I think I understand. This is not something is I experienced in my r/s so much but more after. (Because Mr. Hyde didn't come out until after.)
Here is a thumbnail of what happened with me, which may not seem relevant, but bear with me.
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Not to get too far into it, my ex waited for me to leave someone else, and I took too long. He knew I was with someone else when we got together, and that leaving the other person would not be easy, and I'd never made him any promises. He had every right and reason to move on, but instead he clung to me and hid his anger until he'd secretly lined up someone else, and then dumped me suddenly and with maximum venom. I have always felt I was a compassionate person (and in fact it was one of the things he said he loved about me), but after he dumped me he let me know he "saw me for what I was" and that I'd been letting him dangle for two and a half years. He wasn't making up the broader facts, but he was distorting them, and also not making any attempt to understand my point of view. (I won't bore you with my point of view.) B
His feeling of victimhood was real, magnified by abandonment fears, and I was primed to take on all the blame and guilt. I was devastated about losing him, and I thought everything was my fault and I was a horrible person. Before I met him, I'd thought of myself as a good person, and yet here I was with my life in runs, and I had hurt two people I cared about, and it just absolutely unmoored me. Who WAS I? I could not figure out which way was up, for the better part of a year. I just kept bouncing between self-loathing and feeling victimized.
I'm not a religious person, but I think there is a lot to "Love your neighbor as yourself." The wisdom of this is not just about how you love other people, but also about how you love yourself. To be a good person in the world, you have to start with yourself. I am working hard on this. I've had to work really hard to understand how I got in a situation where I was stuck between two men. I almost understand now. I can start forgiving myself and doing better in the world.
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Thanks for bearing with me.
I'm not saying you did anything wrong. But all it takes is a kernel of truth, and that's enough to make it hard to see which way is up. It's a sore, vulnerable spot, a wound that won't heal on its own.
I guess you could say that I am stuck the most because I keep believing these lies about myself, and keep thinking I did something wrong.
So I ask, what are the lies you're believing?
Is there any truth to them? Even a tiny, distorted kernel of truth?
Can you forgive yourself for that tiny kernel?
I feel stuck because of what my ex did to me. I was so vulnerable and in need, and she shoved me off a cliff. And then tried to make me believe I deserved it. I have never met something so cruel. In a way, I even believed these things deeper about myself because of how she acted. Like she was SO cut off from me, I thought the only way that could possibly be true is if I had truly done something so terrible.
The thing she made you believe about yourself was that you were too needy? Is that it?
Is it wrong to rely on the person you love?
Can you think of any reason you might feel a kernel of shame about that?
I am just spitballing. Because I think if you are stuck with what feel like false beliefs, you have to dig into what you brought to the relationship that made you vulnerable to those false beliefs.
Does that even make sense?
