Am I walking the right path?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

 

I just stumbled on this site, and after reading it three times, I've realized life is moving in the right direction after all.  It just takes time.  Hope it helps someone else, too.

Blessings,

c.

www.themindunleashed.org/2015/01/10-signs-youve-found-calling.html

[Crumbling]

 

I just stumbled on this site, and after reading it three times, I've realized life is moving in the right direction after all.  It just takes time.  Hope it helps someone else, too.

Blessings,

c.

www.themindunleashed.org/2015/01/10-signs-youve-found-calling.html

[Copperfox]

This is a great find, Crumbling.  Wise words indeed.

I often tell people, when they're upset or worried: "Life has a funny way of working out."  It's been my experience that it does, just not always the way we thought it would.

[Panda39]

Hi Crumbling,

Thank you for sharing the link to this article

I had just about everything on that list happen to me when I finally decided to leave my marriage.

 

YOU’LL REALIZE YOU’VE BEEN TRAINING FOR YOUR CALLING SINCE THE MOMENT YOU WERE BORN.

Obviously getting divorced wasn't a "calling" but I was most definitely on the right path.

MYSTICAL THINGS WILL START HAPPENING.

All the various kinds of things I needed for support just started entering my life... .work at the time was very light so I could focus my energy on my personal life for example.

WHEN YOU GET OFF COURSE, YOU’LL GET REDIRECTED.

I don't think I ever went off course

YOU’LL BE GUIDED BY EASE, EVEN IN THE FACE OF OBSTACLES.

Trying to sell my townhouse was really difficult (during the housing bubble) ended up having to "short sell" which involves a very long contract period.  I had to live with my ex for almost a year from when I told him I wanted to leave to when we actually closed on the house. As much as I would have liked things to move faster this period actually taught me a really good lesson about patience and gave everyone time to prepare for the change our family was going through.

MAGICAL MENTORS WILL APPEAR JUST IN THE NICK OF TIME.

This happened in abundance.  I had been depressed for years leading into my divorce and I had let most of my relationships with friends go because I wasn't very functional.  When I decided to leave I had a very dear old friend reappear in my life, my mother who I have a difficult relationship with stepped up, I had one friend that was a psychologist supporting me, one friend that was a grief counselor supporting me, other friends that re-introduced me to a social life, one single friend that later became my on-line dating coach and once divorced I had other friends welcome me into the divorcee world.  I have never in my life felt so supported and so cared for by so many people.  I had all the right people at all the right times.  It was amazing

YOUR HEALTH IS LIKELY TO IMPROVE

One of my strategies for living in the same house for so long with my ex was to be gone as much of the time as possible and I started taking walks, and got involved in the "Wellness Program" at work... .I was walking 3 miles a day, eating better and lost 68lbs.  I also have excema which is related to allergies, genetics and stress.  I have a small patch somewhere all the time.  During this period I had none.

YOU MAY FIND THAT MONEY FLOWS IN JUST AS YOU’RE READY TO THROW IN THE TOWEL.

This happened too.  My mom was a big part of this but I had also taken care of my debt leading into my divorce.  I had everything I need financially and for that one year money (which is always a concern) wasn't.  I was able to buy a used car, pay for movers, get new clothes for the thinner me, and have a deposit for my new apartment.

YOU MAY FEEL STRANGELY PEACEFUL, EVEN WHEN YOU HAVE EVERY REASON TO BE ANXIOUS.

Yep, this happened too.  I was relearning many things I had forgotten and was learning new things I needed to learn and deliberately pushing my own boundaries. Normally all of these things would have stressed me out but instead I was excited and exhilarated by all the challenges I gave myself.

THE UNIVERSE WILL ROLL OUT THE RED CARPET.

Yes, everything and everyone I needed was always there at the right place and the right time.

YOUR PEOPLE WILL FIND YOU.

I have since met a wonderful man that I would have never met or brought into my life if I had not been through what I went through during my marriage and following my divorce.

[billypilgrim]

All of those are great, Crumbing, but this one really jumped out at me. 

8. YOU MAY FEEL STRANGELY PEACEFUL, EVEN WHEN YOU HAVE EVERY REASON TO BE ANXIOUS.

Everyone around you will likely think you’re crazy. A part of you will agree with them. But a wise inner knowing, that part of you I call your Inner Pilot Light, will be so comforted by the fact that you’re finally on the path to your purpose that you may feel unusually calm- until your rational mind kicks in.

Our souls long to express what we’re here on this earth to express, and when you finally fall into alignment with your calling, your soul does a little happy dance. It may appear as if everything else in your life is falling apart, but you’ll have this sense of peace, a huge relief, that at least- finally- you know what you’re called to do.

That's what I keep telling everyone when they ask how I am.  A humongous weight has been lifted.  I lost the weight of taking care of a 26 year old woman and all of her baggage that came with her.  I still have the scars and the emotional pain but I've lost the every day crazy.  The every day pain.  The euphoric happy times.  I have felt myself standing taller everyday.  I have a steady, easy life again.  I often think about Mutt's post from a while ago about carrying the load.  I've shifted my load big time.  And it's so much easier to walk now.

[Crumbling]

Panda, I'm so glad this article gave you such confirmation on your decision.  It's comforting to know you've made the right choice.

That no. 8 is the one that struck me as a real indicator for me, too, Billy. 

It feels like my life has been shifted somehow, and I'm no longer afraid of a lot of things that I would have been before.  My heart has found a calm, and really nothing has changed for me, other than one difficult, but important boundary that I've set with my BPDh, that he is be-grudgingly respecting.  I don't know if the two are related, but could very well be... .but could also be a combination of things.

My 'right path', for now, I've identified as being focused on getting myself put back together, glued up well and left to set for a while. I'm not ready to fly from our home just yet, but I feel like it is going to happen.  Like it's the right goal for me and my marriage.  I have vowed to stay in our marriage, and I will unless it becomes impossible, but right now, I've come to the reality that he and I would both be better off if we had some time away from each other.

My BPDh has been on a downward spiral that got stalled for a while when he started to see a T, and group sessions about a year ago.  His active pursuit for help stopped me from leaving then.  He only actively took the help for six months, then stopped.  Things have been back to spiralling downward ever since.  I had a bit of a meltdown just before Christmas, and I'm still brushing myself off from that. 

I need a break from being the emotionally strong one in this relationship.  If I leave, he will have no choice but tend to his own needs.  He lived alone for a really long time, he knows how to - he just chooses not to, when there's someone around who can do it for him. 

I need time being emotionally supported, and I'm working on accepting that my h is not able to do this for me.  I oscillate from being angry at him and being sad that it isn't him I can rely on.  But when I think about getting some time apart, I seem to be able to see things more clearly, and make decisions more freely.  And when I do, I see options.  I too can self sooth, if I'm not expending most of my energy on him every day.

I also finally got a call inviting me to start a group session soon.  We will be focusing on Taking Control.  It's perfect for me, and I am really looking forward to getting started!  I think I may even meet some some 'Magical Mentors' there!

Blessings all,

c.

[Notwendy]

Crumbling, this post felt right on for me too. I feel very calm even though it seems like a strange place to be. I was always so confused about the issues in my marriage. Years of co-dependency groups and hard work paid off when I realized that my mother didn't trigger me anymore. It used to be that a conversation with her would result in me being upset for days. Likewise, when my H blew up and we had these endless circular arguments that led to nowhere but me sobbing and JADE'ing and upset for days stopped affecting me. It felt oddly calm when I could listen to him rage about something I supposedly did and not take it personally. It didn't feel good to be raged at, but instead of being triggered emotionally, my thoughts were " this is nuts- I didn't do that".

I don't have plans or desire to leave, but I think that the push/pull drama felt like love to me because that was the kind of love I was raised on, and it doesn't feel like love to me anymore. I don't even think I know what a "normal" ( if that exists) relationship feels like. My main goal is on me- my emotional growth. I will continue to honor my marriage- as I always have, and be faithful, and caring as I always have been, even if it has at times not met my H's expectations. Those expectations are based on his inner self, and I am powerless over that. He is overall a good man, husband and father, and doing the best he can too. I can only hope that our r/s will become more emotionally healthy, but the best and only way I can work towards that is by working on me.

May we all continue to evolve to being our healthier selves in all ways.