Specific boundaries

[nomoreoptions]

It's even awhile since I've posted.  Many things are better.  We were able to find a highly therapeutic day school setting.  He was diagnosed with ADHD, on top of his PTSD, depression, and the Prozac/Wellbutrin/Ritalin/omega combo seems to be working, although he raged when the Prozac was decreased.

We have a daughter, also.  She was born to us, he we took in at 17, a PTSD, ADHD, etc. child who had a mother who was physically (very) and emotionally (very) abusive.  A crack addict who let men fondle our son for cash/drugs.

I've let his girlfriend stay over, although she has been very disrespectful, because I let our daughter's boyfriend stay.  She was horribly disrespectful in the beginning (to the point of accusing me of abuse because I talked to him about his issues).  Now I just hear my son abuse her, horribly, and she takes it.  I am about to tell him (18, btw) that I won't tolerate this any more and she is no longer welcome in our house.  He has gotten to the stage of hatred with her, we constantly hear him tell her to shut the f up, that she is stupid, incessantly.  But he is a generally sweet kid, who I'm sure distorts terribly in therapy and at school, but luckily I have great resources (NYU Child Study Center).

I'm just venting.  I need to tell him tomorrow that she is not welcome here.  I realize that my resentment that has been simmering (ever since this girl said to me in response to a request to quit with the excessive PDA "at least we are not dry humping." is unhealthy.  I also realize that I have been afraid of him (with justification, he threatened me in the past).

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Kate4queen]

My son had a girlfriend who sounds rather like your son's. It wasn't until I found out about BPD that I realized she had very similar traits, so they were actually toxic for each other. He was also the one who treated her like she was an idiot and he was the one who dumped her. But because of her issues, she became the stalker, intimidator, manipulator and they almost destroyed each other.

So I can understand your anxiety and I did feel sorry for this girl but I couldn't take on her issues as well as my son's and her adoptive parents refused to believe she was responsible for anything.

I think you should stand your ground on this one and ask him not to bring her into your house, but I'd also suggest involving a third party in that discussion so he can't rage at you.

[qcarolr]

nomoreoptions -

I have been in this place with my BPDDD27. She refused to accept that her bf could no longer be in our home, nor any of her other toxic friends. It was destroying so much in our home. Looking back it would have been so much easier now if I had known about BPD when she was 17 and had access to the tools on this forum.

What are you willing to do to protect yourself and the others in your family if S refuses to respect your limits with his gf?

For me, I had to get some support to be strong enough to deal with this in our home. What kinds of support do you have to take care of yourself here? It takes a lot of courage and strength to get clear within ourselves what our limits are, what we are willing to do to enforce them, and being prepared for the extreme resistance.

And it sounds like there may be real safety concerns. We have a safety plan in our home, and have engaged it several times. It is hard to call the police but sometimes this is what is called for.

Let us know how we can help you. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

qce

[nomoreoptions]

I think, almost sadly, that it easier for me to tell him that I will not hesitate to call the police, either for his threats or his girlfriend trespassing.  He's been with us for about eighteen months, and the meds have been helping with the rages, impulsivity.  He has been diagnosed with PTSD and ADHD, his executive function skills are horrible (in the 1% range for numerous EF tests), but when I told his therapist that I think he has BPD he looked highly uncomfortable and said what do labels matter if he's receiving adequate treatment?

But as much as I love him, he came to us as nearly an adult.  And bonding occurred at first (although that was probably BPD attachment) but then faded quickly when he attached to his horribly damaged girlfriend.  Initially she was all superior, but now we regularly hear him call her a stupid bhit and tell her to shut up, etc.  For a uBPDp he is very empathetic.  He is also trying, at 18 he is repeating 9th grade for the third time, in a therapeutic day setting.

But I do need a safety plan.  Because his rages can be so extreme, and cutting off easy contact to his no-self-esteem girlfriend could provoke an extreme reaction.  I'm just so tired of feeling resentful about their behavior, and know I am doing neither of them a favor by enabling their relationship.  Thank you for your support and for sharing your stories.

[crumblingdad]

Sounds like a tough situation and sounds like you know what your decision needs to be with the girlfriend regardless of the discomfort it'll bring upon you. Very tough spot and sorry you are going through it.


I personally think the proper diagnosis (a big ugh that he worded it with the label comment) is very important because their is a very specific approach to treating BPD and seems enough clinical info these days that most traditional psychological treatment plans can be ineffective and even counter-effective with BPD.  Have you asked his thoughts on whether he's ever been open to diagnosing a teenager with BPD and what his treatment experience with it has been?  I think it's important to question further as the bottom line is you and your family are this psychiatrists customer and deserve to be sure the treatment plan is an effective one. Can you imagine if an oncologist didn't want to diagnose cancer in a patient despite signs and symptoms of it and said "why do you need the cancer label?"

If psych isn't open to it given the documented challenges and issues with poly-medication of BPD as well as getting him appropriate treatment then it's certainly worthy of concern.

[nomoreoptions]

It's weird. As many people have noted, 18 is adult.  New York is kind of a hybrid state, 18 is adult, but parents, etc. have more rights until the kid is 21, but the kid can check out.  I find his therapists are still working with me, with his rights at the forefront.  I find our family therapist invaluable, as we are ALL his clients.

He is being seen at the NYU Child Study Center, and I implicitly trust his providers (now, he had an inexperienced young intern earlier who seemed to buy his story totally).  I don't think they are not providing him the care he needs (although we haven't done DBT, his school has daily therapy with some DBT elements) I just think they hate the label, which obviously further stigmatizes those who suffer from this disease.

Enough already, mental maladies are rampant.  So is heart disease, diabetes.  With heart disease the medication is diet, exercise and drugs.  With BPD there may be effective medications for some of the symptoms, but the rest often falls to the loved ones.  (Although my uBPDs does SO much better when he gets on the treadmill, stress is stress).

[nomoreoptions]

An update.  On Sunday we told him his girlfriend is no longer allowed in our home.  No real response.  The next day, when he had me alone (recall he loathes his birth mother, and does his best to triangulate my husband and me) he insisted I tell him why.  I told him I would only talk about it in therapy.  He refuses. He kept after me, finally I said there was no point in my telling him because he would just tell me I'm wrong.  He said that's because you are, and some other hateful stuff.  About 10 minutes later he becomes all charming, says he's being unreasonable, and he'll talk about it in therapy.

What he did not realize is that I meant family therapy, not therapy with his individual therapist.  His therapist is superb, and has definitely been around the block, but has never met the unmedicated BPD version of my son.  I took him to his individual therapy yesterday, and he assumed I was going in with him.  When his therapist informed him that this would be addressed in family therapy, he totally lost it, calling me names, telling us that if he didn't get his way he would call his legal aid attorney, that it was just me who had the problem and his dad was fine with his girlfriend, that he had discussed it with his dad (an outright lie), etc.  His therapist was astonished, and said that he was very glad that he had been able to witness it.  I talked to his pdoc, who I will meet with again next week.  She is considering adding risperdal to his regimen.

It wasn't pleasant, but I think it was very productive for his doctors to see the extent of his difficulties/issues.  He is extremely charming, and he very convincingly has lied to numerous people about being mistreated at home.  It also just felt so good to feel believed and have my own situation thus validated.