BPD girlfriend, need help urgently

[Alvino]

Thank you, couldn't have done it without all of you. Still have a long way to go, since I'm pretty much still weighing whether it's BPD or is it just me being a lousy boyfriend. Just have to salute all of you who managed to master and tame this disorder... .  really takes a strong person to pull it off. 

Hi crawler - happy to see you are working through this stuff. Allow me to share a few observations that might offer an additional perspective.

1. There are not only the two options "she has BPD or I am a lousy boyfriend". E.g. she could be a lousy girlfriend, you two might just be incompatible, you two might have problems communicating, etc. The "who is to blame for the relationship problems?" plays into the black-and-white world of BPD. As the WOPR in "War Games" says: "Strange game. The only winning move is, not to play."

2. You cannot "manage" the disorder. You can set boundaries and learn more effective feedback and communication. But she needs to manage her disorder. You have to recognize that you cannot carry her burden and she has to acknowledge that too.

3. Don't apologize or accept guilt unless you independently verify that you did something wrong. Accepting blame to "keep the peace" always backfires later.

4. also, just as she should respect your boundaries and not manipulate and guilt-trip you, if she asks for no-contact and blocks you, you should respect her wish and not try to circumvent the blocks.

Best wishes and good luck!

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[crawler]

@Alvino - thank you for the reply. I have to say that the things you said really hit the spot.

After a couple of days of "normal" communication, things went to ___ again. A completely random and carefree situation exploded in her and she became angry. I backed off to give her space to cool off and it came back that much stronger. The whole thing even managed to trigger up her E.D. and everything just collapsed on my head. Of course, she spat out on me all those guilt-tripping "you are the worst person alive", "you trigger my E.D. constantly", "you destroyed a person you love" statements. It just seems that whatever I do or however small some nausence appears, it's always a chain-reaction where she loses more trust, her E.D. becomes worse and just everything turns horrible. She even bashes me how I take her condition lightly and am not caring at all.

I understand that this is her disrder(s) speaking, but I just feel like this will all just crack at some point and I'm feeling it a huge strain on myself since I'm really trying to be "good enough". At this rate I'm not sure that it will ever work out, since she is expecting me to fix everything and handle everything. Maybe I'm being too pasive and should just engage with her up-front about all her issues? Idk anymore, just losing my mind repeatedly.

[Auspicious]

and I'm feeling it a huge strain on myself since I'm really trying to be "good enough".

Have you considered seeing a therapist for yourself, to help you navigate through this? Many of us including myself have found that to be very helpful.

Nothing that you do can cause or cure an eating disorder in someone else. Believing otherwise is causing you a lot of stress.

[crawler]

and I'm feeling it a huge strain on myself since I'm really trying to be "good enough".

Have you considered seeing a therapist for yourself, to help you navigate through this? Many of us including myself have found that to be very helpful.

Nothing that you do can cause or cure an eating disorder in someone else. Believing otherwise is causing you a lot of stress.

I've considered that and have been actually talking to two of them recently, which was very short-lived due financial reasons. Pretty much a friend of a friend managed to fix me a free session, just to get some tips and pointers, but it stopped there.

This I know, about the eating disorder or well any disorder. But she doesn't and she believes I'm making things worse and that's the problem. Previously I was on anorexia/bulimia forums and no matter what I tried to do or change about my approach and handling things, it would never prove fruitful.