xyz, he also turned to me in a very angry way and asked “do you have any update for me?”. I managed to put the car up for lease busters, so I confirmed it. WhAt about the second, he asked. By second he meant the house. I said that I don’t want to sell the house. Or at least I want to discuss this decision. His reply was; when you start making money, you will have a say. For now, you will do as you are told. I replied that I needed to get the full picture, why did he decide that we need to sell, what’s the urgency and so on... .
he went quiet, and said in a very low voice “is this your final word?”
I said this I’m open for sale, but I wanted to find out what the next step is, to which he replied “don’t come begging me for money in several weeks”.
He then went downstairs to the basement and is there now. Should I go down and try to speak to him? Or should I wait for him to engage? How do I act?

[formflier]

Please... please... take the car off lease busters.

Apologize to him for giving him the impression you are in agreement with his plan.  Drop the matter.

Let him do whatever he will do.

FF

[formflier]

Wait for him to approach your respectfully to discuss any of this.

It may be a long time.

Your signature and consent, which I assume is needed to sell the house, is yours alone to give.

He doesn't own it. 

Just as you can't "force" him to do what you want.

FF

[Harley Quinn]

Sit down with your family and eat dinner.  Take care of your basic needs.  It's important that you don't let someone else's drama derail your caring for yourself.  I agree with FF.  Let him come to you when he has something more to say.  I get the impression that the low voice you describe was threatening in nature?  Do you have your parents around you for the rest of the day? 

Love and light x

[snowglobe]

Please... please... take the car off lease busters.

Apologize to him for giving him the impression you are in agreement with his plan.  Drop the matter.

Let him do whatever he will do.

FF

Ff, I have only completed the intake, they need a payment, pictures and description for it it go online. Earlier he told me; if you will not do this, I will. I went quiet. So I partially initiated lease busters. I do think that is having a car in the amount of mortgage is ridiculous, but I wasn’t the one leasing or making decisions regarding it in the first place. All him, it was a surprise for the birthday he had ruined for me. So technically it’s my birthday present. Therefore my car. Do I need that lavish car- not really. If he can’t pay for therapy our son needs or mortgage, it’s not something I need. The house, on the other hand has been a sold source of protection should we need money for therapy, or take out money for business. Selling it hasn’t been discussed or decided. He is spinning out of control, and is bringing me with him. I never know what to focus on. My school starred a week ago, I’ve missed The first class, so I need to catch up. I need to care for my children, I need to do housework.
When he approaches me, how do I have the conversation?

[snowglobe]

Sit down with your family and eat dinner.  Take care of your basic needs.  It's important that you don't let someone else's drama derail your caring for yourself.  I agree with FF.  Let him come to you when he has something more to say.  I get the impression that the low voice you describe was threatening in nature?  Do you have your parents around you for the rest of the day? 

Love and light x

@HQ,
Thank you for the sound advice. My parents are live in caregivers for our children. They have been living with us since my youngest was born, which is 11 years this year.
He sounded very threatening. As he was going to start doing something, I can’t explain, his choice of words: “are these your final words?.” Don’t send a good impression. I have my mom for the rest of the day, was thinking of driving the kids to extra curricular and staying away from the house. Good? Bad idea? Would if further trigger him?

[Notwendy]

Please clarify where you are. Are all of you in your regular home with your parents there as well? Then there is another residence where he works? So he's having his fit in front of your parents?

With your parents around, I think you are reasonably physically safe. It would be hard for him to hurt you physically in front of your parents, and if he verbally abuses you in front of them, then they would be witnesses.

Why should you follow him into the basement? Let him cool off. Or spin his wheels or porn out or whatever he is going to do to calm himself. You don't have to be his human pacifier. One task of children is to learn to self soothe. This isn't easy-- he can't do it and neither can you when he's like this. Both of you need to practice that task.

He's acting emotionally like an 4 year old toddler who wanted a cookie and mom said no. If he needs to go in time out, let him.

You take care of the kids and be with your family. Will it trigger him? Well so is about anything you do. Let him learn to deal with that. Go hang out with your mom and kids if you want to.

[formflier]

Uggg... overthinking alert.  That being said, we've all been there.

All of your decision sound like you are considering the impact on his behavior.

Please... .be a Mom to your kids, enjoy that time.  Let your hubby sort himself out.

FF

[formflier]

You take care of the kids and be with your family. Will it trigger him? Well so is about anything you do. Let him learn to deal with that. Go hang out with your mom and kids if you want to.

This... yes!  Keep the focus on the bold!

FF

[snowglobe]

Please clarify where you are. Are all of you in your regular home with your parents there as well? Then there is another residence where he works? So he's having his fit in front of your parents?

With your parents around, I think you are reasonably physically safe. It would be hard for him to hurt you physically in front of your parents, and if he verbally abuses you in front of them, then they would be witnesses.

Why should you follow him into the basement? Let him cool off. Or spin his wheels or porn out or whatever he is going to do to calm himself. You don't have to be his human pacifier. One task of children is to learn to self soothe. This isn't easy-- he can't do it and neither can you when he's like this. Both of you need to practice that task.

He's acting emotionally like an 4 year old toddler who wanted a cookie and mom said no. If he needs to go in time out, let him.

You take care of the kids and be with your family. Will it trigger him? Well so is about anything you do. Let him learn to deal with that. Go hang out with your mom and kids if you want to.

I’m in my “regular home”, where I’ve lived for the past 11 years, my parents reside with us, they have “in law suite”, each child has their own bedroom, enough space for us all to be “comfortable.
He works in another big city 600 km away from our home city. He has several business, the primary one, for now, is far away, the other is “home based”.
He physically assaulted me even when my parents and children are in the house, he did it behind the closed door. I do find though if I don’t go approaching him, I’m not “asking for it”, which reduces tension.
I admit to having very hard time regulating my emotions when he starts threatening like this, all of the prior trauma resurfaces and becomes too much to handle. I ended up taking the children and driving to extra curricular.

[snowglobe]

Thank you so much @Ff and @HQ,
I’m doing my best to breathe and focus on the present moment.