agreed nc till monday

[married21years]

it was a bad conversation

asked what she wanted from the relationship, she said she didnt want one.

i said sorry i will let you go then

then she messaged me after and asked for NC till monday

she knows this will kill me and i will probably fail!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[MaroonLiquid]

it was a bad conversation

asked what she wanted from the relationship, she said she didnt want one.

i said sorry i will let you go then

then she messaged me after and asked for NC till monday

she knows this will kill me and i will probably fail!

I can see how rough this is for you and I'm sorry.  I understand.  My advice is... .Don't contact her.  DON'T.  It will be hard.  Don't even contact her on Monday.  Let her contact you, even if it takes 2 weeks!  I can't tell you how liberated it will make you feel.  I have been through this.  I know what you are feeling.  You will have good days and you will have rough ones.  Post here in the rough times.  Find other things to do and do them.  Don't contact her.  She doesn't believe you can do it.  Show her you have self respect.  You can do this!  I guarantee you that by Tuesday or Wednesday she will wonder what you are doing.  She expects a text from you Monday morning first thing.

[married21years]

thx bud will try

[married21years]

well that didnt last long contacted me at 4 am no water in the house.

told her to get a plumber and sort it herself and she has asked for us to end the NC she wanted

her demeanor is much nicer.

i have to put a boundary in place to stop talking to me like a C**T

haha 

[MaroonLiquid]

well that didnt last long contacted me at 4 am no water in the house.

told her to get a plumber and sort it herself and she has asked for us to end the NC she wanted

her demeanor is much nicer.

i have to put a boundary in place to stop talking to me like a C**T

haha 

I'm proud of you M21Y!  That's a start.  It's very difficult to understand  when they give us the ST because our pwBPD conditions us to think that we're the problem.  They cut us off and because a good majority of "nons" are co-dependent, it hurts and cuts deeply.  They know that.  Even when we find out what the issues are with our SO's and we let them have space, it is still difficult because we are conditioned to their fear cycle.  Deep down they want to put all their emotion on someone else because it's too difficult for them to sit with.  They want us to take the brunt of it.  When we don't, they have to.  It's amazing when you realize how much of a grip that fear has over us.  The truth is, they are more scared than we are.  Think about that.  I've come to realize with my wife that 99% of her "ultimatums" and scare tactics are "paper tigers".  When I've "called her" on those, she "blinks first". 

[formflier]

asked what she wanted from the relationship, she said she didnt want one.

Stop talking about the relationship... .and just "do" it.  Less talk about feelings... .but validate them when they come up

Relationship talk is a fastball for them to knock out of the park if they are triggered... .or want to trigger you.

After the level of drama drops... you may be able to restart talking more about r/s.

Eventually... .you will figure out what subjects are triggering... .and sometimes that those subjects are triggering only under certain circumstances... .

Maroon,

When have you figured out it is appropriate to have "relationship talk"?  How did you figure that out?

FF

[MaroonLiquid]

Maroon,

When have you figured out it is appropriate to have "relationship talk"?  How did you figure that out?

FF

I have found for me that she is open to talking about the r/s when her emotions are regulated.  I figured it out through through trial and error.  I know that is vague, but the best I can answer right now.

[married21years]

thanks guys,

she never want to have that talk.

everything has been to avoid it

[formflier]

thanks guys,

she never want to have that talk.

everything has been to avoid it

Then go along with the talks she is OK with having... .as long as they are not abusive.

FF

[married21years]

FF you are right

but i dont like it!


ARGHHHHHHHHHHH!

[formflier]

 

Think about baby steps... .

To get to the conversation you want to have... .you need lines of communication open... .get tensions down... .

Lots of small baby steps...

FF

[thisagain]

Sometimes relationship talk will immediately trigger a dysregulation even if they were regulated to begin with. I vote for no relationship talk at all for a while.

What do yall think about how to respond when they ask for a break or NC and then contact you before the time is up?

Is it a boundary we might set, that if you tell me you want a break for X days I will absolutely not talk to you during those X days? I can't tell if that's a good idea to try to discourage impulsive demands for NC, or if it's kind of petty (like "no, you wanted NC so you get NC! So there!".

It's really crazymaking for me to hear that she wants a break/NC for a week, and then the next day she calls me up saying she missed me so much she couldn't sleep last night and can the break please be over.

[married21years]

i know it is, but i know she is chasing me now i have other interests like she wanted.

i want to sort the relationship out, it is my main goal and so frustrating as she wont deal with BPD or the relationship issues with the one person that will help

her therapist

[married21years]

staying strong not contacted her first!

[MaroonLiquid]

staying strong not contacted her first!

Awesome job.  hang in there.  Not contacting her first will get easier.  Sometimes, you will learn that it's ok too.  Just not right now.   

[married21years]

staying strong not contacted her first!

Awesome job.  hang in there.  Not contacting her first will get easier.  Sometimes, you will learn that it's ok too.  Just not right now.   

all kicked off i asked what she wanted

[MaroonLiquid]

staying strong not contacted her first!

Awesome job.  hang in there.  Not contacting her first will get easier.  Sometimes, you will learn that it's ok too.  Just not right now.   

all kicked off i asked what she wanted

Yeah, it's almost like you have to "re-train" them and their desire for control.  At first, it will be difficult for them to let go.  Then, they begin to change in small ways.  You are doing great.

[married21years]

probably pissed i didnt call her this morning to wake her up

[MaroonLiquid]

probably pissed i didnt call her this morning to wake her up

Maybe, maybe not.  That you can't worry about.  She's a "big girl".  She can do that on her own.     I know letting go of "what they think" or taking care of them is difficult.  TRUST ME, I KNOW!.  it has taken a long time for me to get here.  I still struggle with it at times, just not often anymore.  Only when I get triggered do I worry about that.  I have issues that I have had to face and it hasn't been easy (co-dependency, abandonment, fear, you name it) but it has grown me as a person and man by leaps and bounds.