What to tell other people?

[bpdexhausted]

My close friends are very aware of my tricky relationship with my BPD daughter however because I am also a grandmother (she has 2 children) work colleagues and/or acquaintances will often ask me how my daughter is. I don't want to go into the details and I also have a lot of shame around how things are but I get stumped in knowing how to answer this question. I feel I need a reasonably honest but safe way to respond without feeling tongue tied. I wonder if other parents out there have found a way to respond without dredging up the drama each & every time. Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks. BPDexhausted

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi

I once asked somebody about their son, this was years ago. Her son had been expelled and was an absolute nightmare for her. She looked me straight in the eye and said quietly "Thanks for asking but I'd much rather not talk about him right now."

I didn't ask again but I didn't take offense either.

Hope this helps

LP

[Huat]

Hello and welcome BPdexhausted:

I, too, am the mother of a (undiagosed-but-highly-probably) BPD daughter... .and grandmother to her two (now adult) children.

Because of the position I held for so many years in our small community, I have been very recognizable. In a small community there are very few "secrets."  Our daughter started acting out when she was 12 and I was shamed/embarrassed for way too many years.  Those feelings held me hostage and threw me into the role of victim.  I'm not a victim!  I happen to be the mother of challenging child.

There is no shame in knowing that you have always done the best you could in raising your daughter.  Our nurturing and their nature combine to bring about different variations in our children.  Even though she may suffer from BPD... .and even though you have tried at times to re-direct her... .she alone has been the one in control of her choices... .not you.  If there is any shame to be had, it is on her shoulders... .not yours.

So, unless those kinds of questions are coming from dear friends who you know are truly wanting to acknowledge your situation and are wanting to offer their encouragement/support,  the only answer you need give to the others is something like, "Life is a work in progress!"... .then change the subject.  You have been polite but dismissive.

[bpdexhausted]

thanks for your ideas. I like the "work in progress"... .might have to use that one. thanks again