feeling trapped and scared guilty and miserable, indecisive what to do

[drrider]

Hi,

I should have joined a long time ago; my wife has BPD that didn't understand until eventually she was arrested for domestic violence and we were separated; I learned it fit all the classic signs.

Problem was I had never dated much at all before her, she treated me like an angel, we got engaged, I put her through very extreme stressful times in my professional program with my axiety that I have guilt over, gave her no affection and she eventually broke and started abusing me verbally and physically.

We got married still in a time of chaos because we thought if I took a break from my program it would solve things.

I remained afraid and nervous around her for the whole marriage and never could fully love her and this cycle would continue.

Now BPD is out in the open after the arrest and I try to set limits but each time I feel like if I could just get over the resentment of the past and open my heart to love her the cycle wouldn't repeat.


Has anyone that has a history of physical violence with there partner that did acknowledge she has the problem and worked on it saved there marriage?

I'm afraid to know the answer if it is hopeless.

I don't know what to do

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[maxsterling]

Drrider, 

I'm glad you found us here.  You are in the right place 

Domestic violence is a serious issue.  Am I reading you correctly in that she was diagnosed as a result of her arrest, or was she previously diagnosed BPD?  What kind of treatment has she received?  One thing to keep in mind - you did not cause or deserve the abuse in any way, nor is there anything you can do to control or cure it.  No amount of "loving her again" will cause it to not repeat.  Whether or not it repeats is entirely up to her.  All you can do is get out of the way when it happens. 

It's very difficult to move past the resentments of the past, especially on your own.  Have you sought out therapy for yourself?  If not, it may be something to consider.

I have experienced physical abuse from my wife, twice.  Both times it was her trying to punch me in the chest.  And both times my goal was to simply get out of the way and leave the house so that she could not hit me anymore.   She's thrown pillows and other things at me, but (thankfully) so far has not smashed or thrown hard objects.  She does go to therapy and counseling, and that helps me stay committed to her if she stays committed to herself.  But I do still have fear of it happening again, still have a few nightmares and flashbacks.  It's not hopeless to move forward, but it will require you to work on yourself and let go of some past resentment. 

Glad you found us here

[drrider]

She refused to go to marriage counseling forever that I begged for so I went to individual.

Outbursts of physical seem to happen at least once a month, usually the same of turning into a demon and scratching, biting, kicking. 

Other things were throwing dishes and breaking other stuff in the house.

  My therapist suggested a program she should do and identified BPD, my wife agreed to go to it after she literally drove the car into the house in a fit of rage; she started and was in it for 5 weeks/20 when I went to police and I wanted to report an incident of biting because I read on a domestic violence website to protect yourself by filing reports; I was out of my mind and didn't realize they would go and arrest her so I have guilt she got arrested while she was seeking help.

we were separated 4 months and I had insisted we have no incidences of violence or even verbal abuse but each time I realized I push her buttons so much and I also forgave her that since she was seeking some treatment I needed to be patient.

so I let her back into the house nervous.

the frequency of outbursts has gotten less, but as time has gone on and my trust has been repeatedly broken I just can barely open up to her; so now when the last one happens it was partley over her frustration we hadn't been intimate or I been very affectionate and seem to avoid her even though.

She came to couples counseling a few times with bad results; last time when I wanted my emotions acknowledged that i'm very scarred and i'm afraid of guilt if we don't work things out since we are supposed to fly overseas to meet her family.  I worry I would crush her if I ever broke up especially if I met her family in person and spent time with them.

I currently have large bruises from her biting me in the leg

[drrider]

I basically feel trapped because of this pressured timeline; she wants to try for kids this summer and always asks, "if things go great for how many months will you love me again and we can have kids?"  I feel she doesn't acknowledge the craziness and the cycle is I am avoiding her after each incident and not really loving her fully, she is ready to jump both feet back in and hates that I take time.

I feel like I've aged 50 years in 3.

She always pressures me with not enough time; I feel bad that I often have a sinking feeling toward our relationship and it just kills me that she seems to think everything is going to go great since from this day forward she is going to treat me like gold

[drrider]

More lately I've felt really guilty that even in good times I don't know if I love her like I did and can picture a future.  She seems really childish to me.  Back in the beginning I thought is was cute how excited and enthusiastic she was for a lot of things but now I swear it is like she is a few different personalities and she is almost child like, or immature. 

The thing that sucks is it seems after the big fights I break through to her and she opens up and get the emotional intimacy I need.

I'm currently in a decision dilemma.

We are supposed to fly overseas to spend two weeks with her family; I never met them when we go married, only phone and Skype.  They know of the bad incidients.  the cultural difference seems to be to stay in marriage no matter what and her mom tries to beg me to give her 6 more months until she gets out of school stress.

I feel horrible that if I go over there i'll feel further trapped in the marriage that I don't know if I should be in.  I also don't feel right going there after I had set my limits and was attacked just two days ago. 

I'm almost in some ways fearful of going and her treating a lot better but I still just don't feel comfortable in the marriage for things that aren't even her fault such as the childish behavior when i'm always wanting a strong emotional connection.  Sometimes it really seems like if we both dated for a few months as we are now we wouldn't choose each other again.  She admitted she kind of latched onto me in a vulnerable time and didn't really like a lot about me (back then I was mr wonderful to her)

  I swear she changed a lot to a different person.  What keeps me from breaking off each time lately is I feel like if only I had given her strong love and affection she would blossom and grow up and the behavior would stop and I would get that old girl back that somehow, some way I wanted to marry.

She has agreed now to go to individual counseling and meet with our priest.  ( which I had begged for)

I can't imagine i'm still in this cycle; after the arrest she supposedly had learned the lesson of her life and would do anything for me.

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Drrider,  

I would like to echo Max and welcome you.  I have experienced DV with my pwBPD on one occasion. At the time, I was unaware of his ability to be so volatile with his anger.  In the middle of an argument, he assaulted me.  In retrospect, I should have done what Max suggested and leave but, I essentially added gas to the fire and continued arguing.  I am not justifying his behavior.  

The majority of DV incidents are a result of reactive violence.  PwBPD  to have issues with impulsivity and emotional dysregulation.  Ultimately, pwBPD have a hard time controlling both impulsivity and emotional regulation.  After the incident, I found when my pwBPD became volatile or began to rage, I just walked out to diffuse the situation.  

Therapy is beneficial for a pwBPD to learn how to control their anger/rage.  

As Max said, therapy is helpful for victims of DV.  Especially with feelings of guilt.  

[waverider]

The problem you have here is that you have a basic mismatch of disorders. A pwBPD  needs to blame everything on someone else and can be a psychological bully, and in your case a physical bully. To counter this you need a good level of self assurance and self confidence. As you say you have have serious problems with anxiety. This makes you prime victim material for the the BPD bully trait.

To get through this you will need to work through your own therapies and maybe add in "how to avoid being the victim" work.

You can't make her change, you can only work on how YOU can stop feeling guilty,trapped and miserable. This blocks her soothing outlet by venting at you. Until this is blocked she is unlikely to take the much harder step of owning her own issues and applying herself in a committed way to deal with them.

The best thing you can do for her, is fix you. This will impact the way she acts towards you.

A lesson can be taken from "The scorpion and the frog":

A scorpion and a frog meet on the bank of a stream and the scorpion asks the frog to carry him across on its back.  The frog asks, “How do I know you won’t sting me?”  The scorpion says, “Because if I do, I will die too.”

The frog is satisfied, and they set out.  But in midstream, the scorpion stings the frog.  The frog feels the onset of paralysis and starts to sink, knowing they both will drown, but has just enough time to gasp “Why?”

Replies the scorpion: “It’s my nature…”



She is the scorpion and you are the frog. She cant choose not to be the scorpion and you cannot choose not to be the frog, you are what you are. But the frog can learn not to carry the scorpion. They can only coexist with safety barriers and the frog not taking on the poison of the scorpion. Blame is her poison

[drrider]

thanks for the replies everyone,

At this point I think I'm stuck going on the overseas trip despite my worries; I just can't seem to be able to stand up to her and assert my previously established limits.

I've been through a lot of therapy, and am on anti anxiety and anti depressants.

I think the thing that is so tough is I have this huge fear of hurting her.  She doesn't have much of any support system and has no family in the country and has threatened to kill herself before during huge fights when I wanted to get away.

It seemed at some times I am just so afraid of destroying her when the episodes happen and I want nothing but to leave.

there has been improvement with her but it has been slow; I have a big fear that I could be stringing things along with her and prevent her from having a happy life and family if we keep going at such a slow rate and I can never feel ready for kids etc.  It kills me to see her when she is so hopeful and happy anf positive about us so quickly and I am so doubtful.