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empath
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Questions about psych evals
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on:
July 02, 2014, 10:58:05 AM »
As part of the standard process for uBPDh's new career field, he is required to undergo a basic psychological evaluation. He has set up the first appointment for next week. The psychologist said that there will be 2-3 interviews, including one with both of us.
I'm not sure which instrument, if any, the psychologist will be using. UBPDh has already said that he doesn't 'trust' me to keep his confidences about his feelings and such. I think that the joint interview will address our marriage, most likely. I am concerned that in the process, I will be 'truthful' in a way that is not what uBPDh would want. Also, if things come out during the process that prevent him from continuing to pursue this career, he may decide it is my fault.
So, does anyone have suggestions on how to handle this process? I am feeling particularly anxious about it.
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maxsterling
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Re: Questions about psych evals
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Reply #1 on:
July 02, 2014, 12:20:12 PM »
In all honesty, do you think his psychological issues could hinder him in his new career field, and if they do, would other people be at risk? I guess if it was me, and I saw where my girlfriend's behavior could hurt others, I think I would have to be honest. Sounds to me like your husband is asking you to lie for him - and that's a big problem in any relationship, BPD or not.
My GF is worried that her past will keep her from her future career. But she does enough shooting herself in the foot and it doesn't take me to have to speak up. Anytime she has to go through a background check of any kind, she assumes they will find something and she will be denied. And she has been denied, so her concerns are justified.
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empath
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Re: Questions about psych evals
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Reply #2 on:
July 02, 2014, 02:02:35 PM »
The new career is in a people-oriented field with lots of potential for harm to people; there is also a minimum of oversight, so good mental health is very important. I have 'refused' to lie for him before, and he has been upset about that. I haven't had to disclose things that he has told me privately in these situations. I've been pretty careful about not betraying a confidence, but he is worried that I might. They are all things that he has done and is public or what I am thinking/feeling. Some of the more clear indications of his difficulties are things that he 'explains' away.
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bpbreakout
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Re: Questions about psych evals
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Reply #3 on:
July 09, 2014, 06:25:55 PM »
Interesting post empath ! Obviously I don't know the whole story but I'm amazed that a job selection process would involve a partner / spouse being interviewed by a psychologist (albeit jointly), it seems like sailing very close to the wind to me. Is it the employer who requires your involvement or something your uBPDh wants ?
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empath
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Re: Questions about psych evals
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Reply #4 on:
July 10, 2014, 11:37:44 AM »
The employer requires my involvement, and it is 'normal' for this type of position and the process for a spouse to be considered as well. UBPDh has the first interview this afternoon, so I'm sure that he will have to 'verbally process' what went on when he gets home this evening.
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reluctanthusband
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Re: Questions about psych evals
«
Reply #5 on:
July 10, 2014, 01:02:38 PM »
My 2 cents. Me and my uBPDw have been having difficulties going to two different churches because she painted my(our) church black. Said I wasn’t the spiritual leader, the old church sucks and they don’t care for people etc. Well she tried to get me to go to her church lock stock an barrel I said no and when I did she Bucked HARD! When that happened I contacted the young adult pastor of the group that she goes to And the main pastor to let them know 1 that I thought they were a good safe church and that I would not be attending there.
Some of her friends had believed that I was just that lame luke warm "Christian Husband" and although I don’t have proof I believe that is what my wife is feeding them at least everybody but the pastor's. They understood and even told her that she should return to our church and work it out instead of walking away from the problem(LOL Her!). Well of course because she is nice to people and not outwardly crazy they don't make a big deal about it.
One day she asks me if she can have my blessing to become a leader in the Young Adult ministry. I say "What!" you tell me I have no authority then ask my permission? I checked in with the pastor and he said that he required it. I told him that I did not approve and that it would not be a good ide to have her leading anybody. He agreed but left the aftermath to me which was his duty. The point of this story is that if you lie/smudge/bend the truth can you live with yourself? I think that if you can you should shelter that workplace from your spouses illness. Heck you may be able to call and talk to them and premtively let them know the situation and prevent saying any thing that might get you in trouble with your spouse. It also gives them the knowledge to ask the right questions to pull it out of him with out you having to say anything.
I would say that this is a slippery slope if your spouse finds out. I know it was difficult for me when my wife found out I spoke to the pastors in my case it was to preserve the fact that I was a good dude and that I was not a spiritualy absent husband(actually quite the oposite I serve often at my church). Often times I feel like it is my duty for now to protect people and my wife from herself. It is a sad truth I feel I have to live.
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bpbreakout
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Re: Questions about psych evals
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Reply #6 on:
July 10, 2014, 07:23:08 PM »
Wow no option then.
I'm not sure whether the job has your blessing or not
My take on it is that ultimately this is a relationship between uBPDh and his future employer. It's not up to you to screen or provide a reference on behalf of your husband for his employer and neither is it up to you to secure the job for uBPDh. It's difficult to say much without knowing the nature of the job but it's sounds as if there are some personal areas you and uBPDh are nervous about. I think it's very reasonable to have a boundary that says there are areas you won't go on the basis that it's a matter for uBPDh and his employer to discuss. I would have thought all the employer would want out of this is to see is that uBPDh has a stable supportive home life and there are no issues that would cause uBPDh not to do his job properly.
Good luck with it
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empath
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Re: Questions about psych evals
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Reply #7 on:
July 10, 2014, 08:20:35 PM »
The situation is difficult to explain without going into some of more identifying details. There are more roles for each of us than is typical in an employment situation.
As we talked after his interview this afternoon, it sounded like basic psych history. He told her about his FOO, suicidal ideations/depression, our miscarriages, his coping mechanisms (the ones that he thinks are okay to share), and his anger issues with our children. He also said that the interview with me will be individual, so that's probably a good thing. Afterward, he was feeling positive and willing to 'be an open book'
I'm not really willing to lie or bend the truth for him, so I'm planning to be honest about my experiences and history. There are areas in which he has 'different memories' of things that happened.
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empath
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Re: Questions about psych evals
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Reply #8 on:
July 11, 2014, 03:20:16 PM »
So, I am trying to think about what the ongoing 'issues' are in our marriage -- things that have made for difficulties.
The list so far:
Anger/rage/abuse on uBPDh's part
Financial irresponsibility -- and wide swings between hands-off and ultra controlling
Sexual issues -- wide swings there too
Alcohol use (it's not at alcoholic levels, but there is some inappropriate use there)
Intensity of emotions
Lack of respect for my viewpoint/goals/contribution
uBPDh's employment instability
His willingness to say what people want to hear
Lack of trust toward me
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takingandsending
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Re: Questions about psych evals
«
Reply #9 on:
July 11, 2014, 04:31:09 PM »
Hi Empath. I can see what a difficult position you are in. Being very new to this myself with our T recently contacting me to tell me of my uWBPD, I too have concerns that my wife is in the midst of developing a career as a coach/advisor and would be interacting with people in need. My concern was two-fold. 1) Would this serve to reinforce her illness even further? 2) Could she harm someone under the intent of helping? She is a functional, outward acting BP. My T advised that as long as the interactions were not close, i.e. web or phone based and not developing into close interpersonal relationships, it should not harm either her or her clients. I believe the answer has to be dependent upon your unique circumstance, but perhaps the question to ask is: Am I maintaining my values and beliefs, or am I stepping out of alignment with what I believe/value to not harm my partner? The latter has led to a lot of difficulties for me. I acted as I did not so much to protect her as out of fear of my personal situation with her worsening, which inevitably it did anyway. I am having to learn to check my own compass before getting drawn into her battles. Let us know how it goes. I am rooting for you.
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empath
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Re: Questions about psych evals
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Reply #10 on:
July 13, 2014, 06:33:24 PM »
Thanks, it is a difficult situation with lots of potential for interpersonal relationships and unclear boundaries. I'm not focused on making sure that my situation is good; it is more about preventing harm on either side.
We just had a discussion about some of my own frustrations in an area that he had had significant difficulties in the past. It was actually a pretty calm conversation, but he was telling me that I was probably acting like he did in his situation. He wasn't really able to hear my experience, only his. He asked if I was feeling what he felt, and I wasn't -- but he thinks that I'm just denying it.
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takingandsending
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Re: Questions about psych evals
«
Reply #11 on:
July 14, 2014, 12:03:39 AM »
You are welcome. If your intentions are to prevent harm and benefit others, I think that you have to trust that, even if it isn't necessarily a great outcome for you. Right now, I am going to NAMI meetings every other week, but can't tell my uBPDw exactly what I am doing. It is hard for me not to be completely open, but I do not want to stigmatize her or put more pressure on her as "the problem". What's hardest of all though is working with my own mind that still feels she is "the problem". I have so much unresolved anger, resentment, hope and fear to untangle. I want to race ahead to the solutions part of this story, but I know I am not truly there yet. So, I will keep working with validation for self and others as my starting point. I hope you gain some peace of mind before your interview. Sounds like you are really trying to do the right thing, which ain't easy. Good luck.
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empath
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Re: Questions about psych evals
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Reply #12 on:
July 22, 2014, 05:06:09 PM »
The evaluation turned out to be a pretty basic screening for mental health issues. I had about 20 minutes with the psychologist who wanted to know my own feelings and thoughts about the new career path and how I perceived my husband's strengths and weaknesses. So, I mentioned depression, anger, swings in mood, and difficulties trusting others (including me). The psych didn't see any 'red flags' in his mental health. UBPDh talked with the psych about the possibility of doing some 'marriage counseling' (he is concerned about the 'arguments' that we have).
Later, we were at a bookstore, and I was looking at a book about how to deal with narcissists. I was careful to say that the book wasn't about him personally. He mentioned that certain careers attract narcissists and borderlines; I commented that I had heard that. I also found a DBT book that mentioned tolerating negative emotions -- he said that he didn't want to do that.
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takingandsending
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Re: Questions about psych evals
«
Reply #13 on:
July 22, 2014, 06:13:02 PM »
Quote from: empath on July 22, 2014, 05:06:09 PM
I was careful to say that the book wasn't about him personally. He mentioned that certain careers attract narcissists and borderlines; I commented that I had heard that. I also found a DBT book that mentioned tolerating negative emotions -- he said that he didn't want to do that.
Seems like you did a good job of navigating those waters, Empath. Regarding the bookstore, do you ever get used to that feeling of dancing around the truth? I know that truth is relative to the eye of the beholder, but my very wise teacher once said that even the relative truth matters, too.
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formflier
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Re: Questions about psych evals
«
Reply #14 on:
July 22, 2014, 10:30:55 PM »
Quote from: empath on July 22, 2014, 05:06:09 PM
The evaluation turned out to be a pretty basic screening for mental health issues. I had about 20 minutes with the psychologist who wanted to know my own feelings and thoughts about the new career path and how I perceived my husband's strengths and weaknesses. So, I mentioned depression, anger, swings in mood, and difficulties trusting others (including me). The psych didn't see any 'red flags' in his mental health. UBPDh talked with the psych about the possibility of doing some 'marriage counseling' (he is concerned about the 'arguments' that we have).
Later, we were at a bookstore, and I was looking at a book about how to deal with narcissists. I was careful to say that the book wasn't about him personally. He mentioned that certain careers attract narcissists and borderlines; I commented that I had heard that. I also found a DBT book that mentioned tolerating negative emotions -- he said that he didn't want to do that.
I think you did a great job with this.
These type of employers are used to getting conflicting information. It is rare that one piece decides it either way... .so if it doesn't go well... .it isn't necessarily you.
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empath
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Re: Questions about psych evals
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Reply #15 on:
July 23, 2014, 12:22:34 PM »
The eval includes 'areas to keep an eye on'; in uBPDh's case, those are going to be anger and depression. He is aware enough to know that those are ongoing issues in his life that he has to keep in check.
As far as dancing around the truth, I think that there are different ways of looking at what is true. With pwBPD, I've been thinking about the lack of easy 'fixes' for their difficulties. It seems that the treatment is more about managing symptoms and learning skills to cope with the ways that it manifests itself. For my part, understanding the core issue of basic mistrust helps me to communicate in a way that he can hear it.
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takingandsending
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Re: Questions about psych evals
«
Reply #16 on:
July 23, 2014, 03:02:37 PM »
empath, relative truth is exactly that ... .relative to our experiences, i.e subject to different ways of looking at it. I find myself still struggling with skirting around telling uBPDw that I go to NAMI meetings every other week for my own self-care. The books you were getting were intended to help you relate to your husband. One of my values that I have compromised is open, honest communication. I am still trying to define how that can look in my RS. It's easier to not be open and avoid triggering my wife. But it doesn't sit comfortably with me to do that. Do you experience a paradox between understanding the core issue of basic mistrust in your spouse, yet not being able to tell him the reason why you are looking at the books in the bookstore? When I have these types of experiences with my wife, I feel uneasy, which admittedly only causes more speculation on her part about what I am not saying. In the end, I think it comes down to learning and living our values, and allowing/accepting the pwBPD in our lives to have their experience of that, good or bad. Anyway, I think you are doing great, and I have gained from your sharing your story. Thank you.
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empath
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Re: Questions about psych evals
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Reply #17 on:
July 23, 2014, 04:59:05 PM »
With the books, I could explain them in a way that didn't involve implications for him because I have a more professional interest in counseling related information, and they were things that I had not read about or heard in presentations. One of the books was not even intended to be related to his issues. There are things that I don't disclose to him -- like this and other forums and certain books that I have read (electronic versions), and some of my conversations with others where I seek support.
There are also times when I can disclose a relationship or meeting because the interaction isn't based on 'his' issues. I think that is how I evaluate whether or not I can share something. In the bookstore, I was looking for "The High Conflict Couple" but couldn't find it. I thought that the comment about the DBT book gave me a good indication about his willingness to engage in that kind of process. (not very)
I had a conversation this weekend with a friend who was talking about another sensitive topic. He said that he can't just hit the topic straight on and has to find out more about the situation before he can answer their questions. I think that probably applies for many of us.
I think that there can be honest communication without having to disclose everything that is happening. I can also talk with others about the situations and then when I am ready, bring the outcome of those interactions into my RS.
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empath
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Re: Questions about psych evals
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Reply #18 on:
August 07, 2014, 02:24:52 PM »
We received the report from the psychologist. Anger, depression, verbally abusive father were issues that were raised. Her comment about me was that I have 'keen insight' into uBPDh's internal state and was a source of strength for him.
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formflier
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Re: Questions about psych evals
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Reply #19 on:
August 11, 2014, 06:33:23 PM »
Quote from: empath on August 07, 2014, 02:24:52 PM
We received the report from the psychologist. Anger, depression, verbally abusive father were issues that were raised. Her comment about me was that I have 'keen insight' into uBPDh's internal state and was a source of strength for him.
Empath,
How has this report changed things for you and your r/s?
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empath
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Re: Questions about psych evals
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Reply #20 on:
August 11, 2014, 07:35:39 PM »
It's hard to say how the report has changed things because the things that she mentioned were known quantities to both of us.
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