Blocked, and 2 weeks later I get a text msg.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

He apologized for reacting the way he did 2 weeks ago. 

On one hand it was a relatively short relationship that I was reluctant to let go of (there was some push/pull), but after he said he blocked my number, I cried so hard that evening and it felt awful but at the same time even right while it was happening I was grateful that I was finally having this reaction (that I didn't have before) because I knew I needed it to process and move on. 

As soon as I've forgotten about him, I get a text like this.  It isn't the first time this has happened. He didn't block me the other times, but he implied that he felt like the conversation was going nowhere and we should just let it go, and I assumed he meant it!  And I was upset but I realized I would have to accept it and I more or less got over it.  Then a week or two later I get a text "how are you?" and back come the feelings!

I bought myself some time to not respond too hastily by saying I was out for a friend's birthday dinner (true), but I don't know what to do now.

I don't want to continue having conversations with him via text msg.  I can't deal with emotional topics effectively via text.  I might want to meet with him in person just to really resolve and wrap up things, but I don't know if that's going to increase the feelings and drama.

[eeks]

He apologized for reacting the way he did 2 weeks ago. 

On one hand it was a relatively short relationship that I was reluctant to let go of (there was some push/pull), but after he said he blocked my number, I cried so hard that evening and it felt awful but at the same time even right while it was happening I was grateful that I was finally having this reaction (that I didn't have before) because I knew I needed it to process and move on. 

As soon as I've forgotten about him, I get a text like this.  It isn't the first time this has happened. He didn't block me the other times, but he implied that he felt like the conversation was going nowhere and we should just let it go, and I assumed he meant it!  And I was upset but I realized I would have to accept it and I more or less got over it.  Then a week or two later I get a text "how are you?" and back come the feelings!

I bought myself some time to not respond too hastily by saying I was out for a friend's birthday dinner (true), but I don't know what to do now.

I don't want to continue having conversations with him via text msg.  I can't deal with emotional topics effectively via text.  I might want to meet with him in person just to really resolve and wrap up things, but I don't know if that's going to increase the feelings and drama.

[Matt8888]

I totally understand what you are going through.  My last BPD relationship was only for 6 months or so.  But bought an engagement ring during that time.  Pressure from her to buy it.

Just when I thought I was starting to heal and then a call out of nowhere.  Really turns your emotions upside down. 

When they do reappear, it's not about us, it's all about their needs.  Wait it out and they will be fine.  They've always managed to survive, and they will again.

[hoaianhcameron]

Hi Eeks,

It must be difficult for you to receive such rejection and then manipulative text from him. I can imagine all the confusion, sadness and even anger that urge you to see him, so you can resolve and wrap them all up. I totally understand because I was there! and i think most of people here too.

Actually, i did replied my exBPDbf, i did meet him, alot of lies,dramas and just another deeper cuts every time until i decided to stop hurting myself. It didn't work for me so I don't know if it works for you. However, like my T said, it's totally OK of what you want, it's your nature of grieving. As long as you take responsible for your decision, as long as you love & appreciate yourself, you have the right to do whatever you want. At the end of the day, taking responsibility is what makes us normal rite?

So, go do what your heart tells you to do and no matter what happen, remember we have each others on bpdfamily

[jhkbuzz]

He apologized for reacting the way he did 2 weeks ago. 

On one hand it was a relatively short relationship that I was reluctant to let go of (there was some push/pull), but after he said he blocked my number, I cried so hard that evening and it felt awful but at the same time even right while it was happening I was grateful that I was finally having this reaction (that I didn't have before) because I knew I needed it to process and move on. 

As soon as I've forgotten about him, I get a text like this.  It isn't the first time this has happened. He didn't block me the other times, but he implied that he felt like the conversation was going nowhere and we should just let it go, and I assumed he meant it!  And I was upset but I realized I would have to accept it and I more or less got over it.  Then a week or two later I get a text "how are you?" and back come the feelings!

I bought myself some time to not respond too hastily by saying I was out for a friend's birthday dinner (true), but I don't know what to do now.

I don't want to continue having conversations with him via text msg.  I can't deal with emotional topics effectively via text.  I might want to meet with him in person just to really resolve and wrap up things, but I don't know if that's going to increase the feelings and drama.

Were you n/c?  Either way, why did you decide to respond?

[downnout98]

This is my first time going NC, and it is difficult. It seems like they know the right buttons to push to break the silence. I received a text from my ex saying that she was sorry for getting angry and that her new guy was getting upset because she always talks about me. That he said. That it seems like she missed that life with me. That we had a great life together. Want to respond with something like what a load of crap. Lol. She is trying to triangulate me again.

[ManyPieces]

I dated my ex a year and this happened  almost 9 times. He blocked me a few times but would always unblock and apologize. I always wrestle with the thought is it my fault? Is this okay behaviour? To break up with someone and then a week later try and get them back.

It is very difficult so I feel for you. You need to do what your heart tells you and go through it. My friends would always say don't respond or don't meet up but I didn't listen. I needed to figure it out for myself. Which you have to do as well. Just please be prepared because as much as you want him to change this will keep happening unless he really addresses it. I'm still recovering from my break up and battle the pain everyday.

I hope It works out for you!

[eeks]

Thanks for the reminders, everyone.  

When they do reappear, it's not about us, it's all about their needs.  Wait it out and they will be fine.

Yes. I didn't assume that it was about me, or even that he wanted me back, but this is a good reminder anyway.

Actually, i did replied my exBPDbf, i did meet him, alot of lies,dramas and just another deeper cuts every time until i decided to stop hurting myself. It didn't work for me so I don't know if it works for you.

You are right, there is a possibility that this might be what happens if I meet with him.  I may never get the resolution that I'm looking for, and the difficulty of accepting that seems to be among the main aspects that causes frustration and hurt for many people here.

Were you n/c?  Either way, why did you decide to respond?

I did not declare n/c, but I didn't attempt to contact him, either.  I was going to just let it fade, until this.

You asked me why I responded.  Good question. I thought his apology sounded sincere.  And it may have been, but this same pattern keeps happening, something triggers him and his go-to reaction is to assume the worst of my motivations.

I suppose I have also had an imaginary speech to him in my head, edited and revised over the last 2 weeks, and there was some desire to be able to have this conversation with him.  I want to outline his behaviour (factually), tell him I see similarities between his behaviour and that described by people who have been in relationships with people with BPD (this is not new to him as he had a psychiatrist tell him he has BPD traits), and that I don't think he'll be able to have a healthy relationship with anyone until he gets therapy to deal with his interpersonal/intimacy triggers.  I accept that he might not listen to me, but for some reason I want the opportunity to say it regardless.

It's complicated, because I want him to get help because I care about him as a person, but at the same time he didn't show enough appreciation for what I had to offer while we were together.  I have inquired into my own motivations and although I did have residual feelings for a time, at present, I don't want to be in a relationship with him and I don't want to be the one to help him, either.  

So what good would closure do me?  The only thing I can think of from my personal emotional history is that by having this conversation and the feeling of resolution, I will be proving that I was worthy of my father's love.  

[eeks]

This is my first time going NC, and it is difficult. It seems like they know the right buttons to push to break the silence. I received a text from my ex saying that she was sorry for getting angry and that her new guy was getting upset because she always talks about me. That he said. That it seems like she missed that life with me. That we had a great life together. Want to respond with something like what a load of crap. Lol. She is trying to triangulate me again.

That does sound like a load of crap! Especially if the way she treated you while you were together doesn't match up with those words, which I assume is the case.

You need to do what your heart tells you and go through it. My friends would always say don't respond or don't meet up but I didn't listen. I needed to figure it out for myself. Which you have to do as well. Just please be prepared because as much as you want him to change this will keep happening unless he really addresses it.

Yes, I agree that it won't change unless he addresses it, because all of it is what he is doing to attempt to manage emotional intensity, and he needs therapy for that. 

[jhkbuzz]

So what good would closure do me?  The only thing I can think of from my personal emotional history is that by having this conversation and the feeling of resolution, I will be proving that I was worthy of my father's love.  

Ahhhhh... .there it is.

And if you know that having this conversation, no matter which way it goes or how it turns out, will in no way prove that you were worthy of your father's love... .why have it?  Especially when the conversation has the potential to inflict even deeper wounds than the ones you are dealing with now?

This is the truth: you were worthy of your father's love. But, for reasons that have nothing to do with you, he was unable to love you in a way that was healthy and validating for you.

Your attempt to resolve this ancient dilemma with your current ex will bring you nothing but pain.  Work it out instead with a T, where true healing can occur.

[apollotech]

Hi eeks,

I hope that you are doing well on your journey of recovery. I too am walking said path step by step. Like you, I am attempting the "just let it fade" strategy. My BPDexgf of seven months did not receive any explanation from me as to why I broke contact with her; I stopped returning text messages and missed calls. I feel very guilty about my behavior regarding this decision, but at the same time I knew that I had to get out or lose all of me. I had already spent my pride, self respect, dignity, etc. on the relationship. My T says that I do not owe her anything as it was a highly dysfunctional, one-sided, and emotionally abusive (toward me) relationship. If you don't mind sharing, I'd like to hear your thoughts/feelings about the "let it fade" strategy. I am really struggling with guilt about this. I would not want it done to me, yet I have done it to another person.

[ManyPieces]

Hi eeks,

I hope that you are doing well on your journey of recovery. I too am walking said path step by step. Like you, I am attempting the "just let it fade" strategy. My BPDexgf of seven months did not receive any explanation from me as to why I broke contact with her; I stopped returning text messages and missed calls. I feel very guilty about my behavior regarding this decision, but at the same time I knew that I had to get out or lose all of me. I had already spent my pride, self respect, dignity, etc. on the relationship. My T says that I do not owe her anything as it was a highly dysfunctional, one-sided, and emotionally abusive (toward me) relationship. If you don't mind sharing, I'd like to hear your thoughts/feelings about the "let it fade" strategy. I am really struggling with guilt about this. I would not want it done to me, yet I have done it to another person.

i also am feeling guilty. Even though he ended it, i feel guilty for having to really cut him off. Hes going through a hard time and actually had to go to rehab. He was calling me everyday and i Had to cut it lose because i still have more than friends feelings. I feel guilty everyday that i couldn't suck it up and just be his friend so he had someone to chat with., but i needed to heal and i have to take care of me. This is my rehab too, rehab from him and the constant pain and  worry